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Old 04-02-2018, 06:00 PM View Post #1 (Link) Leaving yesterday- Chapter 1
Ava (Offline)
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- It has been over 24 hours now, she has never been away that long without letting us know!
- Iím sorry Ms Devan, she took all of her stuff, she left, Iím sure she will let you know where she went, maybe she lost her phone or something
- It has been over 24 hours, she is not even 18, you have to take this serious itís your fucking job
- Yes I know Ms Devan but right now there is not much we can do. She has not been kidnapped and didnít left any clue. We will go to her school and talk to the people she is close with okay? We will do everything we can to get your daughter back. Do you have any idea what she was wearing the day she left?
- No! I leave early and I donít think about what she is wearing everyday cause she always comes home! She took almost all her clothes so god knows what she is wearing now
- Okay well give us a pic, we will look around and try not to worry too much, we see this almost every day and they always come back once they discover the real world.
- My daughter is not anyone, if she left she wonít come back. She wonít let the world scare her. But thanks Mr Sarron for your time.
An ironic end to a not so standard conversation. Losing her daughter was hard to take for Ms Devan. She was now alone with her son William who was the closest person to her daughter but even he had no idea what happened to his sister.
- Why would she leave mom? I donít understand. She was happy and smiled all the time. She didnít even told me about her plans. Why would she do this?
- I have no idea Will, I really don't.
The next day at school, I wasnít surprised to see the cops even thought I was the only one knowing something was going on. Hannah wasnít just sick.
- Have you seen the cops? What would they do here?
- No idea, probably another stupid kid that run away from home for attention
- Maybe itís about Hannah?
- You wish Alija, she doesnít have the guts to do something like that. Where has she been by the way? I havenít seen her since Monday and she seemed just fine. That bitch wonít even answer my texts. Itís not like thatís so hard to do.
- Shut up Lil, maybe something really bad happened to her.
- No sorry I agree with Lil, that bitch just wants to draw attention to herself.
- How can you guys talk about her like that? She is supposed to be your friend too!
- Well sorry Al but a friend would let you know something.
- Well then there is definitely something wrong.
- No Al donít worry, she is just fine, probably just skipping with her boy.
- A is not a skipper and neither is she.
- We could try to reach Adam if it makes you feel better.
- Thanks Kate.
If only they really cared a little about their "friend" they might have noticed the flame in Hannah's eyes who led her to her new life.
God I love being a teacher.
-----------------------
thanks a lot for reading
all help is welcome, it's my first chapter i would really like to improve my skills
Ava.
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Old 04-14-2018, 11:31 AM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
Hannah Barron (Offline)
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I seem to be overly confused with who is speaking here, so maybe you could try and put a pov kindof thing like eg. alijas pov. So people know who is the story teller. Also i think that the lack of speech marks is very confusing to me. But apart from that I was hooked from the first sentence. Its a very good work and i will be interested to see how this story will progress. I wish you the best. I will now critque your post

[QUOTE=Ava;202648]- It has been over 24 hours now, she has never been away that long without letting us know! (.)
- Iím sorry Ms(.) Devan, she took all of her stuff(things), she left,(.) Iím sure she will let you know where she went, maybe she lost her phone or something (.)don't forget grammar, that's very important.
- It has been over 24 hours, she is not (isn't)even 18, you have to take this serious itís your fucking(maybe here try putting damn, as then it will appeal to a wider audience.) job
- Yes I know Ms(.) Devan but right now there is not much we can do. She has not been kidnapped and didnít left(she didn't leave) any clue. We will go to her school and talk to the people she is close with(,) okay? We will do everything we can to get your daughter back. Do you have any idea what she was wearing the day she left?
- No! I leave early and I donít think about what she is wearing everyday cause(because) she always comes home!(.) She took almost all her clothes so god knows what she is wearing now(.)
- Okay(,) well give us a pic(if you will give us a picture), we will look around(.) andAnd try not to worry too much, we see this almost every day and they (almost)always come back once they discover the real world.
- My daughter is not anyone, if she left she wonít come back. She wonít let the world scare her. But thanks (thankyou)Mr Sarron for your time.

An ironic end to a not so standard conversation. Losing her daughter was hard to take for Ms(.) Devan. She was now alone with her son William(,) who was the closest person to her daughter (,)but even he had no idea what(had) happened to his sister.
- Why would she leave mom? I donít understand. She was happy and smiled all the time. She didnít (never)even told me about her plans. Why would she do this?
- I have no idea(maybe try I don't know) Will, I really don't.
The next day at school, I wasnít surprised to see the cops policeeven thought I was the only one knowing something was going on. Hannah wasnít just sick.
- Have you seen the copspolice? What would they do here?
- No idea, probably another stupid kid that run away from home for attention(.)
- Maybe itís about Hannah?
- You wish Alija, she doesnít have the guts to do something like that. Where has she been by the way? I havenít seen her since Monday and she seemed just fine. That bitch wonít even answer my texts. Itís not like thatís so hard to do.
- Shut up Lil, maybe something really bad happened to her.
- No sorry(,) I agree with Lil, that bitch just wants to draw attention to herself.
- How can you guys talk about her like that? She is supposed to be your friend too!
- Well sorry Al but a friend would let you know something.
- Well then there is definitely something wrongthen.
- No Al donít worry, she is just fine, probably just skipping with her boy.
- A is not a skipper and neither is she.
- We could try to reach Adam if it makes you feel better.
- Thankyou Kate.
If only they really cared a little about their "friend" they might have noticed the flame in Hannah's eyes who (which)led her to her new life.
God I love being a teacher.
-----------------------

I hope you find my critique helpful and I hope you strive to do well in your writing career xx
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Old 04-16-2018, 07:16 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Ava (Offline)
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Hi Hannah
thank you so much for you help!
I'm not so good at grammar 'cause I'm dutch so I really appreciate all you've done for me!
I'm really glad you liked my work, I know it's very confusing at first, I'll try to make it easier to understand who is talking, but everything will become clear later, or I think at least, I haven't written all of it yet.
Thanks a lot again! It's really kind of you
-Ava
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Old 04-17-2018, 01:09 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Hannah Barron (Offline)
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 19
Points: 18.91
Times Thanked: 2
No problemo. If you need help with your grammar or with your stories just give me a visitor message and i'll help you out
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