YWO > Crow Feathers--Chapter 1.
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|09-05-2012, 06:14 PM||View Post #1 (Link) Crow Feathers--Chapter 1.|
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: In my head.
Times Thanked: 1
It wasn't Katriona's fault that the pony didn't like her. She didn't much like it, either.
It was a small, fat, white mare that wasn't equipped to carry anything heavier than a thin, twelve-year-old princess, and certainly wasn't going to carry the picnic basket. It also had the unfortunate name of Butterball.
But beggars can't be choosers, even when they also happen to be princesses, and there was no way in heck she was getting on one she of the war-horses. She looked back at the pony, and sighed, rummaging through the picnic basket for an apple. Katriona proffered the peace offering, smiling disarmingly.
"Okay, listen, Butterball, I'll make you a deal. You get me to the woods and back and I'll give you a lump of sugar. Deal?"
Butterball eyed her questioningly, and Katriona groaned.
"Look at me. I was perfectly sane this morning and now I'm reduced to talking to a horse. I hate it when Damon's busy!"
The horse whinnied and tossed its head up and down.
"Fine. I'll walk there. See if I care."
She was going to do it, too, until she tried to lift the picnic basket.
"Oof. Okay, how about a deal? You carry the picnic basket and I'll walk."
Butterball neighed and shook herself but as she didn't actually throw a tantrum when the basket was strapped on, Katriona counted herself lucky.
It was a very, very long walk to the bit of forest that the nobles liked. Almost two whole miles. She had never walked that far by herself. She had never walked that far, period.
And then there was Butterball to cope with. Katriona glared at the stupid horse, who was mincing along the road with a disapproving look on her face, which was surprisingly similar to Katriona's governess' when the princess was being unreasonable.
"Can't you walk any faster, horse? At this rate, as soon as we get there we'll have to turn right back around to get home before dark."
Butterball gave her a deeply condescending look, and continued her slow walk. Katriona looked at the picnic basket on her back, then at the horse, and grabbed Butterball's reins. The picnic basket was pulled off of her back and tossed defiantly on the ground, although the princess decided not to stomp on it. Some beggar would be very happy when he found that. After that Katriona hoisted herself onto the pony's back, and stared between her ears. Butterball came to a complete stop. Her rider's eyes narrowed.
"Fine, we'll do it the hard way."
Butterball was having a very bad day. All the mud and the walk and putting up with her stupid human. When she felt the stinging slap on her rump, everything became too much. The human wanted a ride? She'd get a ride.
Katriona screamed as the horse reared up, clutching onto the oily mane. Her fingers slipped through the smooth strands, unable to get a purchase, and she felt herself begin to fall as the horse returned to its customary position. Butterball snorted, and then began to barrel down the road at full speed, throwing up her heels in an attempt to get the human off.
"Whoa!" Katriona yelled. "Wh--"
Butterball jumped over a log in her path, and Katriona's tongue suddenly erupted in a biting pain. The coppery taste of blood filled her mouth, and as Butterball began to run down a road less traveled than the road they were on, the tears in her eyes were joined by a liberal coating of dust all over her face and dress. Her nurse would never let her wear this mess of a dress again.
Butterball came to an abrupt halt and threw up her heels, sending Katriona sailing into a sedate, meandering stream surrounded by trees and tittering squirrels. Slowly Katriona stood up, and looked down at herself. She didn't mind the messy dress as much as her nurse would have, but now she was cold and wet and there was pond slime [I]all over her[I].
Someone was laughing.
Katriona looked around, face flushed with indignant fury, and saw a boy, apparently around twelve, like her, laughing fit to burst. He looked like a savage. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and there were feathers in his hair, and streaks of mud on his face.
"You dare laugh at me?" she yelled, stamping her foot. "You dare?"
"That's one of the funniest things," the boy said, laughing so hard he could barely find time to gasp the words. "I have ever seen,"
Katriona stamped again, and angrily scrubbed the tears out of her eyes.
"Well, I think you're horrible," she said, resentfully. She sloshed onto shore and wrung out her dress as best she could. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back home before Mother sends soldiers out to look for me." She turned in the direction that looked most feasible and stalked off. The boy ran after her.
"Give me one good reason why I should," she said, tossing her hair vindictively.
"You're going the wrong way?" he said, the corner of his mouth turning up into an impish smirk.
Katriona stopped and stared at him.
"Really?" she asked, tiredly. The boy nodded.
"Fudge. Which way's the right way, if you please?"
"Follow the stream out. It'll take you to the town. Then you can use whatever charm you have to make someone let you borrow a horse."
"I have plenty of charm!" she said, insulted. The boy raised an eyebrow. Slowly Katriona's face turned red. She was standing in the middle of the forest with pond slime dripping off of her dress, being abominably rude to the poor boy, her horse had abandoned her, and she'd left her picnic basket on the side of the road.
"It's all right," said the boy, with a generous smile.
Katriona thought he was comforting her until he continued:
"I won't throw anything smelly at you. I think you've had enough. I might push you back into the pond if you keep being a baby, though."
This was too much. Katriona stormed towards the stream and sat down on the banks, burying her head in her hands. She could hear the boy's footsteps behind her, and then his breathing as he crouched down beside her.
Katriona sprang up and shoved him as hard as she could, making him fall into the stream with a resounding splash.
She was expecting him to be angry, but he came up laughing.
"I probably deserved that," he said, his eyes dancing.
Katriona stared at him, standing in the middle of the stream and grinning with pondweed hanging off of one ear, and started to laugh.
"What's your name?" asked the boy, later, as they sat around a small fire he'd made so they could dry off.
"Crown Princess Angelina Miriam Elthoniel Katriona," said Katriona, promptly. "But I only use Katriona for everyday."
"Ah, so you're a princess. That explains a lot. I'll call you Cat. That's what you remind me of, anyway. I'm Crow."
"Crow as in the bird or Crow as in you're cocky and crow about yourself a lot?"
"I wouldn't say that I was cocky. Just handsome, charming..."
"Annoying, vain," finished Katriona, with a smile. She looked down at herself and touched the damp spots, which were just damp, not overly wet.
"I need to go home," she said, suddenly. "It'll take me forever if I have to walk."
"True. That's all right, though. I'll let you borrow my horse. He's very smart. Tell him where you need to go and he should take you there."
Crow stood up and whistled four notes. There was an answering, very loud neigh, and moments later a large black horse stepped through the shrubbery, its mane dripping, like it had been drinking.
"I need you to take this girl home, all right, Shark?"
The horse snorted and bared a set of wickedly sharp teeth. Katriona swallowed at the sight, and edged a little farther away.
"No, no tricks. Just take her to the castle and come straight back."
The horse whinnied and eyed him oddly.
"Why? because she's a nice girl and she's already been through enough today."
Katriona could swear the horse smiled evilly at Crow as it whinnied again.
"No! No, of course not!"
Crow's ears had turned pink. Speaking of his ears, weren't they pointed? And now he was having a conversation with the evil horse with the sharp teeth. She was sure she'd read something about them somewhere. Maybe that fairy tale book...
"Oh fudge," she whispered. "A kelpie. And then Crow..."
She hadn't read about any faeries named Crow, but then, she only knew about four or five faeries out of what could be thousands.
"Uh, Crow?" she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "Your kelpie isn't going to eat me, is he?"
"What kelpie?" he asked. His voice sounded odd.
"The one you're talking to? You're probably not mortal either, come to think of it."
Crow turned around and looked at her.
"Are you going to tell anyone?" he asked.
"Of course not! I don't want to see anyone get hurt!"
"Good answer. I'd like to be your friend."
At this point a crow cawed overhead, and Crow smiled his elfish smile.
"You'd best be getting home. It's almost dark out."
Katriona hoisted herself onto the horse, and as she sped away her mind swirled with all the stories of the fae she'd ever read.
She had a lot not to tell her mother.
|09-06-2012, 01:39 PM||View Post #2 (Link)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Times Thanked: 132
Wow, this was pretty damn good. Overall it was a bit simple, but the narration and storytelling is great.
I've noticed something you do that I tend to do a lot. And that's adding things after people said things. For example "she said, with a smile" or "he said, grinning." Firstly, you should just leave out the comma. Secondly, they always say to avoid things like that. Instead, just go onto what the person is gesturing so we can understand how they said it. For example, instead of saying "she said dismissively" you can say "She groaned and waved her hand away."
Also, what's up with everything being in italics? There's nothing really wrong with that . . . just that it looks rather exaggerated.
I noticed up until she met the boy, there was more narration. The meeting with the boy was more dialogue than description. I think you need to just add some more description when she's with the boy to balance things out.
|09-22-2012, 11:18 AM||View Post #4 (Link)|
Join Date: Sep 2012
Times Thanked: 1
I have to say, you certainly got my respect.
everything is simple and easy to understand, and you're great at narration.
also the interaction between the characters were cute .
I look forward to you continuing the story and fleshing out the characters.
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