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Old 11-20-2011, 03:26 AM View Post #1 (Link) (What I'm calling it at the moment) Her and Her.
Fantasiez. (Offline)
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This is a story I've started about two girls, both freshmen in high school, and both in the same type of position. This is from Cienna Harper's point of view. Cienna is a girl who would be labeled a mix of "preppy" and "bad girl". She's done everything that people in today's world would call "bad". There's a way bigger point to this story..but I don't want to leak that yet. Anything would help me out, I just need some advice because I'm really into this idea. Happy critting! <3
I look at the world in a different perspective. My eyes of olive green and piercing gold see earth in different, unknown colors. When a perfectly normal, pregnant woman walks by me on the sidewalk, I wonder if she sings to her belly at night and reads to her baby stories of comfort and love. As I walk by a tall, dancing oak tree, I picture it as just a sprout blooming from a fresh, healthy pile of soil many years ago. When I see an attractive guy pass me at the mall, his hat sideways and his pants sagging low to his thighs, holding the hand of a bodacious blond, I see him at home, sobbing into his pillow and praying to God that his pain would stop, when that girl dumps him for a guy with a larger ego. When I see that special girl…my heart plummets to the bottom of my belly, and my skin starts dancing on my skeleton, and I begin to glow an elegant shining color that could be seen from the heavens up above. When I hear the voice of that special girl, my ear drums begin to tickle, my words clog up into a mashed up ball in my throat, my eyes dilate and sparkle, I feel them sparkle, so bright, so beautiful.
Heat. So much heat. My plush comforter of pink, yellow, and white plaid felt so heavy this morning, heavier than usual. My sweat pants and cotton black tank top clung to my skin so tightly, making it feel suffocated and in desperate need of cool air. Pushing my overheated blanket off of my body, I let my feet greet the chilled wood floor good morning. Cracking my knuckles with my thumb, I shifted my weight and managed to make it to my bathroom without totally collapsing into an exhausted pile of stressed bones. Looking into the mirror that covered the whole wall above my sink, I studied my face. Tired and slim. My cheeks looked like they had weights stapled into the bottom, making them look loose and lifeless. My eyes and lips are my the favorite parts of my body, my eyes gleam and sparkle an astonishing green and gold, and my lips are the perfect pomegranate shade where they sit, full and soft.
“Cienna! I have to leave. Like now.” Yelled my mother’s voice from down below, “Get Sammy fed when you’re done getting ready, and I swear if I come home and see this kitchen trashed, the both of you will be sorry.”
Rolling my eyes, I watched the blue pasty liquid squeeze from my tooth paste tube and onto my purple brush. There was never a morning that I could wake up fine and dandy, there was always screaming, and threatening, and a whining 5-year-old. My mother would never understand me, or Sammy, my little sister. I was a freshman in high school, and she still couldn’t understand me. Yeah, I get it; I’m a teenager whose body is raging with hormones and those sappy teenage feelings, but no. My mom doesn’t understand anything, just like everyone else on this clueless world. I go to school dressed my best, I’m attractive, all the thugs and wannabe “cool kids” hit on me, and look at me like I’m their “bad bitch”. No…I’m none of those things. I’ve made bad decisions in my life, but I’m a real person. I lost my virginity in seventh grade, I’ve smoked weed with my “friends” who think they’re the shit, I’ve stolen thongs from Victoria’s Secret. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my past for being so young…but the whole time, on the inside, I was the most innocent, misunderstood girl out there.
I walked into Algebra slowly, my head and eyes laying low and my sandals tapping lightly on the tile floor that I could see my reflection in. Desks were full of sagging heads and tapping pencils. Two outcast boys in the back of the room carefully folded a piece of college-ruled notebook paper into a jet plane. I watched as they ripped it up out of imperfection, and then pulled out another sheet to start a new one.
“Harper, do you have a pass?” spoke a familiar, nerve-itching voice that I tended to call “Mrs. Bitchner”.
“No, I’m tardy.” I told her, already beginning to pull out my school agenda from the beige bag around my shoulder.
“Ah,” she breathed a sigh of annoyance. “once again. When will you ever be in here on time?”
Every pair of eyes in the room turned away to what they were doing, or not doing, and studied me, most likely awaiting a snobby response. I didn’t blame them, those were my specialties.
“I’ll work on it,” I bit my tongue, smoothing out my slightly ripped, skin-tight jeans.
Mrs. Bittner’s eyes widened, then shrunk back into their normal, beady structure. “Then possibly you’ll begin to pass my class with your usual absences decreasing.”
Anger began to grow on the very bottom later of my skin. My eyes squinted and my lips tensed up, trying their hardest not to blurt the most smart, disrespectful words that were soaking in my mouth. The anger spread all throughout my frame now, making the adrenaline in my veins start to pulse throughout my whole body.
“Honestly, I don’t find it necessary to announce to the whole class that I’m failing.”
“I don’t find it necessary for you to speak to me like that in front of my students.” She grabbed for her pad of office slips, readying herself to send me out of the room. Um, yeah, unacceptable.
A chuckle escaped from my throat. “Alright then.” I barked, adjusting my bag around my neck.
Before I knew it, I was in the hallway, the sudden slam of the door still echoing off the metal red lockers and brick. Padding down the hall, I stared at my feet as I made my way to an unknown destination. There was too much going on in my life to put up with a clueless teacher’s bull shit. Piles of homework to sit down and do, bitchy parents to attempt to avoid, a little sister to raise, rumors to let kill me inside, a life I have to live.
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:01 AM View Post #2 (Link)
unserpang (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Fantasiez. View Post
This is a story I've started about two girls, both freshmen in high school, and both in the same type of position. This is from Cienna Harper's point of view. Cienna is a girl who would be labeled a mix of "preppy" and "bad girl". She's done everything that people in today's world would call "bad". There's a way bigger point to this story..but I don't want to leak that yet. Anything would help me out, I just need some advice because I'm really into this idea. Happy critting! <3
I look at the world in a different perspective. maybe try (I see the world though unique eyes, eyes of olive green..with piercing gold to see the earth in unknown colors)My eyes of olive green and piercing gold see earth in different, unknown colors. where are you?When a perfectly normal, pregnant woman walks by me on the sidewalk, (what does this womas facial expressoins tell you)wonder if she sings to her belly(maybe use something stronger then belly, i.e. unborn child) at night comma will she reads to her baby stories of comfort and love. As I walk by a tall, dancing oak tree, I picture it as just a sprout blooming from a fresh, healthy pile of soil many years ago. Unsure why but I dont like this sentance--> When I see an attractive guy pass me at the mall, his hat sideways and his pants sagging low to his thighs i dont think "to his thighs" is necessary i would end the sentance there, ( He is holding the hand of a bodacious blond who will undoubtably leave him for a man with a larger ego. Use some forshadowing i think it will help) I see him at home, sobbing into his pillow and praying to God that his pain would stop,he is suffering from broken heart insteadof --> when that girl dumps him for a guy with a larger ego.<-- There is no structure of time here, I understand this is a dream but the reader does not yet know this, its a bit confusing, maybe be a bit more descriptive during this walk down memory lane When I see that special girl…my heart plummets to the bottom of my belly, and my skin starts dancing on my skeleton, and I begin to glow,i am radiating a pitch so bright it could be seen from the heavens, an elegant shining color ( that could be seen from the heavens up above. When I hear the voice of that special girl, my ear drums drum begins to tickle, my words clog up into a mashed up ball in my throat, my eyes dilate and sparkle,I would end this sentance and get rid of this--> I feel them sparkle, so bright, so beautiful.
Heat. So much heat. My plush comforter of pink, yellow,(I woukld say pink, white and yellow plaid instead it flows better) and white plaid felt so heavy this morning, heavier than usual. My sweat pants and cotton black tank top clung to my skin so tightly, making it me feel suffocated, and in desperate need of cool air. Pushing my( overheated body out from under my blanket) overheated blanket off of my body, I let my feet greet the chilled wood floor good morning. Cracking my knuckles with my thumb, I shifted my weight and managed to make it to my bathroom without totally collapsing into an exhausted pile of stressed bones. Looking into the mirror that covered the whole wall above my sink, I studied my face. commaTired and slim. My cheeks looked like they had weights stapled into the bottom, making them look loose and lifeless. My eyes and lips are my the favorite parts of my body<-- I would take this out and make it so you are startled again by the complexity and beauty of your eyes..eyes that breath life into your lathargic features my eyes gleam and sparkle an astonishing green and gold, and my lips are the perfect pomegranate shade where they sit, full and soft.
“Cienna! I have to leave. Like now.” Yelled my mother’s voice from down below, “Get Sammy fed when you’re done getting ready, and I swear if I come home and see this kitchen trashed, the both of you will be sorry.”
Rolling my eyes, I watched the blue pasty liquid squeeze from my tooth paste tube and onto my purple brush. There was never a morning that I could wake up fine and dandy, there was always screaming, and threatening, and a whining 5-year-old. My mother would could never understand me, or Sammy, my little sister. I was a freshman in high school, and she still couldn’t understand me. Yeah, I get it; I’m I was, before it seemed like you were reminicing a little confusing a teenager whose body is raging with hormones and those pesky sappy teenage feelings, but no. My mom doesn’t understand anything, just like everyone else on this clueless world. I go to school dressed my best, ( you are using two different tenses some are present and then some are past it makes it difficult to understand. for instance you say "i go to school dressed my best" attractive, all the thugs and wannabe “cool kids” hit on me, and look at me like I’m their “bad bitch”. No…I’m none of those things. I’ve made bad decisions in my life, but I’m a real person. I lost my virginity in seventh grade, I’ve smoked weed with my “friends” who think they’re the shit, I’ve stolen thongs from Victoria’s Secret. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my past for being so young…but the whole time, on the inside, I was the most innocent, misunderstood girl out there. going into your next paragraph you go from looking at yourself in the bathroom to walking through school, you need a segway or atleast to inform the reader what is happeningI walked into Algebra slowly, my head and eyes laying low and my sandals tapping lightly on the tile floor that I could see my reflection in. awkward sentance dosnt have much reason to it, we get no look into what you are thinking and there isnt enough detail to make this particular scene stand out Desks were full of sagging heads and tapping pencils. Two outcast boys in the back of the room carefully folded a piece of college-ruled notebook paper into a jet plane. comma I watched as they ripped it up out of imperfection, and then pulled out another sheet to start a new one.
“Harper, do you have a pass?” spoke a familiar, nerve-itching voice that I tended to call “Mrs. Bitchner”.
“No, I’m tardy.” I told her, already beginning to pull out my school agenda from the beige bag around my shoulder.
“Ah,” she breathed a sigh of annoyance. “once again. When will you ever be in here on time?”
Every pair of eyes in the room turned away to from what they were doing, or not doing, and to studied me, most likely awaiting a snobby response. I didn’t blame them, those were my specialties.
“I’ll work on it,” I bit my tongue, smoothing out my slightly ripped, skin-tight jeans.
Mrs. Bittner’s eyes widened, then shrunk back into their normal, beady structure. “Then possibly you’ll begin to pass my class with your usual absences decreasing.”
Anger began to grow on the very bottom later of my skin. My eyes squinted and my lips tensed up, trying their hardest not to blurt the most smart, disrespectful words that were soaking in my mouth. The anger spread all throughout my frame now, making the adrenaline in my veins start to pulse throughout my whole body.
“Honestly, I don’t find it necessary to announce to the whole class that I’m failing.”
“I don’t find it necessary for you to speak to me like that in front of my students.” She grabbed for her pad of office slips, readying herself to send me out of the room. Um, yeah, unacceptable.
A chuckle escaped from my throat. “Alright then.” I barked, adjusting my bag around my neck.
Before I knew it, I was in the hallway, the sudden slam of the door still echoing off the metal red lockers and brick. Padding down the hall, I stared at my feet as I made my way to an unknown destination. There was too much going on in my life to put up with a clueless teacher’s bull shit. Piles of homework to sit down and do, bitchy parents to attempt to avoid, a little sister to raise, rumors to let kill me inside, a life I have to live.
You say "and" entirely too much, try to refrain from using it so much. also, I understand that the way you write you try to have us follow your though process but you are using commas where they are not needed, work on run on sentances. i hope this helps It has potential though dont give up!!
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