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Old 03-23-2010, 01:05 PM View Post #1 (Link) A Criminal's Heart (Prologue)
shubhangi.sood (Offline)
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Hope you like it.


PROLOGUE
AMANDA:
“Please stop joking,” I commanded. Olivia’s eyes were full of greed and weren’t going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?
“Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? I am being serious. Trust me,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver to scare me. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself.
“Why would you do this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was. Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up.
“You have ruined my life,” she blamed me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast. I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason she was going to give?
Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another proof that she was determined of killing me. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.
“Would you kill me then? How have I ruined your life?” I barked in rage,not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time . I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails.
“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about how much more fame will god give to you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment, all of it just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous! I envy you,” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. My fame? My success? Had all this been the reason? What kind of a friend envies her friend's success? I looked down to see the Korth revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet when pain abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain more,praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills. Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? I looked up to see Olivia for the first time greeting me with a smile but a demented one.
“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered.
I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, who was going to destroy me forever.
“I should have tied your mouth too. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one.People think you are, however you don't fool me I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.
“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal.
“No. I just want your end,” she laughed hysterically . I could see my death near me,
“Please don’t do this.”
"Okay then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are,” she transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.She pressed the trigger.... The next thing I knew was that I was dead. I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise.he paradise I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. Then I remembered one old Indian proverb," We come in the world empty-handied and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.
Though I was dead, a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.
"GOD SHE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WILL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVENS EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON.
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:14 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Kanen (Offline)
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Hey, here's a crit. I hope it helps. My suggestions will be in blue.

Spoiler:
Originally Posted by shubhangi.sood View Post
Hope you like it.

PROLOGUE

AMANDA:

“Please stop joking,” I commanded Agh! That's a big word, and it sounds unatural. Just say said; readers just tended to skip over said. This breaks the flow of your work and hurts it. You don't have to use huge vocabulary for dialogue tags. . Olivia’s eyes were full of greed I would have said something like insanity. I mean, if your character is really insane, why would her eyes be full of greed? What does she want? and weren’t going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her? I know this is first person, but I would italicize that. Makes it easier for the readers to understand, at least in my opinion.

“Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? That sounds really weird/awkward. Why not just rephrase to something like, "Why would I joke about something like this?" It flows better and sounds like someone would actually say that. I am being serious. Why not just "I'm serious". Again, unnatrual dialogue. Trust me Why would she need to trust her? She's holding a gun to her. If someone was holding a gun to me, I would trust that they knew what they were doing.,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver to scare me. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. She won’t kill me, This needs to be offset somehow, either through italics, bolding it, or putting it in quotes. I mumbled to myself.
OK, well. This has a good hook, you get points for that. I want to read more. But there's no description. I realize you say this is a prologue, but it still needs description. We need to know what the heck is going on. You don't necessarily have to do that in the first chapter, but keep it in mind.


“Why would I would replace with "are", reason being, she's talking in present tense. I know if someone was holding a gun to me, I would be thinking of the here and now, not the future. you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now, but I knew she was. Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth, so she must have the power to end me up.

I repeat, "Make your dialogue more natural".

“You have ruined my life,I would change that to an exclamation point, only because I visualize her yelling that. But that's just a personal preference.” she blamed I really don't think that is a verb. Even if it is, it sounds off. I would consider changing it to something else. Again though, personal preference. me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter It called shrapnel if it's from a bomb. from a bomb blast. I had never thought that my best friend envied How can she figure out that this person envied her from "You have ruined my life,"? me. I had never done any bad to her, so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason she was going to give? This sentence makes no sense and throws off the flow. I would just cut it.

Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was I would consider cutting these two words; they're not needed. another proof that she was determined of killing me. Change to "to kill me" the other just sounds strange. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.

“Would you kill me then? I know what you mean, but this sentence sounds like she's asking her to kill her. Try rephrasing, maybe to something like, "Why kill me?" How have I ruined your life?” I barked Again, this is a big adjetive. I really don't think you need it, but you don't have to change it. in rage, I would be scared right now, not mad.not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time You contradicted yourself. First you say she's mad, and then you say she's just stalling. Pick one. . I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails How are they scraping her nails? Wouldn't they be tired around her wrist?.

“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about I would rephrase this to ", wondering how..." how much more fame will God give to Not needed and just sounds weird. you. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places, and five star treatment, Needs to either be a semi-colon or a new sentence.all of it just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am I am sounds so unnatural. I don't say "I am" I say "I'm". Just a suggestion.jealous! I envy you,” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac, which indeed she had become. How would this person know that? To me, it just seems like she's pissed off.My fame? My success? Had all this been the reason? What kind of a friend I would change to "person" because you repeat "friend" twice. envies her friend's success? I looked down to see the Korth It's ok to tell us the name of the type of revolver once, but now I think you should just call it "revolver". revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling, I should pick it up, I thought to myself. "I thought to myself" should not be in italics.

I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet This sounds really strange. Why not try rephrasing it. Maybe try, "I bent down quietly and tried dragging the revolver closer to me with my feet". That not the best either, but you get the point. when pain abruptly struck me. Olivia had stomped her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain You've already said pain once. New word. more As far as I can tell, she hasn't been screaming in pain. You don't need the "more".,praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills? Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. Thoughts, like I said, should be italicized. Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? What the heck is up with this sentence? This looks like you accidentally copied and pasted something from an old crit on here. Whatever it it is, it completely throws off the flow. I looked up to see Olivia for the first She hasn't been looking at Olivia this entire time? I don't think so. time greeting me with a smile, but a demented one. I would just say "greeting me with a demented smile".

“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently You can't silently whisper. whispered.

I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, who was going to destroy me forever.You don't need "forever". If she's going to destroy you, it's going to be forever, the readers already no that.

“I should have tied your mouth too. Awkward. You don't tie someone's mouth, you gag them. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one.People think you are, however Weird word. A simple "but" would work. you don't fool me I taught you acting. I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs. If she doesn't want the other person shouting, why is she?

“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely I wouldn't be polite here, I would be desperate. . I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal.

“No. I just want your end.She laughed hysterically . I could see my death near me.

“Please don’t do this.”

"Okay, then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. The role which eventually I think you mean rightfully was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are.She transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. Why is she thinking about this now? She's about to die! I heard a crackle and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head.She pressed the trigger.... I would start a new paragraph here.The next thing I knew was that I was dead. I floated above her, above my body, leaving behind my paradise. The paradise I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. Then I remembered one old Indian proverb," We come in the world empty-handied and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" Ok, no offense, but this person sounds like a bimbo actor, someone who's not the brightest, or at least only concentrates on her acting. Why is she quoting old Indian proverbs? I could now agree with the creator of proverb. I had spent my whole life earning all this, but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.

Though I was dead, This makes no sense. I think what you mean is something like, "With my death..." a new Olivia had born, the one with a mission. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

"GOD SHE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WILL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVENS EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON. You don't need to use such big font. Simply bolding it will work.

OK, well. The plot line seems interesting, if you mean to go through the novel with the mad person as your MC(main character). But this piece in general wasn't the greatest. Your dialogue sounds so unnatural, unlike anything someone would actually say. Can you imagine yourself saying the things that your characters say, with the huge words and the "I am's"? Setting wise, you give us little to no description. I realize this is a prologue, but people need at least some image of what's going on, where they are, what the people look like. Something. Some of your verbs and adjectives were very unnatural. That needs fixing.

Another thing I noticed was that you were misusing the commas in dialogue. Here's how you do it. With dialogue, you only put a comma and continue the sentence if you are doing dialogue tags. If you want to tell about motions that they do, like you have in this section, or really anything else, start a new sentence. I hope that makes sense.

All and all, the story was okay. You had some errors, but that can be fixed. It still needs work, if you really want to turn it into something great. Keep on Writing!
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						Last edited by Kanen; 03-23-2010 at 10:43 PM.
					
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Old 03-24-2010, 02:40 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Clarissa (Offline)
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I shall be critting in red. I haven't read the other crits, so sorry if I repeat anything that's already been said by the noble and wise Kanen. Okie dokie, let's get going.

Originally Posted by shubhangi.sood View Post
Hope you like it.


PROLOGUE
AMANDA:
“Please stop joking,” I commanded This breaks up the flow of the line. Plus it's your first line and you're already bombarding the reader with complicated and pretty unnecessary vocab. A simple ''said'' would do the trick. Also, ''please stop joking'' doesn't really make sense. ''Please tell me you're joking'' or ''It's not funny anymore, Olivia'' or ''Stop it, you're scaring me'' or something like that would be much better. Please stop joking is blunt and frankly it just doesn't work. Sorry, for some reason I'm in harsh mode. It's nothing personal, I'm just tired. Olivia’s eyes were full of greed and weren’t going to spare me Olivia's eyes weren't going to spare you? Once again, this doesn't make sense. Yes, I'm being fussy, but that's who I am. I'm fussy. Another thing, and this may be just me again, but surely Olivia's eyes would be full of hatred, not greed. She's about to kill the MC, why is that being greedy? At the moment it sounds as though she's about to rob her or something, to get some kind of reward. What in the world had gotten into her?
“Why would I joke about such a serious matter as this is? I am being serious You just used the word serious. You should probably change one of them to avoid repetition which breaks the flow of your work and bores the reader. Use a synonym or change one of the sentences. Trust me Repetition of short sentence structure lessens the effect. Short sentences are used for impact but shouldn't be overused. Otherwise they no longer have any impact on the reader and don't serve any purpose. You could join those two together like ''I am being serious, trust me''. That way, the comma allows for pause which creates an effect similar to that of the two short sentences,” Olivia replied. She twisted her Korth revolver to scare me You're stating here. If you say something like ''threateningly'' or ''menacingly'' it implies that the MC is being frightened, without actually saying ''to scare me''. This makes it more interesting because you're SHOWING rather than TELLING. But I still couldn't believe that she was going to do that. Kill me. She won’t kill me, I mumbled to myself. You just said that. You're repeating what you said. It's unnecessary.
“Why would ''are'' would sound better here, because it's actually happening, it's not hypothetical you doing this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was This makes little sense. Try ''Even now, her heart-shaped face looked innocent and child-like, although I was beginning to realise that it hid the sould of a killer''. Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up. This is unnecessary. It adds next to nothing to the story, so you may as well just get rid of it. Personally, I hate almost all sentences that begin with well, because I can tell that they're going to be unnecessary. But that's just me...

“You have ruined my life! The exclamation mark adds feeling which is lacking. At the moment she is just stating something in one tone of voice which doesn't vary at all. It's almost robotic. You need to add some colour to the dialogue as well as to the story itself.” she blamed That's not a verb. It's also stating, rather than showing. What about ''she spat at me''? That shows anger etc me. This accusation hurt me like a splinter from a bomb blast Nice attempt to be descriptive (something this piece is lacking so far by the way) but it's not the most carefully chosen image. Splinters don't tend to hurt all that much, so you're basically saying that the comment didn't hurt at all. You've also just said that the comment hurt her like a splinter from a bomb blast. You have a huge catastrophe, but she's only affected a tiny bit. Do you see what I mean? . I had never thought that my best friend envied me. I had never done any bad to her, so why was she trying to kill me? Just for some silly reason she was going to give? This doesn't make sense either. I personally would just cut it. It's not needed.

Her fingers weren’t quivering and no smile lit up her face. This was another proof that she was determined of killing me. Once again, this is unclear. You say ''determined to kill me'' and I think ''more proof'' sounds better. However, this sentence is unnecessary and it breaks up the flow of your work. She had never stretched a joke or prank of hers for this long before. She was dead serious about this.

“Would you kill me then? This sentence sounds as though she's asking to be killed already. Maybe ''Why kill me?'' How have I ruined your life?” I barked Okay, once again, you don't need to go overly complicated. Also, why the hell is she ''barking in rage'' when a gun is being held to her head? in rage, not even wanting to hear the answers, just stalling for time. I tried to free myself from the rope she had tied around my hands, which I was sure had left a red mark on my freshly manicured nails The rope is around her wrists, most likely, so why would it affect her nails. And also, why is she thinking about her nails at a time like this???? That's annoying, to me anyway. Sorry. .
“You stole my peace. Every night I go to bed thinking about ''wondering'' works better here how much more fame will God (capital ''G'' dude, don't show disrespect ) will give to you This again makes no sense. I have added in a few things that I think will make it clearer. Expensive wardrobe, holidays at exotic places and five star treatment; all of it just drives me crazy. I am jealous of you. Did you hear me? I am jealous Capital letters would be cool, to show the shouting. However, some people don't like that, so don't wory about it.! I envy you You don't need this. I would cut it, you've already mentioned her jealousy twice,” she dropped the revolver and closed her ears with her hands screaming like a maniac which indeed she had become. My fame? My success? Had all this been the reason? What kind of a friend envies her friend's You're repeating ''friend''. It makes it boring and the reader sort of stumbles on it. Change the first ''friend'' to person. success? I looked down to see the Korth It was alright that you told us what type of revolver it was in the beginning, but now it's not needed. revolver close to me. While she is screaming and howling I should pick it up, I thought to myself - Italics aren't needed because the italics show the thought and she is not thinking ''I thought to myself'' to herself... Because only crazy people do that.
I took a deep breath before taking the revolver. Olivia was still standing there unaware of my plan. I bent down quietly Bending down in general doesn't make a noise. It's really only the speed of the bending down that you need to describe. and tried to bring the revolver closer to me by dragging it with my feet Why would she need to bend down when she's dragging it with her feet? I would have thought standing up would have been easier. Also, to cut this sentence down a little, you could say ''tried to drag the revovler closer with my feet'' when pain abruptly struck me Struck you where? And this sounds like she wasn't looking, although she would have been looking at the revolver, so she would have seen Olivia stomping on her foot. This is one long sentence. Maybe break it up a little, or add punctuation. PUNCTUATION. It annoys me, sorry. Olivia had stomped ''stomped'' is a little kiddy word. Also, describe her pain a little more, and how hard Olivia had STAMPED on her foot. her sandal on my foot. I screeched in pain more,praying that my neighbors would somehow hear me. But who is at home around 10 at Beverly Hills? This is a question, therefore it needs a question mark. Most of them are busy partying in a club or in five star hotels and no one is going to come before next day, I thought. Oh, so it's night time. It took you this long to actually describe the scene. That's not a good thing. And while we're on that track, where are they? Are they inside, outside, in an alleyway, in a bedroom? We have had no description at all. Couldn’t these thoughts go somewhere else? This isn't needed, you could just cut it. I looked up to see Olivia for the first time greeting me with a smile but a demented one. This line makes no sense. First of all, it has no punctuation, *growls*. Second, it has no punctuation. Yes I repeated myself, but that's because it's very important. Try ''I looked up and Olivia greeted me with a demented smile''

“I should have made myself clear before,” she silently whispered. You can't silently whisper. In fact there is no way you can talk silently, unless you're mouthing. Besides, whispered is already pretty quiet.

I raised my one eyebrow. I couldn't understand her. It seemed like she was a new Olivia, the one I had never come across with, who was going to destroy me forever. We already know it's going to be forever, that's pretty much what destroyed is. Therefore, the ''forever'' is redundant.
“I should have tied your mouth too You don't tie mouths, you gag them. You shout a lot. Just like a B-grade actress. That’s what you are. You are not an A-grade one Tooo many short sentences. It sounds kind of lazy, like you can't be bothered to use punctuation to join up these lines, but then again, maybe I'm just a little bit angry at the general lack of punctuation. Whatever. Anyway, I've already said that too many short sentences lessens the effect. Please, please, please don't do it. People think you are, however but you don't fool me, I taught you acting This makes no sense. I think there's some punctuation missing.... I got you work here. Remember?,” she shouted at top of her lungs.

“What do you want? Money? Fame?” I asked her politely Not politely, otherwise it starts to sound like a job interview. And there's a gun involved, as well as certain death. You wouldn't be polite, you would be desperate. I had once read that you shouldn’t challenge or engage yourself in a fight with any mentally insane criminal.
“No. I just want your end *snorts with laughter* Sorry, my immaturity has emerged. .She laughed hysterically . I could see that my death near me.
“Please don’t do this.”
"Okay, then I want the role of Casey from Midnight Theft. I can't believe she would give in that easily... The role which eventually I think you meant ''rightfully'' was mine but went to you. The one which made you what you are.She transported me to those pleasant memories. I began thinking how accidentally the role had come to me. Okay. Why the hell is she reminiscing? She's about to die. Either she's stupid... or she's easily distracted. I heard a crackle What crackled? Guns don't crackle, wrappers do and saw Olivia pointing the gun at my head. She pressed the trigger.... New paragraph here.

Right. It's very hard to write about the death of the main character from the first person. The Lovely Bones is one of the few instances where it actually worked, so be very careful about this. The next thing I knew was that I was dead. I floated above her, above my body leaving behind my paradise. The paradise I had created with my sheer hardwork and talent. I was leaving everything behind me. Then I remembered an old Indian proverb, "We come in the world empty-handied and go back without anything. Then why does man crave fame and power?" Oooh cheesy. Proverbs after death??? How cliched is that?! And also, she's floating above her body, why is she being all philosophical? Describe how she's feeling! I could now agree with the creator of proverb This is so ridiculous it made me laugh. She's dead and yet she's agreeing with ''the creator of the proverb'' (which by the way makes no sense) I would just cut that line. You can keep the proverb, if you must, because you've actually sort of managed to tie it into the story... . I had spent my whole life earning all this, but it took a second for Olivia to separate me from it.

Though I was dead, a new Olivia had been born, the one with a mission. I get what you're trying to say here, but you don't say it very clearly. To destroy everything which reminded the world of me. From here on started Olivia’s crime life.

"GOD If you're talking to God, you need a comma after ''God''. SHE DOESN"T KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE, PLEASE FORGIVE HER," I WILL PRAY THIS FROM THE HEAVENS EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON. This doesnt make sense. The ''this'' isn't needed and ''from now on'' sounds childish.
You've got a good idea here, the plot is interesting. It's a lot like Lovely Bones, but if you can make it work, it will be good.

1) Okay, PUNCTUATION PLEASE. A lot of your sentences are completely lacking punctation, making it very hard to read them. I can't tell if it's just laziness, or if you actually don't know when to put them in. You really need to pay attention to your punctuation because it's what makes your writing flow, and at the moment it's pretty disjointed. Little tip: Read through carefully, aloud actually. That way you'll know right away if any punctuation is missing.
2) DESCRIPTION. Although this is a prologue, we still need to know what the hell is going on. We had no idea where the two were until quite late on when you mentioned Beverly Hills. We also didn't know what time it was until halfway through the story. I still didn't find out whether they were inside or outside. Oh, and some of your verbs were completely unnatural, as though you were looking up synoyms for ''said''. I know they teach you not to use ''said'' all the time in school, but it's often better than an overly complicated word that means the same thing and only ends up making the writing sound disjointed.
3) SHOW not TELL. I say this to a lot of people, but it's important. You can't just have a list of events because that gets pretty boring and monotonous very quickly. This ties in with the description. You need to be more subtle. I'm pretty sure there's a post about this somewhere...

Those are just three of my points. There are others, but I've forgotten them because it's taken me a while to do this. *waits for applause*
Quite a bit of work, but don't be discouraged, I was being harsh. You've got a good idea, keep writing, and with a little editing, this will be great. I hope I helped.
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Old 03-25-2010, 03:03 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
shubhangi.sood (Offline)
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Thanks Clarissa I will work on the points you mentioned.
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:47 PM View Post #5 (Link) critic
william (Offline)
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OK, the plot seems intriguing, but the text at the beginning is already heavy. you should try and start of with a bit of a light writting style.
Another thing is that you seem to be adding very little to the actual story and repeat a few things

“Please stop joking,” I commanded. Olivia’s eyes were full of greed and weren’t going to spare me. What in the world had gotten into her?
This line is too abrupt, I feel, to be your story opener. I feel a little intro to where the two charachters are would have been a better start.
LINE 1:“Why would you do this to me?” I asked. Her heart shaped face didn’t look dangerous even now but I knew she was.
LINE 2: Well, she had had the courage to buy an expensive revolver like Korth so she must have the power to end me up.

Look you've already told the reader that Olivia was sort of dangerous in line 1 so why paraphrase it in line 2
see my point


I hope my crits were alright and that I didnt offend. the advice is only mine and It is according to what I like to read. you dant have to follow it.
Hope I helped you in some way.
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:12 PM View Post #6 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
shubhangi.sood (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: New delhi,India
Posts: 12
Points: 2.87
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Thanks William. I will surely get back on this.
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