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Old 11-30-2012, 09:13 AM View Post #1 (Link) 16 years ago - Chapter 1
samreenstories (Offline)
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Hi! This is my first story on here, I hope you like it..? If it's a success (it actually gets some views and critiques) I'll continue, if it isn't I'll go cry in a corner
lol well i did it separate paragraphs so it would be easier to read
word count is 1072, including this bit, if anybodys interested, should one chapter be longer or shorter, or is this ok?
Anyway, enjoy the story
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I thought it was a great idea.

"Yes, thanks," Lexi smiled, hanging up the phone. I, along with Steph, Leah and Jake, eagerly awaited Lexi to tell all.

"We didn't manage to book it," she shrugged, walking away. I froze. I'd been anticipating this holiday for weeks, maybe even months. There was a large, neat holiday house in Florida, and that is where I want to be. Leah pulled Lexi back by the shoulder.

"You're kidding, right?" She asked.

"Of course I am," she grinned. We all screamed and hugged each other. I'd go swimming with dolphins first! No, visit some museums! Wait, I have to go a theme park!

"Er, David?" I looked up. Jake and I were the only ones left in the kitchen.

"Where have they gone?" I wondered.

"To pack, you idiot, and we should go do the same." Jake headed out of the kitchen and I trailed after him. Were we leaving so soon? I don't mind, 5 friends in Florida, what could be better?

"What am I supposed to pack?!" I shouted, staring at my empty suitcase. There was no reply. Helpful people. I threw in spare changes of clothes and underwear, sunglasses, my toothbrush, and a few books. That'll do. I closed my suitcase and went to find the others.

"You ready to go?" Steph asked, beaming. I nodded eagerly.

"I'll take your suitcase to the car," Leah said. I handed my suitcase and she gasped.

"What?" I asked, alarmed. She shook her head at me, muttering to herself about how little I packed. I shrugged.

"We're going now?" I questioned, changing the subject.

"No, dufus, in a few months," Jake replied. I stared at him blankly. "Of course we're going now, what's wrong with you, David?"

Ugh. I'd forgotten how little I thought of aeroplanes. Clutching the seat in front of me, I doubled over, panting.

"Jeez, Dave, we haven't even taken off yet!" Steph remarked, looking at me weirdly.

"I have a slight fear of flying," I explained, closing my eyes tightly. A slight fear wouldn't exactly describe it, but I didn't want to seem over-dramatic. Steph soon found out though, along with the rest of the passengers, that I had a phobia as soon as the plane took off. I screamed and screamed until my voice got hoarse, then I just leaned back in my seat, shaking. I turned my head to whisper an apology to Steph, but she was gone. I mouthed to Jake, asking where she'd gone.

"You embarrassed her, mate," Jake answered, smiling. "Plus you gave her a headache." I sighed and closed my eyes. Maybe I could sleep the rest of the journey off. When I finally managed to nod off, I had nightmares. The plane was crashing down to the earth, and everybody was sleeping through it. I made my way to the pilot, but he was asleep. I took control of the plane, but I only managed to make it go into loop-the-loops. I felt dizzy. Everything was going blurry. I collapsed.

"Dave? David!" I woke up with a start, trembling. Lexi was shaking me by the shoulders.

"Y-yes?" I stammered.

"The plane's landing," she told me. I gasped, and gripped my armrests. I breathed quickly until my ears went funny.

"My ears!" I cried. Everybody looked at me and groaned. This time I was being serious, though!

"Just swallow," Jake said. I did, and my ears were fine. Phew.

We stood in front of the holiday house, admiring it.

"It's huge," whispered Leah.

"It's so beautiful and grand," commented Steph.

"It's so sunny in Florida," Lexi said with a happy sigh.

"There's a pool!" Jake grinned.

"I'm just glad to be off that plane," I said, dragging my suitcase towards the door. Lexi opened it with her keys, and we all stepped inside. With a simultaneous gasp, we paused to admire the huge interior. Of course, Jake had to ruin the moment.

"Hurry up, the sooner we unpack the sooner we can head to the pool!" So we all scattered towards our separate rooms.

I had a king-sized bed with a red velvet canopy. The cream carpet was soft, and the rich mahogany wardrobe with brass handles was just nice to look at. I flopped onto the bed, and felt myself sinking into a pool of feathers, warm and content.

Reluctantly, I stood up again to start unpacking.

There was a scream. A shrill scream, a plea for help. Steph's plea for help. I rushed out of my room, but all I heard was a door close. The other 3 were standing outside their doors, looking worried as well.

"Steph?" I called helplessly. There was no answer. We all rushed down the grand staircase and out of the front door. There was an ice-cream van opposite our holiday home, he would've seen something.

"Excuse me sir," Lexi said politely. She proceeded to describe what Steph looked like.

"Did you see a girl like that come out of that house?" Jake pointed back to the luxury house.

The ice-cream man gasped. An expression of horror crossed his features. Then he shook his head disbelievingly.

"Either you're tourists or a couple of pranksters," he said.

"We're tourists," Leah informed him. "Why?"

"Haven't you heard the story?" He whispered, leaning closer to us. "Sixteen years ago - Hello, madam, can I help you?" We turned, confused, towards where he was facing. A chirpy looking customer stood there, ordering chocolate ice-cream. With a slight flick of his head, the ice-cream man indicated for us to go away. We silently plodded back towards the house. Steph was only 20, she had her whole life ahead of her. What did happen sixteen years ago?
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:42 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Elia (Offline)
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Originally Posted by samreenstories View Post
Hi! This is my first story on here, I hope you like it..? If it's a success (it actually gets some views and critiques) I'll continue, if it isn't I'll go cry in a corner
lol well i did it separate paragraphs so it would be easier to read
word count is 1072, including this bit, if anybodys interested, should one chapter be longer or shorter, or is this ok?
Anyway, enjoy the story
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I thought it was a great idea.

"Yes, thanks," Lexi smiled, hanging up the phone. I, along with Steph, Leah and Jake, eagerly awaited Lexi to tell all.

"We didn't manage to book it," she shrugged, walking away. I froze. I'd been anticipating this holiday for weeks, maybe even months. There was a large, neat holiday house in Florida, and that is where I want to be. Leah pulled Lexi back by the shoulder.

"You're kidding, right?" She asked.

"Of course I am," she grinned. We all screamed and hugged each other. I'd go swimming with dolphins first! No, visit some museums! Wait, I have to go a theme park!

"Er, David?" I looked up. Jake and I were the only ones left in the kitchen.

"Where have they gone?" I wondered.

"To pack, you idiot, and we should go do the same." Jake headed out of the kitchen and I trailed after him. Were we leaving so soon? I don't mind, 5 friends in Florida, what could be better?

"What am I supposed to pack?!" I shouted, staring at my empty suitcase. There was no reply. Helpful people. I threw in spare changes of clothes and underwear, sunglasses, my toothbrush, and a few books. That'll do. I closed my suitcase and went to find the others.

"You ready to go?" Steph asked, beaming. I nodded eagerly.

"I'll take your suitcase to the car," Leah said. I handed my suitcase and she gasped.

"What?" I asked, alarmed. She shook her head at me, muttering to herself about how little I packed. I shrugged.

"We're going now?" I questioned, changing the subject.

"No, dufus, in a few months," Jake replied. I stared at him blankly. "Of course we're going now, what's wrong with you, David?"

Ugh. I'd forgotten how little I thought of aeroplanes. Clutching the seat in front of me, I doubled over, panting.

"Jeez, Dave, we haven't even taken off yet!" Steph remarked, looking at me weirdly.

"I have a slight fear of flying," I explained, closing my eyes tightly. A slight fear wouldn't exactly describe it, but I didn't want to seem over-dramatic. Steph soon found out though, along with the rest of the passengers, that I had a phobia as soon as the plane took off. I screamed and screamed until my voice got hoarse, then I just leaned back in my seat, shaking. I turned my head to whisper an apology to Steph, but she was gone. I mouthed to Jake, asking where she'd gone.

"You embarrassed her, mate," Jake answered, smiling. "Plus you gave her a headache." I sighed and closed my eyes. Maybe I could sleep the rest of the journey off. When I finally managed to nod off, I had nightmares. The plane was crashing down to the earth, and everybody was sleeping through it. I made my way to the pilot, but he was asleep. I took control of the plane, but I only managed to make it go into loop-the-loops. I felt dizzy. Everything was going blurry. I collapsed.

"Dave? David!" I woke up with a start, trembling. Lexi was shaking me by the shoulders.

"Y-yes?" I stammered.

"The plane's landing," she told me. I gasped, and gripped my armrests. I breathed quickly until my ears went funny.

"My ears!" I cried. Everybody looked at me and groaned. This time I was being serious, though!

"Just swallow," Jake said. I did, and my ears were fine. Phew.

We stood in front of the holiday house, admiring it.

"It's huge," whispered Leah.

"It's so beautiful and grand," commented Steph.

"It's so sunny in Florida," Lexi said with a happy sigh.

"There's a pool!" Jake grinned.

"I'm just glad to be off that plane," I said, dragging my suitcase towards the door. Lexi opened it with her keys, and we all stepped inside. With a simultaneous gasp, we paused to admire the huge interior. Of course, Jake had to ruin the moment.

"Hurry up, the sooner we unpack the sooner we can head to the pool!" So we all scattered towards our separate rooms.

I had a king-sized bed with a red velvet canopy. The cream carpet was soft, and the rich mahogany wardrobe with brass handles was just nice to look at. I flopped onto the bed, and felt myself sinking into a pool of feathers, warm and content.

Reluctantly, I stood up again to start unpacking.

There was a scream. A shrill scream, a plea for help. Steph's plea for help. I rushed out of my room, but all I heard was a door close. The other 3 were standing outside their doors, looking worried as well.

"Steph?" I called helplessly. There was no answer. We all rushed down the grand staircase and out of the front door. There was an ice-cream van opposite our holiday home, he would've seen something.

"Excuse me sir," Lexi said politely. She proceeded to describe what Steph looked like.

"Did you see a girl like that come out of that house?" Jake pointed back to the luxury house.

The ice-cream man gasped. An expression of horror crossed his features. Then he shook his head disbelievingly.

"Either you're tourists or a couple of pranksters," he said.

"We're tourists," Leah informed him. "Why?"

"Haven't you heard the story?" He whispered, leaning closer to us. "Sixteen years ago - Hello, madam, can I help you?" We turned, confused, towards where he was facing. A chirpy looking customer stood there, ordering chocolate ice-cream. With a slight flick of his head, the ice-cream man indicated for us to go away. We silently plodded back towards the house. Steph was only 20, she had her whole life ahead of her. What did happen sixteen years ago?
Hey firstly welcome to YWO I ain't that good a critic but then I'll try. So here i start.
1. You begin with I thought it was a great idea and the very next line is a direct speech a dialogue ,which neither explains the first line nor does it seem suitable!
2. Instead of sayin I along with Leah, Steph... you could have used a we! As in we all waited for Lexi to tell us about what happened or something. "Tell all" doesn't sound right!
3. There are loads of grammatical errors you need to check those!
4. I could not understand what the story was trying to say! There were so many questions which went unanswered like what happened to steph? What actually happened which resulted in the girl screaming? The characters were not introduced properly we hardly knew anything about the narrator except that he had air sickness.
I'm sorry for this critique but i think it would do you more good if i tell you what's wrong so that atleast you become aware and work on them rather than not improve at all! There are loads of other people in this forum who would help you and critique your piece more comprehensively, i hope they do! Keep writing and learning just like I am!! Best of Luck!!
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There is rapture on the lonely shores..
There is society where none intrudes..
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:30 PM View Post #3 (Link) My probably useless opinion
WannabeRowling (Offline)
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HI! This is my first time to critique, so go easy.
Anyway, I thought it was very good. You opened it well, leaving me curious as to what happens next. Your characters were also very realistic, because personally I hate it when writers have dialogue that is going on and it is not how real people talk at all. Otherwise, I've got nothing!Write more! I wanna read it!
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:53 AM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
samreenstories (Offline)
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2. Instead of sayin I along with Leah, Steph... you could have used a we! I chose to say that so I could introduce the names of the characters? Could you suggest what to say instead so that the reader still knows the names?

3. There are loads of grammatical errors you need to check those! Such as?

4. I could not understand what the story was trying to say! There were so many questions which went unanswered like what happened to steph? What actually happened which resulted in the girl screaming? The characters were not introduced properly we hardly knew anything about the narrator except that he had air sickness.
It's only the first chapter so you're not meant to know everything yet
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:39 AM View Post #5 (Link) Very interesting
LynxTheWolf (Offline)
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It's beginning to have its thrilling adventure. I'm looking foward to see it's next chapter and it's good that 'cliffhanging' that is driving me nuts right now. So hurry up and update! I can't wait for the next part. The first part seems a little boring but when it came to an end. I was like, "Whoa." Sixteen years ago. The new hit.
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:46 PM View Post #6 (Link) My 1st critique, sorry if it's bad
greenbecca (Offline)
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Originally Posted by samreenstories View Post
Hi! This is my first story on here, I hope you like it..? If it's a success (it actually gets some views and critiques) I'll continue, if it isn't I'll go cry in a corner
lol well i did it separate paragraphs so it would be easier to read
word count is 1072, including this bit, if anybodys interested, should one chapter be longer or shorter, or is this ok?
Anyway, enjoy the story
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I thought it was a great idea.

"Yes, thanks," Lexi smiled, hanging up the phone. I, along with Steph, Leah and Jake, eagerly awaited Lexi to tell all.

"We didn't manage to book it," she shrugged, walking away. I froze. I'd been anticipating this holiday for weeks, maybe even months. There was a large, neat holiday house in Florida, and that is where I want to be. Leah pulled Lexi back by the shoulder.

"You're kidding, right?" She asked.

"Of course I am," she grinned. We all screamed and hugged each other. I'd go swimming with dolphins first! No, visit some museums! Wait, I have to go a theme park!

"Er, David?" I looked up. Jake and I were the only ones left in the kitchen.

"Where have they gone?" I wondered.

"To pack, you idiot, and we should go do the same." Jake headed out of the kitchen and I trailed after him. Were we leaving so soon? I don't mind, 5 friends in Florida, what could be better?

"What am I supposed to pack?!" I shouted, staring at my empty suitcase. There was no reply. Helpful people. I threw in spare changes of clothes and underwear, sunglasses, my toothbrush, and a few books. That'll do. I closed my suitcase and went to find the others.

"You ready to go?" Steph asked, beaming. I nodded eagerly.

"I'll take your suitcase to the car," Leah said. I handed my suitcase and she gasped.

"What?" I asked, alarmed. She shook her head at me, muttering to herself about how little I packed. I shrugged.

"We're going now?" I questioned, changing the subject.

"No, dufus, in a few months," Jake replied. I stared at him blankly. "Of course we're going now, what's wrong with you, David?"

Ugh. I'd forgotten how little I thought of aeroplanes. Clutching the seat in front of me, I doubled over, panting.

"Jeez, Dave, we haven't even taken off yet!" Steph remarked, looking at me weirdly.

"I have a slight fear of flying," I explained, closing my eyes tightly. A slight fear wouldn't exactly describe it, but I didn't want to seem over-dramatic. Steph soon found out though, along with the rest of the passengers, that I had a phobia as soon as the plane took off. I screamed and screamed until my voice got hoarse, then I just leaned back in my seat, shaking. I turned my head to whisper an apology to Steph, but she was gone. I mouthed to Jake, asking where she'd gone.

"You embarrassed her, mate," Jake answered, smiling. "Plus you gave her a headache." I sighed and closed my eyes. Maybe I could sleep the rest of the journey off. When I finally managed to nod off, I had nightmares. The plane was crashing down to the earth, and everybody was sleeping through it. I made my way to the pilot, but he was asleep. I took control of the plane, but I only managed to make it go into loop-the-loops. I felt dizzy. Everything was going blurry. I collapsed.

"Dave? David!" I woke up with a start, trembling. Lexi was shaking me by the shoulders.

"Y-yes?" I stammered.

"The plane's landing," she told me. I gasped, and gripped my armrests. I breathed quickly until my ears went funny.

"My ears!" I cried. Everybody looked at me and groaned. This time I was being serious, though!

"Just swallow," Jake said. I did, and my ears were fine. Phew.

We stood in front of the holiday house, admiring it.

"It's huge," whispered Leah.

"It's so beautiful and grand," commented Steph.

"It's so sunny in Florida," Lexi said with a happy sigh.

"There's a pool!" Jake grinned.

"I'm just glad to be off that plane," I said, dragging my suitcase towards the door. Lexi opened it with her keys, and we all stepped inside. With a simultaneous gasp, we paused to admire the huge interior. Of course, Jake had to ruin the moment.

"Hurry up, the sooner we unpack the sooner we can head to the pool!" So we all scattered towards our separate rooms.

I had a king-sized bed with a red velvet canopy. The cream carpet was soft, and the rich mahogany wardrobe with brass handles was just nice to look at. I flopped onto the bed, and felt myself sinking into a pool of feathers, warm and content.

Reluctantly, I stood up again to start unpacking.

There was a scream. A shrill scream, a plea for help. Steph's plea for help. I rushed out of my room, but all I heard was a door close. The other 3 were standing outside their doors, looking worried as well.

"Steph?" I called helplessly. There was no answer. We all rushed down the grand staircase and out of the front door. There was an ice-cream van opposite our holiday home, he would've seen something.

"Excuse me sir," Lexi said politely. She proceeded to describe what Steph looked like.

"Did you see a girl like that come out of that house?" Jake pointed back to the luxury house.

The ice-cream man gasped. An expression of horror crossed his features. Then he shook his head disbelievingly.

"Either you're tourists or a couple of pranksters," he said.

"We're tourists," Leah informed him. "Why?"

"Haven't you heard the story?" He whispered, leaning closer to us. "Sixteen years ago - Hello, madam, can I help you?" We turned, confused, towards where he was facing. A chirpy looking customer stood there, ordering chocolate ice-cream. With a slight flick of his head, the ice-cream man indicated for us to go away. We silently plodded back towards the house. Steph was only 20, she had her whole life ahead of her. What did happen sixteen years ago?
Heya

The story has a REALLY good story line and title. It caught my eye when I was scrolling through!! The story is written really well and my only advise is to slow down the pace! Spend more time getting feeling and emotion in but apart from that, I Loved it!!! Keep writing!!
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:02 PM View Post #7 (Link)
Marlene Luna (Offline)
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I want to read more chapters! I like how you leave it in suspense at the end. There are two things I want you to fix:

1. Describe the characters. I would like to know how the characters are. Describe each one or tell us how some characters met the main character.

2. Be more slow with describing how the place is. First they are in a house, but suddenly they are in the car. Then, out of nowhere, they are in the airplane. I don't mean to sound rude but you need to at least describe the place were the characters are. Describe the airport. How full it is. You can put a part were they are in the car and there you can describe the characters better.

I know this is your first story and that you are new here (By the way, Welcome!) , and I also know this is your first chapter. Just try to be more clear with your story. Keep writing, this sounds like a good story!
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:17 PM View Post #8 (Link) 16 years ago
harrypotterfreak (Offline)
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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I thought it was a great idea. Going straight from this to dialouge is rather confusing. Maybe expalin a bit more before starting the dialouge.

"Yes, thanks," Lexi smiled, hanging up the phone. I, along with Steph, Leah and Jake, eagerly awaited Lexi to tell all.

"We didn't manage to book it," she shrugged, walking away. I froze. I'd been anticipating this holiday for weeks, maybe even months. There was a large, neat holiday house in Florida, and that is where I want to be. Leah pulled Lexi back by the shoulder.

"You're kidding, right?" She asked.

"Of course I am," she grinned. We all screamed and hugged each other. I'd go swimming with dolphins first! No, visit some museums! Wait, I have to go a theme park!

"Er, David?" I looked up. Jake and I were the only ones left in the kitchen.

"Where have they gone?" I wondered.

"To pack, you idiot, and we should go do the same." Jake headed out of the kitchen and I trailed after him. Were we leaving so soon? I don't mind, 5 friends in Florida, what could be better?

"What am I supposed to pack?!" I shouted, staring at my empty suitcase. There was no reply. Helpful people. I threw in spare changes of clothes and underwear, sunglasses, my toothbrush, and a few books. That'll do. I closed my suitcase and went to find the others.

"You ready to go?" Steph asked, beaming. I nodded eagerly.

"I'll take your suitcase to the car," Leah said. I handed her my suitcase and she gasped.

"What?" I asked, alarmed. She shook her head at me, muttering to herself about how little I packed. I shrugged.

"We're going now?" I questioned, changing the subject.

"No, dufus, in a few months," Jake replied. I stared at him blankly. "Of course we're going now, what's wrong with you, David?"

Ugh. I'd forgotten how little I thought of aeroplanes. Clutching the seat in front of me, I doubled over, panting.

"Jeez, Dave, we haven't even taken off yet!" Steph remarked, looking at me weirdly.

"I have a slight fear of flying," I explained, closing my eyes tightly. A slight fear wouldn't exactly describe it, but I didn't want to seem over-dramatic. Steph soon found out though, along with the rest of the passengers, that I had a phobia as soon as the plane took off. I screamed and screamed until my voice got hoarse, then I just leaned back in my seat, shaking. I turned my head to whisper an apology to Steph, but she was gone. I mouthed to Jake, asking where she'd gone.

"You embarrassed her, mate," Jake answered, smiling. "Plus you gave her a headache." I sighed and closed my eyes. Maybe I could sleep the rest of the journey off. When I finally managed to nod off, I had nightmares. The plane was crashing down to the earth, and everybody was sleeping through it. I made my way to the pilot, but he was asleep. I took control of the plane, but I only managed to make it go into loop-the-loops. I felt dizzy. Everything was going blurry. I collapsed.

"Dave? David!" I woke up with a start, trembling. Lexi was shaking me by the shoulders.

"Y-yes?" I stammered.

"The plane's landing," she told me. I gasped, and gripped my armrests. I breathed quickly until my ears went funny.

"My ears!" I cried. Everybody looked at me and groaned. This time I was being serious, though!

"Just swallow," Jake said. I did, and my ears were fine. Phew.

We stood in front of the holiday house, admiring it.

"It's huge," whispered Leah.

"It's so beautiful and grand," commented Steph.

"It's so sunny in Florida," Lexi said with a happy sigh.

"There's a pool!" Jake grinned.

"I'm just glad to be off that plane," I said, dragging my suitcase towards the door. Lexi opened it with her keys, and we all stepped inside. With a simultaneous gasp, we paused to admire the huge interior. Of course, Jake had to ruin the moment.

"Hurry up, the sooner we unpack the sooner we can head to the pool!" So we all scattered towards our separate rooms.

I had a king-sized bed with a red velvet canopy. The cream carpet was soft, and the rich mahogany wardrobe with brass handles was just nice to look at. I flopped onto the bed, and felt myself sinking into a pool of feathers, warm and content.

Reluctantly, I stood up again to start unpacking.

There was a scream. A shrill scream, a plea for help. Steph's plea for help. I rushed out of my room, but all I heard was a door close. The other 3 were standing outside their doors, looking worried as well.

"Steph?" I called helplessly. There was no answer. We all rushed down the grand staircase and out of the front door. There was an ice-cream van opposite our holiday home, he would've seen something.

"Excuse me sir," Lexi said politely. She proceeded to describe what Steph looked like.

"Did you see a girl like that come out of that house?" Jake pointed back to the luxury house.

The ice-cream man gasped. An expression of horror crossed his features. Then he shook his head disbelievingly.

"Either you're tourists or a couple of pranksters," he said.

"We're tourists," Leah informed him. "Why?"

"Haven't you heard the story?" He whispered, leaning closer to us. "Sixteen years ago - Hello, madam, can I help you?" We turned, confused, towards where he was facing. A chirpy looking customer stood there, ordering chocolate ice-cream. With a slight flick of his head, the ice-cream man indicated for us to go away. We silently plodded back towards the house. Steph was only 20, she had her whole life ahead of her. What did happen sixteen years ago?

I really liked this story. You weave a very suspensful tale and I cannot wait to read more! Very few corrections! Good job!
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