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Old 06-02-2015, 04:36 PM View Post #1 (Link) A Love Like This
Tilly Tot (Offline)
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CHAPTER ONE

The sun was high in the sky and not a single cloud could be seen. It was early May, and I’d never known the weather to be so hot.
I was stood on a large stone balcony that overlooked a luxury pool. The water was so clear that you see your own reflection even from where I was stood, which was five stories high, ‘the riches’ I thought to myself as I turned and headed into my suite.
My father was a multi-millionaire, this was one of five hotels he owned, he had first started building them when his father had given him his whole fortune when he was only twenty three. From there my father had open many hotels worldwide. He had two here in France, two in Spain, one in Greece and about three in Canada. He and my mother had been married for twenty five years.
My older brother was an architect and was in America working on the new project my father had constructed.
Usually a woman my age would have their own place and also their own job yet that wasn’t the case for me. I’d always had money and a lot of it; sometimes it had been forced down my throat.
My brother had designed a room in every hotel the way I’d wanted it, but this time in this hotel that wasn’t the case.
I did have my own job and enjoyed it very much but my parents had always said that I didn’t have to work. But I always got pleasure out of earning my own wage. My pay wasn’t exactly the best.
I worked as a Masseur in a shop not far from the hotel, and because it was so near the hotel it always got a lot of business, I walked there nearly every day.
People would always say I had the easy life, but it wasn’t. I’d of just been as happy as I am now If I’d been born into a poor family and still working. Sometimes I hated being rich, because of all the formal things we had to do and the media were always nearby.
I picked up a thin cardigan, to protect my shoulders from being burnt by the sun, before leaving the room. I made my way to the lift, where a couple were also waiting for.
When they saw me they nodded politely, everyone knew who I was, I smiled back before taking the stairs instead.
When I finally arrived at the bottom floor, I went to reception to where Sammi was sat typing away at the computer.
“Good afternoon, Jess,” she smiled, looking up at me.
“Hi, can you tell me where my mum is?” I asked, tucking my fringe behind my ear.
“She should be in the cafeteria,” she answered smiling.
“Thanks,” I replied.
I made my way to the cafeteria where all kinds of people were sat or stood laughing and chatting happily. Many famous people were here, actors, tennis players, models and also singers. Yet we also had many people here who were just here to relax and enjoy their holidays.
I found my mum talking to the manger, Neil, who had started working here five years ago. I could tell that they were deep in a conversation. So I decided to wander around the garden, where people were sunbathing or just having a good time. I sat down on the perfectly cut grass and sighed.
There was a party that was being held next week in the hotels entertainment room for a billionaire, Lex Mason who was arriving in the next couple of days. He was being given the best suites for his family, which were his wife, two sons and his daughter. My father wanted me to become friends with his daughter but I didn’t know anything about her except that she had more money than me.
I’d met a lot of rich women my age who were complete snobs but I’d met other women who were caring an also didn’t care much for money, like me. I didn’t have a lot of friends at all, and the women who I worked with only talked to me because I had money.
I plucked a blade of grass from the floor as my older sister, Megan, sat down beside me.
“Bored?” she asked cheerfully,
“A little,” I replied tossing the blade of grass away and sighing heavily,
“Want to hear some gossip?” she asked,
“Depends on its subject,” I answered, turning I was facing her.
“Well it’s about our guests that are arriving soon?”
“Okay,”
“Well apparently his daughter is the same age as you, and has a lot in common with you,” she said, brushing her dark hair off her shoulder.
As she that I realised how much she resembled my dad. Blue eyes which were always had a twinkle in them, a straight yet serious nose, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows and a welcoming smile. Her slim figure was hidden under a baggy t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts.
I on the other hand had auburn coloured hair which ended just below my shoulder blades it also had a slight curl on the ends; blue eyes which I thought were dull and boring. I also had high cheekbones but mine looked softer, my nose was small and my chin was slightly pointed. I also had a slim figure but Megan’s was more attractive.
“If she is the same age as me, then who is the party for? I was under the impression that it was for her birthday,” I replied.
“Well it’s actually for his wife’s birthday,” she said, “and also he has lengthened their stay for an extra week,”
“Are we still visiting their home?” I asked.
Lex had invited us to stay at his mansion in the countryside of France for a week in thanks for his holiday at the Hotel.
“Yes I hope so,” Megan laughed.
“Okay,” I said, standing up, “I’m going to go and find mum,”
“She in the Spa room,” she said.
“Thanks,” I said heading towards the glass doors.
I took one last look at my sister, who was staring out at the pool, before opening the door and disappearing inside.
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Old 06-02-2015, 11:03 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Dabs (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Tilly Tot View Post
CHAPTER ONE

The sun was high in the sky and not a single cloud could be seen. It was early May, and I’d never known the weather to be so hot. A lot of people say to never open with the weather. I'll explain why in a sec. I don't mind this opening at all. It's written clearly and concisely, and while it doesn't say much, it flows smoothly enough that I felt myself being drawn down the page. Now, I do think you should change this, however. Editors, agents, and readers will often put a book down right away if the opening sentence is about the weather. They want something that will bring them into the story, whether it's a hook, or just a simple action. They don't care about setting description yet. They want something meatier.
I was stood this is a weird way to word it. Is your character a statue? This makes it sound like someone else stood him or her on the balcony, when I think you mean to say that he or she was standing. on a large stone balcony that overlooked a luxury pool. The water was so clear that you see your own reflection even from where I was stood, which was five stories high, ‘the riches’ I thought to myself as I turned and headed into my suite.

So, grammatically, this paragraph is rather confusing. I've already mentioned the problem with using "was stood", but beyond that, you have a confusing use of nouns in the second sentence. "The water was so claer you could see your own reflection even from where I stood." You need to keep the subject of your sentence consistent. This sentence is also a run-on. After the phrase "five stories high" there should be a period. Lastly, what does "the riches" mean? What is your character referring to? The pool? His or her surroundings? Himself or herself? It sounds pretty weird, too. Like, I wouldn't believe that someone would just say or think "the riches" and then turn around and leave.

My father was a multi-millionaire, this was one of five hotels he owned, he had first started building them when his father had given him his whole fortune when he was only twenty three this is also a run-on sentence. You have three sentences jammed into one. It should read, "My father was a multi-millionaire. This was one of five hotels he owned. He had first started building them when his father had given him his whole fortune when he was only twenty-three." Also that last clause there is too wordy. It reads very clunkily.. From there my father had open many hotels worldwide. He had two here in France, two in Spain, one in Greece and about three in Canada. He and my mother had been married for twenty five years. I'm not seeing how the father's marriage to the mother is relevant when you were just talking about hotels.
My older brother was an architect and was in America working on the new project my father had constructed.
Usually a woman my age would have their her, not "their" own place and also their own job, yet that wasn’t the case for me. I’d always had money and a lot of it; sometimes it had been forced down my throat. this is a rather telling detail. I like it.
My brother had designed a room in every hotel the way I’d wanted it, but this time in this hotel that wasn’t the case.
I did have my own job and enjoyed it very much but my parents had always said that I didn’t have to work. But I always got pleasure out of earning my own wage. My pay wasn’t exactly the best.
I worked as a Masseur in a shop not far from the hotel, and because it was so near the hotel it always got a lot of business, I walked there nearly every day another run-on. I'm not going to correct all of these, so please take the time to learn how dependent and independent clauses work. It'll benefit your writing a lot and save your critiquers some frustration..
People would always say I had the easy life, but it wasn’t. I’d of have just been as happy as I am now If I’d been born into a poor family and still working another very telling detail. Your character seems rather naive, but I appreciate the fact that she's chosen to work when she didn't have to.. Sometimes I hated being rich, because of all the formal things we had to do, and the media were always nearby.

Okay, so at this point I can tell you're pretty young. You make some grammar mistakes that an older writer wouldn't make, and that's okay. You're learning. We all are.

I picked up a thin cardigan, to protect my shoulders from being burnt by the sun, before leaving the room. I made my way to the lift, where a couple were also waiting for waiting for what?.
When they saw me they nodded politely, everyone knew who I was, I smiled back before taking the stairs instead. run-on
When I finally arrived at the bottom floor, I went to reception to where Sammi was sat typing away at the computer.
“Good afternoon, Jess,” she smiled, looking up at me. You have an issue with the dialog tag, here. "Good afternoon, Jess" she smiled. You can't smile dialog. You say dialog. So, it should read: "Good afternoon, Jess," she said, smiling and looking up at me.
“Hi, can you tell me where my mum is?” I asked, tucking my fringe behind my ear.
“She should be in the cafeteria,” she answered, smiling.
“Thanks,” I replied.
I made my way to the cafeteria where all kinds of people were sat or stood laughing and chatting happily. Many famous people were here, actors, tennis players, models and also singers. Yet we also had many people here who were just here to relax and enjoy their holidays.
I found my mum talking to the manger I think you mean manager, since a manger is a feeding trough., Neil, who had started working here five years ago. I could tell that they were deep in a conversation. So I decided to wander around the garden, where people were sunbathing or just having a good time. I sat down on the perfectly cut grass and sighed I usually take sighing to be a sign of sadness or tiredness, but I'm not seeing signs that she's either of these things..
There was a party that was being held next week in the hotel's entertainment room for a billionaire, Lex Mason, who was arriving in the next couple of days. He was being given the best suites for his family, which were his wife, two sons and his daughter. My father wanted me to become friends with his daughter, but I didn’t know anything about her except that she had more money than me.
I’d met a lot of rich women my age who were complete snobs, but I’d met other women who were caring an also didn’t care much for money, like me. I didn’t have a lot of friends at all, and the women who I worked with only talked to me because I had money.

Okay, so at this point I'm really wanting something to happen. You've dumped a lot of info on us, but the story hasn't progressed in any way. We've had your character thinking a lot while she's walked around a bit. Try to space out how you give us information. We don't need to know everything at once. That said, you're pretty good at writing exposition. It reads easily and flows well, so for a while it wasn't too distracting, but it's about time that we got into the story.

I plucked a blade of grass from the floor as my older sister, Megan, sat down beside me.
“Bored?” she asked cheerfully, this should be a period.
“A little,” I replied, tossing the blade of grass away and sighing heavily, this should be a period
“Want to hear some gossip?” she asked, why did you stop using periods?
“Depends on its subject,” I answered, turning I was facing her.
“Well it’s about our guests that are arriving soon?”
“Okay,”
“Well apparently his daughter is the same age as you, and has a lot in common with you,” she said, brushing her dark hair off her shoulder. Try focusing on more interesting details than hair. What does her nose look like, her eyebrows? Focus on the traits that are more individual and unique, and that'll help you paint a more vivid and unique image of this character. Right now, in my head, both your main character and Megan look rather generic.
As she said that I realised how much she resembled my dad. Blue eyes which were always had a twinkle in them, a straight yet serious nose, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows and a welcoming smile. Her slim figure was hidden under a baggy t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts. This doesn't seem to be related to what you were just talking about. Use description when it's needed. This should have been placed before she started talking, not after.
I, on the other hand, had auburn coloured hair which ended just below my shoulder blades it also had a slight curl on the ends; blue eyes which I thought were dull and boring. I also had high cheekbones but mine looked softer, my nose was small and my chin was slightly pointed. I also had a slim figure but Megan’s was more attractive. This character sounds very pretty, but she doesn't seem to have much self-esteem. Why? And again, this didn't need to be here. We're talking about gossip, right? Stay on track.
“If she is the same age as me, then who is the party for? I was under the impression that it was for her birthday,” I replied.
“Well it’s actually for his wife’s birthday,” she said, “and also he has lengthened their stay for an extra week,” use periods when ending a sentence.
“Are we still visiting their home?” I asked.
Lex had invited us to stay at his mansion in the countryside of France for a week in thanks for his holiday at the Hotel.
“Yes I hope so,” Megan laughed. you can't laugh dialog just like you can't smile it. Stick to using said, for now.
“Okay,” I said, standing up, “I’m going to go and find mum,”
“She in the Spa room,” she said.
“Thanks,” I said heading towards the glass doors.
I took one last look at my sister, who was staring out at the pool, before opening the door and disappearing inside.
Okay, let's start with strengths. Aside from grammatical issues, you have decent prose. It flows well, doesn't distract me, and it makes me interested in this woman's life. That's good. You've characterized her pretty well, too. She strikes me as a believable rich girl with some uniqueness thrown in. I like that she works, but I also like that she's not aware of how good she has it. It's an interesting conflict of personality.

Now, for what didn't work. Your grammar needs a lot of work. If you're young, that's fine. Just remember to pay attention in school and I'm sure they'll cover this. You also need to start the story. Right now, it's like you have a big hunk of we're-about-to-start-the-story. That's not always a bad thing, but you need to trim it down and get to the good stuff. Give us a conflict, give us characters to love and care about. Don't let your characters wander about all bored and such. They should always want something, always be trying to get what they want, even if it's just a glass of water (though your main character should probably have something a bit more dramatic than that). You have that--somewhat. The fact that your main character has a job and wants to work is something, but we need to see her partaking in that. That would be a great way to establish who she is and what she's about if you're not yet ready to delve into the plot just yet.

Aside from that, you may want to spend less time telling us about what the other characters do and more time showing us their personality and showing them doing what they're supposed to be. You may not be able to fit all that into the beginning, but that's okay. We don't need to know much about the main character's father and brother at the beginning. Let us see them doing their thing later on. It will have a more lasting impression on us. The sister, too, needs a stronger personality. Though, I do like that she keeps up with gossip. That's a great starting point, but let's see some hints at something else--even if it's just showing the two sisters being loving towards one another. Even just a sentence of that goes a long way.
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Old 06-03-2015, 06:29 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Tilly Tot (Offline)
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Thanks for that Dabs.
I see what you mean about the start of the chapter. I'll be posting the updated version soon.
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Old 06-06-2015, 10:35 AM View Post #4 (Link) This post contains more of my work
Tilly Tot (Offline)
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This is the updated version so please critique away

CHAPTER ONE
The luxuries of the world were something most people wanted. An easy life and plenty of money to spend.
That is what I was thinking as I leaned against the stone balcony, which over looked a large crystal clear pool. The water was so clear that you could see your own reflection even from where I was stood.
I moved away from the balcony and went into my room. It was a very large room, too big for only just one person, with very little furniture but had a lot of expensive decor.
My father was a multi-millionaire, this was one nine hotels he owned.
I understood that people who had rich parents often thought their children would be spoilt and not very well mannered. But I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t one who loved the money that my parents had, in fact I sometimes wished we were a normal family living in a normal house and working to earn our own wage.
Usually a woman my age would have her own place and also their own job, yet that wasn’t the case for me. I’d always had money and a lot of it; sometimes it had been forced down my throat.
I did have my own job and enjoyed it very much but my parents had always said that I didn’t have to work. But I always got pleasure out of earning my own wage. My pay wasn’t exactly the best.
I worked as a Masseur in a shop not far from the hotel, and because it was so near the hotel it always got a lot of business.
People would always say I had the easy life, but it wasn’t. I’d have been just as happy as I am now if I’d been born into a poor family and still working. Sometimes I hated being rich, because of all the formal things we had to do and the media were always nearby.
I picked up a cardigan, to protect my shoulders from being burnt by the sun, before leaving the room. I made my way to the lift, where a couple were also waiting for it. When I realised it was still on the ground floor, I decided to take the stairs instead.
As I turned to take the stairs the woman turned, saw me, and smiled politely. Everyone knew who I was. I smiled back and open the door to the stairs.
When I finally arrived at the bottom floor, I went to reception to where Sammi sat typing away at the computer.
“Good afternoon, Jess,” she said, smiling and looking up at me.
“Hi, can you tell me where my mum is?” I asked, tucking my fringe behind my ear.
“She should be in the cafeteria,” she answered, smiling.
“Thanks,” I replied.
I made my way to the cafeteria where all kinds of people sat or stood laughing and chatting happily. Many famous people were here, actors, tennis players, models and also singers. Yet we also had many people here who were just here to relax and enjoy their holidays.
I found my mum talking to the manager, Neil, who had started working here five years ago. I could tell that they were deep in a conversation. So I decided to wander around the garden, where people were sunbathing or just having a good time. I sat down on the perfectly cut grass.
There was a party that was being held next week in the hotel’s entertainment room for a billionaire, Lex Mason, who was arriving in the next couple of days. He was being given the best suites for his family, which were his wife, two sons and his daughter. My father wanted me to become friends with his daughter, but I didn’t know anything about her except that she had more money than me.
I’d met a lot of rich women my age who were complete snobs but I’d met other women who were caring an also didn’t care much for money, like me. I didn’t have a lot of friends at all, and the women who I worked with only talked to me because I had money.
I plucked a blade of grass from the floor as my older sister, Megan, stood next to me.
As she sat down I realised how much she resembled my dad. Blue eyes which were always had a twinkle in them, a straight yet serious nose, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows and a welcoming smile. Her slim figure was hidden under a baggy t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts.
I, on the other hand, had auburn coloured hair which ended just below my shoulder blades it also had a slight curl on the ends; blue eyes which I thought were dull and boring. I also had high cheekbones but mine looked softer, my nose was small and my chin was slightly pointed. I also had a slim figure but Megan’s was more attractive.
“Bored?” she asked cheerfully, she sat down and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“A little,” I replied, tossing the blade of grass away and sighing heavily.
“Want to hear some gossip?” she asked.
“Depends on its subject,” I answered, turning I was facing her.
“Well it’s about our guests that are arriving soon?”
“Okay,”
“Well apparently his daughter is the same age as you, and has a lot in common with you,” she said, brushing her dark hair off her shoulder.
“If she is the same age as me, then who is the party for? I was under the impression that it was for her birthday,” I replied.
“Well it’s actually for his wife’s birthday,” she said, “and also he has lengthened their stay for an extra week.”
“Are we still visiting their home?” I asked.
Lex had invited us to stay at his mansion in the countryside of France for a week in thanks for his holiday at the Hotel.
“Yes I hope so,” Megan said, before laughing, showing her brilliant white teeth.
“Okay,” I said, standing up, “I’m going to go and find mum,”
“She's in the Spa room,” she said.
“Thanks,” I said heading towards the glass doors.
I took one last look at my sister, who was staring out at the pool, before opening the door and disappearing inside.
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						Last edited by Tilly Tot; 06-06-2015 at 11:28 AM.
					
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Old 06-08-2015, 04:36 PM View Post #5 (Link)
lilyandherviolin (Offline)
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My thoughts are in red
Things I think could be removed or altered are in bold

CHAPTER ONE
The luxuries of the world were something most people wanted. An easy life and plenty of money to spend. Technically every sentence needs a verb. Perhaps "They all dreamed of an easy life and plenty of money to spend."
That is what I was thinking as I leaned against the stone balcony, which I would personally omit that last comma and change 'which' to 'that' for the flow of the sentence. over looked a large crystal clear pool. The water was so clear that you I could see your my own reflection even from where I was stood. Get rid of that last was. It's "I stood" not "I was stood". If you really like having the 'was' there, you could make it "I was standing".
I moved away from the balcony and went into my room. It was a very large room, too big for only just 'only' and 'just' are synonyms. Pick one of them, but don't use both. one person, with very little furniture but had and a lot of expensive decor.
My father was a multi-millionaire, this was one nine hotels he owned.
I understood that people who had rich parents often thought their children would be spoiled and not very well mannered. But I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t one who loved the money that my parents had, in fact I sometimes wished we were a normal family living in a normal house and working to earn our own wage. I like this character development.
Usually a woman my age would have her own place and also their her own job, yet that wasn’t the case for me. I’d always had money and a lot of it; sometimes it had been forced down my throat.
I did have my own job and enjoyed it very much, but my parents had always said that I didn’t have to work. But you just used 'but' in the last sentence, so I would omit it here. It will help with the flow and also with the grammar, since you're not supposed to start a sentence with 'but'. I always got pleasure out of earning my own wage, even though my pay wasn’t exactly the best. Unless Jess works at a low rate chain massage place, she's most likely making a good deal of money. Massages are expensive.
I worked as a Masseur in a shop not far from the hotel, and because it was so near the hotel it always got a lot of business. You stated the distance between the hotel and the shop twice in the last sentence - perhaps you could use some of that space differently, like this: "I worked as a Masseur in a shop not far from the hotel, and because of its location it always got a lot of business." or "I worked as a Masseur a in a shop not far from the hotel, and because there were so many vacationers nearby, it always got a lot of business." I'm not going to tell you how to write your story, these are just a couple of alternatives that sprang easily to mind. Also, 'Masseur' is technically a man who gives massages. Did she go through full massage school?
People would always say I had the easy life, but it wasn’t. I’d have been just as happy as I am now if I’d been born into a poor family and still working. Sometimes I hated being rich, because of all the formal things we had to do and that the media were always nearby.
I picked up a cardigan, to protect my shoulders from being burnt by the sun, before leaving the room. I made my way to the lift, where a couple were also waiting for it. When I realised it was still on the ground floor, I decided to take the stairs instead.
As I turned to take the stairs the woman turned, saw me, and smiled politely. Everyone knew who I was. I smiled back can there be more emotion here? Is it a strained smile or a wide smile Jess gives that woman? and open the door to the stairs.
When I finally arrived at the bottom floor, Five flights of stairs? Isn't she hot and sweaty by the end? Aren't her legs burning at the bottom? I went to the reception desk to where Sammi sat typing away at the computer.
“Good afternoon, Jess,” she said, smiling and looking up at me.
“Hi, can you tell me where my mum is?” I asked, tucking my fringe of hair, I'd assume, but you might want to clarify behind my ear.
“She should be in the cafeteria,” she answered, smiling.
“Thanks,” I replied.
I made my way to the cafeteria where all kinds of people sat or stood laughing and chatting happily. Many famous people were here, actors, tennis players, models and also singers. Yet I would remove this 'yet' because it highlights all the people who aren't actors, tennis players, models and singers. we also had many people here who were just here to relax and enjoy their holidays.
I found my mum talking to the manager, Neil, who had started working here five years ago. I could tell that they were deep in a conversation. So I decided to wander around the garden, where people were sunbathing or just having a good time. I sat down on the perfectly cut grass.
There was a party that was being held next week in the hotel’s entertainment room for a billionaire, Lex Mason, who was arriving in the next couple of days. He was being given the best suites for his family, which were was his wife, two sons, and his daughter. My father wanted me to become friends with his daughter, but I didn’t know anything about her except that she had more money than me.
I’d met a lot of rich women my age who were complete snobs but I’d met other women who were caring an also didn’t care try to avoid repetition of the word 'care' in the same sentence. much for money, like me. I didn’t have a lot of friends at all, and the women who I worked with only talked to me because I had money.
I plucked a blade of grass from the floor ground as my older sister, Megan, stood next to me. As far as I know, grass doesn't grow on floors....
As she sat down I realised how much she resembled my dad. Blue eyes which were again, unnecessary. always had a twinkle in them, a straight yet serious nose, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows and a welcoming smile. Her slim figure was hidden under a baggy t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts.
I, on the other hand, had auburn coloured hair which ended just below my shoulder blades it also had a slight curl on the ends this sentence felt a little cumbersome. Maybe you could condense it, linking multiple characteristics.; blue eyes which I thought were dull and boring. I also had high cheekbones but mine looked softer, my nose was small and my chin was slightly pointed. I also had a slim figure but Megan’s was more attractive.
“Bored?” she asked cheerfully, she sat down and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“A little,” I replied, tossing the blade of grass away and sighing heavily.
“Want to hear some gossip?” she asked.
“Depends on its subject,” I answered, turning I was facing her.
“Well, it’s about our guests that are arriving soon?This isn't a question, so there's no need for a question mark.
“Okay,”
“Well apparently his daughter is the same age as you, and has a lot in common with you,” she said, brushing her dark hair off her shoulder.
“If she is the same age as me, then who is the party for? I was under the impression that thought it was for her birthday,” I replied. I changed this line because it sounded too formal for gossiping.
“Well it’s actually for his wife’s birthday,” she said, “and also he has lengthened their stay for an extra week.”
“Are we still visiting their home?” I asked.
Lex had invited us to stay at his mansion in the countryside of France for a week in thanks for his holiday at the Hotel.
“Yes, I hope so,” Megan said, before laughing, showing her brilliant white teeth.
“Okay,” I said, standing up, “I’m going to go and find mum,”
“She's in the Spa room,” she said. Wait, didn't she just see her in the cafeteria?
“Thanks,” I said heading towards the glass doors.
I took one last look at my sister, who was staring out at the pool, before opening the door and disappearing inside.

So all in all, it's pretty good, but it's still a work in progress. It's easy to read, which is good. I corrected a few grammar things. My biggest comment is feel what you're writing. I'd like to see more descriptions, but not just visual descriptions. What does she feel, in the moment? You could also use some more emotions, especially since this is a romance novel. Speaking of which - I haven't caught the slightest hint of romance. With a title like "A Love Like This", I'd expect the first chapter to have at least a little romantic flair. Also, It still sounds like you're writing it. It should sound like Jess is living it. That will come with time and exploration, but it's just something to think about. I hope my critique helped, and feel free to PM me if it's at all confusing.
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						Last edited by lilyandherviolin; 06-08-2015 at 10:34 PM.
					
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Old 01-26-2016, 02:20 PM View Post #6 (Link)
spiringwriter (Offline)
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Personally, I don't like starting my stories with the nature descriptions but somehow fell in love with yours. Way to go!
  
						Last edited by spiringwriter; 01-27-2016 at 10:02 AM.
					
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Old 01-27-2016, 05:07 PM View Post #7 (Link)
Ahmad (Offline)
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A well.written story but way too long to remain interseting to the reader
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