Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply  Find Chapters
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-12-2011, 11:56 AM View Post #1 (Link) A very short start that will hopefully blossom.
SilverFox (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
SilverFox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Suffolk, UK
Posts: 13
Points: 3.09
Times Thanked: 0
This is an incredibly short passage from the beginning, I'd just like to get some feedback and see where i'd like to go with it based on that. Please tell me what you think, constructive criticism is always welcome.

Spoiler:
Blood and tears pool together in the crease where my stomach meets my thigh, spilling over and soaking into the dark fabric of the recliner sofa. With a fluid motion my fingers stretch the skin of my thighs. Hesitation. The knife in my hand faltered and hangs in the air for a moment.

It hurts.

A dull thud sounds as my hand lays the knife carefully beside a green glass bottle. Martini was tonights choice of beverage. Fingers trace the outline of the bottle, caressing the nape of its neck tenderly before taking a firm grasp and pulling it closer. A dart of the tongue tastes the lingering sweetness on the rim. The bottle tilts and its liquid content willingly empties into my mouth and down my eager throat.

  
						Last edited by SilverFox; 03-12-2011 at 11:58 AM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2011, 01:50 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Stuart McKee (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Stuart McKee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Somewhere on Earth
Posts: 11
Points: 15
Times Thanked: 1
Hello
Just want to start off saying that I'm not particularly into these kind of stories, but I won't let bias get in the way of the critique.


Blood and tears pool together in the crease where my stomach meets my thigh, spilling over and soaking into the dark fabric of the recliner sofa. With a fluid motion my fingers stretch the skin of my thighs. Hesitation It would have been better to say "I hesitated", since a sentance needs to have a subject (I) and a verb (Hesitated). However this can be forgiven since the subject is already known. The knife in my hand faltered "Falters" and hangs in the air for a moment.

It hurts.

A dull thud sounds as my hand lays the knife carefully beside a green, glass bottle. If you're laying the knife down carefully it shouldn't make much of a noise. Martini was tonight's choice of beverage. Fingers trace the outline of the bottle, caressing the nape of its neck tenderly before taking a firm grasp and pulling it closer. A dart of the tongue tastes the lingering sweetness on the rim. The bottle tilts and its liquid content willingly empties into my mouth and down my eager throat.

Overall you did great, just a couple of grammatical errors here and there, nothing too big.
__________________
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," says Man, "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

-The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2011, 05:33 PM View Post #3 (Link)
lostbookworm (Offline)
Freelance Writer
 
lostbookworm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Among the Fires of Hell
Posts: 1,023
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 96
Okay, here you go! I'll not be biased or too cruel. However, any mistakes you make, I WILL point out. Also, I've decided to put in what I think sounds better in the passage.

Originally Posted by SilverFox View Post
Spoiler:
Blood and tears pool together in the crease where my stomach meets my thigh, before spilling over and soaking into the dark fabric of the recliner sofa. With one fluid motion my fingers stretch the skin of my thighs. Hesitation. The knife in my hand faltered and hangs on the tips of my fingers for a moment.

It hurts. I like this. Short. Simple. However, it may make more of an effect at the start of the passage.

A dull thud sounds as my hand lays the knife carefully beside a green glass bottle Would a thud sound if it was lain carefully?. Martini was my choice of beverage tonight. Fingers trace the outline of the bottle, caressing the nape of its neck tenderly before taking a firm grasp and pulling it closer. A dart of the tongue tastes the lingering sweetness on the rim. The bottle tilts and its liquid content willingly empties into my mouth and down my eager throat.

Okay, well I don't particulary like this type of writing. I do, however, like this FORM of writing. I'm not gripped. It's not intresting. There seems to be no hook. I'd work on that. It's short this critique, but it's proportional to the size of the passage. I promise to critique more.
__________________
and he saw himself nailed to the cross of his own cradle and coffin
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2011, 11:49 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Jack (Offline)
Freelance Writer
 
Jack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Bristol, England
Posts: 1,284
Points: 5.47
Times Thanked: 114
Originally Posted by SilverFox View Post
This is an incredibly short passage from the beginning, I'd just like to get some feedback and see where i'd like to go with it based on that. Please tell me what you think, constructive criticism is always welcome.
This is just what I need right now; something short and sweet to critic. I'll give you as much feedback as I can, considering this is a really short piece. A few questions before I begin, though. Is this flash-fiction or an extract from some thing bigger? If it is just an extract, will you be adding to it in the near future?

Blood and tears pool together in the crease where my stomach meets my thigh, This is very wordy for an opening sentence. "The crease where my stomach meets my thigh" is particularly phatic, it sounds like you're trying to explain what is happening to a friend rather than convey it emotionally through text. Read it back and you'll see what I mean. I would suggest either finding out what that part of the body is called (I don't even know if it has a name, but meh) or choosing a slightly more simple way to describe the blood and tears pooling. On the floor beneath her, maybe? Or just on her stomach? It's a shame, because the image of the blood and tears mixing is great, but I feel the second half of the sentence detracts from that image slightly. So yeah, touch it up a little, but be sure to work the first image in to whatever you end up with, 'cause I like it.spilling over and soaking into the dark fabric of the recliner sofa. With a fluid motion my fingers stretch the skin of my thighs. Hesitation. I like this short sentence, it has an impact...actually, I'd say the impact of this is more than that of the impact of the short sentence below...I'll get to that in a second.The knife in my hand faltered falters and hangs in the air for a moment.Again, nice image, but the phrasing could do with some work. This sentence makes it sound like the knife is being moved by some outside force. Perhaps that is what you're going for, I don't know. If it is, then ignore me on this point, if it's not, you may want to consider adding a sentence or two before this explaining exactly where the knife is.
Overall, a nice opening. Some of the imagery is great, but you need to be careful with your wording, like I stated above. Re-work some sentences in there and this will be a killer first few lines. Ummm...yeah, nothing else to say a part from what I mentioned above.

It hurts.
This is my biggest problem with this piece. It doesn't have the impact a short sentence--especially one detached from the paragraphs--needs. It's terribly dull. "It hurts"? This is something that can be deduced from the passage above. The problem is it's simplicity; it is much too laid back. Her blood and tears are pooling in a vague place on her body for Christ's sake, show us a little more emotion than "it hurts". I understand that maybe the simplicity is what you were going for, but this just isn't working for me. In fact, instead of generating an impact it actually dulls the impact of the passage above.

I would recommend one of two things: 1) Cut this out completely and just have this as two paragraphs. Arguably, something this short does need a pretty big point of impact to make it interesting, but I think you could make it work, OR 2) If you're really set on keeping this, re-structure so that the detached one-liner is "Hesitation" and then have the second paragraph begin with the sentence after that. "Hesitation" is much more evocative then "It hurts" and I think it'll work better, given what you are trying to achieve..


A dull thud sounds as my hand lays the knife carefully beside a green glass bottle. Personally, I'd say the words "thud" and "carefully" contrast in a negative way. The mood of the sentence shifts suddenly and dramatically with the word "carefully." Also, if the knife thuds, how careful could she have been? Martini was tonights choice of beverage. I like this. The formal tone is a great contrast with what is going on. Keep this. Whatever you chose to do with this piece of writing, keep this. Fingers trace the outline of the bottle, caressing the nape of its neck tenderly before taking a firm grasp and pulling it closer. A dart of the tongue tastes the lingering sweetness on the rim. Again, I like the description of the bottle and the alcohol, it's almost personifying it in a way. The bottle tilts and its liquid content willingly empties into my mouth and down my eager throat.
At first glance, I didn't think I'd like the end description. I thought that the words "willingly" and "caressing" were weird ways to describe the alcohol, but now I see that it's highlighting her dependence on the alcohol, in such a way that she is giving it human tendencies.

There's some great stuff here. I think it needs some re-phrasing here and there, and a major re-structure somewhere in the middle with your two short sentences, but other than that, good stuff. Feel free to shoot me a VM or a PM if you have any questions about anything I have said, if you just want to chat, or if you need to vent out your rage at me about all the bold above.
__________________
music
poetry
  
						Last edited by Jack; 03-24-2011 at 11:51 PM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2011, 11:27 AM View Post #5 (Link) Over all, very good.
Trottie (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Trottie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 23
Points: 27.79
Times Thanked: 2
Like a few others who critiqued, I am not really one for these stories, but again, like the others, I will still critique.

"Blood and tears pool together in the crease where my stomach meets my thigh I find this not very much of a hook; the wording is awkward, try something a bit different, maybe tell us why this is happening. spilling over and soaking into the dark fabric of the recliner sofa. With a fluid motion my fingers stretch the skin of my thighs. Hesitation. I think this one word is so strong, it actually tells us how the character is thinking, feeling. More emotional than just "I hesitated" I think.

The knife in my hand faltered falters and hangs in the air for a moment. This scene is pretty emotional, I like it.

It hurts. No. Too..well, same as the other person said, dull. It just doesn't make it seem like she really feels that way. Maybe play around with that, have the character say it, something like that.

A dull thud sounds as my hand lays the knife carefully beside a green bottle. If she was careful, it would have made no sound. Try replacing 'carefully' with something like unstably, or just get rid of 'A dull thud sounds as'.
Martini was tonights choice of beverage. Fingers trace the outline of the bottle, caressing the nape of its neck tenderly before taking a firm grasp and pulling it closer. A dart of the tongue tastes the lingering sweetness on the rim. Very good scene, I think.The bottle tilts and its liquid content willingly empties into my mouth and down my eager throat.
I enjoyed this piece a lot, rephrase some stuff, and work on the short sentences, and it has great potential.
  Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2011, 05:55 PM View Post #6 (Link)
KashtienJames (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
KashtienJames's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Points: 32
Times Thanked: 1
Originally Posted by SilverFox View Post
This is an incredibly short passage from the beginning, I'd just like to get some feedback and see where i'd like to go with it based on that. Please tell me what you think, constructive criticism is always welcome.

I'd like to begin with saying that this is a very, very short beginning, and could (obviously) go anywhere. The main character has barely been developed, so I will be editing strictly on grammar/structure/spelling and such.

Spoiler:
Blood and tears pool together in the crease where my stomach meets my thigh, spilling over and soaking into the dark fabric of the recliner sofa.I like this opening line, but I don't feel that it needs the word "recliner" in it. Is the fact that it's a reclining sofa relevant? I just find that it's a little bit too wordy with the unneeded few syllables. With a fluid motion my fingers stretch the skin of my thighs. fluent? Hesitation. The knife in my hand faltered and hangs in the air for a moment.Falters. You change tense in that line.

It hurts.

A dull thud sounds as my hand lays the knife carefully beside a green glass bottle. Martini was tonights choice of beverage. tonight'sFingers trace the outline of the bottle, caressing the nape of its neck tenderly before taking a firm grasp and pulling it closer. A dart of the tongue tastes the lingering sweetness on the rim.A dart of my tongue... would sound better, in my opinion. The bottle tilts and its liquid content willingly empties into my mouth and down my eager throat.


Okay, this was well written and intriguing. With a little bit of editing, I think that it could turn out to be a wonderful beginning. The theme is a little bit popular, but has a wide fanbase. Make sure to be careful with your tense and wordiness, and thanks for sharing!
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:53 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.