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Old 08-24-2015, 04:20 PM View Post #1 (Link) As The Underground Burns
TheMagikarp (Offline)
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She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally decided to walk through the door. An ominous gust chilled her cheeks as the door cracked open. The light outside was breathtaking; she had never seen anything like it. Nor was she ever supposed to lay her eyes upon what used to be New York City. Building that touched the skies now lied with their bellies on the ground, overgrown with grasses and vines. She had no idea she was in a city, she probably never would. She only had one thought going threw her mind at the time, “Wow”. Where fountains used to sing, now lakes covered their nude portrayals. It was as if Mother Nature herself had come to cover the broken city, to let it sleep if not for a little while. Little Jessica had never left her home before today, she had never even thought of it. Until of course the alarm had gone off…
Thinking back it was all a blur, suddenly she had been told to go to the safety area. The room of white as it was told. The books were unnamed and white covered as well, it was as if someone had taken a secure room and tripped with a paint bucket. For everything was covered in that mysteriously unforgiving color. She had picked up a book; the inside had said “The Origin of Mankind”. It had peeked her interest for what was mankind? As she read on she realized that mankind was the cause of this horrid destruction, for which put her underground. The human race had evolved to better suit dark underground places. The air and ground above was soaked in radiation from the bombs that rained down more commonly than water.
She hadn’t gone to the white room out of curiosity, no it had been for protection from the other clans. There was a protocol, that in the worst situation when all else might be lost do you open that door. Her mother had yelled to run outside and never look back, she had listened without knowing what or whom she was leaving behind.
Jessica took one step forward overcoming that vague memory and breathing in the pure air of the outside world. As she took another step she heard someone running after her, another clan’s man! She ran forward clumsily and tripped. The man was barely out the door when she heard the first explosion. Suddenly her former home was engulfed in flames, Jessica screamed out for her mother and father. There was no answer. She heard another explosion, and then another each getting closer and closer. The man faltered and then he was gone. A ‘thunk’ resounded to Jessica’s she looked and instantly regretted it. It was the man’s burned carcass now lifelessly in two pieces. Jessica screamed in terror, crying to herself she crawled away. ”Was this the end” she thought. Jessica looked around for anyone else still horrified at this new world she was in.
As Jessica curled into a ball and sobbed to herself, she felt a pain in her leg. It was as if the world was telling her it wasn’t ready for humans yet. The pain blossomed up through her thigh, turning her veins black. The inky blackness slowly came up inching ever farther up her body. Gradually she lost the ability to move her body parts, leg, stomach, arm, hand, and neck. It stopped only slightly for Jessica to dream off into oblivion. Finally the radiation overtook her and Jessica was lost in dreams of her family.
597 Words.

Please Note: This was a writing prompt in which I had to create a story less than 601 Words starting with the sentence, "She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally decided to walk through the door."
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Old 08-26-2015, 05:44 PM View Post #2 (Link)
WalkingOnWater (Offline)
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Originally Posted by TheMagikarp View Post
She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally decided to walk through the door. An ominous gust chilled her cheeks as the door cracked open. The light outside was breathtaking; she had never seen anything like it. Nor was she ever supposed to lay her eyes upon what used to be New York City. I believe you can combine the two sentence previous to my comment here to have a wider range of sentence structure. It may help it flow better.Buildings (?) that touched the skies now lied laywith their bellies on the ground, overgrown with grasses and vines. She had no idea she was in a city, she probably never would. She only had one thought going threw throughher mind at the time, “Wow”. one of complete and utter amazement. I just don't like the dialogue there, it breaks the flow.Where fountains used to sing, now lakes covered their nude portrayals. It was as if Mother Nature herself had come to cover the broken city, to let it sleep if not for a little while. Little Jessica had never left her home before today, she had never even thought of it. Until of course the alarm had gone off…Do play around with your sentence structure, you have too many simple sentence, you need more compound and complex.
Thinking back it was all a blur, suddenly she had been told to go to the safety area. The room of white as it was told. The books were unnamed and white covered as well, it was as if someone had taken a secure room and tripped with a paint bucket. For everything was covered in that mysteriously unforgiving color. She had picked up a book; the inside had said “The Origin of Mankind”. It had peeked her interest for what was mankind? As she read on she realized that mankind was the cause of this horrid destruction, for which put her underground. The human race had evolved to better suit dark underground places. The air and ground above was soaked in radiation from the bombs that rained down more commonly than water.
She hadn’t gone to the white room out of curiosity, no, it had been for protection from the other clans. There was a protocol, that in the worst situation when all else might be lost do you open that door. Her mother had yelled to run outside and never look back, she had listened without knowing what or whom she was leaving behind.
Jessica took one step forward overcoming that vague memory and breathing in the pure air of the outside world. As she took another step she heard someone running after her, another clan’s man! She ran forward clumsily and tripped. The man was barely out the door when she heard the first explosion. Suddenly her former home was engulfed in flames, Jessica screamed out for her mother and father. There was no answer. She heard another explosion, and then another each getting closer and closer. The man faltered and then he was gone. A ‘thunk’ resounded to Jessica’s she looked and instantly regretted it. It was the man’s burned carcass now lifelessly in two pieces. Jessica screamed in terror, crying to herself she crawled away. ”Was Is (you don't think in past tense)this the end?” she thought. Jessica looked around for anyone else still horrified at this new world she was in.
As Jessica curled into a ball and sobbed to herself, she felt a pain in her leg. It was as if the world was telling her it wasn’t ready for humans yet. The pain blossomed up through her thigh, turning her veins black. The inky blackness slowly came up inching ever farther up her body. Gradually she lost the ability to move her body parts, leg, stomach, arm, hand, and neck. It stopped only slightly for Jessica to dream off into oblivion. Finally the radiation overtook her and Jessica was lost in dreams of her family.
597 Words.

Please Note: This was a writing prompt in which I had to create a story less than 601 Words starting with the sentence, "She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally decided to walk through the door."
I loved this There are some sentence structure comments I made only because I think it would really spice up the piece. I corrected some errors in convention, but other than that your premise was solid, and your ending was especially wonderful. Good job on following the prompt, I never can!

Message me if you have any questions or would like some critiques, stay brilliant
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Old 01-30-2018, 11:54 AM View Post #3 (Link)
nyqijyhe (Offline)
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An inquiry is made for the publicity of the things for the future challenges. This has been ensured for the format of the custom writing service in the bit of the relaxed and conducive terms for the people in life.
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Old 03-09-2018, 08:34 PM View Post #4 (Link)
nameless (Offline)
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She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally decided to walk through the door. An ominous gust chilled her cheeks as the door cracked open. The light outside was breathtaking; she had never seen anything like it. Nor was she ever supposed to lay her eyes upon what used to be New York City. Building(s) that touched the skies now lied with their bellies on the ground, overgrown with grasses and vines. She had no idea she was in a city, she probably never would. She only had one thought going threw her mind at the time, “Wow”. Where fountains used to sing, now lakes covered their nude portrayals. It was as if Mother Nature herself had come to cover the broken city, to let it sleep if not for a little while. Little Jessica had never left her home before today, she had never even thought of it. Until of course the alarm had gone off…
Thinking back it was all a blur, suddenly she had been told to go to the safety area. The room of white as it was told. The books were unnamed and white covered as well, it was as if someone had taken a secure room and tripped with a paint bucket. For everything was covered in that mysteriously unforgiving color. I do not follow, is the whole room white? Or only some parts of it? Because the analogy you used might make one think that only parts of the room are white. She had picked up a book; the inside had said “The Origin of Mankind”. It had peeked her interest for what was mankind? As she read on she realized that mankind was the cause of this horrid destruction, for which put her underground. The human race had evolved to better suit dark underground places. The air and ground above was soaked in radiation from the bombs that rained down more commonly than water.
She hadn’t gone to the white room out of curiosity, no (comma) it had been for protection from the other clans. There was a protocol, that in the worst situation when all else might be lost do you open that door. Her mother had yelled to run outside and never look back, she had listened without knowing what or whom she was leaving behind.
Jessica took one step forward overcoming that vague memory and breathing in the pure air of the outside world. As she took another step she heard someone running after her, another clan’s man! (Did you mean clansmen?) She ran forward clumsily and tripped. The man was barely out the door when she heard the first explosion. Suddenly her former home was engulfed in flames, Jessica screamed out for her mother and father. There was no answer. She heard another explosion, and then another each getting closer and closer. The man faltered and then he was gone. A ‘thunk’ resounded to Jessica’s she looked and instantly regretted it. It was the man’s burned carcass now lifelessly in two pieces. Jessica screamed in terror, crying to herself she crawled away. ”Was this the end” she thought. Jessica looked around for anyone else still horrified at this new world she was in.
As Jessica curled into a ball and sobbed to herself, she felt a pain in her leg. It was as if the world was telling her it wasn’t ready for humans yet. The pain blossomed up through her thigh, turning her veins black. The inky blackness slowly came up inching ever farther up her body. Gradually she lost the ability to move her body parts, leg, stomach, arm, hand, and neck. It stopped only slightly for Jessica to dream off into oblivion. Finally the radiation overtook her and Jessica was lost in dreams of her family.

One point of confusion as I read through was, where did the explosions come from, or who detonated the explosives. They seemed to just come out of nowhere. If they were nukes of some kind, then again, who set them off? Perhaps it could be due to the word count limitation you were under, which is understandable. Obviously if you were to make this story longer and more detailed, i'm sure that's something you'd take into account.

Some minor spelling and grammatical errors here and there, nothing major.

Overall interesting post-apocalyptic story. Especially given your word constraints. Perhaps you should develop it more and expand if you haven't already begun doing so.

Good work!
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