The man in the moon

Hangs low over the side of the mountain.

A towering shadow blocking his lips.

He smiles, but his eyes droop

And his head is tilted over the edge of rock.

As he falls asleep, he slips further down

Until the sun comes to take his place

And send the stars home to bed

To turn on the day

And wake up the sky.

What was at night a looming silhouette

Is now a great pile of rocks.

Originally Posted by Mimzy The man in the moon Hangs low over the side of the mountain. How do you hang over a mountain? A towering shadow blocking his lips. What towering shadow? I think you need to explain this He smiles, but his eyes droop And his head is tilted over the edge of rock. Wouldn't that be painful? As he falls asleep, he slips further down Down the mountain or down in the sky? Since you're using metaphor I'm not exactly sure what you mean Until the sun comes to take his place And send the stars home to bed You haven't mentioned stars before, so I see it as a little random To turn on the day And wake up the sky. These two lines seem a bit redundant because they're both giving the same idea What was at night a looming silhouette Is now a great pile of rocks. You mean the mountain?

This poem is very nice and has really good description, but I'm not exactly sure what the focus or the point was. Throughout your whole poem you talked about the moon falling asleep, so I assumed the subject was supposed to be the moon. But your title is called "night of the mountain" and at the very end you said the mountain was a great pile of rocks as if THAT were the subject, and the point was actually the fact that the mountain isn't as scary as it seems. Which is a really good poem point, but it's confusing here since the moon held most of the poem.

LOVED IT!

My Comments:

Spoiler:

The man in the moon On my second read, I interpreted the man and moon as the same person.

Hangs low over the side of the mountain. Here, I picture something like this : http://karaokesanantonio.com/midnight%20mountain.jpg

A towering shadow blocking his lips. I love this interaction between the mountain and the moon... I assume you're referring to the shadow from the mountain. I find it really interesting how, even though one might say the moon was higher than the mountain, the mountain casts a shadow on the moon.

He smiles, but his eyes droop

And his head is tilted over the edge of rock. With this line, it's as if the moon, it's as if the moon is sleeping on the mountain itself... Great use of imagery.

As he falls asleep, he slips further down

Until the sun comes to take his place

And send the stars home to bed I get this image of "Father Sun" coming in to take over.

To turn on the day

And wake up the sky.

What was at night a looming silhouette

Is now a great pile of rocks. I like the sudden change in perspective. At night, we get a picture of a dark mountain. It's mysterious in a way. Then the sun comes out, the veil is removed, and all we are left with is a pile of rocks.

While I didn't find any specific theme in this, I do think that it could be loosely applied as a theme on changing perspectives, maybe even the stark differences between night and day. Very nicely done.