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Old 08-11-2018, 05:23 PM View Post #1 (Link) Her
spacesandpaces (Offline)
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She had no story to be told and she realized as she stood by edge of the tracks. At the back of her mind, she knew, she sensed it. The moment she had been longing for for so long had finally come. She knelt down and rested her heavy head on the train way. It was cold; as cold as the death she had imagined. A faint tremble came through the steel as though to stop time in the world of the fantasy in which she lived, then followed slow but steady beats thudding through the earth that surrounded her. Her eyes that seemed to be glued open by the cold started to blink at the pace of the tremble that seemed to grow near with every breath she took. In what seemed like eternity in a second, the pace of the thudding was picked up by her weakened heart which in that moment was engulfed by fear. Fear was foreigner to her. It had been for months, her entire being she couldn’t understand how her brain could betray her so. How could it simply want to live after being silent for so long?

“Is this how you want to die?” the brain whispered

Dread caused her hands and legs to shake so tremendously that her knees and Elbows started to bruise against the coarse gravel that etched into her skin. They had abandoned her just like everyone else. They had almost withered away to mash.

She fought a battle within her; the brain screaming thoughts she had never heard before.

“Imagine the life we will have, everlasting sleep the end to all this, the end to the pain that life caused you.” Her heart fought for that it knew was truth

As if she was blown by the wind, her legs conspired against her. She stood up from the fate she knew was hers. She looked on as the train wheels whirled past where she had lay before and regret flooded what seemed to be the core of her being. It filled her eye with tears. But of course life was not done yet. It slapped her with the laughter that came from the train cars of unconcealed joy that passed her by. Her curse untold was what they called life. As though to mock her, the steadily increasing chugging sound was sealed by the loud hoot the train left behind as though to say if only she dared.
  
						Last edited by spacesandpaces; 08-13-2018 at 07:19 AM.
					
					 Reason: Feedback Received
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Old 08-12-2018, 06:17 PM View Post #2 (Link) My critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi spacesandpaces,

I think that your short story is really good and holds a strong message. I really like all of the use of show not tell that you used through out, how you didn’t give too much away about what was happening. My only improvement would be check your work. The only problems that I found were spelling and grammar mistakes, so I would just suggest having a read through and correcting those mistakes. (If you don’t know what I mean VM or PM me for further info).

Keep writing and keep checking your work! I can’t wait to read more of your writing.
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Old 08-12-2018, 06:58 PM View Post #3 (Link)
luna1111 (Offline)
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You have some lovely ideas. I love how you use images, metaphors and descriptions to make the stry more interesting. I seem to find your sentences a bit awkward sometimes. I'll explain later.

Originally Posted by spacesandpaces View Post
She had no story to be told and she realized as she stood by edge the tracks. This sentence seems awkward. What do you mean by "by edge the tracks"? At the back of her mind, she knew, she sensed it. The moment she (past perfect tense would make more sense here) longed (a second "for" might be a necessity") for so long had finally come. She knelt down and rested her heavy head on the train way. It was cold (semicolon) as cold as the death she had imagined. A faint tremble came through the steel as if to stop the time of the world of the fantasy she lived in, and then followed slow but steady beats thudding through the earth that surrounded her. Her eyes that seemed to have been glued open (seems awkward, I can't explain why, "but" doesn't make sense here) but the cold started to blink at the pace of the tremble that seemed to grow near with every breath hat she took. In what seemed like eternity in a second the pace of the thudding was picked up by her weakened hart (spelling mistake) which in that moment was engulfed by fear. Fear was foreigner to her, (period instead of comma) it had been for months, her entire being she couldn’t understand how her brain could betray her so. How could it simply want to live after being silent for so long. (question mark)

“Is this how you want to die?” (no capital) The brain whispered (period)

Dread caused her hands and legs to shake her (add "so") tremendously that he (her) knees and (no capital) Elbows started to bruises (no plural). They had abandoned her just like everyone else. They had almost withered away to mash.

She fought a battle within her (semicolon) the brain screaming thoughts she had never heard before.

“Imagine the life we will have, everlasting sleep the end to all this (comma) the end to the pain that life caused you” (perion before quote) (capital) her heart fought for that it knew was truth (period)

As if she was blown by the wind, her legs conspired against her (period) (capital) she stood up from the fate she knew was hers. She looked on as the train wheels whirled past where she had lay before and regret flooded what seemed to be the core of her being. It filled her eye with tears. But of course life was not yet done. It slapped her with the laughter that came from the train cars of unconcealed joy that past (passed) her by. Her curse untold was what they called life. As though to mock her, a loud hoot (awkward sentence) the train left behind as if to say if only she dared.
I think this story can develop more. I'm wanting to know what happens next.
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Old 08-16-2018, 06:55 PM View Post #4 (Link) Sentence structure is key!
Holden (Offline)
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I enjoyed your short story.
The vocabulary is buoyant, it caught my attention.
What also caught my attention, however, is the sentence structure.

The first sentences feel uncomfortable to read, for instance. I'd recommend you choose an average sentence length so your story flows with rhythm. Rhythm helps the reader follow along more easily.

"She had no story to be told and she realised as she stood by edge the tracks"
(Along with a few grammatical errors and some 'tightening up') If you split this sentence into two, it may be more impactful. Especially since it's the first sentence.

To suggest: She had no story to tell. She realised this while she stood at the edge of the tracks.

> "no story to tell.", rather than "no story to be told.", sounds better.
> I am guessing (correct me if I'm wrong) what you meant by "stood by edge the tracks." was "stood at the edge of the tracks." and was a typo.

I'll give you only the one example to go off of. But there are several more instances throughout the short story which threw me off.

Regardless, I appreciate the idea. I believe it's important not to be wary of writing on topics like this.
Be economical in your writing and it will stand out more.

To quote George Orwell's rules:

I. Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech you are used to seeing in print.
II. Never use a long word where a short on will do.
III. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
IV. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
V. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
(VI. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.)

Keep writing!
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