Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

YWO Social Groups



Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository (US) (UK) (Canada)


View Poll Results: Is this poem able to maintain the intimacy as well as the respect for the lady?
Very Well 1 100.00%
Yes 0 0%
Partially 0 0%
Not at all 0 0%
Voters: 1. You may not vote on this poll

Thread Tools
Old 11-21-2017, 05:56 AM View Post #1 (Link) As I feed you fire
aa_y_ush (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Moradabad, India
Posts: 4
Points: 4.21
Times Thanked: 1

Eyes were covered were they yours

Dripping magic like a fall in mine

Should I dive in them

Slowly untangling any cover they had

Slowly undoing any cover you have

Should I go through you, your mind and soul

And should you shiver as I kiss those scars

Should I flaunt my fingers on the velvet; your lips

Should you tangle yours across my hand

Should I follow your trails till I touch your waist

And get lost in the depths of your skin

Should I whisper some ice in your ears and then

Send a chill through your legs and spine

Should you walk your breath through my tongue and flame

And take them on a journey unknown

Should you close them- eyes

But uncuffus the covers

As I feed you fire, and I feed me you!
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-2018, 04:35 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Holden (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Holden's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
Points: 7
Times Thanked: 2
Very interesting.
The one thing which caught me out is the tense and the structure.
"As I feed me you"
It might sound better if you said "As I feed myself on you."

Be careful you don't repeat the word "and."

"Should I whisper some ice in your ears and then

send a chill through your legs and spine"

There's some very nice sibilance here... whisper... ice.. ears... legs... spine
It would flow even better if you said instead of and again - "Send a chill through your legs up your spine" And create an image of the chill rising through them.
Almost felt it myself there.
  Reply With Quote
Thread Tools


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:19 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.