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Old 01-23-2015, 06:57 PM View Post #1 (Link) Strange Green Rock
Keladry (Offline)
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One day, wandering down sidewalks, feet pointed home. Mind stuffed full. Much homework, quizzes. Also Missy. Missy likes me, maybe. Girls confuse me. But Missy… smart, kind, beautiful, perfect…

My eyes watching sidewalk cracks. Dancing. Careful: no stepping on cracks, or break mother’s back. Weird green rock in one crack. Really little, super hard. Also strange. No green rocks yesterday. No green rocks Tuesday. Why green rock now? Peering closer.

Seed! No green rocks here. This seed mine. Dropping into pocket and pointing feet straight home. Running! Seed gonna grow big. Gonna grow strong. Have flowers. Flowers for Missy! Pretty Missy.

Digging hole, planting seed. Right near front gate. Everybody gonna see. Missy gonna see. Gonna smile big.

Waiting, waiting. Gonna wait every day. Not long! Only one day, seeing green. Little green wriggler crawling. Laying, stomach on ground, talking. You gonna grow big, gonna grow strong, big flowers for Missy.

Green wriggler moves! Pokes toward me. Touching it back. Aww. This seed friendly.

Seed grow fast. One foot, two feet, taller, taller every day. Knows me now, too. Watering. Reaches for me, wraps bean-like tendrils around my wrist. Every day watering. Then walk away. Plant gets sad, droopy. No worries, Plant! Tomorrow coming again.

Plant grow more. Bigger than me! Spiraling tendrils winding far away down fence. Wrapping around gate. Hard opening gate now. No big deal.

Tendrils come for me now. Circle, grab my arm. Pull me close. Moving back. I say, “No, Plant, gonna grow big, strong, pretty flowers for Missy.” Harder pulling away. “No worries, Plant, coming back tomorrow.” Now has big bulb for flowers, probably. Big bulb growing exact center stem. Biggest flower ever, history entire world. Missy gonna smile.

One day, watering. Plant really wants stay. Insistent. Wound tendrils all around me. I say okay. Praising plant. So big! So strong!

Then try walking away. Holds me tight, close. “Coming back tomorrow,” I say. Not listening.

Shouting. “Let me go!” Holds me tight. No more walking, no more moving, not one bit. I say stop. Say no! Big flower bulb opens. No flower inside. Teeth. Big, carnivorous teeth.

Screaming, struggling. Snap. One tendril broken. Poor pet plant recoils. Lets me go. Running super fast far away.

Next day, watering again. Forgiving. Missy gonna smile. But just in case, bringing mother’s special gardening sheers.
Tendrils wrap around me quicker, afraid I would run again. Not letting them get me. Plant grow bigger, though, stronger than me. Big, strong. But no flowers.

Soon trapped. Bulb with teeth opening, above my head, reaching down, coming for me again. I say “Please stop”. Not listening.

Clever boy. Squirming, wiggle shears from pocket and wiggle and stab plant! Flinches. Shifting, open shears up big, squeeze hard, cutting plant right by dirt.

Tendrils weaken. Mourning, painful noise coming from bulb-mouth with teeth. Sounds like talking. Listening closer. Sounds like plant say “help".

No matter. Plant dead. Free. No flower for Missy. Quick before grow big again, dashing home for shovel. Run back, digging up all roots. Throw everything away.

Telling mother happenings, but not listening very well. Says get me brand new plant, no more eating me.

I think maybe never planting another seed again.

Spoiler:
This is an exercise in leaving out 'unimportant' words such as 'to', 'the', 'it', 'so', 'a'. I was amazed at how easy it is to adapt to not using articles and limiting my pronouns. I would love thoughts on this voice, how clear the story is, what you thought of the piece as a whole. Specifically I'm looking at the writing style-- I don't much care about the story itself. (The story bit was just fun.)

Thanks for reading!
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Old 01-25-2015, 01:57 PM View Post #2 (Link)
hofesh shel tzva'im (Offline)
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Text is very alive, I like the theme of the plant
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Old 01-25-2015, 09:35 PM View Post #3 (Link)
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I want to comment on this so please try and nudge me if I take too long. I have some time freeing up soon, it could be as soon as Wednesday.
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Old 02-08-2015, 11:24 AM View Post #4 (Link)
Derezzination (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Keladry View Post

Okay, you don't like the story, good, that means I can ignore how bad it is - if it's actually bad, I really don't like the 'mind stuffed full' but this is me trying to critique your technique over your ability to exercise your skills in writing - technical is the word here

One day, wandering down sidewalks, feet pointed home. This works, good, you leave out the 'unimportant' words in poetry, so why not do so in prose? EXACTLY Mind stuffed full. Much homework, 'much' is soiled because of DOGE quizzes. Also Missy. Missy likes me, maybe. with this style, it becomes more alike to stream of consciousness and I advise you to play around with punctuation as well - because we do so in poetry don't we? Girls confuse me. But Missy… smart, kind, beautiful, perfect…

My eyes watching sidewalk cracks. 'sidewalks crack' just sound so much better, if you can minimalise then why not pluralise when you shouldn't? Dancing. Careful: no yes/no are 'unimportant'? Think about what you can really loose stepping on cracks, or break mother’s back. Weird green rock in one crack. this is all about syntax now, you can have the same image of 'one green rock in one crack' but worded differently gives the same impression but feels nicer, sounds better, clearer - it's all about the editing and the refining of the prose Really little, super hard. Also strange. No green rocks yesterday. No green rocks Tuesday. Why green rock now? Peering closer. I've put strikes through some words because when you take out the 'unimportant' words you loose the need to have other words in the text, it's all about your voice though, the voice here is like a child, naive to the world almost

Seed! No green rocks here. This seed mine. you take out 'the' but you leave in 'this'Dropping[ped]? into pocket and pointing feet straight home. Running! Seed gonna grow big. Gonna grow strong. Have flowers. Flowers for Missy! Pretty Missy.

Digging hole, planting seed. Right near front gate. Everybody gonna see. Missy gonna see. Gonna smile big. what you're doing here is almost colloquial sounding of that of a English speaking Caribbean, you know what I'm saying here?

Waiting, waiting. Gonna wait every day. Not long! Only one day, seeing green. Little green wriggler crawling. Laying, stomach on ground, talking. You gonna grow big, gonna grow strong, big flowers for Missy.

Green wriggler moves! Pokes toward me. Touching it back. Aww. This seed friendly.

Seed grow fast. One foot, two feet, taller, taller every day. Knows me now, too. Watering. Reaches for me, wraps bean-like tendrils around my wrist. Every day watering. Then walk away. Plant gets sad, droopy. No worries, Plant! Tomorrow coming again.

Plant grow more. Bigger than me! Spiraling tendrils winding far away down fence. Wrapping around gate. Hard opening gate now. No big deal. Your tone is obviously inconsistent because it's new, and you don't know what you're really doing yet, but it's definitely something

Tendrils come for me now. Circle, grab my arm. Pull me close. Moving back. I say, “No, Plant, gonna grow big, strong, pretty flowers for Missy.” Harder pulling away. “No worries, Plant, coming back tomorrow.” Now has big bulb for flowers, probably. Big bulb growing exact center stem. Biggest flower ever, history entire world. Missy gonna smile.

One day, watering. Plant really wants stay. Insistent. Wound tendrils all around me. I say okay. Praising plant. So big! So strong!

Then try walking away. Holds me tight, close. “Coming back tomorrow,” I say. Not listening.

Shouting. “Let me go!” Holds me tight. No more walking, no more moving, not one bit. I say stop. Say no! Big flower bulb opens. No flower inside. Teeth. Big, carnivorous teeth.

Screaming, struggling. Snap. One tendril broken. Poor pet plant recoils. Lets me go. Running super fast far away.

Next day, watering again. Forgiving. Missy gonna smile. But just in case, bringing mother’s special gardening sheers.
Tendrils wrap around me quicker, afraid I would run again. Not letting them get me. Plant grow bigger, though, stronger than me. Big, strong. But no flowers.

Soon trapped. Bulb with teeth opening, above my head, reaching down, coming for me again. I say “Please stop”. Not listening.

Clever boy. Squirming, wiggle shears from pocket and wiggle and stab plant! Flinches. Shifting, open shears up big, squeeze hard, cutting plant right by dirt.

Tendrils weaken. Mourning, painful noise coming from bulb-mouth with teeth. Sounds like talking. Listening closer. Sounds like plant say “help".

No matter. Plant dead. Free. No flower for Missy. Quick before grow big again, dashing home for shovel. Run back, digging up all roots. Throw everything away.

Telling mother happenings, but not listening very well. Says get me brand new plant, no more eating me.

I think maybe never planting another seed again.

Spoiler:
This is an exercise in leaving out 'unimportant' words such as 'to', 'the', 'it', 'so', 'a'. I was amazed at how easy it is to adapt to not using articles and limiting my pronouns. I would love thoughts on this voice, how clear the story is, what you thought of the piece as a whole. Specifically I'm looking at the writing style-- I don't much care about the story itself. (The story bit was just fun.)

Thanks for reading!


Yeah, so I stopped reading because I didn't care for the story because, now this is funny, you're style became that of a child, I didn't like it but I don't really seem to like voices that are of a child in some way, at least a 'naive' narrator? I didn't enjoy Curious Incident or The Catcher in the Rye that much (yet both have strong voices)

Look up/at Absurdism and take books within the genre out from your library. It's cool and you might like it/find it useful/fun because you clearly want to be more experimental in your writing so do research on it. I don't think you'll take this on as your voice, but you'll certainly approach your writing in the future with a different sense of freedom and authority. Voice is individual and by getting into a state of hyper-experimentalism you can seemingly overload into a creative coma. You'll iron out any problems though and come out on the other side on top of everything because you're slowly starting to 'find yourself?' I mean, we all learn to write to ourselves, to find our 'style'. One hard thing my peers in my Creative Writing seminars find is that my style is my style, my voice and they just don't know how to critique it so they just praise me instead - my ego can only get so big.

But really, you should just read what you wouldn't normally read. And no, I don't mean go and read The Hunger Games or poorly written bestsellers, go read some 'good literature' or just research what you want to write like and read like that. It's not hard - people say to read a lot and when you hear that you go 'great! I read loads already'. However, these people read what they find comfortable, what they like/write like and they aren't branching out and learning from other genres/styles.

Okay, confession here. I feel a little out of place in the 'creative writing community' because my writing isn't genre (sci-fi/fantasy), my poetry isn't all about love and romanticism, so I'm like 'well you can't sit with me then' but you should definitely read something that isn't fantasy or Stephen King (do you like those?) I just see you branching out creatively and you need to support yourself otherwise you'll get nowhere.

Has this helped?
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Old 03-17-2015, 11:23 PM View Post #5 (Link) Your story
Clairett65 (Offline)
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I thought the story was very interesting and I think that I did't get the way that you were trying to write the story but overall, I thought you had a good storyline.
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