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Old 09-13-2015, 04:21 PM View Post #1 (Link) Inventory of A Modern Antique Shop, Or The Ballad of The Welder Turned Thief.
Taliesin (Offline)
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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[This is just something that came out of a free writing experiment. I quite like it, but I'm not sure what it actually is. It's obviously just a first draft.]

Rickety table
Rickety shelves
Rickety antiques
Rickety shop owner
Shaking hands of said owner clinging to rickety shotgun
Blood on the stained glass window

Later
A newspaper gathering dust on said rickety table
A headline on said newspaper informing of an unfortunate killing and equally ufortunate arrest
A 'Closed' sign on the stained glass window

End.
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Old 10-08-2015, 03:52 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Isis (Offline)
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I think this piece is an interesting way to think about both poetry and storytelling and repetition. What I liked and first and was not sure about by the end was the mix of brief lines like lines of poetry or refrains, and the sort of formal, distant language in the longer lines. Like the first four lines feel like something out of a horror story, or children’s book, or maybe a poem about repetition. But then “shaking hands of said owner”, while easy to imagine, also feels formal. Like something you’d seen in a really distant, academic discussion of a painting. Or a scientific paper. It belies the actual horror that comes in the next line with the image of blood on stained glass.

I think in the first stanza/paragraph that contrast works - it makes the line “blood on the stained glass window” more surprising. And I see why the same strategy of distance, of academic overworking and understatement, was repeated. I think it makes sense to see it again. But I also think it might get a little too wordy, maybe? I had a hard time parsing those two long lines in the second paragraph, and that distracted me.

I do love the title. I like the idea of maximal title against minimal piece. How important is the title to our understanding, to our reading of the piece?

Now that it’s been awhile … where would you want this piece to go? What do you want the reader to imagine when reading this? To feel when reading this?
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