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Old 10-06-2015, 08:34 AM View Post #1 (Link) insight into a glass emotion
rosalie (Offline)
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Humans are messed up creatures. We really and truly are. There is something wrong with every single one of us. Some of us have many things wrong; I just so happen to be one of them. I am a very flawed, messed up person, that I will happily admit to. I have, however, noticed a universal fault in almost every person Iíve encountered in my short 18 years of life.

People are houses. Thatís the best way I can put it. Some people are straw houses. Everyone knows the Three Little Pigs fairytale that we all read in kindergarten. The first little pig built a straw house. It protected him and provided him with everything he needed. That is, until, the big bad wolf came along. In one swift, graceful puff the wolf blew down everything that pig had. His home, his wall of protection, was gone. Unfortunately, we know all too well the fate of said pig was tragic, but letís keep my extended metaphor going and say piggy number one is still alive, what does he do after the wolf destroys everything he had? Does he build the house back up? No, he doesn't. Itís just not worth it. He needs something to protect him better. So what did he do? He got a new house.

Some people are glass houses. They spend all this time and effort building up something beautiful, something unique, yet so delicate. It protects you, then, just like that something happens and the house cracks. Slowly over time, the crack grows and grows and grows, until finally, the house shatters. A million pieces of shattered shelter, broken and sparkling like the dreams they had. You can rebuild the house, yes, but do you use the old pieces? Piece it back to together and pray to God that it will stay up when you can still see the cracks where the perfect walls used to be. No, that wonít work. So what do you do? You get a new house.

Other people are brick houses. The strong ones, the protective ones, the ones we straw and glass houses seek for shelter when we donít have any. These are the houses people need. These are the houses we wish we could build, but we canít. So, we just rent them.

The point Iím trying to make is simple; as humans, we break, fall, crash, crawl into anything and everything. We get hurt, but we get over it. When our protective bubble pops, when our houses crack, we seek refuge into other people. Is this good or bad? I donít know.

I need to know though, because Iím in a cracking glass house and I donít see a brick one for miles.
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:05 AM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
2sh4r (Offline)
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Hey - so since this is an experimental piece, this critique will be a little different. I'll try to tell you what your piece does well and what I think it does NOT do so well, and you can see if it fits your goal.

Originally Posted by rosalie View Post
Humans are messed up creatures. We really and truly are. There is something wrong with every single one of us. Some of us have many things wrong; I just so happen to be one of them. I am a very flawed, messed up person, that I will happily admit to. I have, however, noticed a universal fault in almost every person Iíve encountered in my short 18 years of life.

I like the idea that you're trying to express in this first paragraph. The world has hurt us all in some way. But the way you've done it, the expression comes off as kind of clunky and that's never good.

On clunkiness: writing is basically the process of recording one's thoughts. In writing down your thoughts, you are doing a sort of translating from one language (the language of thoughts) to another language (the language of written English). Clunkiness, then, occurs when the translation is ineffective or poorly done. The translation can be ineffective for a number of reasons, and I'll go into why I think your "translation" is bad.

Because of the nature of your argument, you can go two ways with this: you can develop this into a rambling, stream-of-conscience expression, in which you attempt to record your thoughts directly. Or you can structure their thoughts for clarity in the style of an essay. If you go for the second, you have to cut down on the repetition in your first paragraph. You'll notice that a lot of the words you use are unnecessary and redundant. For example, the entire second sentence doesn't really add much. The second thing is the grammar. "I am a very flawed, messed up person, that I will happily admit to." For example, this sentence is very clunky, and its hard to make sense of what is supposed to mean.

If you are going for an entirely personal rambling narrative, then I guess these things are acceptable but then I wonder why you want to share it with people. I've done something deep and personal like this too, but I've been too scared to show it to anyone. Partly because its too personal and revealing and partly because it probably wouldn't make any sense due to the poor quality of the writing.

People are houses.

I feel like this is where it really starts. If that is true, and you were just setting up for this metaphor, then I think you should condense the entire first paragraph into one sentence. Thatís the best way I can put it. Some people are straw houses. Everyone knows the Three Little Pigs fairytale that we all read in kindergarten. The first little pig built a straw house. It protected him and provided him with everything he needed. That is, until, the big bad wolf came along. In one swift, graceful puff the wolf blew down everything that pig had. His home, his wall of protection, was gone. Unfortunately, we know all too well the fate of said pig was tragic, but letís keep my extended metaphor going and say piggy number one is still alive, what does he do after the wolf destroys everything he had? Does he build the house back up? No, he doesn't. Itís just not worth it. He needs something to protect him better. So what did he do? He got a new house.

The metaphor and language are interesting. Your language seems to be using personal narration to build a metaphor and argue something, which is pretty strange, and I don't know well that works.

Something worth noting: the metaphor seems a bit muddled. In the beginning you say people are houses, but then in the example, you relate people to the pig rather than the house. Or am I getting something wrong? Are we built, only to be blown down by wolves? If so, what does that mean?


Some people are glass houses. They spend all this time and effort building up something beautiful, something unique, yet so delicate. It protects you, then, just like that something happens and the house cracks. Slowly over time, the crack grows and grows and grows, until finally, the house shatters. A million pieces of shattered shelter, broken and sparkling like the dreams they had. You can rebuild the house, yes, but do you use the old pieces? Piece it back to together and pray to God that it will stay up when you can still see the cracks where the perfect walls used to be. No, that wonít work. So what do you do? You get a new house.

Other people are brick houses. The strong ones, the protective ones, the ones we straw and glass houses seek for shelter when we donít have any. These are the houses people need. These are the houses we wish we could build, but we canít. So, we just rent them. What? We rent them? What does that mean? You've thrown in so many extra elements into the metaphor with no explanation so its starting to feel more and more muddled.

The point Iím trying to make is simple; as humans, we break, fall, crash, crawl into anything and everything. We get hurt, but we get over it. When our protective bubble pops, when our houses crack, we seek refuge into other people Use of the word "into" here is very strange, and I'm not sure if its grammatically correct since I can't ascertain the initial goal. Did you mean "from" or "with"?. Is this good or bad? I donít know.

Also, why did you set up the elaborate (but muddled) metaphor with the three pigs if the point is simple enough to be explained in one point.

I need to know though, because Iím in a cracking glass house and I donít see a brick one for miles.
The biggest thing I'm wondering is: were you trying to express something emotional and relieve some of your own emotions? If so, its a valiant effort. Its hard to express thoughts. Its hard to express the self. Its hard to express the suffering of the human soul.

If, however, you were trying to make a philosophical point, I don't think the argument is very well-built. Its pretty muddled, and the metaphor you make loses itself at points. Furthermore, the point you finally make is pretty simple, and I think most people would agree to it. Its basically "people suffer" and yea - people do suffer.

Its hard to critique this piece because I'm not sure what the goal was. Anyway, I hope I helped in some way at least.

Message me if you have any questions.

And welcome to YWO!
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