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Old 07-11-2015, 03:18 AM View Post #1 (Link) Why?
han123 (Offline)
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So, for my English lit class we had to write a dramatic monologue and I want to try to get the best grade possible so if you guys could help me out this week that would be fantastic. I have never written a dramatic monologue before this, so if you have then some pointers would be really helpful. Thankyou in advance

(Sits in bed with blanket up to chin, staring hopelessly at the dead weeds and flowers in the front yard) You really donít care do you?
I realised this in primary school when the other kids hurt me and even though you were supposedly (changes voice to emphasise sarcasm, lifts two fingers and bends them twice in a sarcastic motion) Ďwatching over meí you didnít make them go away. You did nothing. Itís like you looked away every time I got hit or pushed down the stairs and blocked your ears whenever I got called fat. (Smiles sarcastically) I found your gift eventually though, it was tough love. You gave me an obsession over tape measures and scales to distract myself from the bitches at school, but it was only later that I realised what you were really trying to tell me. My body was too offensive for you to look at. Not thin enough. Not bony enough. (Raises voice beginning to get frustrated) You turned my thoughts in crawling maggots and they were viscous disgusting creatures. Were you proud when I walked out of the bathroom confident and ill after wiping the vomit from my lips? Were you proud of me when I came home drenched in sweat smears and tears and I still smiled? You made me sick. (Pauses and then becomes more emotional, frowns painfully) Why did you make me sick?

You know it hurt like hell. (Laughs sarcastically) But hey, whatever doesnít kill you makes you stronger, right? Wrong. Whatever doesnít kill you makes you weaker. And weaker. And weaker, until you get so weak that you break. Thereís no such thing as a wooden soldier. At least you gave me a way to cope, I guess. You sent me to bed with a pair of scissors each night. You even gave me some bandaids too, so I could patch up my thigh slits Ďní scrapes and hope the bed sheets wouldnít get bloody. Why do you hurt me more than you help me? You canít give me a weapon and expect it not to get messy. What about the night when you faced me with thoughts and objects that could easily turn dangerous. Blades and hot water, tablets, knives, the roof and the ground, these were the options you gave me. Why did you make me write my note when I didnít really want to die. I almost finished it. Were you trying to test my strength? Why did you leave me in the dark? (Erupts into angry tears)

Do you have fun? Do you enjoy this sick game? Or is this a lesson? I did learn a lot after all. I learnt how to cry all day without anybody knowing. (Smiles sarcastically again) I learnt how to smile like a happy person. I learnt to look like a normal teenager and do normal teenager things like watch movies and read and relax on the beach. But really, I donít do any of these things. Really, I just stare into space and dream with my eyes open. Hoping. Hoping that one day youíll stop screwing around with my head. Hoping that one day everything will be ok and everything will make sense and there will be a reason for all of this.

Was I given the name ĎAmyí because itís small and insignificant? Do you hate me because Iím weak? When will you stop? I have no personality anymore. I have no motivation. I canít be enthusiastic. I canít sleep. I canít concentrate on anything. I can barely even do anything. (Voice gets louder and angrier) Why do you punish me? Why? (Voice gets softer and more emotional) Why? (Breaks down into more tears)
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Old 07-11-2015, 08:07 PM View Post #2 (Link)
AdrenalinJunkie (Offline)
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So firstly I think that this is good because the character does have a personality- they're fighting and I suppose that shows me they've got an opinion, so are reasonably intelligent. I do think that some of your work contradicts itself. For instance, this character obviously does have a personality, which contradicts "I have no personality anymore.". Also, a lot of the symptoms they're describing imply depression, such as having no motivation, yet this character doesn't really strike me as depressed, because they don't sound like they've given up, and this scene is kinda them at their most intimate, so if not then, why anywhere else?

I also feel like you haven't made up your mind on whether the other character is merely negligent( not doing their duty to look after the character), or actively malicious( handing the character the tools to harm themselves), and these are mutually exclusive, so I would suggest making up your mind.


Originally Posted by han123 View Post
So, for my English lit class we had to write a dramatic monologue and I want to try to get the best grade possible so if you guys could help me out this week that would be fantastic. I have never written a dramatic monologue before this, so if you have then some pointers would be really helpful. Thankyou in advance

(Sits in bed with blanket up to chin, staring hopelessly at the dead weeds and flowers in the front yard)I'm not sure you're meant to have scene settings? I never had to do these for my school, so I don't know, but the wiki how sample doesn't have cues.You really donít care do you?
I realised this in primary school when the other kids hurt me and even though you were supposedly (changes voice to emphasise sarcasm, lifts two fingers and bends them twice in a sarcastic motion) Ďwatching over meí you didnít make them go away. You did nothing. Personally I find the shift from present to past tense quite disconcerting but that may just be me, and it's certainly not a deal breaker. Itís like you looked away every time I got hit or pushed down the stairs and blocked your ears whenever I got called fat. (Smiles sarcastically) I found your gift eventually though, it was tough love.I need a segue between these last two sentences. Also, I don't really get this sentence. Tough love implies to me that the person either cares about the speaker, or at least has a duty to raise them somewhat, but from the rest of this, it doesn't seem like that is true. You gave me an obsession over tape measures and scales lists of three are good, hint, hint to distract myself from the bitches at school, but it was only later that I realised what you were really trying to tell me. My body was too offensive for you to look at. Not thin enough. Not bony enough. (Raises voice beginning to get frustrated) You turned my thoughts in crawling maggots and they were viscous disgusting creatures. Ew. I really love the speaker at times like this. Do you mean viscous or vicious? Were you proud when I walked out of the bathroom confident and ill after wiping the vomit from my lips? Were you proud of me when I came home drenched in sweat, smears and tears and I still smiled? Speaker's not afraid to show her vulnerable side- I like it. I think raw emotions do make it a dramatic monologue, because these things are more intimate than normal stories as they don't really use third person at all. You made me sick. (Pauses and then becomes more emotional, frowns painfully) Why did you make me sick? ? I kinda think the speaker's implied why they made her sick. This sentence is unnecessary
So, I don't feel as if I've been given enough information to understand this. I want to know 1.who the other character is- I don't need a name but I would like to know if family, friend or imaginary.
2.Is this still going on? What is happening to present day character that she feels the need to talk about a past that she probably doesn't like remembering.
3.What is it that the other character has done? I got the feeling that they had told her some things to make her skinnier which had caused her mental health issues maybe? But I don't really know for sure. I don't understand why they would be proud of her for instance- what did they input into the situation.


You know it hurt like hell. (Laughs sarcastically) But hey, whatever doesnít kill you makes you stronger, right? I think rhetorical questions are only really wanted if they actually cause the reader to question their ideas- this doesn't as we've all heard it before. Wrong. Whatever doesnít kill you makes you weaker. And weaker. And weaker, until you get so weak that you break. Thereís no such thing as a wooden soldier. I may just not get this because I'm not American- is this a famous reference or something? At least you gave me a way to cope, I guess. You sent me to bed with a pair of scissors each night. You even gave me some bandaids too, so I could patch up my thigh slits Ďní scrapes and hope the bed sheets wouldnít get bloody. Why do you hurt me more than you help me? Is this meant to be past tense or present? Again, I feel like if you include both tenses, you have to give more information about the character as you have to give a basic overview of relevant aspects of their lives in both time periods. You canít give me a weapon and expect it not to get messy. What about the night when you faced me with thoughts and objects that could easily turn dangerous. Blades and hot water, tablets, knives, the roof and the ground, these were the options you gave me. Why did you make me write my note when I didnít really want to die. I almost finished it. Were you trying to test my strength? Why did you leave me in the dark? (Erupts into angry tears) I NEED INFORMATION GODDAMIT!!!!

Do you have fun? Do you enjoy this sick game? Or is this a lesson? I did learn a lot after all. I learnt how to cry all day without anybody knowing. (Smiles sarcastically again) I learnt how to smile like a happy person. I learnt to look like a normal teenager and do normal teenager things like watch movies and read and relax on the beach. But really, I donít do any of these things. Really, I just stare into space and dream with my eyes open. Hoping. Hoping that one day youíll stop screwing around with my head. Hoping that one day everything will be ok and everything will make sense and there will be a reason for all of this. So a bit more information about the present day character, but I wish I'd been given some earlier on because the first paragraphs just didn't make sense to me.

Was I given the name ĎAmyí because itís small and insignificant?So a parent? Do you hate me because Iím weak? When will you stop? I have no personality anymore. I have no motivation. I canít be enthusiastic. I canít sleep. I canít concentrate on anything. I can barely even do anything. (Voice gets louder and angrier) Why do you punish me? Why? (Voice gets softer and more emotional) Why? (Breaks down into more tears)
So I think you got a lot of things right in this. I liked the lists of similar sentences, like in the last paragraph and I liked some of the rhetorical questions but not all, because I think they a) have to make sense to the listener ("when will you stop" WHAT??) and b)have to cause some kind of interesting thought process to go off in our heads, as I think the first two questions in the last paragraph did. That being said, the repetition of "why?" does work.

Mainly I think that in a dramatic monologue you are looking for an interesting story that's somewhat mysterious and some interesting use of language, such as repetition, groups of threes, etc. But I think this basically has all this stuff, you just need to edit a bit.

Anyway, I hope this helped( I know it looks a bit negative, but I do think you'll get a good grade on it) and I wish you the best of luck with your grade.
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