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Old 03-27-2015, 12:55 PM View Post #1 (Link) Pressure
gabby9801 (Offline)
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As the blood and pressure of oxygen press against her temples, she's thinking about the times when life seemed oh so simple
She's a college girl now gotta grow up and try to become an adult, but a part of her is feeling like she can never be took
Taken seriously in a world where everybody's judging but nobody's listening, she prays for her cause but it ain't no christening
Words and rhymes fly throw her mind from time to time, but with insecurities holding her down who would pay her any mind?

Alone in this world, maybe with only her mother and one true friend by her side, she decides to ride it out and resist her pride
Knowing this girls potential and how far she wants to be is making her feel like this slow life shit ain't where she oughta be,
But she gotta stay cool and patient because with every slow process is God's beautiful creation!!
  
						Last edited by gabby9801; 03-30-2015 at 07:30 PM.
					
					 Reason: Punctuation errors
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Old 03-28-2015, 01:57 AM View Post #2 (Link)
GeonamicWarrior (Offline)
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Just to get this question asked for anyone else, "What form of writing is this exactly?" I'm assuming it's a poem, but I might be wrong, so it could be a song. Even though I'm not one to critique either type of writing, I will say that your lines of text need to have some pause with the use of a comma because if they don't, the line will continue without any pause that you had intended before writing. For example, "Alone in this world, maybe with only her mother and one true friend by her side, she decides to ride it out..." has two bold, red commas that are inserted from me. The ellipse is only there for fragment indication. I'm not saying that should be included in your work.
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Old 03-30-2015, 07:32 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
gabby9801 (Offline)
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Thanks for that advice I've always been bad about inserting commas in works where they should be, and to answer your question this is a poem, but the reason I didn't classify it as one at first is because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to write. I made this strictly off of the top of my head and just free writing in the moment.
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Old 04-12-2015, 12:12 AM View Post #4 (Link)
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I think there’s a lot in this piece that we could connect to - those of us still far from growing up and those who have been working on growing up for awhile. But I also think it takes a bit of that experience to connect to the piece. I felt most connected to the speaker in the first two lines. I think starting with a physical image, the pressure of blood and air against the mind, helped to draw me into the piece. I could imagine it. I could feel it. I’ve felt that pressure before in a lot of different situations. It puts me into the body of the speaker, into her experience.

I have to reach more to connect with other parts of the piece. In the second line, “She’s a college girl now” felt familiar to me, a bit, but also specific to this speaker. I could relate to the feeling of “ok, time to grow up even if I’m not totally ready for it”, and it made me want to see how she was going to handle it. It made me want to know more about her. And I kind of got that from the rest of the piece, but I also wish I got more of her personality, her worries, her pressures. What does it feel like to be judged, to not be listened to? To pray over those things? Who does she talk to? What does she feel is her potential? Where does she want to be? When she “gotta stay cool and patient”, what is she waiting for? What does cool and patient feel like, look like?

Ultimately this leaves me with a bunch of questions, and I wonder if I could connect to the character/speaker more if some were answered, or if the questions were approached like the first line - physically, and with imagery.

Is this something you’d want to revise? What do you want to do with the line length, with the sound? What do you want us to feel or imagine when reading this piece? What do you want us to connect with? To know about the character?
  
						Last edited by Isis; 04-29-2015 at 12:37 PM.
					
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Old 04-28-2015, 02:23 PM View Post #5 (Link)
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First, Isis is brilliant. The stuff she said is worth thinking about.

Your rhyming has improved a ton, if you compare "Pressure" to "Free Style Writing" or any of your other works. It sounds more natural than it did before. I think you can still make it sound even more natural, keep playing with the words until they sound perfect.

You've got a good sense of flow, too, how words should sound together.

I also like the title, and how you've kind of played on that word-- you're talking about metaphorical pressure, from peers and school and whatever else, but then you're talking about physical pressure on her temples. Word play like that is cool.

It's interesting that you write "when life seemed oh so simple" because that word 'seemed' almost implies that maybe it wasn't as simple as she thought it was. Or perhaps, when she grows older, she'll look back on this time and it will seem simple compared to what she's going through now.

The part about words and rhymes flying through her head is strange, because the entire poem is written in third person but that line makes it sound like the girl in the poem is really the narrator telling the story.

At this point I find myself thinking some of the same stuff Isis already pointed out. I'm left with so many questions, especially about the girl. It sounds like she's struggling, like she's trying really hard for something, but I'm so curious what that something is. Is it hard to stay cool and patient? Does she struggle to simply accept and have faith in God?

Even if you don't end up revising this, you have some strong ideas here that you could pull into things you write in the future, especially about this girl.
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