Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-17-2014, 07:02 AM View Post #1 (Link) 10/16/2014 - Erin Westwood
Violette (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Violette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
Points: 25.56
Times Thanked: 0
The following is a journal entry written by Erin Westwood, one of the Camarilla Harpies in the London Underground. This takes place in a world inspired by the World of Darkness series, specifically the Vampire: the Masquerade series. Her character sheet can be found at the Dalines website, #37170
Dear Diary,

All I feel is pain in my heart.

I have my vinyl of "The Best of Mozart" playing, the curtains pulled shut, and only the lights in my bedroom turned on. My neighbors, a little kine family, came over and complained about the "noise."

Human beings are capable of complaining about maestro Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I hope when they die, they go to Hell where Beethoven and Bach will take their lunch money.

I'm not usually this mean, this angry, this upset. Alucard sent me an email this morning, and it just set me on this warpath. He wants money because his Sire cut him off. Apparently, he was spending too much on clothes. I mean, I get it. I'm the one who told him he needed a new wardrobe. It was all biker gear, and that went out of fashion when Kurt Cobain died. I'm not giving him ANY money. Him and I don't have any boons.

So Alucard and his Sire, Donovan, go at it and come to me to mediate their dispute. I hate mediation. I pretend to like helping people, and solving problems, but I really don't give a shit about either of them or their money troubles. Especially not after the last time they started a fight in my apartment.

I'll spare your ears that story, Diary.

Alucard and Donovan got their problem settled and my neighbors are still uneducated mongrels who don't know what good music is.

I'll write more when I can.
  
						Last edited by Violette; 10-19-2014 at 08:31 PM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2014, 12:50 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Stacey (Offline)
Abstract Thinker
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Nigeria
Posts: 35
Points: 18.73
Times Thanked: 1
This is my favorite section of the writing forum because i know that there is always something unique waiting to be discovered here.Yes,this is very unique.I love the title which,needless to say, is very unusual.Did you really write this?because if you did,then you must be one hell of a creative person.I got a little confused as to whether the writer was human or not...the way you said'humans',made it seem like the writer was one of those weird creatures i read in Terry brooks and Arthur Clarke.The second paragraph was quite confusing also because of all those weird names.but then it's a diary and the diary ought to know those names,so no qualms!Nice work though!looking foward to more..
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2014, 05:54 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Violette (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Violette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
Points: 25.56
Times Thanked: 0
Originally Posted by Stacey View Post
This is my favorite section of the writing forum because i know that there is always something unique waiting to be discovered here.Yes,this is very unique.I love the title which,needless to say, is very unusual.Did you really write this?because if you did,then you must be one hell of a creative person.I got a little confused as to whether the writer was human or not...the way you said'humans',made it seem like the writer was one of those weird creatures i read in Terry brooks and Arthur Clarke.The second paragraph was quite confusing also because of all those weird names.but then it's a diary and the diary ought to know those names,so no qualms!Nice work though!looking foward to more..
Hey! Thank you very much! I really appreciate the feedback. Keep an eye out, I'll be posting more soon. Erin is one of my favorite characters to write for.

-V
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2014, 08:42 PM View Post #4 (Link)
weirdfish (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Aberdeen, UK
Posts: 5
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 0
[QUOTE=Human beings are capable of complaining about maestro Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I hope when they die, they go to Hell where Beethoven and Bach will take their lunch money.[/QUOTE]

A genuinely excellent sentence, well done
There are a few syntactical, chiefly an under-usage of commas in the fourth paragraph, wherein replacing some of the full stops would make for smoother reading and more endemic to the continuous, stream-of-though, pontificating nature of the character.

For a genre piece though its very nice and would make for a lovely concept in a more extended form
Good luck
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2014, 01:00 AM View Post #5 (Link)
monthlymuser (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
monthlymuser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 85
Points: 2.8
Times Thanked: 10
The odd part about this kind of entry is that you can't truly "correct" a diary - at least, not in my mind. That said, some diaries are more engaging that others, and this falls in that category.

The only thing I might say in terms of criticism is that I can't tell whether the diary is meant to be "open" or "closed". For example, the sentence:

I hope when they die, they go to Hell where Beethoven and Bach will take their lunch money.
seems to me to be specifically intended for someone else to read and have a laugh. Most of the diary seems to be written in this open manner. Other parts, such as:

I mean, I get it.
seems to imply more personal reflection. These moments are few in the passage, leading me to believe that this diary was meant to be "open" - possibly intended for an audience beyond the "Diary" entity.

Other than that, the piece was grammatically correct and flowed nicely as a whole.
__________________
"They told me I could be anybody... Apparently that's called identity theft."

Rigid formal writer growing into a passionate storyteller. Click-bait specialist. Humor me.

~Essay & other formal writing critiques by request.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2014, 08:54 PM View Post #6 (Link) fresh read
cinders rauhlee (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: in my mind and its safe
Posts: 8
Points: 5.94
Times Thanked: 0
Reading through this, there was just this easiness i felt; like you had no trouble at all writing this and that just made me enjoy it more. I like works that give off the feel of natural talent and effortless creativity and this is fresh. There are a few lines that made me laugh and don't we all just appreciate some humor? I feel inclined to add that i am a big fan(g) of the vampire and would absolutely love to read more. Great work.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:36 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.