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Old 06-18-2012, 05:18 PM View Post #1 (Link) Saying Sorry
fatma fuad (Offline)
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Heart is wandering
All the time I'm wondering
What has love done to me
Too many wrongs are bothering

Two wrongs make not a right
But I'll go on a diet
Rich in being kind
And Imma keep on the fight

Trying to right the wrong
Saying sorry on the phone
I'll go down on my knees
Just tell me you won't be gone

My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowning
I tell you I'll slit my wrist
Unless you're letting go of this
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Old 06-18-2012, 08:49 PM View Post #2 (Link)
InvisibleGirl (Offline)
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Originally Posted by fatma fuad View Post
Heart is wandering
All the time I'm wondering I think saying "I'm ever wondering" might sound better but it's your choice
What has love done to me
Too many wrongs are bothering

Two wrongs make not a right Do you mean "two wrongs don't make a right"? or maybe "two wrongs never make a right"?
But I'll go on a diet
Rich in being kind I like these two middle lines a lot. Very good.
And ImmaI will keep on the fight I already addressed "Imma" in your poem. PLEASE don't use it

I'm trying to right the wrong
Saying sorry on the phone
I'll go down on my knees
Just tell me you won't be gone

My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowning
I tell you I'll slit my wrist Oh. no, please change this. It's so cliche. I used to write like this too, but I realized it is TERRIBLE. This song sounds like it's supposed to be remaking hope, not trying to make a depressed person hurt themselves.
Unless you're letting go of this
Alright, well this is a lot better than your poem, "Working Out". Just more technical stuff like flow and grammar. Keep fixing that stuff.

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Old 06-24-2012, 01:00 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Mimzy (Offline)
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Originally Posted by fatma fuad View Post
Heart is wandering
All the time I'm wondering
What has love done to me
Too many wrongs are bothering Okay, the way you rhyme it is kind of weird, and I can already tell this is going to be cliche

Two wrongs make not a right
But I'll go on a diet
Rich in being kind What? First you're saying something about your heart and now you're saying you have to go on a diet. And what does "rich in being kind" mean?
And Imma keep on the fight The fight on what? And if you're using slang for "I'm a" imma shouldn't capitalized

Trying to right the wrong
Saying sorry on the phone
I'll go down on my knees
Just tell me you won't be gone Huh? This paragraph is seriously confusing. What wrong? Did she break up with someone and she wants to get back together? If so, why is the narrator worried they'll be gone if they're already gone?

My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowning
I tell you I'll slit my wrist Why your wrist?
Unless you're letting go of this Letting go of WHAT? If you're going to give hints that something happened, you have to explain as least a LITTLE bit. Or else it's just a bunch of stuff about broken hearts and phone calls without a conclusion
This song doesn't really give me anything. You need to work a lot more information into this or else it's just describing how sad the person is in a bunch of different ways. I haven't learned ANYTHING from this song and I have absolutely NO sympathy or feeling at all toward the characters in this song because you don't really tell me who they are or why they broke up and it just seems like some extremely depressed person who doesn't have an apparent reason to be depressed.
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						Last edited by Mimzy; 06-24-2012 at 01:21 PM.
					
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Old 07-16-2012, 04:56 AM View Post #4 (Link) Overall okay.
RendusGalybine (Offline)
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Originally Posted by fatma fuad View Post
Heart is wandering
All the time I'm wondering
What has love done to me
Too many wrongs are bothering
I mostly like this part but to be reiterated in a following word feels a bit too soon.

Two wrongs make not a right
But I'll go on a diet
Rich in being kind
And Imma keep on the fight

The parts where the person is bargaining seems a bit too light in connection with the end. 'Keeping on the fight' just felt like too much of an already used lyric. It seems as if it has been used before; as well as the "two wrongs make not a right" When doing any type of art
try not to emphasize the "nots" and" no" in other words the taking away of meaning of a word; to undo do it and make it an opposite. Describing more and let's say " jumping around and playing with words" is better.

Trying to right the wrong
Saying sorry on the phone
I'll go down on my knees
Just tell me you won't be gone


My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowning
I tell you I'll slit my wrist
Unless you're letting go of this
In connection of just tell me you won't be gone and unless you're letting go of this. Leaves a bit too much all the power of emotions comes at the end. Help ease into it and contrasting with some good feelings, having us attack to the personas within a positive aspect. When they eventually get to their troubles we will feel more. In the slit my wrists hint at us that it's within the person's tendencies a bit earlier on and that perhaps its why there's troubles in the relationship for that. Maybe that's why the person doesn't get their way and is left alone? If you wanted to end it with the personality not receiving at the end.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:19 PM View Post #5 (Link)
PieInTheSky (Offline)
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Originally Posted by fatma fuad View Post
Heart is wandering
All the time I'm wondering
What has love done to me
Too many wrongs are bothering

Two wrongs make not a right
But I'll go on a diet
Rich in being kind
And Imma keep on the fight

Trying to right the wrong
Saying sorry on the phone
I'll go down on my knees
Just tell me you won't be gone

My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowning
I tell you I'll slit my wrist
Unless you're letting go of this
Your comments on "wrongs" don't really take me anywhere. I grasped the emotion--desperation, obsession--but that was it. When you said "But I'll go on a diet", I was like, "Wait WHAT?" It's got the potential to be an excellent song, but your first priority is relevance. Especially on the last line, I found myself going down a path to nowhere. Not a bad start, though. OK.
  
						Last edited by PieInTheSky; 07-20-2012 at 08:47 PM.
					
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Old 07-24-2012, 11:11 AM View Post #6 (Link)
infinity (Offline)
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All the time I'm wondering
What has love done to me
[/FONT]
i thought this was a bit cliche but i still liked it!


My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowning

i honestly thought these lines were well put and really good! love it!

good, but needed some editing!
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Old 07-29-2012, 09:15 AM View Post #7 (Link)
Charlie333 (Offline)
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Heart is wandering
All the time I'm wondering
What has love done to me
Too many wrongs are bothering
I like this first verse very good repetition I like that.
Two wrongs make not a right[COLOR="red"]Personally I don't think that this sounds right maybe you could try something like "two wrongs don't make a right.[/]
But I'll go on a diet
Rich in being kindThese two lines realy made me think but know that I get I think that you used that very cleverly and if you could use more of this in your poems that would be great!
And Imma keep on the fight

Trying to right the wrong
Saying sorry on the phone
I'll go down on my knees
Just tell me you won't be goneAgain this one line could be better with something like just tell me that you won't go.

My heart is bleeding
My soul is drowningI like thes two lines.
I tell you I'll slit my wristI don't like this it's cliqushe everyone says something like that in sad songs you want to try and be ORIGINAL!
Unless you're letting go of this
Overall I think that this song could use some work.
I liked: your simalies and metaphors. It gave your song feeling and imagery.
I didn't like: the slitting wrists part you need to be original to stand out.
This was a good first draft. Try and rewrite it and watch your grammar don't just scribble down anything think if it sounds right or not.
I hope that this helps!
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