Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-06-2010, 10:14 PM View Post #1 (Link) Winter Dress
Peppermental (Offline)
Aspiring Author
 
Peppermental's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 680
Points: 12.1
Times Thanked: 137
I wrote this a while ago and never elaborated on it. I played it with my bandmate in the park (we practice all of our acoustic stuff outside, because its prettier) the other day and a small crowd of people grouped around us and asked about it, so I think I might work on it more. any help is great.


The brittle chill of autumn time
that numbs the nose like turpentine
stroll across sick pallid stone
with chills that spider through your bones

I heard you playing your guitar
a heroine visage, from afar

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

We sat down on the garden wall
the last leaves growing in the fall
played a tune to fit the night
you sang to me about the lights

In some sort of Syren trance
I knew it was too cold to dance
So light from all the notes you've sung
like rinsing bourbon from my tongue

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

Like climbing trees with child hands
or lulling in the ocean sands
I built a heart with rubber bands
a jaundice doll of forfeit plans

(repeat chorus out)
__________________
[Alice Glitterhorn] Caleb <3333333333333
[Peppermental] <333
[Rose] :o
[Jack] Caleb <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Jack] 333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Jack] 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Faust] Caleb!
[Rose] CALEB!
[Jack] 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Peppermental] so jack.
[Jack] 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Jack] 33333333
[Jack] 3
[Fi] CALEB!
[Rose] I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2010, 03:34 PM View Post #2 (Link)
x3naurus (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
x3naurus's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: OH, United States
Posts: 78
Points: 24
Times Thanked: 20
Originally Posted by Peppermental View Post

The brittle chill of autumn time
that numbs the nose like turpentine
stroll across sick pallid stone
with chills that spider through your bones

I heard you playing your guitar
a heroine visage, from afar

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

We sat down on the garden wall
the last leaves growing in the fall
played a tune to fit the night
you sang to me about the lights

In some sort of Syren trance
I knew it was too cold to dance
So light from all the notes you've sung
like rinsing bourbon from my tongue

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

Like climbing trees with child hands
or lulling in the ocean sands
I built a heart with rubber bands
a jaundice doll of forfeit plans

(repeat chorus out)
SUMMARY: Assuming that this is about... distracting of some sort, I really am too ignorant to know, though it is a song of a... wavy pattern. Almost as if it keeps this tone of post-horror and craze. As well as being a, either short song, or mid-instrumental, it keeps a guilty and lustering fantasy along with burning paragon.


GOOD: I heard it. For the first time, all the lyrics I read in my life, I read this, and heard it. I don't even here MY lyrics, but this... I finally heard it.

Although I pictured a pre-Manson voice with a dark, but soft and stretchy guitar riff, it might've been a song that I wouldn't skip on Pandora. With defying and submissive lyrics, along with a feel of... unique and sharp transitions gives me a numb chill. Yes, numb... you'll have to EARN one that I can feel...

BAD: Past minor segment flaws, like impulsive findings of need-to-look-at-twice -es... the main thing of this song is that I can't exactly put it down yet. Something's missing... something big...

Ah, yes... a bridge.

I assumed the last verse was the bridge-to-chorus attempt, but... it lacked elongated shifts in song-feel that epic lyrics have. Also, I can tell it was bent on season, in few parts. I don't know if that is good or bad... (at this second, good, but...)


SUGGESTIONS: Make it longer.

There's nothing stopping me from looking at that last "...out)" part a million times and thinking "Wait... that means it's done?" You say you played it... tell me the tempo. If it was ANYTHING but very-slow, it needs more. For me, at least... I don't want to let this song go. Again... there's something missing...

Ah, yes... a bridge.



OVERALL: Great. I want more. Yes, I know, it sounds noob-y, but I seriously want more of this. It makes me--

...I'll just stop right there...
__________________
Passionate
rebellion.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2011, 01:58 AM View Post #3 (Link)
numberlessdreams (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
Posts: 7
Points: 14.52
Times Thanked: 2
Okay, so I realize that you might not still be looking for critiques on this, but I really enjoyed reading it, so if you're still tweaking it then perhaps I can be of some use. However! As a fellow songwriter I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back since I can't hear your melody, so if anything I'm suggesting doesn't jive with your melodic lines, disregard me.

Originally Posted by Peppermental View Post


The brittle chill of autumn time
that numbs the nose like turpentine Excellent hook, here. You take a n oft-used phrase and spice it up with a totally unexpected simile.
stroll across sick pallid stone I really like what you're doing with sound in this line, but is "sick" really the right word? I feel like it muddles your metaphor a little, since it's difficult to envision a stone as "sick." Perhaps "slick" instead, since it has a similar sound structure and evokes images of rain?
with chills that spider through your bones This line is lovely. I especially like the use of "spider" as verb. However! You used "chill" in the opening line, so I'd recommend changing one of them.

I heard you playing your guitar
a heroine visage, from afar I like the line but it's a little strange rhythmically. It sounds like it might be too many syllables. I don't know what your melody line is like, however, so that might not be a problem.

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivreOh I like the chorus a lot. It evokes longing (since it's past tense) and I really like the contrasting imagery of the movie screen and the rosary. The rhymes (such as the are... slant rhymes? Do they count as slant rhymes?) are great too.

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice OH man. You Your first two lines were so wonderful and imagery-heavy and then... this line. This sounds a lot like a placeholder line to me.
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

We sat down on the garden wall
the last leaves growing in the fall
played a tune to fit the night
you sang to me about the lights Honestly, I don't think you need this verse. This is much more about exposition than anything, and it strikes me as much more generic than the other verses. I really don't think you need it.

In some sort of Syren trance
I knew it was too cold to dance
So light from all the notes you've sung
like rinsing bourbon from my tongue THIS verse is much more concrete, although I'm interested in how you mean "light." Do you mean "light" as in "lightheaded?" Maybe a more concrete adjective would serve you better, or even a verb - "swirling from the notes you've sung" or something to the effect.

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

Like climbing trees with child hands
or lulling in the ocean sands
I built a heart with rubber bands
a jaundice doll of forfeit plans This is just plain great. I can't think of anything to change.

(repeat chorus out)
In summary: I loved the imagery in this and it's a great piece. I really don't think you need that middle verse I talked about, and the other verses just need a few tweaks to tighten and clarify. Excellent job on this! I wish I could hear it

~ Emily
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2011, 03:56 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Rose (Offline)
Crit Trash Collector
 
Rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Beirut
Posts: 726
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 454
Please pay attention to the dates. This thread hasn't been updated since 2010. Not sure if the author wants crits on that anymore.
__________________
Das ist das ende


  Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 01:53 AM View Post #5 (Link)
numberlessdreams (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
Posts: 7
Points: 14.52
Times Thanked: 2
I did pay attention to that; in fact I mentioned it in the beginning of my critique. The author is free to disregard my comments if s/he is not working on the piece anymore. But even so, I chose that piece in particular because I had some specific things to day about it. If it's not allowed to comment on posts that are "old" then I'll stop doing it.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 10:49 AM View Post #6 (Link)
Rose (Offline)
Crit Trash Collector
 
Rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Beirut
Posts: 726
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 454
I honestly didn't pay attention to the note. I apologize for that. (:
__________________
Das ist das ende


  Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 06:45 PM View Post #7 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Peppermental (Offline)
Aspiring Author
 
Peppermental's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 680
Points: 12.1
Times Thanked: 137
I can only kind of remember writing this. Huh.
__________________
[Alice Glitterhorn] Caleb <3333333333333
[Peppermental] <333
[Rose] :o
[Jack] Caleb <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Jack] 333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Jack] 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Faust] Caleb!
[Rose] CALEB!
[Jack] 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Peppermental] so jack.
[Jack] 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
[Jack] 33333333
[Jack] 3
[Fi] CALEB!
[Rose] I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-2011, 06:22 AM View Post #8 (Link)
msbnat (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
msbnat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Jorhat, India
Posts: 55
Points: 28.88
Times Thanked: 8
Originally Posted by Peppermental View Post
The brittle chill of autumn time
that numbs the nose like turpentine
stroll across sick pallid stone
with chills that spider through your bones

I heard you playing your guitar
a heroine visage, from afar

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

We sat down on the garden wall
the last leaves growing in the fall
played a tune to fit the night
you sang to me about the lights

In some sort of Syren trance
I knew it was too cold to dance
So light from all the notes you've sung
like rinsing bourbon from my tongue

(chorus)
I painted you a movie screen
I painted you a rosary
I gave you all my joie de vivre
Gave you all my joie de vivre

You lofted me through paradise
a voice that kissed my neck like ice
I told you that you sounded nice
you drug me up through paradise
(/chorus)

Like climbing trees with child hands
or lulling in the ocean sands
I built a heart with rubber bands
a jaundice doll of forfeit plans

(repeat chorus out)

Good! You got a tune for it??

I tried to write something exactly like this, but I didn't sort of hit up on many ideas!
Lyric-writing was always so hard! I have a few friends who could compose really good stuff!!

This one here, the meaning: Comparing feelings with the Autumn.
From the poetic side of view, those are fair lines. I don't really know how
this would turn up once you find the perfect tune for it.

I suggest you review it now and then and improve the rhyme a bit. Other than that, you are good to go!
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:58 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.