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Old 05-24-2009, 12:54 AM View Post #1 (Link) Summer Sun
Midsummernightsdream (Offline)
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One afternoon after baking myself in the "Summer Sun" at the beach, I was just humming a bit and I began to randomly sing a song, and it happened to be this. I refined it a bit, its short, an without the tune it read off a bit silly, but here goes: my first lyrics. The dots represent longer notes and the hyphens a change in pitch or a separately pronounced syllable. Hope its ok....

Summer sun,
Reaching out to me....
Summer sun,
I feel... free.
Summer sun...,
Grass is green...,
Summer sun...,
Ocean breeze,
Summer sun...,
Balmy air,
Sum-mer sun.
Cherry blossoms grow.
Summer sun...,
All the way across the world...,
Summer sun,
In my hair and on my back,
Summer sun through the trees
Dappled light...,
Summer sun,
On the dusty stre-eet
Summer sun,
Kites aglow in the evening breeze...
Sum-me-r sun....
Sum-mer sun.
All the world for me......
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Old 05-24-2009, 01:28 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Fiction (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Midsummernightsdream View Post
One afternoon after baking myself in the "Summer Sun" at the beach, I was just humming a bit and I began to randomly sing a song, and it happened to be this. I refined it a bit, its short, an without the tune it read off a bit silly, but here goes: my first lyrics. The dots represent longer notes and the hyphens a change in pitch or a separately pronounced syllable. Hope its ok.... It looks awesome!!

Summer sun,
Reaching out to me....
Summer sun,
I feel... free.
Summer sun...,
Grass is green...,
Summer sun...,
Ocean breeze,
Summer sun...,
Balmy air,
Sum-mer sun.
Cherry blossoms grow.
Summer sun...,
All the way across the world...,
Summer sun,
In my hair and on my back,
Summer sun through the trees
Dappled light...,
Summer sun,
On the dusty stre-eet
Summer sun,
Kites aglow in the evening breeze...
Sum-me-r sun....
Sum-mer sun.
All the world for me......
From how you've sung it to me, it sounds awesome. You've got a great song. Strum it out on a guitar or on a piano, and hey, you've got a decent tune. Awesome first attempt.
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						Last edited by Fiction; 07-30-2009 at 03:57 AM.
					
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Old 05-24-2009, 06:36 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Midsummernightsdream (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Fictionwise View Post
From how you`ve sung it to me, it sounds awesome. You`ve got a great song. Strum it out on a guitar or on a piano, and hey, you`ve got a decent tune. Awesome first attempt.
Thank you deebling.
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Old 06-10-2009, 06:32 PM View Post #4 (Link)
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It simple and yet I love it. Sometimes some of the most simple things can be the most inspirational. Really awesome work.
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Old 06-12-2009, 05:47 AM View Post #5 (Link)
ms. emouvant (Offline)
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i really like it! it's simple yet well-written. i like the summer sun too.
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Old 06-12-2009, 12:52 PM View Post #6 (Link)
Ariadna Sinclair (Offline)
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i like it too, and a music from the 70s will be nice to hear it with it
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Old 06-15-2009, 06:26 AM View Post #7 (Link)
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Maybe it can be longer and maybe you can say what kind a beat it has.
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Old 06-21-2009, 11:24 PM View Post #8 (Link) A rare critique
Zombified (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Midsummernightsdream View Post
One afternoon after baking myself in the "Summer Sun" at the beach, I was just humming a bit and I began to randomly sing a song, and it happened to be this. I refined it a bit, its short, an without the tune it read off a bit silly, but here goes: my first lyrics. The dots represent longer notes and the hyphens a change in pitch or a separately pronounced syllable. Hope its ok.... Let's take a look shall we?

Summer sun,
Reaching out to me....
Summer sun,
I feel... free. So far so good.
Summer sun...,
Grass is green..., Perhaps putting a THE before grass will sound better?
Summer sun...,
Ocean breeze,
Summer sun...,
Balmy air,
Sum-mer sun.
Cherry blossoms grow.
Summer sun...,
All the way across the world..., Already, I think the repetition of the refrain is too much. Maybe you could cut it a few times and substitute it for something else? Just saying it aloud with the rest of the lyrics is starting to get, dare I say, annoying. Like a little kid in the back of the car asking over and over again on a long trip, "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!"
Summer sun,
In my hair and on my back, I see no rhyme for this in the lyrics below. Change it.
Summer sun through the trees
Dappled light...,
Summer sun,
On the dusty stre-eet
Summer sun,
Kites aglow in the evening breeze...
Sum-me-r sun....
Sum-mer sun.
All the world for me......


The italicized words disrupt the flow of the song. They need to be adjusted. You also don't need to write out when to stress a word and when not to, that is not necessary. It just makes it harder to read.


So, let's recap.

Repetition of the refrain- You can do without that. I know that it may seem like it has to be that way, but just by reading it, it comes off childish and somewhat silly. I know it was just a little tune you thought of, but I am only speaking my mind.

Rhyme scheme- For the most part, you rhymed very well. Simple words, simple rhymes. Easy to do, but not so easily found. The last verse(if it is a verse) did not go so well. The rhymes became sporadic and cheap. They also ruined the flow of the song. Adjust accordingly.

One of the problems with putting lyrics here is that without the music, people can interpret a song wrong and dislike it. Without the music, people may think a song is a country ballad or a rap when in reality, is no more than a simple uptempo rocker.

Post the music if possible. It will increase critiques tenfold. Why? Because the critiquer gets a special little gift just for reading it, a free song to hear. Everyone likes free stuff. Not only that, but it will attract more people if they can hear a song on a writing site.

Try using ZSHARE for uploading music here. Worked well for me when I was starting out.

I like the song, it may be a bit childish, but it flows well at times. A few tweaks and I think it will really be nice.

Questions? Feel free to ask.

-Z
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Old 06-21-2009, 11:43 PM View Post #9 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Midsummernightsdream (Offline)
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I'm sorry, Zombie, but there are actually no intentional rhymes here.
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Old 07-28-2009, 08:10 PM View Post #10 (Link)
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Originally Posted by Midsummernightsdream View Post
One afternoon after baking myself in the "Summer Sun" at the beach, I was just humming a bit and I began to randomly sing a song, and it happened to be this. I refined it a bit, its short, an without the tune it read off a bit silly, but here goes: my first lyrics. The dots represent longer notes and the hyphens a change in pitch or a separately pronounced syllable. Hope its ok....

Summer sun,
Reaching out to me....
Summer sun,
I feel... free.
Summer sun...,
Grass is green...,
Summer sun...,
Ocean breeze,
Summer sun...,
Balmy air,
Sum-mer sun.
Cherry blossoms grow.
Summer sun...,
All the way across the world...,
Summer sun,
In my hair and on my back,
Summer sun through the trees
Dappled light...,
Summer sun,
On the dusty stre-eet
Summer sun,
Kites aglow in the evening breeze...
Sum-me-r sun....
Sum-mer sun.
All the world for me......
I feel like this could be a very playful song, and I enjoyed reading through the lyrics. It kinda reminds me of the song "Love" by Sugarland. I think that the simplicity of it establishes itself as a great song. I think that this could be great, either on an acoustic guitar or a piano. It's something that I would easily be able to sing along with. I also see it as more of a country song than any other genre. It seems to fit in best there.
The only thing that I would say would to work on your rhymes a little. Some of them seem a little off. Other than that, great song, and a job well done.
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