Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-11-2013, 11:19 PM View Post #1 (Link) ~ Beautiful Paradise ~
Rachael (Offline)
Literary Artist
 
Rachael's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Home - sweet - Home!
Posts: 368
Points: 24.11
Times Thanked: 35
Hey, this is the first song that I'm posting on here, and I was sheepish at first about doing it, because my music is so precious to me, and its one of my biggest passions, but I decided I might as well post it, so please enjoy and critique.

Beautiful Paradise

From Twilight to dawn
The early sun will still shine
the sky becomes bright
and peace has become mine.

Like an enchanting spell,
the wind whispers it's tale,
whilst the leaves stir,
than all is calm, but frail.

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon

Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se

The sweet smell of spring,
with birds flying in the air,
flowers moving with the wind,
and bees buzzing without a care.

Green grass everywhere,
leaves on the ground,
Butterflies are having fun,
But listen, whats that sound?

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon


Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se
__________________
Please check out some of the links

Christianity

Soundcloud!

Google Plus

YouTube

Poetess Hannah Hebditch!!

Stumbling and falling is better than crawling ~ Rachael
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-11-2013, 11:35 PM View Post #2 (Link)
addictedtoreading (Offline)
Scholarly Apprentice
 
addictedtoreading's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 216
Points: 20
Times Thanked: 45
Spoiler:
eautiful Paradise

From Twilight to dawn
The early sun will still shine
the sky becomes bright
and peace has become mine.

Like an enchanting spell,
the wind whispers it's tale,
whilst the leaves stir,
than all is calm, but frail.

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon

Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se

The sweet smell of spring,
with birds flying in the air,
flowers moving with the wind,
and bees buzzing without a care.

Green grass everywhere,
leaves on the ground,
Butterflies are having fun,
But listen, whats that sound?

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon


Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se

I can't promise you a very helpful as lyrics are not my forte (sorry!) And please don't fret over anything I'm saying because most likely I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I like the first two verses in this song, they rhyme well and paint the theme the rest the rest of the song follows. The first chorus I find a bit off in the way of rhyming goes (stars 'n moon) doesn't seem to fit the precise clear flow of the song. Besides this line there is no other instance of slang in this song.

I like the main chorus especially, it seemed catchy and simple and I feel would go well with a melody.

As for the main idea of the song, I feel like it's about the raw beauty of nature, the serenity of untouched nature, before the burble of day comes around (twilight to dawn). I really like where your going with this song, good job
__________________
Abby

Please don't hesitate to message me if you have any comments or questions, I'm always happy to talk about anything reading or writing related. If you want me to look at your writing just ask!
It is not hard to write what one feels as truth. It is damned hard to live by it.
-Eugene O'Neil to Alexander Berkman
I am also a major Tumblr addict and have a collection of quotes (reblogged and stockpiled over the course of five years) that you are welcome to peruse
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-12-2013, 09:22 PM View Post #3 (Link) Re
Rhozyna (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Rhozyna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Blue Nowhere
Posts: 76
Points: 29.32
Times Thanked: 8
Originally Posted by Rachael View Post
Hey, this is the first song that I'm posting on here, and I was sheepish at first about doing it, because my music is so precious to me, and its one of my biggest passions, but I decided I might as well post it, so please enjoy and critique.

Beautiful Paradise

From Twilight to dawn
The early sun will still shine
the sky becomes bright
and peace has become mine.
I like this first stanza. It's simple but on the good side.

Like an enchanting spell,
the wind whispers it's tale,
whilst the leaves stir,
than all is calm, but frail.

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon
I was okay up until this last line where sun and moon somehow goes wrong. I may be wrong to say this because this is just the lyrics and I don't know the tune.

Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se
I like the main Corus, too. Also simple.

The sweet smell of spring,
with birds flying in the air,
flowers moving with the wind,
and bees buzzing without a care.
Maybe it's just me but the rhyme seems forced.

Green grass everywhere,
leaves on the ground,
Butterflies are having fun,
But listen, whats that sound?

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon


Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se
On the whole I think this is a good song you've got. I think you went for simplicity and it worked. This is not a rare topic but you definitely have a way of putting it which makes it unique.
This critique may not be very good but I hope it helps one way or the other.
__________________
Mi corazon.
Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
- Ernest Hemingway.

My stories run up and bite me on the leg - I respond by writing down everything that goes on during the bite. When I finish, the idea lets go and runs off. -E.H
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2013, 05:25 AM View Post #4 (Link)
han123 (Offline)
Literary Artist
 
han123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Somewhere nice :)
Posts: 330
Points: 24
Times Thanked: 42
Im only going to do part of the song since the chorus is repeated, and im not the best critique with lyrics, but ill give it a go.



From Twilight to dawn
The early sun will still shine
the sky becomes bright
and peace has become mine. (im not really sure that "has become" really fits here, maybe just try to word it differently.)

Like an enchanting spell,
the wind whispers it's tale,
whilst the leaves stir,
than all is calm, but frail. (I like this part of the song)

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon
( could be slightly stronger I think)

Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise. ( sounds a little strange having "beautiful" repeated so many times. maybe find something that means the same thing)
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se


Its pretty good overall, could use a little bit of work but was well written most the way. Really sorry I couldn't be much help, I don't usually crit lyrics so I have no idea what im doing! but if you've got any specific questions then that would probably help me give you better feedback.
__________________
Critiques: Ask and you shall receive
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2013, 05:56 AM View Post #5 (Link)
Plummie (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Plummie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 20
Points: 11
Times Thanked: 2
So, I get the feeling this was more forced, and less natural. It feels like you worked too hard on this song. I can see nervousness in the lyrics, near the end. It's like you tried to make the song long, but it wasn't meant to be with the lyrics you chose.

I'm going to work a bit backwards on this song. The fourth verse, where you say, "butterflies are having fun" ruins the flow of the song. The sounds you use are very different compared to the rest of the verse. Well, correction, it's the syllables that put it off. Butterflies has many syllables, and so it's certainly a bit difficult to word it in this verse. I've found one that I feel flows a bit better:
Green grass everywhere,
leaves on the ground,
Butterflies up in the air,
But listen, whats that sound?

It rhymes better with anywhere, and makes a bit more sense in relation to the song. You don't have to convey the same, simple message in every single line. Relax, sometimes just simply stating the imagry(?) is better.

Now, in the second verse you have a typo. It's more of a grammatical typo. You see, Than is when you are comparing something. Then is when it's an adjective. Oh, and in the beginning are you referencing the moon, or the sun? (Night, or day?) Cuz it comes across as night. The last verse confuses me on which you meant for this song.

Lastly, I will include some alternative titles in case you enjoyed that (whether it be for enjoyment, or does help give ideas). "That Feeling In Summer" or "It Starts Beautiful, Ends Tranquil" perhaps even "Spells Frabricate Feelings".
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2014, 05:23 PM View Post #6 (Link)
songwriter15 (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: wouldn't you like to know
Posts: 67
Points: 17.12
Times Thanked: 17
Originally Posted by Rachael View Post
Hey, this is the first song that I'm posting on here, and I was sheepish at first about doing it, because my music is so precious to me, and its one of my biggest passions, but I decided I might as well post it, so please enjoy and critique.

Beautiful Paradise

From Twilight to dawn
The early sun will still shine
the sky becomes bright
and peace has become mine.

Well, I absolutely love this first stanza. I think that personally all the lines work and that it sounds like a pretty beginning to a song.

Like an enchanting spell,
the wind whispers it's tale,
whilst the leaves stir,
than all is calm, but frail.

this stanza can become a little stronger if you know what I mean. Nothing to bad but can use some work.

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon

So, when you mean chorus one does that actually mean pre-chorus right? if so then it actually it seems very well written.

Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se

I am guessing that this is the end of the main chorus and if so I believe that it can also be a bit strong. Doesn't need much but it does need a little more.

The sweet smell of spring,
with birds flying in the air,
flowers moving with the wind,
and bees buzzing without a care.

Green grass everywhere,
leaves on the ground,
Butterflies are having fun,
But listen, whats that sound?

I like this a lot, the stanzas do seem to need something more but I think that they are very well written and flow with the song.

Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon


Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.

Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se
Overall I think that this song is very good but can use a bit of work. it flows great and i think that once it is tweaked here and there it will become great. Keep up the hard work.
__________________
Live, Love and be happy. Know that who you are is important

"When the power of love over comes the love of power the world will then know peace"

Keep working hard and never give up, life's a mountain you just have to climb.
-Songwriter15
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2014, 06:39 PM View Post #7 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Rachael (Offline)
Literary Artist
 
Rachael's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Home - sweet - Home!
Posts: 368
Points: 24.11
Times Thanked: 35
If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is it that I need to work on a little more?
You kept saying, "this line was good but could use more work", what kind of work?
__________________
Please check out some of the links

Christianity

Soundcloud!

Google Plus

YouTube

Poetess Hannah Hebditch!!

Stumbling and falling is better than crawling ~ Rachael
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2014, 07:37 PM View Post #8 (Link)
songwriter15 (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: wouldn't you like to know
Posts: 67
Points: 17.12
Times Thanked: 17
Originally Posted by Rachael View Post
If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is it that I need to work on a little more?
You kept saying, "this line was good but could use more work", what kind of work?
Well the kind of stuff that could be worked on is the sentence structure and word use. there could also be a little bit more work on the way the song is laid out.

in the chorus I believe that one it is a little to short, it kind of seems unfinished. I believe that there could be more in the main chorus and all.

I hope that you understand more with when I say that It needs more work. I am so sorry if I didn't make my self more clear earlier. like I said before keep working hard and never give up.
__________________
Live, Love and be happy. Know that who you are is important

"When the power of love over comes the love of power the world will then know peace"

Keep working hard and never give up, life's a mountain you just have to climb.
-Songwriter15
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2014, 10:58 PM View Post #9 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Rachael (Offline)
Literary Artist
 
Rachael's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Home - sweet - Home!
Posts: 368
Points: 24.11
Times Thanked: 35
Thanks!
__________________
Please check out some of the links

Christianity

Soundcloud!

Google Plus

YouTube

Poetess Hannah Hebditch!!

Stumbling and falling is better than crawling ~ Rachael
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2014, 12:46 AM View Post #10 (Link)
DeepCrystal (Offline)
Scholarly Apprentice
 
DeepCrystal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 128
Points: 15.92
Times Thanked: 20
Originally Posted by Rachael View Post
Hey, this is the first song that I'm posting on here, and I was sheepish at first about doing it, because my music is so precious to me, Same here about my music and my writingand its one of my biggest passions, but I decided I might as well post it, so please enjoy and critique.Will do

Beautiful Paradise

From Twilight to dawn
The early sun will still shine
the sky becomes bright
and peace has become mine.
Nice Intro!
Like an enchanting spell,
the wind whispers it's tale,
whilst the leaves stir,
than Was this supposed to be "then"? I don't know it just doesn't sound right. all is calm, but frail.
Great verse. I've read so many different ways of wind being described, but this is just magical.
Chorus One

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n`moon

Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se
I have nothing to say about the chorus; it's GREAT
!!!

Shouldn't there be a verse two somewhere in here?
The sweet smell of spring,
with birds flying in the air,
flowers moving with the wind,
and bees buzzing without a care.
Great second verse. I almost feel apart of your Paradisio
Green grass everywhere,
leaves on the ground,
Butterflies are having fun,
But listen, whats that sound?

Chorus One Was this supposed to be a "Two"? *raised eyebrow*

See the ocean waves dance,
Hear the birds sing a tune,
watch the blossoms bloom,
and make a wish to the stars n` Is this supposed to be 'n?moon


Main Chorus

Beautiful summer skies,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
A beauty you can't disguise,
It's Beautiful Paradise.
It's Beautiful Paradise.
Bea-uti-ful Par-adi-se
Very very beautiful song! Do you hope to be a professional lyricist one day? If you are you have my blessings. There's something about your lyric-writing style that's very...clear and vivid at the same time. Almost like a counterpart to my obscurity and vivid use of symbolism. LOL.

Crit....crit, crit, crit crit......*eyes wandering* For crit, all I can say is for you to make sure that you have everything organized so that your readers (like me) don't get too confused about it. Like when you forgot to mention the end of the first chorus and the beginning of the second verse. Also, while your rhythm is great, make sure you read it out loud to yourself a couple times so that you can decide if the flow feels right. Because when I came by those few typos, was like flow, flow, and then *splat!*

All in all, keep up the good work
__________________
DeepCrystal

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever--Mahatmas Gandhi

Dreaming your life away brings no solace; what you choose to make a reality is where true solace lies.--DeepCrystal
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:53 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.