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Old 01-03-2011, 03:49 PM View Post #1 (Link) Chimera
x3naurus (Offline)
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Become
Amass
Attain that which you find

Point the finger, young and frail
To the obvious;
The darkness, keep you wondering what
I am, I will do

With life, love, lifting up
With you
For I
Will not stay


Watch
The smoke
Fill the air without emotion

Find us, rebelled and sickened
By the constant possess
Of what we want, what we need
For our consuming

Of life, love, lifting up
From me
For I
Will not stay


To die
Is my
Longest
Desire

To live
With you
Is my
Chimera



~



Constrain
A life
With sobered dialects

Bow down before the
Hypocrisy of
Superiority, to beg for cants
To what is left

Of life, love, lifting up
To me
For I
Will not stay



You've seen
And heard
Your life, facetious

Point your finger, old and frail
To the indefinite
The darkness, no one sees
But you, and what I will do


Of life, love, lifting up
Above me
For you
Will not stay

To die
Is your
Longest
Desire

To live
Again
Is our
Chimera
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Old 01-03-2011, 07:24 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Rose (Offline)
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Originally Posted by x3naurus View Post
Okay, so, first of all, the opening is catchy, I'll give you that. Though, I feel that it lacks punctuation. This ain't much of a big problem for some poems, but, here, I don't really know whether you meant it or not.

So, mainly, the thing that confused me was the absence of punctuation, but, the contradicting thing you did is that you capitalized the first letter of the words that the lines begin with. Lack of punctuation usually makes the poem flow without making the reader pause/stop at each punctuation mark, while capital letters grab the reader's attention. So, I guess you missed that "detail" (let's put it that way), though, I advise you to pay attention next time (unless you did this on purpose); for this draftee issue is doing you no good.

Back to the capitalization: you make the word stand out by capitalizing, hence, bringing attention to it, like italics in prose. It's the same thing. So, unless you want the reader to stop at "For" (for example [in the second or third stanza]) then I would advise not to use it. Another thing, unnecessary capitalizing completely ruins the flow. That's because you're emphasizing that word as you read it aloud. It's loud and glittery and screams, "Check me out!" - this isn't exactly the best thing. You've put "Attain" in capitals, but it doesn't mean much, since you've also made every starting line word capitals. Therefore, it lost its effect.

Again, circling around lack of punctuation - although possibly on purpose, messes up the flow. Flow is important to any poem, because you want the reader to read your poem as smoothly and easily as possible without stumbling. If you have good flow, then your poem will have vivid images and figurative language.

So, let's take a look at the first verse, shall we? We shall:


Become
Amass
Attain that which you find

I guess there should be some kinda punctation (mostly full stop or dash), because I - because of the capitals - stopped/paused. It's because you have three consicutive verbs after each other, and each one of them is capitalized, so, as a reader, I stop at each verb and think that you've capitalized it on purpose so that it'd stand out.

Even if you're trying to create an intentional lack of punctuation, it isn't really working as I pause automatically between those lines. It's quite obvious that each line is the start of a new sentence/phrase (at least, that's what I think), and so I pause whether there is a full stop (or any other puctuation mark) or not.

My advice: lose the capitals, and stick to punctuation marks when you feel they are needed, or make the poem flow better.


Point the finger, young and frail Maybe it's just me, but maybe having "the finger" is somewhat vague. Actually, when I read that, I was like: Whose finger could it be? But then again, as I just said, it might be just me.
To the obvious;
The darkness the word "darkness" is an overused word, then, it's bland and boring, as in: doesn't tell much. So is "obvious". Though, I don't have any suggestions at the moment...) , keep you wondering what
I am, I will (The bolded part reminded me of the song you sent me the other day: Rose - A Perfect Cirlce. --> "I am, I will." :p do

With life, love, lifting up
With you
"With love, life"... my question is what? what do life and love do? What do they make you feel? What's the purpose of you putting them in this stanza? The bolded lines don't make much sense when combined together. To me, they just seem like two different ideas(?)
For I
Will not stay


Watch
The smoke
Fill the air without emotion I see you have a hint of a good image here. I like "without emotion", though, I think you can change the words a bit, and use something more powerful than "without emotion"? That's just a mere suggestion, you can keep it if you want to.

Find us, rebelled and sickened
By the constant possess
Of what we want, what we need
For our consuming

Of life, love, lifting up
From me
For I
Will not stay I like the repetition of this stanza is nice here.
Well, I stopped critiquing, because the poem was pretty nice, though, still needs to be deeper. You need to work on developing images and elaborating. I like the whole idea, I really like it. But, everything (or most of the lines) seems (seem [referring back to "most of the lines"]) straight forward and kinda "in-your-face".

Not much to say, but again, more depth, and this poem will be great. Overall, nicely done, Jay.
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:23 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
x3naurus (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Rose View Post
Well, I stopped critiquing, because the poem was pretty nice, though, still needs to be deeper. You need to work on developing images and elaborating. I like the whole idea, I really like it. But, everything (or most of the lines) seems (seem [referring back to "most of the lines"]) straight forward and kinda "in-your-face".

Not much to say, but again, more depth, and this poem will be great. Overall, nicely done, Jay.

xO But... but... all the other poems I do, they say I'm TOO deep.

(lol)

As for the capitalization, that wasn't me, it was that... Microsoft Word thing. I can try to change it, though, it would look better.

Oh well... if I was perfect it'd be pretty boring. xP

Thanks. *pays ransom*


EDIT: xO I didn't notice that APC thing... x( Sorry.
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						Last edited by x3naurus; 01-03-2011 at 11:37 PM.
					
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Old 01-06-2011, 05:06 AM View Post #4 (Link)
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the song on a whole was good, but you do realize that a chimera is a greek mythical beast? it doesn't make any sense. a better way to say that, would be, some thing like, " to live again, is our burden", or , " to live again, without you, a punishment". you could play with the wording to make it fit, but chimera doesn't make sense.
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Old 01-06-2011, 06:20 AM View Post #5 (Link)
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Is this supposed to be a song? If not I can move it right quick. Also, there is no such thing as too deep. There is cliche, however. Avoid that.
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:54 PM View Post #6 (Link)
Rose (Offline)
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Shoot! I just realized that this is posted in the lyrics section... O.o

I don't think the critique I posted does much in this section...

Originally Posted by Thoth View Post
the song on a whole was good, but you do realize that a chimera is a greek mythical beast? it doesn't make any sense. a better way to say that, would be, some thing like, " to live again, is our burden", or , " to live again, without you, a punishment". you could play with the wording to make it fit, but chimera doesn't make sense.
As far as I know, chimera is also a word meaning fantasy - daydream - figment of the imagination. It doesn't necessarily refer to the mythical beast.
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						Last edited by Rose; 01-06-2011 at 07:31 PM.
					
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:29 PM View Post #7 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
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Originally Posted by Rose View Post
As far as I know, chimera is also a word meaning fantasy - daydream - figment of the imagination. It doesn't necessarily refer to the mythical beast.

Thank you! Saved me the time. Plus, you took it exactly opposite, "Thoth". Living wasn't a bad thing, but a... "good" thing, y'know? "Fantasy?"

As far as everyone else; yeah, it's a song. But it was just me getting out of writer's block. So... yeah.

BTW, thanks, everyone. I'll be sure to post a better one, with your advice intact.
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:58 AM View Post #8 (Link)
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Originally Posted by x3naurus View Post
Thank you! Saved me the time. Plus, you took it exactly opposite, "Thoth". Living wasn't a bad thing, but a... "good" thing, y'know? "Fantasy?"

As far as everyone else; yeah, it's a song. But it was just me getting out of writer's block. So... yeah.

BTW, thanks, everyone. I'll be sure to post a better one, with your advice intact.
ok, sorry for taking it the wrong way. but the way i read it, it sounded like a one of those dramatic songs. i apologize for being stupid in that sense
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:10 AM View Post #9 (Link)
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Originally Posted by x3naurus View Post
Become
Amass
Attain that which you find

Point the finger, young and frail
To the obvious;
The darkness, keep you wondering what
I am, I will do

With life, love, lifting up
With you
For I
Will not stay


Watch
The smoke
Fill the air without emotion

Find us, rebelled and sickened
By the constant possess
Of what we want, what we need
For our consuming

Of life, love, lifting up
From me
For I
Will not stay


To die
Is my
Longest
Desire

To live
With you
Is my
Chimera



~



Constrain
A life
With sobered dialects

Bow down before the
Hypocrisy of
Superiority, to beg for cants
To what is left

Of life, love, lifting up
To me
For I
Will not stay



You've seen
And heard
Your life, facetious

Point your finger, old and frail
To the indefinite
The darkness, no one sees
But you, and what I will do


Of life, love, lifting up
Above me
For you
Will not stay

To die
Is your
Longest
Desire

To live
Again
Is our
Chimera
Ok. Well I wouldn't really call this lyrics. Most (if not all) lyrics contain a chorus. Normally most lyrics follow something along the line of the following:

Verse 1
Chorus
Verse 2
Chorus
Bridge - or verse three
Chorus

You are not restricted to using this format but it I suggest you write lyrics somewhat along the lines of it. You at least need a chorus. I would insetry your chorus after each time you say:

Of life, love, lifting up
To me
For I
Will not stay
---
Also onto the meaning of this poem.

I do not understand what you mean when you say:

To live
Again
Is our
Chimera
From what I understand you fear to live again. You are attempting to use the image of a chimera to represent fear. Is this not what you are attempting to do?

My suggestion to you is to completely remove the image of the chimera from the song by simply replacing the word "chimera" with the word "fear" or a synonyms of fear.

---

Now enough telling you what I disliked and what needs changing. Its time for me to tell you the part I liked:

Bow down before the
Hypocrisy of
Superiority, to beg for cants
To what is left
This is very strong and meaningful. Just say it outloud "Hypocrisy of Superiority". That sounds awesome.

---
I looked up Chimera and came up with only the definition of a mythical beast.
  
						Last edited by OrionRising; 02-02-2011 at 12:17 AM.
					
					 Reason: Noticed people saying that people were saying Chimera meant daydream, dream, etc.
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