YWO > The Day the Sun Died
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|02-13-2017, 08:06 PM||View Post #1 (Link) The Day the Sun Died|
Join Date: Feb 2017
Times Thanked: 0
The day the sun died.
It was March 15th 2016.
Of course I remember the date. Wouldn't you? After years of being there, it suddenly left. There was no warning. Just left.
I don't remember much after that, but what I do remember is that goosebumps covered my skin. My breath made me look like a smoker. I did quickly became one after that, helped kill me faster.
People went insane. Glass breaking filled the ears of everyone around me. Sobbing left and right over fallen flowers and hungry sidewalks. Joining in on the wonderful burnings of reds, whites, and blues that soon turned black.
Life wasn't the same without the sun.
No one expected it to leave, it just happened. Everyone thought it was going to last, well at least it wasn't going to die as suddenly as it did. Maybe that's why I'm sick.
When ever my throat gets sore, I find my favorite bottle.
It's an ugly brown and fragile.
The small tubes of death, are my least favorite thing.
I hate them but I need them.
Roses. Those bloody roses. I bought them while running late to meet her. Only for the sidewalk to eat them up. A waste of money.
The place that helps my sore throat, everyone there knows me. Well except me.
They all cheer when I walk in, that could be a song. I think it just to cheer me up. It's been a year, I don't know why they keep trying. It's not going to happen.
The door clanked shut behind me. The shouts from inside forever silenced.
My throat no longer sore.
My lips pressed down on the creme colored tube. The other end quickly lit up.
Must be cold.
I look like a smoker.
I am a smoker.
I walked in a straight line. Not perfectly straight, but straight neither less. To much from my favorite bottle can make a man walk in a swaying circle.
The night was lit up.
Not by the stars. They went with the sun.
But by the lights of the surrounding buildings.
I swear, they got brighter when the sun died.
The world has been a lot less colorful after it left.
No more flowers.
The sidewalk ate them all.
Running my fingers through my hair, black strands stuck in between the fingers.
The creme tube came to end of its life. I dropped it and crushed it into the sidewalk.
Maybe if I burn the sidewalk enough, it'll leave me alone.
My body was on fire as I hit the ground. I glared at the person across from, ready to kill.
I forgot how close I was.
The girl looked up, and my eyes meet hers, only for a moment.
Everything went white, but just for second.
My vision came back, the girl was saying something. I couldn't hear her.
I glanced up to the sky and could help but grin.
It felt weird.
The stars were back. They dotted the dark sky, making it bright again.
On March 15th 2016, the sun died.
On April 6th 2017, it came back.
|02-27-2017, 03:47 AM||View Post #2 (Link)|
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: In a land far, far away
Times Thanked: 0
This was very engaging with room for interpretation and imagination though the symbolism of the sun is a little unclear. There seemed to be some unfinished details such as the sidewalk eating the roses for "her." Is "her" the girl towards the end or someone entirely different? Overall, your literary tools were strong and despite the open ended details, your short story grabbed me from the start. One more thing: are the dates connected to something imporrtant to you? You don't have to answer if it's personal -- just curious.
"A writer is simply a photographer of thoughts"
"You can't use up creativity - the more you use, the more you have" -
|02-27-2017, 07:22 PM||View Post #3 (Link)|
Crit Trash Collector
Join Date: Jan 2010
Times Thanked: 454
It's been a very long time since I've critiqued anything. So your story is going to be the first one in this whole attempt-to-make-a-comeback-kinda-process. Apologies if I come off as mean in some places. I am generally a nice person, but I get a bit blunt when I critique. ♥
Note: Don't feel overwhelmed by the size of this critique. I don't know how new members are critiquing on the forum nowadays, but this is how we used to do it back in my days. Damn I feel old. I bet there are members from back then still giving critiques so you may already have an idea afterall.
The only thing I think I understand is that maybe the character has throat cancer because of smoking but he still smoked anyways? What does the sun refer to? The sidewalk? The plants dying? I think the whole winter thing means that he's nearing death? So is the sun's death kind of like loss of hope? Is that a story about overcoming sickness? Particularly cancer? If that's the case, that's touching. But, from an objective point of view--talking structure wise and whatnot--this still has a long way to go. The appearance of the girl is very sudden, and you still have problem with character development. I don't mean this in a way that I want to know the eyecolor and hair color of your character. What I mean by character development is what's on the inside. The state he's really in. Emotions, thoughts, mainly. This could be carried out by how you phrase things. His personal thoughts and reflections on things around him. I couldn't find that here. The text was emotionless for me at many places.
I- Description and Imagery: You have the skeleton now basically. You need the flesh, which is the description and vivid images.
Moving on to imagery, which involves all of the senses. I want to know what it sounds like, what it smells like, what it looks like, what it tastes like, what it feels like. As we all know, sight is the easiest sense to use for description, but the more you appeal to the senses, the better the picture you create, and the more the reader actually understands what you’re on about. Just be creative. Let your imagination run wild. The great thing is, you’ve now got the skeleton of your story. Be creative. And your setting (time and place) definitely needs creativity.
II- Show, Don't Tell: You must SHOW your readers what is happening rather than just stating that “I saw a mutilated face. I was disgusted”. Telling is a much more uninteresting way of presenting things. However, as this does basically come under description, I won’t go on about it much more. Just, don’t state, in that dull, blunt, “in-your-face” kind of way. It’s not good. Be more subtle.
I can appreciate the fact that you tried to keep the whole cigarette thing vague and so you chose different names for it. But it worked against you and came out as confusing and awkward. Sometimes simple is better. More is less at times, yes?
II- Emotions: Again, falls under description, but I thought I’d add it too. There are many places - if not all the places in the story - where I don’t have a clue what your character is feeling. I think I pointed out enough things in the line-by-line critiques. His feelings make us empathize with him. Otherwise, he may as well not exist to us.
Another point I'd like to make is that emotions here are something you should be focusing on because I believe it's what makes him unique. Especially that the kind of piece you are writing is basically like a poem as far as what's crucial. Imagery, emotions, description, and good phrasing are very important here as they are what attract the reader to pieces like this. You don't have a plot to compensate (mind that I am not saying this as a bad thing, just saying that with the lack of plot in this kind of pieces, you have to focus on all the other aspects to enrich it).
III- Tone: As I mentioned above in the line-by-line critique, tone is important. The tone of a literal work is the writer's attitude toward his or her audience and subject. The tone can often be described as a single adjective, such as formal or informal, serious or playful, bitter or ironic. Unfortunately, I didn't feel anything while reading this part of the story. Usually, the writer's tone affects the reader's mood. That didn't work for me here. I felt nothing. I was just reading words on a screen. I wasn't reading the character's thoughts or feelings.
That's what I have to say for now. Let me know if this was helpful. The idea is good. It just needs polishing. I would love to read the edited version of it. Hope it was motivating for you.
If you have any questions, drop me a visitor message or a private message anytime. I'd be more than happy to help.
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