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Old 09-05-2017, 07:34 AM View Post #1 (Link) My B
HawaiianParadise (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.
Posts: 18
Points: 6.89
Times Thanked: 0
So, this is inspired by a real experience. B's my sister, and she is absolutely adorable. We have a friendly challenge in our house to be the one B's most devoted to. I'm definitely out of the competition (haha) because she is utterly devoted to Dad, which is what this song is about.


I watch her as she strides down the sidewalk
Curls blowing in the wind
And I wonder
Why can't she be my B?
Or at least my friend?

But she walks on and I'm lost in thought
Wondering over and over
Why can't she be my B?
Is she someone else's forever?

Why can't she be my B
Am I really that bad?
Why won't she look at me
The way she looks at Dad?
With awe and admiration
But all that I get
Is a push and a shove in the wrong direction
And a parting hit

I wonder
What's the point of all this?
If she's not my B?
I wonder
What's the point of living?
Without my sweet B?

But she walks on and I'm lost in thought
Wondering over and over
Why can't she be my B?
Is she someone else's forever?

Why can't she be my B?
Am I really that bad?
Why won't she look at me
The way she looks at Dad?
With awe and admiration
But all that I get
Is a push and a shove in the wrong direction
And a parting hit

B, you know I love you
At least, I hope you do
Why do you turn away from me?
Please

Why won't you be my B?
Am I really that bad?
Why won't you look at me
The way you look at Dad?
With awe and admiration
But all that I get
Is a push and a shove in the wrong direction
And a parting hit
And a parting hit
  
						Last edited by HawaiianParadise; 09-05-2017 at 07:49 AM.
					
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Old 09-07-2017, 10:52 PM View Post #2 (Link) Review
WordWizard (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 19
Points: 7.38
Times Thanked: 4
I really like the poem. I can feel the emotion. I felt that it was a little bit too repetitive. I would've liked to see some more verses.
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