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Old 05-16-2018, 06:11 PM View Post #1 (Link) 500 story for school
Rebekah (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 47
Points: 30
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Hey guys, please can you critique this story ASAP as it痴 for a 500 word competition at school.
Thanks,
Rebekah
覧覧覧覧覧-
It was late. We were late. I never knew how long it would take to help put the football gear away. Oh well, I won稚 be doing that again. 笛as, let痴 take a shortcut, Lucy called, whilst already walking down the passage. 的知 not sure we should, I replied sticking to the main road. But Lucy had her own ideas. She ran back to me , grabbed my arm and before I knew it, we were walking down an overgrown footpath, hoping to be home quickly. Suddenly, Lucy stopped. 展hat is it? I asked, 努hy have you stopped? Lucy was gasping, unable to say a word so just pointed. I followed her finger and there, in front of us loomed a house. A derelict house. A neglected house. Or in Lucy痴 mind an adventure!

鏑et痴 go inside! She said excitedly.
哲o! I protested, 的 don稚 want too. But Lucy didn稚 care. She was already in what once was the front garden. Reluctantly, I followed.

Light was limited. Blankets of fog tucked up the sun, making visibility scarce. I turned on my phone torch, this made it easier to negotiate the weeds, but not much. It was getting darker and Lucy had gone inside. I checked the time 7:15. I had to get home. 鏑ucy! I called. No response. 鏑ucy! This sounded slightly more stressed, 鏑UCY! Still no reply. She痴 ok, I told myself. It痴 going to be fine. I tried to believe myself bit I couldn稚. Fear enveloped me. However much I hated it, I was going to have to go inside.

I started to creep towards the house. The finer details became more obvious: the tarnished metal designs; the rotting wooden beams and the broken glass in the windows. This house was abandoned. Why? This house hadn稚 been looked after. Why? I was walking towards all of these mysteries! WHY?! I still couldn稚 see Lucy. I was itching to get out of here but I wasn稚 going to leave without my best friend. SNAP! I turned and studied the garden. Nothing. I wasn稚 convinced.

I panicked and without thinking, ran into the house. The damp smell overwhelmed me as I entered. Walking was hard with all of the broken floorboards, running was even harder. My footsteps echoed around the room, bouncing off the bare walls. 鏑ucy! My call also echoed. 鏑ucy! Echoed again. But it didn稚 sound like me. It sounded lower and I知 pretty sure echoes didn稚 have their own breath. Then it dawned on me. I started to sweat. I wanted to move but it was like I was glued to the spot. I screamed, but no sound left my mouth. That was no ordinary echo, it was another voice, another pair of feet, another person. We weren稚 alone.

My blazer was already ripped and my hands were already scratched I didn稚 need any more battle scars. When I got home there were going to be consequences. Big ones. But right now I had more pressing concerns.
__________________
Rebekah

Have A Great Day!
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Old 06-12-2018, 03:26 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Mimi12 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Points: 10.76
Times Thanked: 1
Originally Posted by Rebekah View Post
Hey guys, please can you critique this story ASAP as it痴 for a 500 word competition at school.
Thanks,
Rebekah
覧覧覧覧覧-
It was late. We were late. I never knew how long it would take to help put the football gear away. Oh well, I won稚 be doing that again. 笛as, let痴 take a shortcut, Lucy called, whilst already walking down the passage. 的知 not sure we should, I replied sticking to the main road. But Lucy had her own ideas. She ran back to me , grabbed my arm and before I knew it, we were walking down an overgrown footpath, hoping to be home quickly. Suddenly, Lucy stopped. 展hat is it? I asked, 努hy have you stopped? Lucy was gasping, unable to say a word so just pointed. I followed her finger and there, in front of us loomed a house. A derelict house. A neglected house. Or in Lucy痴 mind an adventure!

鏑et痴 go inside! She said excitedly.
哲o! I protested, 的 don稚 want too. But Lucy didn稚 care. She was already in what once was the front garden. Reluctantly, I followed.

Light was limited. Blankets of fog tucked up the sun, making visibility scarce. I turned on my phone torch, this made it easier to negotiate the weeds, but not much. It was getting darker and Lucy had gone inside. I checked the time 7:15. I had to get home. 鏑ucy! I called. No response. 鏑ucy! This sounded slightly more stressed, 鏑UCY! Still no reply. She痴 ok, I told myself. It痴 going to be fine. I tried to believe myself bit I couldn稚. Fear enveloped me. However much I hated it, I was going to have to go inside.

I started to creep towards the house. The finer details became more obvious: the tarnished metal designs; the rotting wooden beams and the broken glass in the windows. This house was abandoned. Why? This house hadn稚 been looked after. Why? I was walking towards all of these mysteries! WHY?! I still couldn稚 see Lucy. I was itching to get out of here but I wasn稚 going to leave without my best friend. SNAP! I turned and studied the garden. Nothing. I wasn稚 convinced.

I panicked and without thinking, ran into the house. The damp smell overwhelmed me as I entered. Walking was hard with all of the broken floorboards, running was even harder. My footsteps echoed around the room, bouncing off the bare walls. 鏑ucy! My call also echoed. 鏑ucy! Echoed again. But it didn稚 sound like me. It sounded lower and I知 pretty sure echoes didn稚 have their own breath. Then it dawned on me. I started to sweat. I wanted to move but it was like I was glued to the spot. I screamed, but no sound left my mouth. That was no ordinary echo, it was another voice, another pair of feet, another person. We weren稚 alone.

My blazer was already ripped and my hands were already scratched I didn稚 need any more battle scars. When I got home there were going to be consequences. Big ones. But right now I had more pressing concerns.
The detail of the story was very good! I could imagine I was there in the house with Jas! please submit more work!
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Old 06-12-2018, 03:36 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Mimi12 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Points: 10.76
Times Thanked: 1
The story was very detailed and I could imagine the scene very well.I felt Like I was in the story with Jas and Lucy! Please write more stories like this! As good as it was could you give more details about the time in the setting? If I already left a comment sorry about that:/.But please write more!
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Old 06-19-2018, 08:20 AM View Post #4 (Link)
LisaSmith (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 11
Points: 5.49
Times Thanked: 0
totally amazing story for the school.
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Old 07-08-2018, 04:17 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Holden (Offline)
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
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It grabbed my attention to say the least. I was reminded of the ancient Greek cyclops who could mimic voices to draw unsuspecting travellers into their lairs. When you said "making visibility scarce." I believe it would make more sense if you simply said "I couldn't see very far." or "making it harder to see." To quote George Orwell who has an excellent set of writing rules: Never use a long word where a short one will do. Something like "limited visibility" sounds pretentious, when you could more easily say "hard to see."
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