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Old 12-21-2017, 02:51 AM View Post #1 (Link) Hear Me
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Light pours into my eyes, and I知 forced to speak
I croak my own sound, quiet at first, then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation, spilling out of me, into their ears,
When I finish, there痴 silence,
The kind of shunning silence, where your blood runs cold
A thousand eyes stare at me, and hate me for my own voice, my own words,
I hide in the corner, and pretend to be gone,
So from now on, my sound is dead
I do not speak, I do not wish to
My mouth has been sewn shut, I only mumble what society has taught me
And I forget my sound, a thousand birds inside me die
And I知 quiet, as quiet as can be
Then, they tell me to speak
They tell me to speak my own words to speak my own sound
I find only that I forgot how,
What was once instinct is now gone,
Buried somewhere far beneath me, to an area I will never reach
Because a part of me is afraid to
What will they say, if they hear me?
  
						Last edited by JazzyRae; 12-21-2017 at 03:08 AM.
					
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Old 03-21-2018, 11:37 PM View Post #2 (Link)
isabelb (Offline)
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Light pours into my eyes, and I知 forced to speak Perhaps it's just stylistic, but I always think it's better to not use short forms in poetry. So, in this case, 'I am forced to speak'. I think, especially here, it serves to pack a little more punch to the opening line as well.
I croak my own sound, quiet at first, then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation, spilling out of me, into their ears, While this works as a longer sentence to reflect the 'crescendo', I think there are too many commas and it would be effective to split this line. It would look better on a page too. Perhaps after 'I croak my own sound, quiet at first // then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation // spilling out of me, into their ears,'
When I finish, there痴 silence, This line should end with either a full-stop or a colon.
The kind of shunning silence, where your blood runs cold Another full-stop or other punctuation needed at the end of this line.
A thousand eyes stare at me, and hate me for my own voice, my own words, Same here.
I hide in the corner, and pretend to be gone,
So from now on, my sound is dead This is really lovely imagery.
I do not speak, I do not wish to Full-stop here.
My mouth has been sewn shut, I only mumble what society has taught me Love this line!
And I forget my sound, a thousand birds inside me die This image perhaps needs a little more explanation.
And I知 quiet, as quiet as can be Full-stop here.
Then, they tell me to speak Comma is not needed here.
They tell me to speak my own words to speak my own sound
I find only that I forgot how, This line would read better as "I find only that I have forgotten how to'.
What was once instinct is now gone,
Buried somewhere far beneath me, to an area I will never reach Full-stop here.
Because a part of me is afraid to Punctuation needed here. I think a colon would be best.
What will they say, if they hear me?Lovely ending.


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Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. The imagery is lovely and really enhances the very relatable feelings expressed in the poem to make it really very powerful. My main critique of Hear Me would be its punctuation. It is slightly hard to follow at points because of the lack of sentence endings. I found myself having to reread lines as I was going through it to try and work out where one thought ended and another began and thus it did not quite flow as well as it could. But the contents is really nice-- well done on a beautiful poem!
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Old 05-03-2018, 12:05 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Rushmore9816 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by JazzyRae View Post

Light pours into my eyes, and I知 forced to speak
I'm assuming you're reaching for vibrant imagery here but I think you saddled your opening line with a cliched phrase "Light pours into my eyes." Instead of only giving us the object light describe it in ways that the reader can infer what you're describing. It might make the opening more interesting. And I agree with the last reviewer. Avoid contractions.
I croak my own sound, quiet at first, then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation, spilling
I love the use of the word croak. But I think you could have said "I croaked" rather than I croaked my own sound
out of me, into their ears,
When I finish, there痴 silence,
The kind of
shunning silence, where your blood runs cold that runs your blood cold
If poetry is about being concise, I don't think having a subsequent line further describe the preceding line is a good idea. You could have just started with shunning silence. Also in any form of writing avoid passive voice.
A thousand eyes stare at me, and hate me for my own voice, my own words,
Be specific. All of this too broad. Stared? How did they stare? Hate? Describe the hate with imagery or similies or metaphors. My voice? My words? You're writing this for an audience who doesn't know you or your subject. You have to give enough information for them to learn about them.

I hide in the corner, and pretend to be gone,
So from now on, my sound is dead
I do not speak, I do not wish to
My mouth has been sewn shut, I only mumble what society has taught me
I think knowing you know mumble we could infer that the character can no longer speak
And I forget my sound, a thousand birds inside me die
I found this to be trite
And I知 quiet, as quiet as can be
Quiet how? Helps to be specific
Then, they tell me to speak
They tell me to speak my own words to speak my own sound
I find only that I forgot how,
What was once instinct is now gone,
Buried somewhere far beneath me, to an area I will never reach
Because a part of me is afraid to
What will they say, if they hear me?
I feel there are two camps. What people think poetry should be and what poetry actually is. And the thing that some people think poetry should be is intentionally vague; I feel that's what you're doing here. Yes, you don't need to be 100% direct but you have to give enough to your reader that they don't know what the poem is about right away and in the process of ascertaining it they impart their own feelings, memories, etc on it. I felt this poem was intentionally vague, shapeless, muddled, and used broad, generic language. There's an idea here but you have to work on the mechanics of creative writing to make your creative voice speak loudly. Use specific language describe moods, feelings, rather than stating them. Remember this poem is written for an audience so don't just write for yourself.
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Old 06-03-2018, 08:50 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Thank you both for the advice. I will try to put it to use in future writings. I'm glad you both took the time to read it and critique.
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