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Old 07-09-2018, 11:02 AM View Post #1 (Link) Ten-speed
Holden (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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He's a queer young man. Living only with his mother, everyday he wakes up on time.
Quietly he steps downstairs cautious not to disturb her. Quieter still he creeps out the door, into the morning sun and onto his ten-speed.

He holds his bike dearly close. He values it more than his mother, even himself.
Nimbly he swings his legs into place - too proud for a helmet - and begins to cycle.
The sound of shifting gears is to him like the flutter of a stack of cash to a greedy banker. He spends his nine-to-five thinking not about home, but getting there.

All he asks for is an opportunity to ride his bicycle to work and back and so he does. Each day down the stairs, out the door and onto the ten-speed. Down the stairs, out the door and onto the ten-speed.

But one morning he is not careful enough down the stairs and up his mother rises. She tells him off, chiding fairly, but he doesn't understand. Overreacting, he is appalled by how little a chance he has to prove himself to her.

Consistently he'd get up and be so careful not to stir her. He never got anything out of it; no 'thank you' or 'good morning.' Yet one mistake and here she is, scolding him. Surging to scarlet he hurls himself bitterly out the door onto his bike. Too angry to enjoy himself, he does not notice the shifting gears or ergonomic handlebars. He thinks how pathetic it is to care so much for such a stupid little machine.

It was anger - not pride - which forgot his helmet.
Anger devoted his attention to hate for himself and his mother.
Anger distracted him his bicycle.
Never noticing the road.
He never noticed the car coming closer.
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Old 07-14-2018, 07:54 AM View Post #2 (Link) My critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Holden,

I think this is a very good story and contains a good strong message. I have got some improvements as well to make that bit more amazing.

He's a queer young man. Living only with his mother.Everyday he wakes up on time.
Quietly, he steps downstairs cautious not to disturb her. Quieter still he creeps out the door, into the morning sun and onto his ten-speed. A good strong start and I like how it’s short sentences and creates a sense of mystery.

He holds his bike dearly close. He values it more than his mother, even himself.
Nimbly, he swings his legs into place - too proud for a helmet - and begins to cycle.
The sound of shifting gears is to him like the flutter of a stack of cash to a greedy banker. He spends his nine-to-five thinking not about home, but getting there. This part is written very well. I like the use of a simile and how you added in the “too proud for helmet” part as it’s suttely adds in important information.

All he asks for is an opportunity to ride his bicycle to work and back and so he does. Each day down the stairs, out the door and onto the ten-speed. Down the stairs, out the door and onto the ten-speed. I like the repetition sentences at the end of this part, but I don’t see the point of the first bit as it doesn’t add to the story. Maybe something like “All he wants is to do is ride his bike, so he does.” Or “The only thing he wants to do is ride his bike. So he does.”

But one morning he is not careful enough down the stairs and up his mother rises. She tells him off, chiding fairly, but he doesn't understand. Overreacting, he is appalled by how little a chance he has to prove himself to her. Consistently he'd get up and be so careful not to stir her. He never got anything out of it; no 'thank you' or 'good morning.' Yet one mistake and here she is, scolding him. Surging to scarlet he hurls himself bitterly out the door onto his bike. Too angry to enjoy himself, he does not notice the shifting gears or ergonomic handlebars. He thinks how pathetic it is to care so much for such a stupid little machine. You don’t the. The paragraph break, it works better without it.

It was anger - not pride - which forgot his helmet.
Anger devoted his attention to hate for himself and his mother.
Anger distracted him his bicycle.
Never noticing the road.
He never noticedNever noticing the car coming closer. Putting “never noticing” again adds to the tension. But I love how you ended it on a cliff hanger.

I hope you found that useful and keep writing- I can’t wait to read more of your work.
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Rebekah

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