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Old 01-07-2010, 07:39 PM View Post #1 (Link) Random Script for Project....plz edit :)
truthseeker (Offline)
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I wrote this for my Media class, it defenitely needs some work, but the base is there ( I think) . Please comment and feel free to be harsh in your critism. I really want to improve it

Snively: Evil man, relatively dim-witted, is trying to take over the world.
Beholta: Snively’s side kick, has narcolepsy
Nick: Secret Agent/Spy
Melanie: Nick’s assistant, particularly nerdy & clumsy

Hand coming up with a “gun” (water gun),
(Evil laughter, a woman screams, then the gun goes off….)
SCREEN FADES:
IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
Snively is sitting at a desk staring at the computer intensely, Beholta sleeping beside…

(Snively tilts back in chair laughing evilly)





Snively:

“Muah hahahaha haha…..”




(Beholta snores loudly, Snively turns and hit Beholta to wake him up…)
Snively:
“Can’t you stay awake for five minutes? Seriously, James Bond never had this problem…..”

Beholta:

“Um, James Bond didn’t need an assistant….”

(Snively pauses, then goes to slap Beholta, stops….)

Snively:
“Don’t test my patience……I just killed the most powerful person in the world…..”

CUT TO:
SECRET AGENT’S OFFICE/HIDING SPOT
Nick is sitting in a dark room relaxing; Melanie is beside him on her laptop.

Melanie:
“Nick, there’s a problem….”

(Melanie turns and looks at Nick, pushing her glasses up….)


Nick:
“You have more than one…..”



(Nick turns to Melanie, grinning in amusement)

Melanie:
“Nick…I’m serious, Snively killed the princess…”

Nick:
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!”




(Nick bursts into tears and shot goes slow motion as “whatcha say” plays in the background)



Melanie:
“Pull yourself together, we’ve got work to do….”



Nick:
(cheesily)
“Princess, you will not have died in vain….”


CUT TO:

IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
(Snively celebrating his “victory”)





Snively:
“I’M THE MOST POWERFULL MAN IN THE WORLD!”


(Snively laughs evilly with success)

See Melanie and Nick sneak in, dressed in all black while Snively is celebrating.

(Melanie Knocks over something)

Melanie:
“Oopsie”



(Beholta wakes up suddenly)

Beholta:
“What…what was that?...”



Snively:
“Be quiet! The eagle has been compromised!”

Beholta:
“Ooooh! An eagle ! I’ve always wanted to see one! And me without my camera!”


Snively:
“No you dimwit! The EAGLE has been compromised!”

(Beholta stares out window)
Beholta:
“I still don’t see the eagle….maybe I need binoculars or something…”


(reaches in bag for binoculars)

Snively:
“AGHHHH! NO! EAGLE! It’s code for our location being compromised! We have company!”
Beholta:
“Ohhh goodie ! Friends! I’m so excited! We can have tea and biscuits, I'll go put on the kettle..."
Snively:
“SHUT UP! Just be quiet and try not to get in the way!”

Beholta:
“oh…..ok….so you don't want me to put the kettle on?”
(Snively rolls eyes in discust)

(Snively hears rustling grabs baseball bat and walks towards boxes where he suspects Nick and Melanie are hiding)

Snively:
“Nice try, Ha, you thought you could fool me…well you were wrong!”
(Pushes away boxes and raises bat above his head, no one’s there)
Nick:
“AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Take this!”

(Nick pushes Snively onto the floor and hand cuffs him)


Nick:
“It’s over Snively….”


SCREEN STARTS FADING

Beholta:
“Oh LOOK! The Eagle! It’s so amazing! Thanks for letting me know Snively!”


Snively:
“GRRR!!!!”
  
						Last edited by truthseeker; 01-11-2010 at 01:28 AM.
					
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Old 01-11-2010, 01:10 AM View Post #2 (Link)
rana (Offline)
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Snively: Evil man, relatively dim-witted, is trying to take over the world.
Beholta: Snively’s side kick, has narcolepsy
Nick: Secret Agent/Spy
Melanie: Nick’s assistant, particularly nerdy & clumsy

Hand coming up with a “gun” (water gun),
(Evil laughter, a woman screams, then the gun goes off….)
SCREEN FADES:
IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
Snively is sitting at a desk staring at the computer intensely, Beholta sleeping beside…

(Snively tilts back in chair laughing evilly)





Snively:

“Muah hahahaha haha…..”




(Beholta snores loudly, Snively turns and hit Beholta to wake him up…)
Snively: “Can’t you stay awake for five minutes? Seriously, James Bond never had this problem…..”

Beholta: “Um, James Bond didn’t need an assistant….”

(Snively pauses, then goes to slap Beholta, stops….)

Snively:
“Don’t test my patience……I just killed the most powerful person in the world…..”

CUT TO:
SECRET AGENT’S OFFICE/HIDING SPOT
Nick is sitting in a dark room relaxing; Melanie is beside him on her laptop.

Melanie: “Nick, there’s a problem….”

(Melanie turns and looks at Nick, pushing her glasses up….)


Nick: “You have more than one…..”


(Nick turns to Melanie, grinning in amusement)

Melanie:
“Nick…I’m serious, Snively killed the princess…”

Nick:
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!”



(Nick bursts into tears and shot goes slow motion as “whatcha say” plays in the background)



Melanie: “Pull yourself together, we’ve got work to do….”


Nickcheesily) “Princess, you will not have died in vain….”


CUT TO:

IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB/ OFFICE
(Snively celebrating his “victory”)


Snively: “I’M THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!”


(Snively laughs evilly with success)

See Melanie and Nick sneak in, dressed in all black while Snively is celebrating.

(Melanie Knocks over something) What did she knock over?

Melanie: “Oopsie”


(Beholta wakes up suddenly)

Beholta: “What…what was that?...”



Snively: “Be quiet! The eagle has been compromised!”

Beholta: “Ooooh! An eagle ! I’ve always wanted to see one! And me without my camera!”


Snively: “No you dimwit! The EAGLE has been compromised!”

Beholta stares out the window

Beholta: “I still don’t see the eagle….maybe I need binoculars or something…”


(reaches in bag for binoculars)

Snively: “AGHHHH! NO! EAGLE! It’s code for our location being compromised! We have company!”
Beholta: “Ohhh goodie ! Friends! I’m so excited! We can have tea and biscuits, I'll go put on the kettle."

Snively: “SHUT UP! Just be quiet and try not to get in the way!”

Beholta: “oh ok, so you don't want me to put the kettle on?”

Snively rolls his eyes

(Snively hears rustling grabs baseball bat and walks towards boxes where he suspects Nick and Melanie are hiding)

Snively:
“Nice try, Ha, you thought you could fool me…well you were wrong!”

(Pushes away boxes and raises bat above his head, no one’s there)

Nick: “AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Take this!”

(Nick pushes Snively onto the floor and hand cuffs him)


Nick: “It’s over Snively….”


SCREEN STARTS FADING

Beholta: “Oh LOOK! The Eagle! It’s so amazing! Thanks for letting me know Snively!”

Snively: “GRRR!!!!”
Sorry it's probably not the best critique but I'm still learning. I added in a few things that I thought worked better, mainly just a few details that weren't present that helped me visualise what was happening.

I really like Beholta and I like the way you made his personality; very dim-witted indeed.

All in all I like the script and for me there are only minimal things that needed improvement, good job!
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Old 01-11-2010, 01:29 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
truthseeker (Offline)
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Originally Posted by rana View Post
Sorry it's probably not the best critique but I'm still learning. I added in a few things that I thought worked better, mainly just a few details that weren't present that helped me visualise what was happening.

I really like Beholta and I like the way you made his personality; very dim-witted indeed.

All in all I like the script and for me there are only minimal things that needed improvement, good job!
Thanks so much! That really helped! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I had to write it for a 2 minute short film for my media class and found it very amusing to write!
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Old 01-11-2010, 06:30 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Zachura (Offline)
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Originally Posted by truthseeker View Post
I wrote this for my Media class, it defenitely needs some work, but the base is there ( I think) . Please comment and feel free to be harsh in your critism. I really want to improve it

Snively: Evil man, relatively dim-witted, is trying to take over the world.
Beholta: Snively’s side kick, has narcolepsy
Nick: Secret Agent/Spy
Melanie: Nick’s assistant, particularly nerdy & clumsy

Hand coming up with a “gun” (water gun),
(Evil laughter, a woman screams, then the gun goes off….)
SCREEN FADES:
IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
Snively is sitting at a desk staring at the computer intensely, Beholta sleeping beside…

(Snively tilts back in chair laughing evilly)





Snively:

“Muah hahahaha haha…..”




(Beholta snores loudly, Snively turns and hit Beholta to wake him up…)
Snively:
“Can’t you stay awake for five minutes? Seriously, James Bond never had this problem…..”

Beholta:

“Um, James Bond didn’t need an assistant….” Haha. I like this Beholta guy.

(Snively pauses, then goes to slap Beholta, stops….)Wasn't Snively sitting beside Beholta? Would he have to go to slap him, when he only previous just turned to slap him?

Snively:
“Don’t test my patience……I just killed the most powerful person in the world…..”

CUT TO:
SECRET AGENT’S OFFICE/HIDING SPOT
Nick is sitting in a dark room relaxing; Melanie is beside him on her laptop.

Melanie:
“Nick, there’s a problem….”

(Melanie turns and looks at Nick, pushing her glasses up….)


Nick:
“You have more than one…..”



(Nick turns to Melanie, grinning in amusement)

Melanie:
“Nick…I’m serious, Snively killed the princess…”

Nick:
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!”




(Nick bursts into tears and shot goes slow motion as “whatcha say” plays in the background)

Haha, great. I can picture this guy really overdoing it. XD

Melanie:
“Pull yourself together, we’ve got work to do….”



Nick:
(cheesily)
“Princess, you will not have died in vain….”


CUT TO:

IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
(Snively celebrating his “victory”)





Snively:
“I’M THE MOST POWERFULL MAN IN THE WORLD!”


(Snively laughs evilly with success)

See Melanie and Nick sneak in, dressed in all black while Snively is celebrating.
(Melanie Knocks over something)

Melanie:
“Oopsie”
Does Nick and Melanie just stand there while Beholta wakes up?


(Beholta wakes up suddenly)

Beholta:
“What…what was that?...”



Snively:
“Be quiet! The eagle has been compromised!”

Beholta:
“Ooooh! An eagle ! I’ve always wanted to see one! And me without my camera!”


Snively:
“No you dimwit! The EAGLE has been compromised!”

(Beholta stares out window)
Beholta:
“I still don’t see the eagle….maybe I need binoculars or something…”


(reaches in bag for binoculars)

Snively:
“AGHHHH! NO! EAGLE! It’s code for our location being compromised! We have company!”
Beholta:
“Ohhh goodie ! Friends! I’m so excited! We can have tea and biscuits, I'll go put on the kettle...""put the kettle on."
Snively:
“SHUT UP! Just be quiet and try not to get in the way!”

Beholta:
“oh…..ok….so you don't want me to put the kettle on?”
(Snively rolls eyes in discust)

(Snively hears rustling grabs baseball bat and walks towards boxes where he suspects Nick and Melanie are hiding) Perhaps a better sound than rustling would be good here, or perhaps he sees the boxes moving slightly?

Snively:
“Nice try, Ha, you thought you could fool me…well you were wrong!”
(Pushes away boxes and raises bat above his head, no one’s there)
Nick:
“AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Take this!”

(Nick pushes Snively onto the floor and hand cuffs him)How about a little bitch fight? It just seems to easy pushing him on the floor, and where is Melanie during this?


Nick:
“It’s over Snively….”


SCREEN STARTS FADING

Beholta:
“Oh LOOK! The Eagle! It’s so amazing! Thanks for letting me know Snively!”Where is he seeing the eagle, and is there an eagle there?


Snively:
“GRRR!!!!”

I'm not sure this was helpful at all, and I didn't bother much about grammar, because I suck at finding typos, and focused more on the images missing, because some of the scenes seemed a little unclear when I read it. Also that you seem to forget about Melanie towards the end, and also I found the ending a little lacking. It's building up to be a grand finale, and Nick just pushes the guy on the floor and handcuffing him, but if that was the intention, you just do your thing.
Another thing I noticed, was that in the dialogue it's only Nick and Snively that's being named. Melanie and Beholta aren't called by their names at all, just a heads up.
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"I cry because other people are stupid, that makes me sad." Dr. Sheldon Cooper - The big bang theory.
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Old 01-30-2010, 02:06 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Rob (Offline)
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Originally Posted by truthseeker View Post
I wrote this for my Media class, it defenitely needs some work, but the base is there ( I think) . Please comment and feel free to be harsh in your critism. I really want to improve it I will be.

Snively: Evil man, relatively dim-witted, is trying to take over the world.Hmmm...
Beholta: Snively’s side kick, has narcolepsy
Nick: Secret Agent/Spy
Melanie: Nick’s assistant, particularly nerdy & clumsy

Hand coming up with a “gun” (water gun), Just put 'Hand coming up with water gun.' in brackets, it's action.
(Evil laughter, a woman screams, then the gun goes off….) Nice use of sound, although we could see the finger pull the trigger.
SCREEN FADES: FADE TO: (That's what I'd do.)
IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
Snively is sitting at a desk staring at the computer intensely, Beholta sleeping beside… Either put both as 'a' or both as 'the', preferably both as 'a'. Brackets needed.

(Snively tilts back in chair laughing evillyfull stop)





Snively:

“Muah hahahaha haha…..” No need for speech marks, and not much need for dialogue here, I think the 'laughing evilly' is enough.




(Beholta snores loudly, Snively turns and hit Beholta to wake him up…)
Snively:
“Can’t you stay awake for five minutes? Seriously, James Bond never had this problem…..” No need for speech marks.

Beholta:

“Um, James Bond didn’t need an assistant….” No need for speech marks, but nice wit.

(Snively pauses, then goes to slap Beholta, stops….) Doesn't really make too much sense. I'd have a beat. (Just put 'Beat', it's a pause to create tension if you didn't already know.) Then 'Snively goes to hit Beholta, then pauses.'

Snively:
“Don’t test my patience……I just killed the most powerful person in the world…..” No need for speech marks. No need for double ellipse either, three periods will do.

CUT TO:

Space needed.

SECRET AGENT’S OFFICE/HIDING SPOT
Nick is sitting in a dark room relaxing; You don't really need a semi-colon. A full stop will do. I never use semi-colons in script. Melanie is beside him on her laptop.

Melanie:
“Nick, there’s a problem….” No need for speech marks.

(Melanie turns and looks at Nick, pushing her glasses up….)


Nick:
“You have more than one…..” No need for more than an ellipse, no need for speech marks.



(Nick turns to Melanie, grinning in amusement)

Melanie:
“Nick…I’m serious, Snively killed the princess…” No speech marks.

Nick:
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!” I'm hoping this is a comedy for this. Also, in script, put a parenthetical of 'shouting' under Nick, and then on the next line, just put 'No!'




(Nick bursts into tears and shot goes slow motion as “whatcha say” plays in the background) That was just totally weird. Two things; a) 'shot goes slow motion' On my formatting program, this would just be done by clicking 'Shot' in the format thing, and writing 'Slow motion'. I don't know how to do it otherwise. More about formatting later. b) If you want music, you write, in the action 'Play Music. Name of Song - Artist of Song' Okay?



Melanie:
“Pull yourself together, we’ve got work to do….” No need for speech marks.



Nick:
(cheesily)
“Princess, you will not have died in vain….” No need for speech marks.


CUT TO:

IN SNIVELY’S CRIMINAL LAB OR OFFICE
(Snively celebrating his “victory”) How is he doing this? Give more detail.





Snively:
“I’M THE MOST POWERFULL MAN IN THE WORLD!” No speech marks, no capitals ( See above.)


(Snively laughs evilly with successfull stop)

See Melanie and Nick sneak in, dressed in all black while Snively is celebrating.

(Melanie knocks something over.)

Melanie:
“Oopsie” No need for speech marks.



(Beholta wakes up suddenly)

Beholta:
“What…what was that?...” No speech marks.



Snively:
“Be quiet! The eagle has been compromised!” No need for speech marks.

Beholta:
“Ooooh! An eagle ! I’ve always wanted to see one! And me without my camera!” No need for speech marks.


Snively:
“No you dimwit! The EAGLE has been compromised!” No need for speech marks, no need for capitals (See above) Use italics instead.

(Beholta stares out window)
Beholta:
“I still don’t see the eagle….maybe I need binoculars or something…” No need for speech marks.


(reaches in bag for binoculars) 'Beholta reaches in his bag for some binoculars.' is better.

Snively:
“AGHHHH! NO! EAGLE! It’s code for our location being compromised! We have company!” No speech marks. No capitals.
Space
Beholta:
“Ohhh goodiedeleted space! Friends! I’m so excited! We can have tea and biscuits, I'll go put the kettle on. Also, if Snively is interrupting Beholta here, have a dash - instead of an ellipse...
Space

Snively:
“SHUT UP! Just be quiet and try not to get in the way!”

Beholta:
Capital Oh…..ok….so you don't want me to put the kettle on?”
Space
(Snively rolls eyes in disgust)

(There is a russling sound and Snively grabs his baseball bat, creeping over to where the sound is coming from.)

Snively:
“Nice try, Ha, you thought you could fool me…well you were wrong!”
Space
(Snively pushes away some boxes and raises the bat above his head - Nothing's there.)
Space
Nick:
“AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Take this!” No Capitals.

(Nick pushes Snively onto the floor and hand cuffs him)


Nick:
“It’s over Snively….”


SCREEN STARTS FADING

Beholta:
“Oh LOOK! The Eagle! It’s so amazing! Thanks for letting me know Snively!”


Snively:
“GRRR!!!!”No capitals.
Nice ending, although the story was very fast paced and quite predictable.

I promised a harsh crit, so here it is...

Formatting - Google 'CeltX' and download it to guarantee good formatting.

Dialogue - No capitals, as I've noted. No speech marks, as I've noted, and quite clichéd dialogue in general, but that could've been purposeful for comedic effect?

Action - Need brackets everywhere, need names to show definitely who is doing said thing, and in places needed more detail on what is actually happening.

Scene Headings - Start with INT. or EXT. depending on whether the scene is inside (INT.) or outside (EXT.). Then the place, then the time of day.




I'll finish this later.
  
						Last edited by Rob; 01-30-2010 at 05:50 PM.
					
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Old 04-18-2012, 02:13 AM View Post #6 (Link)
kenzme (Offline)
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I do not have the patience to read a story and go through all the mistakes. But I do like to look at the scene and is a sentence clear and the plot. If I were you I would really check on how to write scripts, for quotation and such.Great storyline! Also the way you word some things is confusing. Like how does the assistant see the eagle or where is he looking. Be clear.
Hope this helps.
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:06 PM View Post #7 (Link)
Gyasi Myles (Offline)
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Might be too cartoonish for some, could add more action scenes
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