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Old 12-20-2007, 11:57 PM View Post #1 (Link) Battle Of The Shore
Freely (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
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NOTE:
This is my first time being on this site so i'm not all that comfortable.....heh.

Characters:
Marinda- who is cerenity's 1/2 sister.
Isabell-Cerenity's best friend.
Cerenity- Is a woman who is stubbern,romantic,but fights like a man.
Grey Heart-Cerenity's "parent killer". Her worst enemy. Her target.
Captain Lessie- A captain of the ship Gaydriel.
Wayde- Dysan's brother who falls in love with Cerenity before any one else,but it's secret. he doesn't tell her.
Dysan-A man who Cerenity fights often against. Becomes part of her army.

Battle Of The Shore

By:Hailey Kinsey aka: Freely

It was the coldest day ever as the clouds roll over the dark blue sea. I was stading at the cliff with her arms floded across her chest and her wild red hair waved with the wind. A storm was coming not the type of storm you think. A storm. A war. Where men fought sword to sword and arrows raining upon them. That is the very same storm that killed my mother and father! The very same brutal man who scliced their stomaches and stabbed their necks shall live in vain.......

Cerenity: Why would a person go around and kill peoples parents?

Isabell: No one can answer your question except for yourself. you have to find out on your own.......cerenity.

Cerenity:*looks down at her feet* I was about 3 at the time it happend......It was a summer day too........then.......*tears welled up in her eyes* then I heard the horses and shouts. We ran as fast as we could, but they surrounded us and they................-

Isabell: What did they do?

Cerenity: You know what they did, Isabell! They killed them! Sliced and stabbed while they could still stand! They are monsters and they don't deserve to live! especially........Greay Heart!
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Old 12-21-2007, 12:40 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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Ello...Freely

I'm Raffy. Maybe you should introduce yourself in the Newbs forum...it would be much better.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand...before I start critting...can you give us a little bit of info of the story you plan to convey...the more I know about it, the more I'll know how to crit it...

Anyhoo...yeah, consider this a crit ticket AND a welcome to YWO...

(Sorry for being so formal...)
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:11 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Eve (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Freely View Post
NOTE:
This is my first time being on this site so i'm not all that comfortable.....heh.

Characters:
Marinda- who is cerenity's 1/2 sister.
Isabell-Cerenity's best friend. (The proper spelling would be Isabelle but it's just me.)
Cerenity- Is a woman who is stubbern,romantic,but fights like a man.
Grey Heart-Cerenity's "parent killer". Her worst enemy. Her target.
Captain Lessie- A captain of the ship Gaydriel.
Wayde- Dysan's brother who falls in love with Cerenity before any one else,but it's secret. he doesn't tell her.
Dysan-A man who Cerenity fights often against. Becomes part of her army.

Battle Of The Shore

By:Hailey Kinsey aka: Freely

It was the coldest day ever as the clouds roll over the dark blue sea. I was standing at the cliff with her arms flooded across her chest and her wild red hair waved with the wind. A storm was coming, not the type of storm you think. A storm. A war.

This sentence is very halting, try to make it smoother. Try:
A storm was coming. Coming. Yet, it was not a real storm. It was a war.


Where men fought sword to sword and arrows raining upon them. That is the very same storm that killed [STRIKE][STRIKE]my[/STRIKE][/STRIKE] It would sound very strange if you put 'my' there. Mother and Father. The very same brutal man who sliced their stomaches and stabbed their necks shall live in vain.......

Shouldn't this be stabbed their stomachs and sliced their necks? And another thing, women are usually excluded from battles.


Cerenity: Why would a person go around and kill [STRIKE]people's[/STRIKE] parents?


This sounds like the enemies are trying to preserve the younger people and kill their parents just to bring them misery.

Try: Why would anyone want to go around, killing? How many people have died under their cruel lashes?


Isabell: No one can answer your question except[STRIKE] for yourself. [/STRIKE]you yourself.You have to find out on your own.......Cerenity.

Cerenity is a name so it should be capitalised.

Cerenity:*looks down at her feet* I was about 3 at the time it happened......

Sentence needs to bring out more emotion: I was only three that time...
The usage of 'that time' makes readers guess.


It was a summer day too........

What was so special about the summer day? Try: It was a summer day too... I never knew... Never dreamed...

then.......*tears welled up in her eyes* then I heard the horses and the shouts. We ran as fast as we could, but they surrounded us and they................-

Isabell: What did they do?

Cerenity: You know what they did, Isabell! They killed them!

This two sentences are very well written. It shows Cerenity's anger very well. Excellent!

Sliced and stabbed

This was used once. Try using different words.


while they could still stand! They are monsters and they don't deserve to live! especially........Gre[STRIKE]a[/STRIKE]y Heart!
Welcome to the site, Freely! That was not bad! As Raffy said, just lengthen it and tell us more about your story.
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Old 03-30-2008, 04:09 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Midnight_Moon (Offline)
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Freely,
It is really good. You have got me hooked, I got to the end of it and I was like, "Where's the next part?!?!" I hope you continue with it so everyone here at YWO can read the rest.
-Moon
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:33 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Gyasi Myles (Offline)
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Hey there Hailey, where's the rest of the story?
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