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Old 01-18-2018, 12:52 PM View Post #1 (Link) The girl in the woods- Chapter two
WriterKitty (Offline)
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The floor gave low creaks as I crept down the wooden stairs. I gripped hold of the handrail, fearing I might slip.

My extra large- blue jacket and the oversized, hand-me-down boots made my mission a super hard one.

I could see the front door, just a few steps away.

My first escape-mission was working pretty well and could almost smell the sweet smell of victory!

I could hear my mother snoring upstairs. She sounded like one of those cows in the country farm.

She always sleeps until late during the weekends.

I don't blame her, she works really hard during the other days. Bank work involves lots and lots of sheets filled with weird numbers. And I'm sure it gives her headaches.

After reaching the door, I took the key from the pale, blue flower pot on the windowsill.

It was one of the strange habits my dad used to follow after locking the door every night.

Even though dad's not here anymore, we still put the key in that pot. We carry on a lot of things he preferred to do. Mum says that way, he'll remain in our hearts forever. But I doubted it.

Clenching the ice-cold doorknob with one hand I slowly turned the key. To my relief, it opened with a single 'click'

I opened the door as slowly as possible, the cold morning air brushed past my face, sending a tingle up my spine.

It was a cloudy day, so the wind was a bit rough. I rushed outside, locking the door behind me.

I have to look after my mum, so I'm going to make my journey a quick one.

"SourBall, where are you?" I shouted at the top my lungs as I ran into the woods.

The woods were pretty close-by to our house. So I could get back home in a jiffy.

"SourBall!" I shouted again, rubbing my hands together to fight the cold.

SourBall never came back home after the birdie-incident. I waited for a week, but there was no sign of him. My mum didn't care too much about him, so I had to man up and look for him on my own.

"Watch'a doing, here again, silly boy?" A familiar voice made me stop dead in my tracks

I spun around, "You!" I shouted as the little girl walked towards me, smiling warmly.

"It's been awhile, I thought you'd never come back," She said, scratching her freckly nose.

"Where's SourBall!" I asked, trying my best to ask one question at a time.

She shrugged and raised both eyebrows, "I don't know, I haven't seen him around lately."

Her warm smile faded instantly and the color drained from her face, "Anyway, where's your mother?"
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Old 01-24-2018, 02:48 AM View Post #2 (Link) Keep Track of Your Thoughts
goodusername (Offline)
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Disclaimer: I enjoyed this section even more than the other, so please note that I'm happy to read it!

The primary thing I would change is the fact that you go off on tangents. You told me that the boy was walking out the door, and then you gave me descriptions of why his mother snores and the key is in the flower-pot. While these details can easily "pizazz" a story, they can create another problem. Your readers might forget what you were talking about beforehand.
If you wish to keep those short descriptions, I would consider adding them in a different way.
Try adding them when describing the mom, so it isn't off-topic:
"I was confronted by my mother again. She looked so mad that she wanted to cry, but how could I tell? Her eyes were always clouded with the stress and toil from working in the bank. I could've been rude to her, but I sympathized with her sorrow..."
You see where I'm going?
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Old 01-24-2018, 04:08 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
WriterKitty (Offline)
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I'm glad you enjoyed reading my story!!!

I can totally understand what you mean. ^-^ I'll fix that problem right away!
Thank you sooooo much for critiquing and reading my story.

I hope you have a wonderful day!
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