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Old 12-18-2017, 02:18 PM View Post #1 (Link) The girl in the woods- Chapter one
WriterKitty (Offline)
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My heart skipped at the sight of fresh blood. The strange metallic odor coming from it made me gag.

I was never a fan of blood and gore, the very sight of it made my whole body tingle. After all, I'm just seven years old.

With trembling, sweaty hands I slowly stroked the motionless body of the creature lying in front of me.

It's soft brown feathers brushed against my cold fingers. It gave out a faint chirp and I quickly took away my hand, fearing I might hurt it even more.

Despite my hatred for the sight of blood, I sat down beside it. The poor creature was injured because of me and my little mind told me that leaving it like this was not the best solution.

A gush of cold wind brushed past me and the trees around me gave a creepy rustle. Taking Sourball for a walk in the woods was the worst idea I've ever had.

If I stayed at home, nothing like this would've happened.

"What are you doing?"

I stood up, startled.

It took me another second to turn around and face my attacker.

It was a little girl. She didn't look any older me. Her crystal blue eyes were scanning me. She had a small pointy nose and her face was covered with freckles, lots and lots of freckles.

And her hair, it ran down to her knees. She looked a lot like Rapunzel!

"Why do you look so pale and scared?" She asked breaking into my thoughts. "You have no right to wander in the woods at this time of the day!"

She knotted her eyebrows, trying to scowl.

I shrugged, "There's nothing wrong about that..."

Her eyes widened, "Oh, but there is! You see little children get lost if they wander into the woods alone, little boy!"

"But, you're little too," I replied, frowning.

"I live in the woods." She said in a tone filled with triumphant as if she won a battle.

"Are you Rapunzel?" I dared to ask.

The girl broke into a giggle, "Kinda like that."

"Where's the tower, you're supposed to be trapped in there."

Before she could answer, the little bird gave another faint chirp.

"Oh no, what happened to poor birdie?" She asked with a gasp and rushed over towards the little creature.

I bit my lower lip, trying to forget how my cat attacked the bird just a few minutes ago.

"Oh, you poor little thing," the girl said in a soft voice as she slowly picked it up.

"Careful," I muttered, feeling slightly guilty about not doing anything to help birdie.

"Did you do this?" She snapped, cradling the bird in her arms.

"No-no..." I mumbled. What if she was a forest spirit like, in those fairy tales. She'd punish me for hurting her animals.

"Then, what happened?" She asked taking a step towards me.

"My-my cat...attacked birdie," I muttered. " I-I tried to stop Sourball, but he-he didn't listen." Tears filled up my eyes making my vision blurry.

"Your cat attacked birdie, and birdie's the one who got hurt." She said looking thoughtful. "Then, why are you the one crying? You didn't do anything."

I stared at her, "I cry because I'm sad!" I replied, getting pretty tired of all her questions.

The girl smiled, she came closer and patted me on the head, "silly boy, you can go home. I'll take care of birdie, I promise."

"Who-who are you?" I asked, wiping snot off my nose.

"I'm the girl in the woods, duh!" She said with a smile.

"But-"

"I have to go now," she replied, gently patting the bloody creature. Its blood was all over her light pink frock, but she didn't seem to mind it at all.

"Bye, Silly boy!" She said in a hurry and ran into the woods. That was when I noticed that she was barefoot. It looked strange.

I stood there, trying to figure out what just happened when a hand grabbed me firmly.

"Matthew Walker, what are you doing here all alone?" My mothers demanding voice pounded my ears.

"Is this blood on the ground?" her horrified voice made me cringe.

"What happened here, are you all right?" She asked bending down and shaking me hard.

"Sourball hurt a bird," I said tearing up again, "Sourball didn't mean to be mean, he-he..." I choked.

My mum hugged me, holding me tight against her. "Aww, sweetheart..."

Just then, I saw the girl peeking out from behind the huge trees nearby.

"Mum, look! That's the girl who told me that she'd help birdie," I said breaking free from her grasp.

"Which girl?" My mother asked looking around, confused.

"That girl mum, she's right there!" I said pointing my finger towards the bushes. Why can't she see her?

My mum brushed back a few strands of short brown hair from her face and glanced at me. "Matt, there's no one there."

"She's right there!" I said, marching towards the girl.

My mum stopped me halfway and dragged me by the hand,"come on, we're going home. Things like this happen when you spend too much time alone!"

"But she's right there!" I shouted trying to break free from her iron grip.

The girl was staring at me, tears brimming up her eyes. Birdie wasn't with her, and I could see that her hands were trembling.

"Mum, you made her cry!" I cried, trying my best to stop her.

"That is enough, Matthew!" She snapped, giving me a fiery glare. "There's no one there, and that's it, We're leaving!"

"But, Sourball..."

"He'll find his way back," She said in her usual stern tone. "You're not allowed to wander alone again, do you hear me?"

She asked without loosening her grip.

I nodded, glancing once more at the strange little girl.

She ran into the woods, and I doubted whether I'd see that mysterious girl again.
  
						Last edited by WriterKitty; 01-18-2018 at 12:53 PM.
					
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Old 12-26-2017, 08:36 AM View Post #2 (Link) My Critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi WriterKitty, I got your message and this is my critique, I hope it is helpful.

My heart skipped at the sight of fresh blood. The strange metallic odor odour coming from it made me gag.

I was never a fan of blood and gore, the very sight of it made my whole body tingle. Maybe try and join the points about blood and gore making the character gag and tingle so it isn't as repetitive. After all, I'm just seven years old.

With trembling, sweaty hands I slowly stroked the motionless body of the creature lying in front of me.

It's soft brown feathers brushed against my cold fingers. : it gave out a faint chirp and I quickly took away my hand, fearing I might hurt it even more.

Despite my hatred for the sight of blood, By now the reader knows about the character's hatred of blood, so it can get a bit repetitive. You could possibly just shorten it to Despite by hatred fear. I sat down beside it. The poor creature was injured because of me, and now my little mind told me that leaving it like this was not the best solution.

A gush of cold wind brushed past me and the trees around me gave a creepy rustle. Taking Sourball for a walk in the woods was the worst idea I've ever had. I like how you have just said 'Sourball', because until later, I thought I was a dog and I didn't know why it was your worst idea. Good work!

If I stayed at home, nothing like this would've happened.

"What are you doing?"

I stood up, startled. Good use of short sentences, they are very effective, especially in this situation.

It took me another second to turn around and face my attacker.

It was a little girl. She didn't look any older me. Her crystal blue eyes were scanning me. As you finished the sentence before with 'me', you could end it a different to save repeating 'me' too many times. For example 'my every move/ my current status. She had a small pointy nose and her face was covered with freckles, lots and lots of freckles.
And her hair, it ran down to her knees. She looked a lot like Rapunzel! Probably better without a gap.

"Why do you look so pale and scared?" she asked breaking into my thoughts, "You have no right to wander in the woods at this time of the day!"

She knotted her eyebrows, trying to scowl.

I shrugged, "There's nothing wrong about that..."

Her eyes widened, "Oh, but there is! You see little children get lost if they wander into the woods alone, little boy!"

"But, you're little too," I replied, frowning.

"I live in the woods," she said in a tone filled with triumphant as if she won a battle.

"Are you Rapunzel?" I dared to ask.

The girl broke into a giggle, "Kinda like that."

"Where's the tower, you're supposed to be trapped in there."

But/ however/etc. before she could answer, the little bird gave another faint chirp.

"Oh no, what happened to poor birdie?" she asked with a gasp and rushed over towards the little creature.

I bit my lower lip, trying to forget how my cat attacked the bird just a few minutes ago.

"Oh, you poor little thing," the girl said in a soft voice as she slowly picked it up.

"Careful," I muttered, feeling slightly guilty about not doing anything to help birdie.

"Did you do this?" she snapped, cradling the bird in her arms.

"No-no..." I mumbled. What if she was a forest spirit like, in those fairy tales? She'd punish me for hurting her animals.

"Then, what happened?" she asked taking a step towards me.

"My-my cat...attacked birdie," I muttered. " I-I tried to stop Sourball, but he-he didn't listen." Tears filled up my eyes making my vision blurry.

"Your cat attacked birdie, and birdie's the one who got hurt," she said looking thoughtful. "Then, why are you the one crying? You didn't do anything."

I stared at her, "I'm crying because I'm sad!" I replied, getting pretty tired of all her questions.

The girl smiled, she came closer and patted me on the head, "silly boy, you can go home. I'll take care of birdie, I promise."

"Who-who are you?" I asked, wiping snot off my nose.

"I'm the girl in the woods, duh!" she said with a smile.

"But-"

"I have to go now," she replied, gently patting the bloody creature. Its blood was all over her light pink frock, but she didn't seem to mind it at all. In this section, the words bloody and blood are practically next to each other. Maybe replace bloody with something like dying.

"Bye, silly boy!" she said in a hurry and ran into the woods. That was when I noticed that she was barefoot. It looked strange.

I stood there, trying to figure out what just happened when a hand grabbed me firmly.

"Matthew Walker, what are you doing here all alone?" my mother's demanding voice pounded my ears.

"Is this blood on the ground?" her horrified voice made me cringe.

"What happened here, are you all right?" she asked bending down and shaking me hard.

"Sourball hurt a bird," I said tearing up again, "Sourball didn't mean to be mean, he-he..." I choked.

My mum hugged me, holding me tight against her, "Aww, sweetheart..."

Just then, I saw the girl peeking out from behind the huge trees nearby.

"Mum, look! That's the girl who told me that she'd help birdie," I said breaking free from her grasp.

"Which girl?" my mother asked looking around, confused.

"That girl mum, she's right there!" I said pointing my finger towards the bushes. Why can't she see her?

My mum brushed back a few strands of short brown hair from her face and glanced at me, "Matt, there's no one there."

"She's right there!" I said, marching towards the girl.

My mum stopped me halfway and dragged me by the hand, "come on, we're going home. Things like this happen when you spend too much time alone!"

"But she's right there!" I shouted trying to break free from her iron grip.

The girl was staring at me, tears brimming up her eyes. Birdie wasn't with her, and I could see that her hands were trembling.

"Mum, you made her cry!" I cried, trying my best to stop her.

"That is enough, Matthew!" she snapped, giving me a fiery glare, "There's no one there, and that's it, We're leaving!"

"But, Sourball..."

"He'll find his way back," she said in her usual stern tone, "You're not allowed to wander alone again, do you hear me?"

She asked without loosening her grip.

I nodded, glancing once more at the strange little girl.

She ran into the woods, and I doubted whether I'd see that mysterious girl again.
-----------------------------------------------------------
WriterKitty, you have written an amazing story. I only have a few improvements and they are written in red or purple above, hopefully they are clear. The main thing, was speech just make sure you remember the rules of writing speech.
Overall, this was an amazing chapter 1 and I can't wait to read the rest!
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Rebekah

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Old 12-26-2017, 01:34 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
WriterKitty (Offline)
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Thank you so much for the Critique. It was really helpful and I'll be sure to make those corrections,
I hope you have a wonderful day!!!
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Old 01-03-2018, 10:12 PM View Post #4 (Link) Critique for "The Girl in the Woods"
Lovely Lioness (Offline)
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Hi! My name is Anna. I haven't critiqued anything on YWO yet, so please bear with me.

There were some grammar issues throughout, but I think Rebekah caught most of them. For me, the beginning is a little strange; when I first read it, it seemed like Matthew liked the smell of blood, but then I realized it was just worded strangely. Perhaps you could change the wording.
I think the little girl talks strangely also, like when she says: "I'm the girl of the woods, duh!". If the little girl grew up normally and recently ran away to the woods, I would understand, but if she has lived in the woods her whole life, she probably shouldn't be speaking that way, and it's a little strange when she talks like an adult and uses big words.
The mother's character is slightly inconsistent, like when she first finds Matthew, her voice is "demanding" and she "shakes him hard". But moments later, she hugs him and says; "Aww, sweetheart..." and immediately after she is back to her first self, holding his hand with an "iron grip" and snaps at him when he tries to show her something, and again, her "usual stern tone".
However, I love the way you create such a clear picture of everything around your characters and the characters themselves, like when you said, "Her crystal blue eyes were scanning me. She had a small pointy nose and her face was covered with freckles, lots and lots of freckles." I liked that because having a clear picture of the characters is crucial. (A little side note: you may want to describe how Matthew looks more. I didn't even know he was a boy until the girl said so!) I also like the way you capture the character's personalities, and I love the way the story is going, and the idea itself.
Overall, it is a good chapter with promising writing. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Anna

(P.S. Sorry I only posted half of the review at first, it was an accident.)
  
						Last edited by Lovely Lioness; 01-03-2018 at 10:43 PM.
					
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Old 01-05-2018, 08:42 AM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
WriterKitty (Offline)
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Thank you for critiquing my work!
The girl doesn't actually live in the woods even though she said so. I will reveal that in the future chapters.
Her mother's devious actions, is the way she was when she's worried of anxious. But, I agree about what you said. I'll make a few changes.
Thanks again!
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Old 01-06-2018, 01:37 AM View Post #6 (Link)
Lovely Lioness (Offline)
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Welcome!
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Old 01-24-2018, 02:29 AM View Post #7 (Link) More Vibrant Description?
goodusername (Offline)
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Disclaimer: I totally find your story to be good and am excited to read the Chapter 2 you have posted. However, I think you can add some things.

The primary thing I thought of when reading this is what kind of forest it was: "Does it have pines or birch? Is it a rainforest? Are there bushes and foliage on the ground? Is your character, Matthew, afraid of the woods?" Those questions could influence how your story is perceived.

Consider adding something to this avail:
"Suddenly, my eyes jumped from the bird up to an ominous that filled the trees. A gust of wind shook the boney aspen trees and created a flutter of leaves above my head. I took a step backward and my ankle collided with a small bush. That was when I found the culprit that had made the noise...."
I think you get the point.

Otherwise, you're doing pretty well.
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Old 04-02-2018, 05:44 PM View Post #8 (Link)
Ava (Offline)
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Hi WriterKitty

a great start, I liked it a lot.
The story starts right at the first line and it makes me really curious. A lot of questions popped up in my head wich makes me want to read the rest of the story.
There ain't a lot of description first and that makes it fun to read and intriguing.
Only thing that made my a little confused was the fact that is wasn't clear that it was a boys thinking. I only understood that when the girl said it.
I'm not english so I've no idea how the grammar was but I saw that someone else already looked at it.
Great start anyway! I'm surely gonna read the rest of your story
Ava
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Old 04-20-2018, 08:31 AM View Post #9 (Link)
lazlo92 (Offline)
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I do like your writing much, but is there any other place where I can read some of yours? To read such long-read pieces on the forum is too painful for my eyes
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