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Old 01-10-2018, 12:51 AM View Post #1 (Link) A Summer Place
wkamen (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
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Summer was gone, fall was in full color
I woke up to the sound of a cold rain
Wrapped in a memory as tears grip my face
Like raindrops hugging the window pane

Pre-Chorus
An image embedded in my head
still remains and keeps coming back
Keeps coming back in a song, a summer place
Chorus
Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

I go back to when I first saw you
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
On that lonely stretch of sand
I caught your glance, and got lost in your eyes
You said hi and in that moment, I was captured
I found a love for me hidden in the sand

I go back to when we walked together
Barefoot in the sand, hand in hand
We stopped at the water’s edge
The soft sensuous touch of the breeze
embraced us and we had our first dance
listening to the song a summer place


I go back to when we were sitting
On that lonely shore, the sun dipping
Into the sea, the scent of jasmine
Filling our senses, we got high,
Then we kissed. In that moment,
I knew we belonged together

I didn’t want this day to end
I didn’t want this day to ever ever end


Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
  
						Last edited by wkamen; 01-26-2018 at 02:27 AM.
					
					 Reason: Revision
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Old 01-14-2018, 08:17 PM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
Lovely Lioness (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: With Aslan
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The way that this begins, a rainy day, is different than the "summer place" that the poem talks about after, and I would like to see more lines about it, describing how he felt in contrast to how he felt on the beach.
It would be good to have some punctuation to clarify it, such as:

I think about that song,
a summer place,
and picture you and me on that beach.
Looking back on the memory
When I first saw you,
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
on a lonely stretch of sand

Sometimes it's appropriate to have commas, sometimes not. Whichever way it looks best is probably the way you should go.
However, when writing a poem, language is everything, and the way you described the rain and the beach really made me feel like I was there, watching it. I loved the way you described the sunset giving life to the day, and the line you typed twice:

Every time I hear that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

It really is the lifeblood of the poem, and the way the rhythm goes makes me think the poem could be a song. And even though it doesn't exactly rhyme, it sounds just right and really is the best poem I've read in a long time. I hope you keep writing and write many more lovely poems!
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