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Old 12-12-2016, 01:00 AM View Post #1 (Link) Unlucky 13's
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Sean glanced up at me from his work. His blue eyes sparkling as always, his pearly white teeth glinting just right. He was perfect. As always. Seeing the sparkles directed at me, made it clear I've made the right decision. Just as every time I look at him, it brought me all the way back to two years ago.
I stared up at the ceiling and sighed. I've woken up again. I was hoping to stay in a dream, and once again, hoping failed me. I got up and walked over to my dresser, my bare feet squishing the carpet. I peered in the contents of a drawer, and by doing so, stubbed my small toe on the dresser leg, hard. I scowled softly at the throbbing of my toe. Out of my dresser, I grabbed my black cami and black leggings. I pulled them on and checked myself in the mirror, I was already late, I could just feel it. I saw my dark black hair in a matted mess on the top of my head. I felt something scrambling up there. I reached up and pulled out a big black rat. To everyone else, this would have come as a shock, to me, it was a mere nuisance. Nothing ever went right for me. Ever. It's because of my birthday. I was born on Friday the 13th. And tomorrow is my 13th birthday. You can imagine how excited I am.
Sighing, I opened my window and set the rat gently on the ground. I grabbed my old comb from the top of my dresser and tugged at my hair, fighting a losing battle. Finally, I gave up and tossed on an old baseball cap, I couldn't afford anything better. I grabbed my backpack and walked out of my room, through the kitchen, out of the house. Just in time to see the bus leave without me. My head dropped to my chest. I thought of chasing the bus, but that never worked. Even without my bad luck. I started to walk. Then, I realized I forgot to put on shoes. 'What a morning this was shaping up to be.' I thought and knew I was going to be late, again.
Back at the house, I put on my shoes and sulked out the door. It didn't matter how much I hurried, I wasn't going to get to class on time. Skipping crossed my mind. I pondered it for second, but then realizing I was being ridiculous, I kept sulking. The number thirteen followed me everywhere. In the sidewalk cracks, doodles on the desk, math problems, you get the idea. By the time I got home, I was exhausted, as usual. My parents were both working late, as usual. I got into bed and picked up the book I was reading. I wished I could be in there instead. Then, I fell asleep with the book on my face.
My fifth alarm went off, telling me it was time to get up. I repeated my daily routine, with stubbing toes and animals in my hair. My parents were already off to work and skipping once again crossed my mind, this time, I pondered it longer. I could pretend to be my parents and call in sick, or I could do nothing at all. Because it hardly caused me any trouble at the time, I called in "sick". I laid on the couch, sagging from use. One of my parents often slept out here, when they did actually sleep. Very soon I was bored. I needed to buy a few groceries, and my closet could use some extending, pretty much clothing item I owned, was either a hand-me-down I never touched, or black clothing I bought myself the one time I ever got money to spend for myself. Grabbing the two 50 dollar bills my parents kept hidden underneath the untouched china, I walked out the door. Once again, I forgot my shoes.
I scanned the aisles of canned foods alone until someone bumped into me. Or, I somehow bumped into him rather.
"Sorry," I said instinctively without looking up.
"No problem," Said a male voice.
To be honest, it scared me. I looked up, also slightly curious.
"Thireasea!" He exclaimed, "I never thought of seeing you here!"
I was mesmerized by him. My expression must have looked it.
"I'm sorry for shocking you, but please, before you go answer me this, when is your birthday?"
Still a little shaken, I replied his weird request, "Friday the thirteenth." I felt like I need to return the odd question, so I asked, "What about you?"
"July 7th." He told me, grinning.
Of course, it was. Now remembering him, I thought about it, he was the exact opposite of me. He was the luckiest person in the world. Great house, great parents, great friends, great grades. He already had a car and he wasn't even allowed drive yet! My response to that was jealousy, disgust. But, I could not really feel those emotions looking at his face.
"Later." He said like this was the most normal interaction in the world.
I stood there, shocked. I mindlessly finished gathering canned vegetables and soups and checked out. I walked through the door, waiting for the monitors to beep, even though I paid for everything, and it didn't. I thought gratefully that it was broken and moved on. I walked all the way home and didn't trip on a single crack, or dent any of the cans so much the contents spilled out of it. The rest of my day went on well like that. But, I just could not stop thinking of Sean at the grocery store. He was contagious, everyone knew that, but, he seemed to have a special effect on me. It could just be him, working his magic, though. But still, it nagged at me the entire rest of the night and day, I had to see him again. The next morning I got dressed and didn't find an animal in my hair or stub my toe on the dresser. I got to the kitchen realizing I haven't eaten in a really long time, and that I forgot to put away the groceries. Putting them away, I noticed a small paper underneath the receipt, a phone number. It was probably an advertisement or something, but out of curiosity, I called it. It rang once and a voice picked up.
"Hello?"
It was Sean.
"Hi. This is Thireasea." I said amazed.
"Hi, Triple." He responded.
I was taken aback, no one called me that before.
"Want to meet up later?" He continued.
"Uh... sure." I was obviously new at this, I could tell it showed in my voice.
"Great, meet you at the grocery store at 4 tonight." And he hung up.
I set the phone down and looked at the clock. 9:30, I needed to start getting ready.
An hour and a half later, I met Sean there. He walked me down the road to a restaurant. He bought me the most expensive thing on the menu, while I sat there looking rather foolish, picking at it. He handed me a necklace. Made with real diamonds. I didn't know what to say. So, I stared at it. My face conveying the shock I felt. He was full of surprises. He always was. So, now we're 16 and we survived my 13th year together as complicated and unlucky it was, I knew I wasn't entirely unlucky because I have Sean and always will.
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Old 12-15-2016, 09:04 PM View Post #2 (Link) Reply to 'Unlucky 13's"
kayleeamber8899 (Offline)
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I admire your idea and the way you executed it in the story. I suggest more detail to the story line and vivid verbs to add a little more intrigue.
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:15 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Thank you for your feedback! I'll take it into consideration.
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Old 12-23-2016, 09:56 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Thank you!! I worked hard at it!
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Old 12-27-2016, 06:11 AM View Post #5 (Link) So,
GarimaLilGenie (Offline)
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I'm new to this website but I'm not new to reading and writing. As per my knowledge the story/novel should agree to the following things:

1. The beginning of the story should be very exciting so that when someone reads it his/her interest rises.

2.The ending of the story/novel should be satisfying, etc.

But unfortunately for me the beginning wasn't very exciting. I'm telling you this because in a book shop when someone picks a book he/she reads the first few lines of it. If they are interesting then people are willing to buy it and if the whole book is good they suggest it to other people too. But, if the first few lines are not interesting then the book lays in the book shop eating dust. Your story was very nice I loved it but as I told you the beginning might make it uninteresting


THANK YOU
FROM GarimaLilGenie.
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Old 01-18-2017, 08:24 PM View Post #6 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Thank you for telling me that. I'll go back on my original document and try to make it better. I appreciate all outside feedback I can get!
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Old 10-29-2017, 02:00 AM View Post #7 (Link) Really nice
Hieu Pham (Offline)
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Im really interested in your story!
Thank you for sharing,
If you have final work, pls share for us,
Thx
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Old 12-20-2017, 11:10 PM View Post #8 (Link) Story Review
whitetailseason (Offline)
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This is a very good story, but it was confusing at certain points. When the girl explained that she has woken up only to pull a rat out of her hair, it could use a little more explaining. This being maybe using more descriptive words about how she felt, as well as why she always has animals in her hair in the morning. There could be a little more explaining about the guy she met at the store. This being who he was, and how she knew him. Otherwise this was a very good story and I can't wait to read more of what you have.
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