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Old 09-05-2017, 01:19 AM View Post #1 (Link) dont you dare say
wizadblizzad (Offline)
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Notice: this is a poem i want to have completed by bullying awareness month. So all criticism is welcomed.

Things can change on a dime.
We have all heard that rhyme.
The one about sticks and stones,
where they broke bones.
But their words can't hurt you
Don't you dare say,
that words can't hurt me.
That words hurt any less than stones
Cause your stones might break bones,
But it is your words that pierce my skin.
Its words that lead to disaster
Its words that lead to death
Bones can heal,
But the same can not be said.
For those that thought,
They could find peace only after,
They lie dead.

Those that survive are left with scars.
Everything that you said,
Every ill-intentioned statement,
Remains in their minds.
Every time you turn deaf,
The the cries of those,
That needed help the most
Are unforgotten
Don't you dare say,
That you're sorry,
You don't have the right.
Because of those that had knives,
For tongues and a heart cold as ice
Many are not here for this christmass night

Because of bullies in the school
Because of the monsters,
That lurk behind screens
Because of the people that just stood by,
And watched them attack you
You feel as though you are being swallowed whole
By the jaws of despair
Don't you dare say
that things will be alright
Not when the sharks are circling,
Waiting for you to make a mistake.
Just so they can tear you apart.
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Old 09-05-2017, 05:01 AM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
HawaiianParadise (Offline)
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Wow, that is really good. It feels really emotional, and though I've never been bullied I know that if I had I would be super touched by this poem. It's a really good idea, and you executed it well, but that said, there are a few grammatical errors I should point out.

First, Its words that lead to disaster and Its words that lead to death

The "s" should have an apostrophe.

Second, Many are not here for this christmass night

Great line, but Christmas has a capital C and only one "s".

Third, The the cries of those,

You should only use one "the"

Also, there was one awkward line:

They could find peace only after,
They lie dead.


I'm not really sure what's wrong with it, but it just sounds wrong when I read it. Maybe take out the comma? But I have no idea how to write poems, so maybe the comma is required.

All in all, great poem and I really think you could get somewhere!
  
						Last edited by HawaiianParadise; 09-05-2017 at 06:44 AM.
					
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:49 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
wizadblizzad (Offline)
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Originally Posted by HawaiianParadise View Post
Wow, that is really good. It feels really emotional, and though I've never been bullied I know that if I had I would be super touched by this poem. It's a really good idea, and you executed it well, but that said, there are a few grammatical errors I should point out.

First, Its words that lead to disaster and Its words that lead to death

The "s" should have an apostrophe.

Second, Many are not here for this christmass night

Great line, but Christmas has a capital C and only one "s".

Third, The the cries of those,

You should only use one "the"

Also, there was one awkward line:

They could find peace only after,
They lie dead.


I'm not really sure what's wrong with it, but it just sounds wrong when I read it. Maybe take out the comma? But I have no idea how to write poems, so maybe the comma is required.

All in all, great poem and I really think you could get somewhere!

Thank you for the feed back, im really bed at grammar and this helps alot.
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