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Old 08-28-2017, 01:42 AM View Post #1 (Link) Salt
Pandora24 (Offline)
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In the world full of strife
Of my bland and insipid life

You are the salt
I love you to a fault

With the world twisting knife
I used to pick at life

And then one fine day we met
Since then I've been in fate's debt

You're a rich and exquisite flavour
In form of you, God's done me a favor

With you by my side, my plate's full
To God, I'll always remain grateful

That through a chance meeting
He bestowed on me a blessing.
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:58 AM View Post #2 (Link)
bhartijain (Offline)
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Hi,

I like the theme of your poetry carrying a unique idea. The use of connotation of salt for the beloved is germane since it is the most essential spice of life.

However, I was looking forward to be able to read more if the poem could be little longer because so many events could be related to your theme which also could do justice with the length.

There are few other small suggestions regarding the lines you have written.

1) Try not to use the words once used.
2) Focus on the qulities of salt such as it dissolves, its white shining crystals, its calculative use, its strong reaction with ice, etc.

I revived your poem a little. Please see if it can help...

In the world full of unpleasant strife
just as my bland and insipid life

You came as the salt
Making me love you to a fault

A humdrum life with no spice
was enough for me to despise

And then one fine day we met
Since then I've been in fate's debt

You're a rich and exquisite flavour
the taste of which I will savour.

With you by my side, my plate's full
I never felt such a strong pull

But I shall swallow you wise
neither too less nor much shall suffice ....

to be continued...

I hope you find my reviews of some help.
- Bharti
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:16 AM View Post #3 (Link) how i think
wizadblizzad (Offline)
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This isnt anything realy deep, but i want you to know that i very much liked the short poem you have created
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Old 09-05-2017, 08:01 AM View Post #4 (Link) Critique
HawaiianParadise (Offline)
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This is a really great poem with an interesting idea--salt being the seasoning of life. I know I never could have thought of that in a million years. haha I can't find any grammatical errors, but there was one thing that confused me.

What's a world twisting knife?

Also, this sentence sounded strange: Since then I've been in fate's debt. I don't know what--if anything--is wrong, but then again I'm pretty bad at critiquing.

All in all, excellent poem--much better than I could write! Good luck!
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