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Old 07-05-2017, 10:58 PM View Post #1 (Link) Voices
Wasted Earthling (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Points: 14.61
Times Thanked: 1
So for the first time in ages, I've actually tried writing something. I would appreciate feedback, but I'm also aware it's very rough around the edges and the inners. I'm posting it here to share it with someone primarily as for obvious reason I can't just plonk it in front of someone in real life.
______________________

I wake up every morning echoes filling my head
that enact in me a sense of utter dread
What is it they want me to know this time?
Are they speaking reason or spinning rhyme?

Was there a really a past when I was all okay?
It feels like my mind is ever a scene of affray;
gangs of preachers delivering sermons in vein
an echo chamber ensuring I am left in pain

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

Did the imaginary friends precede the insanity
or are they just product of reluctance to see
what a fool I have become closing myself away
living for the moment, but not making the day

Swallow that the doctor tells me at check-up
And forget enjoyment, for son you mustn't sup
Those demons will only grow ever braver
if you dare to try and give your life flavour

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

Is there a nectar within me upon which they feed
or is the attraction the warped mind they can read.
Surely there's a thousand more lunatics to prey on
am I beyond hope, am I really that far gone?

This cerebral prison encompassing thundering roars
is hell to coexist with, it's tedious and frankly it bores
pushing me to breaking point sooner than any bully
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to understand it fully

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

For how many months, days or years will they stay
Is it worth fighting when I can't banish them anyway
For what is it they are searching within my mind
unless I know surely this fight in which I'm behind

Can't they take a detour to another persons halo
Is there not some junkie to whom they can all go
surely he wouldn't notice them in his imagination
perhaps he wouldn't even feel he's a living cremation

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

Maybe I can name them and treat them like mates
it's not like I can count real ones in terms of freights
perhaps isolation was a factor in this total lunacy
it could perhaps be so, but equally it could not be

Could I wake up tomorrow rid of the screaming wretches
my mind eradicated of these vivid and frightening sketches
could I start a war between the unwanted, cruel sages
maybe half would retreat so far they were at other stages

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

How everlasting the pitchfork wielding gang of insomniacs
are they keen to conquer me and exploit my flaws and cracks
what will I have to pay them off with, pain? fear tolerance?
how much is it? For my mind do not dance in incandescence?

Is the answer really ever going to be found inside my head
that means on the day all my strength will not be bled
fighting against these uninvited proclaimers of right and true
until they all scarper, maybe becoming bored with the view

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

Is there a purpose to the advice they bestow so liberally
Is there something these souls are trying to tell me?
if that is the case, why can't they just drop by for a chat?
rather than gnawing away my sanity, like a persistent gnat

Is it really so much to ask for peace within my alone time
a haven made for reflecting free from life's tapestry of grime
is it really unfair not to want these chattering fools around
running me down and firmly tackling my patience to ground

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine

Is there any solace to be taken from rare breaks in noise
a moment of relief in haze, akin to glimpsing a lake's bouys
is this home signal I've been looking to guide me to the bank
or is it the case that before I know it my vessel will be sank

Shall I go in search of the companions to tow me to home
or should I continue to fight, and continue to aimlessly roam
perhaps I need more than the simply a tablet to swallow
maybe I need some sort of plan, one I'll actually follow

maybe my mind;
will be mine
why could I be normal;
I may be fine

Whilst these buzzing wisemen won't disappear at command
perhaps they'll pack there bags if rather than simply demand
If I look to solutions and act within nuance and consideration
rather than jumping the gun and acting as a living abomination

Is it really so simple I doubt that is the case nor should it be
nothing worth it has come on a plate, excepting pizza delivery
if I work for what I am looking for, simply serenity and bliss
perhaps I might even see to giving the voices a goodbye kiss

I know my mind
will be mine
I know I can be normal
I know I'll be fine

________________________________________________
  
						Last edited by Wasted Earthling; 07-05-2017 at 11:04 PM.
					
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Old 07-27-2017, 03:35 AM View Post #2 (Link)
SerialLove (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
SerialLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 19
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 4
Originally Posted by Wasted Earthling View Post

I wake up every morning [comma] echoes filling my head "Head" doesn't really work well here, "mind" would be so much better. But since you obviously have a rhyme scheme, I'm not going to change that. I'll leave it for you to decide what to do.
that enact in me a sense of utter dread I think the word "they" would work so much better at the beginning of this line then "that."
What is it [that] they want me to know this time? Since both this line and the next are questions, then I would replace this question mark with a comma.
Are they speaking reason or spinning rhyme?

Was there a really a past when I was all okay?
It feels like my mind is ever a scene of affray; I'm pretty sure you're thinking of a different word here [maybe disarray] instead of affray. Affray is an instance of fighting in a public place that disturbs the peace. So...
gangs of preachers delivering sermons in vein [vain]
an echo chamber ensuring [comma] I am left in pain [period] Either add a comma to the end of the previous sentence or add an "and" to the beginning of this one.

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [Hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine [Question mark] I don't really like the placement of this stanza, nor do I like the questions themselves. They read to be pretty cliché.

Did the imaginary friends precede the insanity [comma]
or are they just products of [my] reluctance to see
what a fool I have become [comma] closing myself away [comma]
living for the moment, [remove the comma] but not making the day [Period] The final two lines of this stanza reads rather odd. Personally, I don't understand what you are trying to say here.

Swallow that [comma] the doctor tells me at check-up [comma] You should either add quotations around "swallow that" or italicize it to distinguish the dialogue from the narration.
and forget enjoyment, for son you mustn't sup [comma]
Those demons will only grow ever braver
if you dare to try and give your life flavor [period] I'm confused; are the last three lines of this stanza also part of the dialogue? If so, then you should also either add quotations around it or italicize it. If you don't, the dialogue will mingle with the narration and it can make the writing confusing.

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine [question mark]

Is there a nectar within me upon which they feed [comma]
or is the attraction the warped mind they can read.[Replace period with a question mark]
Surely there's [there are] a thousand more lunatics to prey on
am I beyond hope, am I really that far gone? I don't really like the repetition of "am I"

This cerebral prison [comma] encompassing thundering roars
is hell to coexist with, I actually would change this comma to a period. it's tedious and frankly it bores [add some form of punctuation here]
pushing me to [my] breaking point sooner than any bully
[Could,] I'm not sure I'll ever be able to understand it fully [period]

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine [question mark]

For how many months, days or years will they stay
is it worth fighting when I can't banish them anyway [Question mark]
For what is it they are searching [comma] within my mind [comma]
unless I know surely this fight in which I'm behind Hmm, you start of these last two lines kind of like a question, but then it takes a different turn. I'm a little confused on what you are trying to get across here.

Can't they take a detour to another persons halo You need an apostrophe in "persons" before the 's' if you're singularly talking about someone else's halo or after the 's' if you're talking plural.
is there not some junkie to whom they can all go [question mark]
Surely he wouldn't notice them in his imagination
perhaps he wouldn't even feel he's a living cremation [period]

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine [question mark]

Maybe I can name them and treat them like mates [comma]
it's not like I can count real ones [comma] in terms of freights [hyphen]
perhaps isolation was a factor in this total lunacy
it could perhaps be so, but equally it could not be [period] You've already used the word perhaps in the line before this. Be mindful of what you write so you don't become repetitive.

Could I wake up tomorrow [comma] rid of the screaming wretches
my mind eradicated of these vivid and frightening sketches [Question mark]
Could I start a war between the unwanted, cruel sages [Question mark]
Maybe half would retreat [Comma] so far they were at other stages [Period] Again, I'm a little confused by this line.

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine [question mark]

How everlasting [comma] the pitchfork wielding gang of insomniacs I like the image here.
are they keen to conquer me and exploit my flaws and cracks [add some form of punctuation]
What will I have to pay them off with, pain? Fear tolerance?
How much is it? For my mind do not dance in incandescence? Since these last two lines contained two questions each, I would suggest maybe finding a way to combine them. I know for sure that you could combine the last two questions in the last line and they'll still sound right. It can also help the low of your piece if you take away all the pauses.

Is the answer really ever going to be found inside my head [Question mark]
That means on the [that] day [comma] all my strength will not be bled
fighting against these uninvited proclaimers of right and true Just like the beginning of this poem, the word at the end of this line just doesn't feel right. If I were you, I would have used 'truth' instead of 'true.' Even then, using both "right and true" is rather redundant since both have the same meaning for all intents and purposes.
until they all scarper, maybe becoming bored with the view [period]

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine[question mark]

Is there a purpose to the advice they bestow so liberally
is there something these souls are trying to tell me?
If that is the case, why can't they just drop by for a chat?[replace question mark with a comma]
rather than gnawing away my sanity, like a persistent gnat [period] I like this image as well. So kudos to you there.

Is it really so much to ask [comma] for peace within my alone time
a haven made for reflecting[comma] free from life's tapestry of grime[period]
Is it really unfair not to want these chattering fools around
running me down and firmly tackling my patience to ground[period]

Why can't my mind;
just be mine [hyphen or comma]
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine [question mark]

Is there any solace to be taken [comma] from rare breaks in noise
a moment of relief in haze, akin to glimpsing a lake's bouys [buoys] [period]
Is this [the] home signal I've been looking [for] to guide me to the bank
or is it the case that before I know it [comma] my vessel will be sank [period] Honestly, I'm confused on to where your poem is going. Thee doesn't seem to me to be a set story. But then again, I'm not finished so maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt.

Shall I go in search of the companions to tow me to home
or should I continue to fight, and continue to aimlessly roam [period]
Perhaps I need more[comma] than the simply a tablet to swallow
maybe I need some sort of plan, one [that] I'll actually follow[period

Maybe my mind;
will be mine[hyphen or comma]
why[comma] [I] could I be normal;
I may be fine [period]

Whilst these buzzing wisemen won't disappear at command
perhaps they'll pack there bags if rather than simply demand[period] Also, what do you mean with the underlined phrase. I'm a little confused by it, do you mean to have an 'I' after "if?"
If I look to solutions and act within nuance and consideration[Comma]
rather than jumping the gun and acting as a living abomination[period] Reading these last two lines alone makes no sense, but trying to connect them to the beginning two lines also makes no sense since the beginning lines read like a complete thought. I would suggest finding a way to clear this up.

Is it really so simple [question mark]I doubt that is the case[comma]nor should it be
nothing worth it has come on a plate, excepting pizza delivery[period]
If I work for what I am looking for, simply serenity and bliss
perhaps I might even see to giving the voices a goodbye kiss[period]

I know my mind
will be mine[hyphen or comma]
I know I can be normal
I know I'll be fine[period]
Ok, so for the most part I liked the beginning of the poem and not the end. I felt pretty grounded in the beginning, however as I continued reading I started to become confused and I lost what was happening.

One thing I did dislike was the repetition of:

why can't my mind;
just be mine
why can't I be normal;
why aren't I fine
Personally I felt like it was out of place and it didn't really add much to your story.

Besides that, you rarely had any punctuation which can be detrimental to the story. Remember, punctuation helps your readers know when an idea stops and another begins, as well it helps your readers take the proper moments to pause and think about what's happened. That and punctuation is a part of grammar.

All-in-all I think most of what I have to say is already in the line by line review of your poem. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
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