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Old 11-12-2016, 02:11 PM View Post #1 (Link) Jesus king of kings
Charlotte S (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: London, England
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This is a song about being unclean and Jesus coming and saving me.


CHORUS: you have had mercy on me,
Forgiven my sins and wiped me clean,
You have purified my heart, cleaned my life and scoured my sins.
Thank Jesus king of kings.

VERSE 1: i was sinking on my sins counting my losses and wins. Thinking a single failure would change my life. Forgetting about he worlds other strife.

VERSE 2: The tides are pulling me under, all the lessons taught, is was never listening. But I know this change is only the beginning.

BRIDGE: I don't deserve the love I'm receiving, but I know that I should keep believing.
  
						Last edited by Charlotte S; 11-14-2016 at 06:30 AM.
					
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Old 05-22-2017, 03:59 PM View Post #2 (Link)
miss_smiley (Offline)
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Location: Not sure... but it's dark and hot and smells of...burning...
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Hey, hey! Not sure if you're looking at this any more, but I thought I'd drop in my 2c regardless. First off, good on you for being bold! Cliche as it appears to others, it's hard to be open and honest about your faith, especially in today's age, so good on you. Secondly, anything I'm about to say is coming out a genuine desire to help you, so don't take it too personally if something doesn't come out quite right.

Without further ado, let's do this!

Spoiler:

Red for straight-up mistakes, like grammar &
spelling. These are non-negotiable.
Blue for opinions & advice.
These are my own thoughts, as a songstress & Christian myself.


Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
This is a song about being unclean and Jesus coming and saving me.


CHORUS:
You have had mercy on me,
Forgiven my sins and wiped me clean,
You have purified my heart, cleaned my life and scoured my sins.
Thank Jesus comma, King of kings. (<-- it's His title,
so it needs a capital)
Nice! Punchy, simple, gets straight to the point,
which is perfect for church hymns


VERSE 1:
I was sinking on my sins
Counting my losses and wins comma, Hmm. I feel like 'my' interferes with your rhythm. Maybe cut it? It still brings across the same message.

Thinking a single failure would change my life comma,
Forgetting about the world's other strife. These last two lines need a little reworking. They're a bit clunky, so have a bit of a sit-and-think on this - play with the words & the rhythm. You want it to flow smoothly,
so it's easy for people to predict where it's going, so they can focus on lifting up their hearts.


VERSE 2:
The tides are pulling me under,
All the lessons taught,
I (?) was never listening comma,
But I know this change is only the beginning. Hmmm. You've changed your rhyme scheme (because none of this rhymes...). This is generally not a good idea, because it throws your audience for a real spin. That's generally not a good thing for a hymn to do, so play about with this verse too. Also, I'm not really sure what your meaning is here. As much as I love the ambiguity of poetry, hymns don't usually dabble in this. They're straight-forward, say what they mean & glorify God. Best to clarify what you're trying to say here.


BRIDGE:
I don't deserve the love I'm receiving,
But I know that I should keep believing. Nice! Good strong ending.
Always keep those stanzas strong. Have a play around and a pray about those verses. I often find that, once I'm dabbling with something, especially when I'm just playing around with it, it's a lot easier to throw ideas up. If you're nervous about missing a bit of inspiration, turn on a recorder and record your dabble-sesh. Regardless, nice work & keep it up!

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