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Old 11-29-2016, 05:26 AM View Post #1 (Link) Darkness
Anima (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Colorado
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This is my first submission, and I'm super excited to hear what people have to say. Also excited to hear how I can make this story better!

Darkness. What comes to mind when that word is uttered? Do you think of the atmosphere that surrounds you when you flip a switch? Do you think of a night sky, twinkling with the light of a thousand stars?

That's good if you thought those, that means you're normal.

Unlike some of us.

Darkness. The first thing that comes to mind is the sadness that clouds the mind. Or maybe that shadow of a doubt that still haunts me from the past.

I know that some of us think this way. I used to think I was depressed, that somehow I would learn to be happy around those I love.

Not anymore.

We are special. Darkness may surround our world, but someday, sun will find its home.
We are special. We saw the ugly of the world, and we were forced to grow up to fast, but we survived.
We are special. Some people couldn't handle what we go through on a daily basis. However we do, and that makes us prepared for anything.

Sadness is a word. Depression is a word. They are just WORDS. We can't let it control us.

Turn around and hug the shadow behind you. Search through the clouds for something to hold on to, and the storm will pass.

There will be sunshine in the end.
If there is no sunshine? It is not the end.

I love everyone.
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Old 11-30-2016, 09:03 PM View Post #2 (Link) critique
Jaclynwrites (Offline)
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This could be a good start..It is a little confusing though. It sounds like you are talking about a personal experience, but it could easily be a character opening her story. You need to explain in detail a little bit further. This is a great beginning tho. It is also a very good discription of depression. Overall, good start!
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Old 12-27-2016, 02:32 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Charlotte S (Offline)
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This is an interesting piece of writing. I love how you start with a question: this immediately makes the reader begin to think and gets their creative juices running. At the beginning, however, I was unsure of what the story was and where it was going. I would suggest that you make your writing clearer and have a stronger beginning.

You are a talented writer. This writing sent tingles all over my body. When I finished reading it, I began to thirst for more information. Perhaps more of a back story is necessary? What happened to make the character feel the darkness? What changed?

I love how you have captured the essence of what someone feels like when they are seriously struggling with darkness seemingly surrounding them. I love how you have written it in first person rather than third person. This gives it a more personal sense and the readers feel a kinship with the character. However, I do need to know more about the character. You are being a bit vague and as a reader I would be grasping at threads to understand the motives of the character. Who is the character? Are they male or female? How old? Information is vital when writing. If you are vague people are less likely to read your writing. Readers, especially the avid ones, need information, they need a gripping story, filled with description and emotion.

There are parts of this story that are just phenomenal. Your vocabulary is good and your sentences are well structured. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes but nothing serious. In regards to this, always edit and re-edit your writing. Check and recheck. Macro edit and micro edit. Pick up every single problem you can find and fix it. Doing a grammar and spelling check is vital when writing. You don't want to one day send a manuscript to an editor and have it sent back because you haven't checked and double checked grammar and spelling.

I love how you used repetition in your story: telling the reader everyone is special again and again drives the message home.

I also love how you use 'We' and 'Us' instead of just writing it from other characters points of view. This technique makes the story more personal to the readers.

You are a talented writer despite the mistakes and I love the message conveyed in this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Old 01-02-2017, 06:28 AM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Anima (Offline)
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Thank you guys for the feedback. This was something I wrote in 10 minutes, and even I admit it is a little confusing. I had no clue where I was going so I just wrote. I will touch it up with grammar, and rearrange it so it makes more sense. This was supposed to be more motivation than a story exactly. I do have an idea of what background I can add to still keep the essance of what I was trying to convey. Overall, thank you guys for the very helpful feedback!
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Old 04-13-2017, 01:40 PM View Post #5 (Link) My review
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi Anima

I think this story is a good start. However, there is room for improvement. I think you should add more detail as it is quite vague in some places and a little confusing. If you worked on it, it will be a great piece of writing. I love the idea of your story, though. It's very unique and I like that.
Rebekah😄
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Old 12-20-2017, 07:15 PM View Post #6 (Link)
Drozz (Offline)
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Darkness. What comes to mind when that word is uttered? [this is a great opening paragraph] Do you think of the atmosphere that surrounds you when you flip a switch? Do you think of a night sky, twinkling with the light of a thousand stars?

That's good if you thought those, that means you're normal.

Unlike some of us.

Darkness. The first thing that comes to mind is the sadness that clouds the mind. Or maybe that shadow of a doubt that still haunts me from the past.

I know that some of us think this way. I used to think I was depressed, that somehow I would learn to be happy around those I love.

Not anymore. [I don't think you need this last line I think you can just leave it at those I love]

We are special. Darkness may surround our world, but someday, sun will find its home.
We are special. We saw the ugly of the world, and we were forced to grow up to fast, but we survived.
We are special. Some people couldn't handle what we go through on a daily basis. However we do, and that makes us prepared for anything.
[ I like this part how you answer everything with a question]
Sadness is a word. Depression is a word. They are just WORDS. We can't let it control us.

Turn around and hug the shadow behind you. Search through the clouds for something to hold on to, and the storm will pass.

There will be sunshine in the end.
If there is no sunshine? It is not the end.

I love everyone.
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Old 01-18-2018, 12:48 PM View Post #7 (Link) Critique
WriterKitty (Offline)
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Greetings, this is WriterKitty here to give a critique for your work!

I simply love this short!
I really like how you started this, the imagery here was pretty good. I mean when I was reading this all I could really think of was what I'd feel or think of upon hearing the word darkness.

I like how you changed the tone from something slightly dark into something so warm and wonderful!
I love how positive you sounded in the end. It's like you just have a new direction for the readers to think when it comes to sad events, depressing incidents etc.
I do wish this was a bit longer, but I'm not complaining!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece and I hope you keep writing!
Have a good day!
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Old 02-06-2018, 05:11 PM View Post #8 (Link) I am a new critique
Aftab (Offline)
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a well-written piece of writing.
There is, I feel, some ambiguity which must be avoided. well, let me stay here for some reasonable days, I would be suggesting the points that would help to improve the writing. Thanks.
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