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Old 10-27-2016, 01:19 PM View Post #1 (Link) Me or me?
qwertyuiop (Offline)
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Northampton
Posts: 51
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This is my first post on this site so yeah. Enjoy!!
With special thanks to Ruby Dawn for inspiration, motivation and a competition beyond amazing. So thank you Ruby, a lot


If you are Ruby Dawn Slade read the spoiler shown :

Spoiler:
Thanks Ruby, for every thing. You're the best Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Chapter 1
When it all began




My day began like any other, I yawned out of bed, lazily freshened up and then stared at myself in the mirror. Red hair brushed up to my ears as I got ready for another normal day. My white shirt and striped tie fit snuggly onto my body as I pulled on my colourful coat. I stared at my baggy trousers as I heaved my thin socks onto my oversized feet.
I was in such a rush that I accidentally hit my head whilst trying to make a speedy cut through the door. As a result, my head felt dizzy and then, everything went black.
I woke up beside the rough staircase and instantly checked my handy wristwatch. 9:30. 9:30!! That meant i’d missed school!
Leaping onto my feet, I dashed through the corridor and collided with a wooden draw.
“Classical,” I thought as I fell to the floor in a heap of books and paper“Ouch!!”I roared as pure agony overtook my bag of skinny bones.Poorly injured, I staggered onto my weary feet, only to find an old novel laying beside me.


Chapter 2
The ancient book




After reading the first few pages, I realised the story was about a young boy named Jack (which was actually my name). Then I was struck by a pulse of memorisation from the extremely detailed description. So, I decided to read on.
The outstanding story line spectacularly connected me to the mind of the amazing author.
In the story, Jack discovers a portal to another dimension which is being run by the forces of evil. He plans on defeating them single handedly and manages to power his way through approximately half of their entire army. Afraid that he will lose the lives of many more soldiers, the devilish king casts the abyss break (a spell that teleports its opponents to the land of darkness) on Jack.As a result of Jack not defending himself, he is engulfed in clouds of pure darkness.


Chapter 3
Forgotten pages




I was blinded by the figurative language and flicked straight to the next chapter, but the page was blank. Flicking a few more pages I realised the whole book had been left bare and untouched.
“But that couldn’t have been the end!” I told myself.
“Who knows maybe the character just died,” myself just had to argue back.
The inanimate book had now started vibrating. Both my heart and mind told me to take cover, but some weird part of me managed to convince my whole body to just stand there in awe as the book glistened a golden yellow. I was sucked into the light; as it attacked me from every possible directions. I closed my eyes.


CHAPTER 4
The abyss




My eyes opened and I found myself in the middle of nowhere: the sky was just the colour black, ‘pitch black’ and the smooth soil was as dark as the midnight sky. The isolated landscape was so blank that it left me with no choice but to gather questionable thoughts into my very scull.
After many awkward angled expressions, a sign appeared and then another. They read:
WELCOME TO THE LAND OF ABYSS


YOU HAVE BEEN SENT HERE TO DIE. NOW CHOOSE, YOUR FATE BUT CHOOSE WISELY.


My guess had just been confirmed. I was Jack- not me, as in the Jack in the story. Then two more signs appeared.






THE CAVE OF DEADLY DRAGONS
<<<<<<<<<<



THE GRAVEYARD OF THE UNDEAD
>>>>>>>>>>



It was time to think, so I took a deep breath and thought.
After an overstretched lesson of thinking, I decided to choose the graveyard, anything was better than being cooked alive. Plus even if I did get killed, there would be a great spot for a grave I told myself.


CHAPTER 5
The apocalyptic maze




In my opinion choosing the graveyard was the 2nd biggest mistake of my life- the first being ever even opening the book. But as I followed the rather jaggedy sign, I found myself in a maze instead. Although the scent of eariness was pungently charging at my mind, the thought of not being surrounded by dead bodies made this maze seem less apocalyptic.
I had my fingers crossed on every corner; I turned, hoping it would be the last step I would have to take.
Wandering till my feet, hands and temper had run out of power juice, I came to a decision:
“This maze will never end!!” I screamed into the eternal darkness above.
If I had to admit the truth, at that point I was secretly wishing for some kind of hint or idea to speed round the back of my head (you know like to discover a secret cave or something). But nothing happend, I just stood there staring into the darkness (which was still looming above me). Day after day, week after week, I was left there to starve to death...
This book clutches my adventure into a whole. I hope no one ever finds this book. But if someone does, I must warn you to keep a close eye on the walls of this maze. My last words are:


2 XVIII IX VII VIII, 3 XII V VI XX, 1 XVIII IX VII VIII, 9 XII V VI XX.
  
						Last edited by qwertyuiop; 12-28-2016 at 06:22 PM.
					
					 Reason: editing reasons
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Old 10-28-2016, 08:21 PM View Post #2 (Link) Review
Kronnersgirl (Offline)
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Title: I think sometimes it's better to go simple with your title so that all of the focus is on your writing.

Spelling: I didn't see anything wrong. Expect that I couldn't tell where your paragraphs start because you were too spaced out.

Writing: I liked the story. It was different than anything else I've ever read. Not bad for a first story, girl!

Write on!!!
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Old 10-29-2016, 12:42 PM View Post #3 (Link)
DestinyVamp (Offline)
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Now that is something I wanted to read, short, too the point and entertaining. I haven't got much for the writing but, I think you did fine with action, but god, I love the descriptions, expressions and especially the settings, you did great with those although with actions, those were written fine but at some places, they looked a little rushed, if you bring in the details of those I think it would all be better.

Now the story...the plot...is....AWESOME. Actually, too awesome to be written in mini paragraphs in a short story. You know, the part of going into a book cliched but questions like where did the book come from and what happened then, a lot of these leave me curious. If you put in more details, lengthen it enough to leave a reader satisfied and add some character development (Which, perhaps, was missing as all I know is that the character was clumsy) . (I would even suggest you make a full-length novel or just out of it but give it details as it is definitely worth it but it is completely your choice.)
__________________
“I can be by myself because I'm never lonely; I'm simply alone, living in my heavily populated solitude, a harum-scarum of infinity and eternity, and Infinity and Eternity seem to take a liking to the likes of me.”
― Bohumil Hrabal, Too Loud a Solitude
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Old 11-04-2016, 05:22 AM View Post #4 (Link) Interesting concept
keithmcl (Offline)
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 5
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Hi, interesting content...

Perhaps it is the web's format, but at time it was a little hard to follow and some of the language did not flow very smoothly. You are obviously good at thinking of stories, perhaps spend some time polishing your writing for the reader's sake.

Otherwise, good effort!

K
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Old 12-08-2016, 04:02 PM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
qwertyuiop (Offline)
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Northampton
Posts: 51
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Times Thanked: 1
Thank you keithmcl I appreciate it.
__________________
Always trying to make myself seem strong... So I locked myself in a suit of armor with nothing but darkness in sight.
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Old 12-12-2016, 04:04 PM View Post #6 (Link) wow!
Aya Zabalawi (Offline)
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Location: UAE
Posts: 15
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Woahhhh!!! Not bad I tell you, not bad at all. Alright, it was great, but, just a few suggestions.

You rushed into it. That is an excellent story with an excellent plot, and it is too good to be wasted. Take your time, a chapter over here should be at least a page long.

I love the way you describe things, I mean, wow, I'm mind blown.
But hey listen, the titles, are not working for you.
Go with something more intriguing, yet, not predictive.
Know what I mean?

Other than that, keep going, you've got potential and ideas. Great work!
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Old 12-17-2016, 08:44 AM View Post #7 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
qwertyuiop (Offline)
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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thank you for your suggestion.
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Always trying to make myself seem strong... So I locked myself in a suit of armor with nothing but darkness in sight.
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Old 12-27-2016, 07:28 PM View Post #8 (Link)
Ruby Dawn (Offline)
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: The sofa
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Originally Posted by qwertyuiop View Post
This is my first post on this site so yeah. Enjoy!!
With special thanks to Ruby Dawn for inspiration, motivation and a competition beyond amazing. So thank you Ruby, a lot


If you are Ruby Dawn Slade read the spoiler shown :

Spoiler:
Thanks Ruby, for every thing. You're the best Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Chapter 1
When it all began




My day began like any other, I yawned out of bed, lazily freshened up and then stared at myself in the mirror. Red hair brushed up to my ears as I got ready for another normal day. My white shirt and striped tie fit snuggly onto my body as I pulled on my colourful coat. I stared at my baggy trousers as I heaved my thin socks onto my oversized feet.


I was in such a rush that I accidentally hit my head whilst trying to make a speedy cut through the door. As a result, my head felt dizzy and then, everything went black.


I woke up beside the rough staircase and instantly checked my handy wristwatch. 9:30. 9:30!! That meant i’d missed school!


Leaping onto my feet, I dashed through the corridor and collided with a wooden draw.
“Classical,” I thought as I fell to the floor in a heap of books and paper“Ouch!!”I roared as pure agony overtook my bag of skinny bones.Poorly injured, I staggered onto my weary feet, only to find an old novel laying beside me.


Chapter 2
The ancient book




After reading the first few pages, I realized the story was about a young boy named Jack (which was actually my name). Then I was struck by a pulse of mesmerisation from the extremely detailed description. So, I decided to read on.


The outstanding storyline spectacularly connected me to the mind of the amazing author.


In the story, Jack discovers a portal to another dimension which is being run by the forces of evil. He plans on defeating them single handedly and manages to power his way through approximately half of their entire army. Afraid that he will lose the lives of many more soldiers, the devilish king casts the abyss break (a spell that teleports its apponents to the land of darkness) on Jack.As a reasult of Jack not defending himself, he is engulfed in clouds of pure darkness.


Chapter 3
Forgotten pages




I was blinded by the figurative language and flicked straight to the next chapter, but the page was blank. Flicking a few more pages I realised the whole book had been left bare and untouched.


“But that couldn’t have been the end!” I told myself.


“Who knows maybe the character just died,” myself just had to argue back.


The inanimate book had now started vibrating. Both my heart and mind told me to take cover, but some weird part of me managed to convince my whole body to just stand there in awe as the book glistened a golden yellow. I was sucked into the light; as it attacked me from every possible directions. I closed my eyes.


CHAPTER 4
The abyss




My eyes opened and I found myself in the middle of nowhere: the sky was just the colour black, ‘pitch black’ and the smooth soil was as dark as the midnight sky. The isolated landscape was so blank that it left me with no choice but to gather questionable thoughts into my very scull.
After many awkward angled expressions, a sign appeared and then another. They read:




WELCOME TO THE LAND OF ABYSS


YOU HAVE BEEN SENT HERE TO DIE. NOW CHOOSE, YOUR FATE BUT CHOOSE WISELY.





My guess had just been confirmed. I was Jack- not me, as in the Jack in the story. Then two more signs appeared.






THE CAVE OF DEADLY DRAGONS
<<<<<<<<<<



THE GRAVEYARD OF THE UNDEAD
>>>>>>>>>>





It was time to think, so I took a deep breath and thought.


After an overstretched lesson of thinking, I decided to choose the graveyard, anything was better than being cooked alive. Plus even if I did get killed, there would be a great spot for a grave I told myself.


CHAPTER 5
The apocalyptic maze




In my opinion choosing the graveyard was the 2nd biggest mistake of my life- the first being ever even opening the book. But as I followed the rather jaggedy sign, I found myself in a maze instead. Although the scent of eariness was pungently charging at my mind, the thought of not being surrounded by dead bodies made this maze seem less apocalyptic.


I had my fingers crossed on every corner; I turned, hoping it would be the last step I would have to take.


Wandering till my feet, hands and temper had run out of power juice, I came to a decision:
“This maze will never end!!” I screamed into the eternal darkness above.


If I had to admit the truth, at that point I was secretly wishing for some kind of hint or idea to speed round the back of my head (you know like to discover a secret cave or something). But nothing happend, I just stood there staring into the darkness (which was still looming above me). Day after day, week after week, I was left there to starve to death...


This book clutches my adventure into a whole. I hope no one ever finds this book. But if someone does, I must warn you to keep a close eye on the walls of this maze. My last words are:


2 XVIII IX VII VIII, 3 XII V VI XX, 1 XVIII IX VII VIII, 9 XII V VI XX.
Chapter 1
When it all began

My day began like any other, I yawned out of bed, lazily freshened up and then stared at myself in the mirror. Red hair brushed up to my ears as I got ready for another normal day. My white shirt and striped tie fit snuggly onto my body as I pulled on my colourful coat. I stared at my baggy trousers as I heaved my thin socks onto my oversized feet.
I was in such a rush that I accidentally hit my head whilst trying to make a speedy cut through the door. As a result, my head felt dizzy and then, everything went black.


I woke up beside the rough staircase and instantly checked my handy wristwatch. 9:30. 9:30!! That meant i’d missed school!
Leaping onto my feet, I dashed through the corridor and collided with a wooden draw.
“Classical,” I thought as I fell to the floor in a heap of books and paper“Ouch!!”I roared as pure agony overtook my bag of skinny bones.Poorly injured, I staggered onto my weary feet, only to find an old novel laying beside me.

Chapter 2
The ancient book

After reading the first few pages, I realised the story was about a young boy named Jack (which was actually my name). Then I was struck by a pulse of memorisation from the extremely detailed description. So, I decided to read on.The outstanding story line spectacularly connected me to the mind of the amazing author.
In the story, Jack discovers a portal to another dimension which is being run by the forces of evil. He plans on defeating them single handedly and manages to power his way through approximately half of their entire army. Afraid that he will lose the lives of many more soldiers, the devilish king casts the abyss break (a spell that teleports its opponents to the land of darkness) on Jack. As a result of Jack not defending himself, he is engulfed in clouds of pure darkness.

Chapter 3
Forgotten pages

I was blinded by the figurative language and flicked straight to the next chapter, but the page was blank. Flicking a few more pages I realised the whole book had been left bare and untouched.
“But that couldn’t have been the end!” I told myself.
“Who knows maybe the character just died,” myself just had to argue back.

The inanimate book had now started vibrating. Both my heart and mind told me to take cover, but some weird part of me managed to convince my whole body to just stand there in awe as the book glistened a golden yellow. I was sucked into the light; as it attacked me from every possible directions. I closed my eyes.

CHAPTER 4
The abyss

My eyes opened and I found myself in the middle of nowhere: the sky was just the colour black, ‘pitch black’ and the smooth soil was as dark as the midnight sky. The isolated landscape was so blank that it left me with no choice but to gather questionable thoughts into my very scull.
After many awkward angled expressions, a sign appeared and then another. They read:

WELCOME TO THE LAND OF ABYSS
YOU HAVE BEEN SENT HERE TO DIE. NOW CHOOSE, YOUR FATE BUT CHOOSE WISELY.


My guess had just been confirmed. I was Jack- not me, as in the Jack in the story. Then two more signs appeared.

THE CAVE OF DEADLY DRAGONS
<<<<<<<<<<
THE GRAVEYARD OF THE UNDEAD
>>>>>>>>>>

It was time to think, so I took a deep breath and thought.
After an overstretched lesson of thinking, I decided to choose the graveyard, anything was better than being cooked alive. Plus even if I did get killed, there would be a great spot for a grave I told myself.

CHAPTER 5
The apocalyptic maze

In my opinion choosing the graveyard was the 2nd biggest mistake of my life- the first being ever even opening the book. But as I followed the rather jaggedy sign, I found myself in a maze instead. Although the scent of eariness was pungently charging at my mind, the thought of not being surrounded by dead bodies made this maze seem less apocalyptic.
I
had my fingers crossed on every corner; I turned, hoping it would be the last step I would have to take.Wandering till my feet, hands and temper had run out of power juice, I came to a decision:
“This maze will never end!!” I screamed into the eternal darkness above.

If I had to admit the truth, at that point I was secretly wishing for some kind of hint or idea to speed round the back of my head (you know like to discover a secret cave or something). But nothing happend, I just stood there staring into the darkness (which was still looming above me). Day after day, week after week, I was left there to starve to death...

This book clutches my adventure into a whole. I hope no one ever finds this book. But if someone does, I must warn you to keep a close eye on the walls of this maze. My last words are:


2 XVIII IX VII VIII, 3 XII V VI XX, 1 XVIII IX VII VIII, 9 XII V VI XX.[/QUOTE]

I've moved the paragraphs so they are closer together, you don't need all that space. The red is corrected spellings (on one you only missed a space). Overall, it's a great story, although I thought it was a little rushed. Try slowing down a bit.
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Old 12-28-2016, 09:43 AM View Post #9 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
qwertyuiop (Offline)
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Location: Northampton
Posts: 51
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Thank you I'll keep that in mind when I write something else
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Old 02-20-2018, 10:34 AM View Post #10 (Link) Education
Isabelleedger (Offline)
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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