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Old 10-26-2016, 08:32 PM View Post #1 (Link) Prospectives don't matter, they say.
DestinyVamp (Offline)
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“He would tell me that she was mad. No one at the college would ever sit with her; she was alone at all times and then she was paired with Alex for an assignment and he said they started growing together. He said that she was pretty much like all others but that was until you actually converse to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back but she was no nerd, her taste in music, choice of colors, it was all strange. Not at the college but she had some other friends which he said were odd, creepy sort of odd but she herself, as he would say, had dark philosophies which she would put in a way they would sound ‘enchanting’. It was like she could read out all the negativity in him and the bits of advice in her talks would always make him feel better. Till there things were perfect”
Jennifer was done crying, she needed his lover to get justice now, thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood the psychological state and given her some time. Yesterday when it all occurred, all she did was screaming and later weeping until it would hurt her eyes to shed another tear. Her states were better now, she had changed from the blood stained clothes into a casual jeans and tank top and was now at the police station.

“And what happened then?” The officer asked. They were sitting on opposite sides of the table and till here, he had maintained a tone she had been quick to grow comfortable to. He was perhaps an expert at dealing with the emotionally affected.
“They would spend hours together and she started opening herself up to him a little more than she could have and her thoughts would literally disturb him—horrify him at times and not very soon after, he began fearing her, as if she was possessed and worse was that she would know everything, she studied him like his thoughts were on his face and he practically had to escape her....”

“She would know what was on her mind? Was it like telepathy or anything?”
“I don’t know, he said that her wording would hint answers to questions in his mind, and she would indirectly warn her about what her behavior was going to be later. And he used her advice to save himself.”
“Well, and the break up; how was that?”
“He told her nothing and fled to New York where we first met and despite having all the contact information, she never talked to him and then, months after we were together she bumped into us outside a church where she greeted us both warmheartedly. She was so nice that I thought it was his friend or a relative. It was like this: she walked to us, said that it had been a while since they had met and hugged him then turned to me, asked if I was his girlfriend and complimented me and then even hugged me. She said that she would see him later and then walked away. It was later that he told me that it was his crazy ex. It happened around a week before….”
“See him some time later? Perhaps she did. How did he behave after meeting her? Was there a change you noticed in him, expressions, body language, anything?”
“A change? A drastic, very prominent change. He was terrified all long and was later murmuring weird stuff…. Some horrible woman she was. That stuff doll she had there with, he said that she would stab it severally and talk to it pretending that it was replying”

“I see, I see.” He sighed and lowered his eyes. “What you do remember about the crime scene?”
It at once changed the mood; Jennifer’s seemed pretty much a protest before it was mentioned. Her eyes dropped, she took her time being able to produce words and finally began with a weakness in her voice.
“As I entered the apartment…” she gulped. “Scarlet was sitting on the floor stroking the blond hair of the doll, the doll had missing eyes …..They were shoved up into where Alex’s were supposed to be—. I don’t know what she did to his but they were open…replaced by the doll’s. He had no clothes on and was stabbed everywhere except the face and the dagger was in his throat”
“Good lord….”
“I thought she would try to attack me but all she did was laugh hysterically when she saw me. I rushed outside yelling and calling people who didn’t dare to come forth to her and the Alex’s dead body but I couldn’t help myself. I went ahead and quaked him but he….”
The moisture of her eyes streamed down her face; no more did she hold herself strong and broke down in front of the sympatric officer. He coughed seeming slightly uncertain about what to do and extended a glass of water to her “I… I saw him lie dead and she...she….”
Jennifer had no courage to speak more, the dryness of her throat made it hurt when she gulped saliva and so, to cure that, she lifted the glass of water and forced in a sip or two.
“It is alright. Thank you for the help, we will do what we can. You can leave for now”
The two rose from their spaces and the officer asked another to lead the lady out.
She wiped her eyes and exited the room.
“A pure snorter, this one is.” The officer sat back chewing his lips and resting his elbows on a table, the tip of his fingers joint together and a deep thought occupied him for the next moment. Suddenly, he left his chair and walked off to the senior officer not very far away.
“Sir, I have talked to the victim's girlfriend, by what she tells, it seems that this woman, Scarlet, was mentally…well, she was in uncanny states. Has she said anything till yet?”
“Not a single bloody word, Andrike, ” Said another approaching the two. “She is uttering nonsense, she won’t just answer a question right. That madwoman needs more than words to spill something out”
“No, I suggest first we make ourselves aware of the mental states of the criminal, maybe, she had reason or…” Andrike said.
“Reasons or no reasons…she has committed a crime, a murder and she cannot justify herself for that. Still, we can see if she can open her mouth without us having to do more.”
Andrike was new to his profession, it had been months since he was working here as a police cop and had shown an impressive performance but at this, he was working on himself. He needed to work mechanically, go with facts and logics, not emotions. Despite he didn’t enjoy this part of his job, he was determined to perfect himself.
“Sir, if you say, may I give it a try?”
“It is hopeless; we have been trying since yesterday.” The new arriver said.
“Still, I will see what I can do” He went to the jail cell. Andrike hadn’t been there when she was arrested but others had reported that she was calm all the while. In a pretty good mood, in fact, a smile on her face, a tune she was continuously humming and despite all the people that had gathered in the apartment she didn’t leave her place and later did as the officers wanted her to. Andrike could sense it was nothing like most cases he had dealt with.
He opened the metal door that camouflaged with the metal bars, only, the hinges and the door made the door show. The girl sat in the corner on her knees. Not the least interested in the presence of someone she was playing with her chestnut brown hair, her hazel eyes set on her hand and in a low, sugary voice, she sung
“The drugs they say make us feel so hollow
We love in vain narcissistic and so shallow
The cops and queers to swim you have to swallow
Hate today, no love for tomorrow”
“Quit singing you hear that, woman?”
“There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind”
Andrike moved forward. I said stop lady, “He was into her personal space, far from being affected that at least made her let go the strand of here and look up
“I like Marilyn Manson, he knows how to make music,You get” she said as casually someone could after attempting a vicious murder.
“You need to answer what I ask, Do you get that? I need you to speak?”
“And I need you to get the fuck out of here and leave me alone. Do you get that? No? neither do I ”
Andrike forced to stable himself. This woman.
“Say why did you kill Alexander Cullen?” He asked boldly.
“Because his fate had gone blank, he had no future. His time was ended and he could go no further. I just did the god a little favor”
Twisted, this woman was.
“So you don’t want us to go easy right?”
“easy? You guys are so weird. Do you need me to accept my crime? Hello, you know well that I am the assassin, why to ask for a reason huh?”
“That none of your business but lady, you better not anger me more or…”
“You are yourself unaware of what your business is and what is not, get over with me and don’t bother your head. You don’t seem to have the tolerance to question me for eternity.”
“Listen, I don’t raise a hand on women or I swear you would have regretted your choice of words”
“Regret? me? Don’t make assumptions officer. I don’t tend to regret. You need to know a person pretty well before you bluntly declare that. Unprofessional of you, I would say”
“You need to be in an asylum, not a prison.”
“If I decided where I was going be, the last thing I would want is to sit in a cell being expected to answer pathetic questions”
The conversation was all like that, several more exchanges of word and Andrike could not bear it anymore. It was not Andrike’s way to losing temper but he was helpless here. He walked out, slammed the metal bars’ gate shut leaving it for the guard to lock and stomped outside. He had been very different with this particular woman; he never took it on a personal level and acted like this. He had learned to be patient, to deal with a cool head but maybe he was failing to understand the psychology this time.
The woman, Scarlet Kenneth’s house had been investigated well, there wasn’t much there, the books of old literature and a broken violin but nothing else that could tell anything about her. She had a computer which had only been used for college work and she had no online presence. Everything else was normal.
She wasn’t very old, about twenty-four and had a fine appearance but whatever till now, Adrike had heard about her, he was puzzled. There were several hypotheses he had made and the more he thought of it, it felt like he was on the wrong track, there were ought to be logics behind what she did and he couldn’t get anything out of her like that…maybe….
The day ended without any more progress and Andrike went home unable to get the awkward conversation he had with the murderess. There were ought to be logics. There were but then logic itself was in that that unusual behavior or emotions were a result of unusual happenings. He didn’t know if he was supposed to do anything like that but he believed his technique would work.
As the night past, Adrike, at his workplace, told the senior officer, the sophisticated, sincere man, what he thought would help them. He had left his words there, as someone hardly any experienced, he didn’t know if the senior would agree to him but it turned out he had noticed something similar Andrike had and so he decided he was letting the newcomer have a chance to prove himself capable.
Andrike went to the cell and made sure no one was around. Scarlet, like before, was sitting in the corner hugging her knees, the same tone on her mouth. She snorted as she saw Andrike approaching and rolled her eyes. The guard was sent off and very casually Andrike sat next to her.
“You won’t answer me right?” He asked never meeting her eyes; he sat in the same position as hers and stared into nothing.
“I will if you first answer me,prospective,” She said innocently. The innocence of a killer….
“Fine then, I will.”
“Isn’t it enough that I am the killer? Why do you want to know about whys?”
“I don’t, It doesn’t matter really since you have been proved guilty, I find no particular reason to disturb you further.”
“Then why do you?”
“Take it as wrong but we aren’t sincere with criminals.” He smiled.
“Will you stop bothering me after I tell you?”
“We can have the deal”
“Fine then. I killed Alex because I was starting to need him” And there she started again, speaking senseless stuff which had earlier tested Andrike’s patience.
“You loved him right? Why wouldn’t you want to need him?”
“No, I didn’t love him, I was starting to. He didn’t understand me, not the least, but I felt like making him understand which I shouldn’t have”
“Why not?”
“Mom said that the need of another must not be there. We should be alone, always” she told. “I don’t know my father but mom said that it was the need of him that caused her so much trouble. She wouldn’t even let me look at a guy you know. She was crazy. Not as much me but crazy”
“Oh...so…is that all?”
“Yeah”
“And that doll…”
“She is a friend of mine, mom bought it for me when I said that I felt alone, I like her, the doll, she is all I have after all”
“Why do you stab it then?”
“It argues with me sometimes, she is actually me, and I am the world”
“She is you?”
“Yeah, I don’t let perspective because I am the world. Aren’t things like that? you need to be how the world wants you too. She also served me as an inspiration. I liked how she was indifferent after getting so badly hurt. I wish I could be like that, like a robot, emotionless…”
Like a robot, emotionless, it got Andrike, he looked up at her as if she had said something humanly impossible.
“You wish to be like that? Seriously?” Did he just take the pointless conversation personally…unprofessional, very unprofessional.
“Yeah I do, it is just too hard to care about others, to endure pain when they give it, to make stupid decisions in the flow of emotions, I hated it all. My mother, she was the one who trusted my father, she was the one who had fallen into the pit of absurdity, ‘love’”
“So did you make it… to robot-hood?” He asked quietly.
“I killed out of fear of wanting someone, I was angry at myself for having emotions so no, I miserably failed but at least I don’t have guilt, meh, not that, that is too much”
“Do you think it is possible? To succeed?”
“Move forward”
Andike leaned to her.
“No” She whispered. “Don’t you ever try, don’t take it seriously, keep your rebellion alive or you will turn into something like me”
Andrike moved back, for a moment, horrified at the thought. She smiled.
“Don’t worry, you aren’t even capable of it. Us humans want to be better than others trying to follow the massive trail of logics but then, logics themselves collide with each other. A logic says that practicality over emotion decisions is wisdom but at the same time, it is human psychology to be trapped in their own emotions. You know what the funny part is?”
“Hm?”
“I tried to oppose this logic over fear, the ‘emotion: fear’ and become oppressed by my helplessness, I didn’t get anything following one logic but did get into great trouble for not following another, am I wrong or right with a decision?”
“Scarlet….”
“I know I know, I am over thinking that is why I told you, not to take emotions vs logic war to seriously. Trust me don’t, forget me and forget my words. Let’s just continue with the murder”
“Yeah, Alex left you right, he is with Jennifer? Didn’t that mean you could have distance from him? Then why did you kill him?”
“Jennifer must have told you a lot about me and Alex, an innocent lady she is. She knows nothing, you don’t expect a boy to tell her girlfriend certain things. Alex thought of me as crazy when he got to know a few things and he expected me to change, be how he wanted, he was almost manipulating and I couldn't bear that and then I was perfectly fine, at least from my point of view, I was and I wanted him to see things how I did so I tried making him see with the doll’s eyes, I told you, she was me. But all that was wrong, that was need, a need that turned my mother turned into a madwoman/ I can die than be a victim of that need. I went to all girls’ school to prevent it and met some bullying bitches, horrible ones. They had problems with me not wanting to be with guys and because of that, everything about me was wrong to them, clothing, interests and what not? And back then I had no way to tell them that our prospective were different but then…I think I got used to the isolation, not being with people…being alone as mother wanted me to be, there were ways I could not think of them but, mom committed suicide, I was twelve then and I was sent to a hostel ….more judgmental people were there to cope with, I had this doll with me and mother’s violin to hold dear but they took from me…and broke it… so I began stabbing the doll and make sure she would never be affected, she did good there. I told it all told it all to Alex and reacted like I was exaggerating things”
“So you killed him?”
“He saw I was angry and left for New York but he had pushed the wrong button and he had face because of it”
“I think it is enough” Andrike got up
“It is? I liked it…really but guess you won’t be here and I won’t be around either.” She smiled.
She was going to be sent off and Adrike wasn’t sure he liked the thought. “Bye Scarlet…” he murmured.
“I think I will miss you, you seem to understand…. I wish I could meet you a little before death.”
Adrike smiled, guilt and humor altogether filled him. “Me too”
“You aren’t bad ok, I would have enjoyed you.” She winked. “Just to tell , you know, I don’t think I would like a life in prison, I might plan to die before that so yeah it is a goodbye.”
Adrike sat back of the floor staring into her eyes from almost no distance at all, he had a smile coating terror and hatred for the circumstance but some part of him was happy. A mixed mess of emotions is always better than states of this woman. “You are crazy Scarlet.”
He kissed her lips.
__________________
“I can be by myself because I'm never lonely; I'm simply alone, living in my heavily populated solitude, a harum-scarum of infinity and eternity, and Infinity and Eternity seem to take a liking to the likes of me.”
― Bohumil Hrabal, Too Loud a Solitude
  
						Last edited by DestinyVamp; 10-29-2016 at 07:40 PM.
					
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Old 10-29-2016, 04:46 PM View Post #2 (Link) Review
Kronnersgirl (Offline)
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Okay.......This is really creepy. Creepier than I'd ever read but you wanted a review so I give it to you.

First of all, you need to space out your paragraphs. It makes it easier to read when you do that. Just saying

Scarlett: I feel sorry for her and then I don't feel sorry for her. She clearly has some mental issues but I still don't believe killing someone would make her feel any better.

She was really the main character in this story, no?

I'd love to see a sequel or prequel so I could know what happened to her a little better. I love seeing characters that have a story. I like knowing a character's past.

Write on!
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Old 10-29-2016, 11:54 PM View Post #3 (Link)
2sh4r (Offline)
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What I've done is I've taken your prose and altered it. I'm going to put my version and your version side-by-side so you can see the differences clearly.

First, here's the whole thing edited:
Spoiler:
He would tell me she was mad. Nobody at college sat with her. She was alone all the time. Then, the teacher paired her with Alex for an assignment, and he said they grew closer together. He said she was pretty much like everyone else until you actually talked to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back, but she wasn’t a nerd. Her taste in music, the way she dressed, it was all strange. She had some friends outside of school who were odd - a creepy sort of odd. And she had some dark philosophies she would explain in a way that he said was ‘enchanting’. It was like only she could see all the negativity in him. The advice she gave would always make him feel better. Then, things were perfect.”

Jennifer was done crying. She needed his lover to get justice now. Thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood her psychological state and given her some time. Yesterday, when everything happened, all she did was scream and later weep until it hurt her eyes to shed another tear. She was better now. She had changed from the blood-stained clothes into jeans and a tank top and was now at the police station.


Yours:
He would tell me that she was mad. No one at the college would ever sit with her; she was alone at all times.
Mine:
He would tell me she was mad. Nobody at college ever sat with her. She was always alone.

I cut out "that", "the", "would" because they were superfluous. I changed "would ever sit with her" to "ever sat with her" because its a smoother way of saying the same thing. Same thing with the last sentence.


Yours:
Then, the teacher paired her with Alex for an assignment, and they grew closer together. He said she was pretty much like everyone else until you actually talked to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back, but she wasn’t a nerd.
Mine:
and then she was paired with Alex for an assignment and he said they started growing together. He said that she was pretty much like all others but that was until you actually converse to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back but she was no nerd,
Nearly all the changes I have made are about flow. A lot of phrases were awkward, like "grow together" sounds like something trees do and not humans. By inserting "closer" in there, I have made it clear that these two people are getting to know each other.

Yours:
her taste in music, choice of colors, it was all strange. Not at the college but she had some other friends which he said were odd, creepy sort of odd but she herself, as he would say, had dark philosophies which she would put in a way they would sound ‘enchanting’.
Mine:
Her taste in music, the way she dressed, it was all strange. She had some other friends outside of school who were odd - a creepy sort of odd. She had dark philosophies she would explain in a way he said was ‘enchanting’.
Yours:
It was like she could read out all the negativity in him and the bits of advice in her talks would always make him feel better. Till their things were perfect.
Mine:
It was like she could see all the negativity in him and the advice she gave would always make him feel better. Then, things were perfect."
Yours:
Jennifer was done crying, she needed his lover to get justice now, thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood the psychological state and given her some time. Yesterday when it all occurred, all she did was screaming and later weeping until it would hurt her eyes to shed another tear. Her states were better now, she had changed from the blood stained clothes into a casual jeans and tank top and was now at the police station.
Mine:
Jennifer was done crying. She needed his lover to get justice now. Thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood her psychological state and had given her some time. Yesterday, when everything happened, all she did was scream and later weep until it hurt her eyes to shed another tear. Her state was better now. She had changed from the blood-stained clothes into jeans and a tank top and was now at the police station.
Does that read smoother? Let me know if you disagree with any of my suggestions, and we can talk about it. You should try and read some about writing. It'll teach you little rules that are useful.

Also, try to simplify your language. Right now, a lot of what you say sounds awkward, maybe because you're trying to use words in a new way. That's fine, but you can also try and write in a really simple way to make sure that everything flows naturally.
  
						Last edited by 2sh4r; 10-30-2016 at 06:40 PM.
					
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Old 11-17-2016, 08:43 AM View Post #4 (Link)
Charlotte S (Offline)
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This story was very good. In a creepy way. There are a few things that either need changing or didn't make sense.

YOU: “He would tell me that she was mad. No one at the college would ever sit with her; she was alone at all times and then she was paired with Alex for an assignment and he said they started growing together. He said that she was pretty much like all others but that was until you actually converse to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back but she was no nerd, her taste in music, choice of colors, it was all strange. Not at the college but she had some other friends which he said were odd, creepy sort of odd but she herself, as he would say, had dark philosophies which she would put in a way they would sound ‘enchanting’. It was like she could read out all the negativity in him and the bits of advice in her talks would always make him feel better. Till there things were perfect."

ME: Firstly this doesn't make sense. I didn't quite understand what you were saying, due to it being a detached sentence. 'He would tell me she was mad. No one at college would ever sit with her;she was alone at all times. Then the teacher paired her with Alex for an assignment. later, when asked, he said they started growing together from that point forth.' see how this makes more sense?

ME: Secondly, when you say 'She was into books, old ones, like from centuries back but she was no nerd, her taste in music, choice of colors, it was all strange' Too many coma's. Also you are being very colloquial, which is good in certain situations but unfortunately, in my opinion, not this one. Saying 'she was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back.' In this situation 'like' is not required, 'She was into books, old ones from centuries back that no one but old professors bothered to read....but she was no nerd.' I have put a full stop here because there is a natural break in the writing. ' Her taste in music and choice of colors, both were as strange as her choice of literature.

Moving onto the next part of your story, you need to space out your paragraphs.

YOU: Prospectives don't matter, they say.
He would tell me that she was mad. No one at the college would ever sit with her; she was alone at all times and then she was paired with Alex for an assignment and he said they started growing together. He said that she was pretty much like all others but that was until you actually converse to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back but she was no nerd, her taste in music, choice of colors, it was all strange. Not at the college but she had some other friends which he said were odd, creepy sort of odd but she herself, as he would say, had dark philosophies which she would put in a way they would sound ‘enchanting’. It was like she could read out all the negativity in him and the bits of advice in her talks would always make him feel better. Till there things were perfect."

Jennifer was done crying, she needed his lover to get justice now, thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood the psychological state and given her some time. Yesterday when it all occurred, all she did was screaming and later weeping until it would hurt her eyes to shed another tear. Her states were better now, she had changed from the blood stained clothes into a casual jeans and tank top and was now at the police station.'

ME: Spacing out the paragraphs as I have done with the former and latter paragraphs gives the readers a better understanding of what was happening. When I read this I was confused at first as to how the times change. One minute they are at a college, the next a police station where a girl Jennifer is 'done crying'. To be honest I though Jennifer was the weirdo you were talking about. I would suggest making it clear who you are talking about in the first paragraph.

YOU: 'Jennifer was done crying, she needed his lover to get justice now, thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood the psychological state and given her some time. Yesterday when it all occurred, all she did was screaming and later weeping until it would hurt her eyes to shed another tear'

ME: This doesn't make sense, i have read it again and again and though i can manage to grasp the jist of this piece, you need to be clearer in what you are saying. for example, 'Jennifer was done crying, Alex's ex lover needed justice, now.' Again i have put a full stop here because it makes more sense once you continue, 'Thankfully, this young man, the police officer, had understood her psychological state and had agreed to give her some time.' makes more sense right?

'Yesterday, when it all occurred, all she did was screaming and later weeping until it would hurt her eyes to shed another tear.' The only problems with this segment is the words you have used and your grammar. 'Yesterday, when everything happened, all Jennifer could do was scream. She was screaming until her throat was dry and her voice had left her body. When she could scream no longer, she wept. She wept until it hurt to squeeze as single tear from her tired, red eyes.' Do you see how this makes more sense and gives more detail into how the character is feeling. Your readers need to be able to feel the pain your characters are feeling. any emotion your characters are feeling, the readers need to feel.

'Her states were better now, she had changed from the blood stained clothes into a casual jeans and tank top and was now at the police station.' This segment makes more sense than the previous segments but there are a few simple things that need to be changed. 'Her mental state was better now; she had changed from the bloodstained clothes and was now dressed in casual jeans and a tank top, awaiting to be called upon at the police station.' This makes more sense and once again holds more details.


YOU: 'They were sitting on opposite sides of the table and till here, he had maintained a tone she had been quick to grow comfortable to.'

ME: This sentence didn't make sense until i read it a couple of times. It would sound better if you wrote it like, 'They were sitting on opposite sides of table, Jennifer preparing herself to say what she had to and the young officer preparing himself to hear whatever came from her lips. the tone he had maintained up until that moment disappeared as he began to question her. Jennifer missed the tone she had been quick to grow comfortable to but meekly listened to him.' The latter version is fuller and more understandable than the former and makes it easier for people to read.

YOU: “They would spend hours together and she started opening herself up to him a little more than she could have and her thoughts would literally disturb him—horrify him at times and not very soon after, he began fearing her, as if she was possessed and worse was that she would know everything, she studied him like his thoughts were on his face and he practically had to escape her....'

ME: Firstly you needed to space this out from the previous paragraph. If it weren't for the quotation mark, no one would have known she was speaking. Also you keep making your sentences long winded. People are going to get bored of reading a paragraph made of one sentence.


ME: "They would spend hours together. Eventually she started opening up to him, possibly a bit more than she should have. Her thoughts would literally disturb him-horrify him at times. Soon after Alex began to fear her, a fear that comes from someone who's girlfriend acts possessed. The worst thing was, she would know everything. she studied him like his thoughts were written on his face. he practically had to escape her...." see how it makes more sense to read?

YOU:She would know what was on his mind? Was it like telepathy or anything?”

“I don’t know, he said that her wording would hint answers to questions in his mind, and she would indirectly warn him about what her behavior was going to be later. And he used her advice to save himself.”

“Well, and the break up; how was that?”

“He told her nothing and fled to New York where we first met and despite having all the contact information, she never talked to him. Then months after we started going out she bumped into us outside a church, she greeted us both hardheartedly. She was so nice that I thought she was a friend or a relative of his. It was like this: she walked to us, said that it had been a while since they had met and hugged him then turned to me, asked if I was his girlfriend and complimented me and then even hugged me. She said that she would see him later and then walked away. It was later that he told me that it was his crazy ex. It happened around a week before….”

“See him some time later? Perhaps she did. How did he behave after meeting her? Was there a change you noticed in him, expressions, body language, anything?”

“A change? A drastic, very prominent change. He was terrified all along and was later murmuring weird stuff…. Some horrible woman she was. That stuffed doll she had with her, he said that she would stab it severally and talk to it, pretending that it was replying”

“I see, I see.” He sighed and lowered his eyes. “What you do remember about the crime scene?”
It at once changed the mood; Jennifer’s seemed pretty much a protest before it was mentioned. Her eyes dropped, she took her time being able to produce words and finally began with a weakness in her voice.

“As I entered the apartment…” she gulped. “Scarlet was sitting on the floor stroking the blond hair of the doll, the doll had missing eyes …..They were shoved up into where Alex’s were supposed to be—. I don’t know what she did to his but they were open…replaced by the doll’s. He had no clothes on and was stabbed everywhere except the face and the dagger was in his throat”

“Good lord….”

“I thought she would try to attack me but all she did was laugh hysterically when she saw me. I rushed outside yelling and calling people who didn’t dare to come forth to her and the Alex’s dead body but I couldn’t help myself. I went ahead and quaked him but he….”
The moisture of her eyes streamed down her face; no more did she hold herself strong and broke down in front of the sympathetic officer. He coughed seeming slightly uncertain about what to do and extended a glass of water to her “I… I saw him lying there,dead and she...she….”
Jennifer had no courage to speak more, the dryness of her throat made it hurt when she gulped saliva and so, to cure that, she lifted the glass of water and forced in a sip or two.

“It is alright. Thank you for the help, we will do what we can. You can leave for now”
The two rose from their spaces and the officer asked another to lead the lady out.
She wiped her eyes and exited the room.

ME: All I have done to remedy mistakes in this is change some vocabulary and space out the paragraphs.

YOU: “A pure snorter, this one is.” The officer sat back chewing his lips and resting his elbows on a table, the tip of his fingers joined together and a deep thought occupied him for the next moment. Suddenly, he left his chair and walked off to the senior officer not very far away.
“Sir, I have talked to the victim's girlfriend, by what she tells, it seems that this woman, Scarlet, was mentally…well, she was in uncanny states. Has she said anything till yet?”

"Not a single bloody word, Andrike, ” Said another approaching the two. “She is uttering nonsense, she won’t just answer a question right. That madwoman needs more than words to spill something out”

“No, I suggest first we make ourselves aware of the mental states of the criminal, maybe, she had reason or…” Andrike said.

“Reasons or no reasons…she has committed a crime, a murder and she cannot justify herself for that. Still, we can see if she can open her mouth without us having to do more.”

Andrike was new to his profession, it had been months since he had started working here as a police cop and had shown an impressive performance but at this, he was working on himself. He needed to work mechanically, go with facts and logic, not emotions. Despite the fact he didn’t enjoy this part of his job, he was determined to perfect himself.
“Sir, if you say, may I give it a try?”

“It is hopeless; we have been trying since yesterday.” The new arriver said.

“Still, I will see what I can do” He went to the jail cell. Andrike hadn’t been there when she was arrested but others had reported that she was calm all the while. In a pretty good mood, in fact, a smile on her face, a tune she was continuously humming and despite all the people that had gathered in the apartment she didn’t leave her place and later did as the officers wanted her to. Andrike could sense it was nothing like most cases he had dealt with. '

ME: Once again I changed vocabulary and paragraph spacing.


YOU: 'He opened the metal door that camouflaged with the metal bars apart from the hinges and the door which were proof of its existence.. The girl sat in the corner on her knees. Not the least interested in the presence of someone, she was playing with her chestnut brown hair, her hazel eyes set on her hand and in a low, sugary voice, she sung,

“The drugs they say make us feel so hollow
We love in vain narcissistic and so shallow
The cops and queers to swim you have to swallow
Hate today, no love for tomorrow”

“Quit singing you hear that, woman?”

“There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind”

Andrike moved forward. "I said stop lady," He was into her personal space, far from being affected that at least made her let go the strand of here and looked up,

“I like Marilyn Manson, he knows how to make music,You get me?” she said as casually someone could after attempting a vicious murder.

“You need to answer what I ask, Do you get that? I need you to speak?”

“And I need you to get the fuck out of here and leave me alone. Do you get that? No? neither do I ”

ME: This kind of language can be quite off putting to potential readers.

YOU: Andrike forced to stable himself. This woman.

“Say why did you kill Alexander Cullen?” He asked boldly.

“Because his fate had gone blank, he had no future. His time was ended and he could go no further. I just did the god a little favor”

Twisted, this woman was.

“So you don’t want us to go easy right?”

“Easy? You guys are so weird. Do you need me to accept my crime? Hello, you know well that I am the assassin, why to ask for a reason huh?”

“That none of your business but lady, you better not anger me more or…”

“You are yourself unaware of what your business is and what is not, get over with me and don’t bother your head. You don’t seem to have the tolerance to question me for eternity.”

“Listen, I don’t raise a hand on women or I swear you would have regretted your choice of words”

“Regret? Me? Don’t make assumptions officer. I don’t tend to regret. You need to know a person pretty well before you bluntly declare that. Unprofessional of you, I would say”

“You need to be in an asylum, not a prison.”

“If I decided where I was going be, the last thing I would want is to sit in a cell being expected to answer pathetic questions”

The conversation was all like that, several more exchanges of word and Andrike could not bear it anymore. It was not Andrike’s way to losing temper but he was helpless here. He walked out, slammed the metal bars’ gate shut leaving it for the guard to lock and stomped outside'

ME: So once again i spaced out the paragraphs and corrected some grammar. I also made the point about the f word.


YOU: He had been very different with this particular woman; he never took it on a personal level and acted like this. He had learned to be patient, to deal with a cool head but maybe he was failing to understand the psychology this time.

The woman, Scarlet Kenneth, her house had been investigated well, there wasn’t much there. The books of old literature and a broken violin lay around but nothing else that could tell them anything about her. She had a computer which had only been used for college work and she had no online presence. Everything else was normal.

ME: The whole sentence doesn't make sense and i cannot figure out what you are saying. Please do enlighten me at some point?

YOU: She wasn’t very old, about twenty-four and had a fine appearance but until now, Adrike had heard about her, he was puzzled. There were several hypotheses he had made and the more he thought of it, it felt like he was on the wrong track, there were ought to be logics behind what she did and he couldn’t get anything out of her like that…maybe….

The day ended without any more progress and Andrike went home unable to get the awkward conversation he had with the murderess out of his mind. There ought to be logics. There were but then logic itself was in that the unusual behavior or emotions were a result of unusual happenings. He didn’t know if he was supposed to do anything like that but he believed his technique would work.

As the night past, Adrike, at his workplace, told the senior officer, the sophisticated, sincere man, what he thought would help them. He had left his words there, as someone hardly any experienced, he didn’t know if the senior would agree to him but it turned out he had noticed something similar to what Andrike had and so he decided he was letting the newcomer have a chance to prove himself capable.

Andrike went to the cell and made sure no one was around. Scarlet, like before, was sitting in the corner hugging her knees, the same tone on her mouth. She snorted as she saw Andrike approaching and rolled her eyes. The guard was sent off and very casually Andrike sat next to her.
“You won’t answer me right?” He asked never meeting her eyes; he sat in the same position as hers and stared into nothing.

“I will if you first answer me,prospective,” She said innocently. The innocence of a killer….

“Fine then, I will.”

“Isn’t it enough that I am the killer? Why do you want to know about whys?”

“I don’t, It doesn’t matter really since you have been proved guilty, I find no particular reason to disturb you further.”

“Then why do you?”

“Take it as wrong, but we aren’t sincere with criminals.” He smiled.

“Will you stop bothering me after I tell you?”

“We can have the deal”

“Fine then. I killed Alex because I was starting to need him” And there she started again, speaking senseless stuff which had earlier tested Andrike’s patience.

“You loved him right? Why wouldn’t you want to need him?”

“No, I didn’t love him, I was starting to. He didn’t understand me, not the least, but I felt like making him understand which I shouldn’t have”

“Why not?”

“Mom said that the need of another must not be there. We should be alone, always” she told. “I don’t know my father but mom said that it was the need of him that caused her so much trouble. She wouldn’t even let me look at a guy you know. She was crazy. Not as much me but crazy”

“Oh...so…is that all?”

“Yeah”

“And that doll…”

“She is a friend of mine, mom bought it for me when I said that I felt alone, I like her, the doll, she is all I have after all”

“Why do you stab it then?”

“It argues with me sometimes, she is actually me, and I am the world”

“She is you?”

“Yeah, I don’t let perspective because I am the world. Aren’t things like that? you need to be how the world wants you too. She also served me as an inspiration. I liked how she was indifferent after getting so badly hurt. I wish I could be like that, like a robot, emotionless…”

Like a robot, emotionless, it caught Andrike's interest, he looked up at her as if she had said something humanly impossible.
“You wish to be like that? Seriously?” Did he just take the pointless conversation personally…unprofessional, very unprofessional.

“Yeah I do, it is just too hard to care about others, to endure pain when they give it, to make stupid decisions in the flow of emotions, I hated it all. My mother, she was the one who trusted my father, she was the one who had fallen into the pit of absurdity, ‘love’”

“So did you make it… to robot-hood?” He asked quietly.

“I killed out of fear of wanting someone, I was angry at myself for having emotions so no, I miserably failed but at least I don’t have guilt, meh, not that, that is too much”

“Do you think it is possible? To succeed?”

“Move forward”

Andike leaned to her.

“No” She whispered. “Don’t you ever try, don’t take it seriously, keep your rebellion alive or you will turn into something like me”

Andrike moved back, for a moment, horrified at the thought. She smiled.
“Don’t worry, you aren’t even capable of it. Us humans want to be better than others trying to follow the massive trail of logics but then, logics themselves collide with each other. A logic says that practicality over emotion decisions is wisdom but at the same time, it is human psychology to be trapped in their own emotions. You know what the funny part is?”

“Hm?”

“I tried to oppose this logic over fear, the ‘emotion: fear’ and become oppressed by my helplessness, I didn’t get anything following one logic but did get into great trouble for not following another, am I wrong or right with a decision?”

“Scarlet….”

“I know I know, I am over thinking that is why I told you, not to take emotions vs logic war to seriously. Trust me don’t, forget me and forget my words. Let’s just continue with the murder”
“Yeah, Alex left you right, he is with Jennifer? Didn’t that mean you could have distance from him? Then why did you kill him?”

“Jennifer must have told you a lot about me and Alex, an innocent lady she is. She knows nothing, you don’t expect a boy to tell her girlfriend certain things. Alex thought of me as crazy when he got to know a few things and he expected me to change, be how he wanted, he was almost manipulating and I couldn't bear that and then I was perfectly fine, at least from my point of view, I was and I wanted him to see things how I did so I tried making him see with the doll’s eyes, I told you, she was me. But all that was wrong, that was need, a need that turned my mother turned into a madwoman/ I can die than be a victim of that need. I went to all girls’ school to prevent it and met some bullying bitches, horrible ones. They had problems with me not wanting to be with guys and because of that, everything about me was wrong to them, clothing, interests and what not? And back then I had no way to tell them that our prospective were different but then…I think I got used to the isolation, not being with people…being alone as mother wanted me to be, there were ways I could not think of them but, mom committed suicide, I was twelve then and I was sent to a hostel ….more judgmental people were there to cope with, I had this doll with me and mother’s violin to hold dear but they took from me…and broke it… so I began stabbing the doll and make sure she would never be affected, she did good there. I told it all told it all to Alex and reacted like I was exaggerating things”

“So you killed him?”

“He saw I was angry and left for New York but he had pushed the wrong button and he had to face the consequences because of it”

“I think this is enough” Andrike stood up.

“It is? I liked it…really but guess you won’t be here and I won’t be around either.” She smiled.
She was going to be sent off and Adrike wasn’t sure he liked the thought.

“Bye Scarlet…” he murmured.

“I think I will miss you, you seem to understand…. I wish I could meet you a little before death.”

Adrike smiled, guilt and humor altogether filled him. “Me too”

“You aren’t bad, I have enjoyed you.” She winked. “Just to tell , you know, I don’t think I would like a life in prison, I might plan to die before that so yeah it is a goodbye.”

Adrike sat back of the floor staring into her eyes from almost no distance at all, he had a smile coating terror and hatred for the circumstance but some part of him was happy. A mixed mess of emotions is always better than states of this woman. “You are crazy Scarlet.”

He kissed her lips.

ME: Again i have spaced out your paragraphs. I also changed the word 'got' as it is a banned word when writing.

Good job, this is a riveting piece of work. I look forward to reading a sequel...if you write one.
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Old 12-28-2016, 03:23 AM View Post #5 (Link)
nikki_tikki (Offline)
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Originally Posted by DestinyVamp View Post
“He would tell me that she was mad. No one at the college would ever sit with her; she was alone at all times and then she was paired with Alex for an assignment and he said they started growing together. He said that she was pretty much like all others but that was until you actually converse to her. She was into books, old ones, like, from centuries back but she was no nerd, her taste in music, choice of colors, it was all strange. Not at the college but she had some other friends which he said were odd, creepy sort of odd but she herself, as he would say, had dark philosophies which she would put in a way they would sound ‘enchanting’. It was like she could read out all the negativity in him and the bits of advice in her talks would always make him feel better. Till there things were perfect” I think you want 'then' here. Also, this doesn't really sound like someone actually talking, to me. Especially someone in Jennifer's situation.
Jennifer was done crying, she needed his lover to get justice now, thankfully, this young man, the police officer, (Maybe change this to, 'This police officer, himself a young man' for better flow had understood the psychological state and given her some time. Yesterday when it all occurred, all she did was screaming and later weeping until it would hurt her eyes to shed another tear. Her states were better now, Maybe 'She was in a better state now' she had changed from the blood stained clothes into a casual jeans and tank top and was now at the police station.

“And what happened then?” The officer asked. They were sitting on opposite sides of the table and till here, I would change this to 'until then' he had maintained a tone she had been quick to grow comfortable to. He was perhaps an expert at dealing with the emotionally affected.
“They would spend hours together and she started opening herself up to him a little more than she could have and her thoughts would literally disturb him—horrify him at times and not very soon after, he began fearing her, as if she was possessed and worse was that she would know everything, she studied him like his thoughts were on his face and he practically had to escape her....”

“She would know what was on her mind? Was it like telepathy or anything?” Even when dealing with such a strange case, would a police office really suggest telepathy like this?
“I don’t know, he said that her wording would hint answers to questions in his mind, and she would indirectly warn her about what her behavior was going to be later. And he used her advice to save himself.”
“Well, and the break up; how was that?”
“He told her nothing and fled to New York where we first met and despite having all the contact information, she never talked to him and then, months after we were together she bumped into us outside a church where she greeted us both warmheartedly. She was so nice that I thought it was his friend or a relative. It was like this: she walked to us, said that it had been a while since they had met and hugged him then turned to me, asked if I was his girlfriend and complimented me and then even hugged me. She said that she would see him later and then walked away. It was later that he told me that it was his crazy ex. It happened around a week before….”
“See him some time later? Perhaps she did. How did he behave after meeting her? Was there a change you noticed in him, expressions, body language, anything?”
“A change? A drastic, very prominent change. He was terrified all long and was later murmuring weird stuff…. Some horrible woman she was. That stuff doll she had there with, I honestly don't know what this is supposed to mean, try to clarify. he said that she would stab it severally and talk to it pretending that it was replying”

“I see, I see.” He sighed and lowered his eyes. “What you do remember about the crime scene?”
It at once changed the mood; Jennifer’s seemed pretty much a protest before it was mentioned. Her eyes dropped, she took her time being able to produce words and finally began with a weakness in her voice.
“As I entered the apartment…” she gulped. “Scarlet was sitting on the floor stroking the blond hair of the doll, the doll had missing eyes …..They were shoved up into where Alex’s were supposed to be—. I don’t know what she did to his but they were open…replaced by the doll’s. He had no clothes on and was stabbed everywhere except the face and the dagger was in his throat”
“Good lord….” I presume the officer would have heard all of this already.
“I thought she would try to attack me but all she did was laugh hysterically when she saw me. I rushed outside yelling and calling people who didn’t dare to come forth to her and the Alex’s dead body but I couldn’t help myself. I went ahead and quaked him but he….” I think you want the word 'shook' here.
The moisture of her eyes streamed down her face; no more did she hold herself strong and broke down in front of the sympatric sympathetic officer. He coughed seeming slightly uncertain about what to do and extended a glass of water to her “I… I saw him lie dead and she...she….” I wouldn't say 'lie dead'. Maybe 'laying there'
Jennifer had no courage to speak more, the dryness of her throat made it hurt when she gulped saliva and so, to cure that, she lifted the glass of water and forced in a sip or two.
“It is alright. Thank you for the help, we will do what we can. You can leave for now”
The two rose from their spaces and the officer asked another to lead the lady out.
She wiped her eyes and exited the room.
“A pure snorter, this one is.” The officer sat back chewing his lips and resting his elbows on a table, the tip of his fingers joint together and a deep thought occupied him for the next moment. Suddenly, he left his chair and walked off to the senior officer not very far away.
“Sir, I have talked to the victim's girlfriend, by what she tells, it seems that this woman, Scarlet, was mentally…well, she was in uncanny states. Has she said anything till yet?” Maybe try 'based on what she says'
“Not a single bloody word, Andrike, ” Said another approaching the two. “She is uttering nonsense, she won’t just answer a question right. That madwoman needs more than words to spill something out” Try 'nothing but nonsense'
“No, I suggest first we make ourselves aware of the mental states of the criminal, maybe, she had reason or…” Andrike said.
“Reasons or no reasons…she has committed a crime, a murder and she cannot justify herself for that. Still, we can see if she can open her mouth without us having to do more.”
Andrike was new to his profession, it had been months since he was working here as a police cop and had shown an impressive performance but at this, he was working on himself. He needed to work mechanically, go with facts and logics, not emotions. Despite he didn’t enjoy this part of his job, he was determined to perfect himself.
“Sir, if you say, may I give it a try?”
“It is hopeless; we have been trying since yesterday.” The new arriver said. 'Arriver' isn't a word. I think you want 'arrival'.
“Still, I will see what I can do” He went to the jail cell. Andrike hadn’t been there when she was arrested but others had reported that she was calm all the while. In a pretty good mood, in fact, a smile on her face, a tune she was continuously humming and despite all the people that had gathered in the apartment she didn’t leave her place and later did as the officers wanted her to. Andrike could sense it was nothing like most cases he had dealt with.
He opened the metal door that camouflaged with the metal bars, only, the hinges and the door made the door show. The girl sat in the corner on her knees. Not the least interested in the presence of someone she was playing with her chestnut brown hair, her hazel eyes set on her hand and in a low, sugary voice, she sung
“The drugs they say make us feel so hollow
We love in vain narcissistic and so shallow
The cops and queers to swim you have to swallow
Hate today, no love for tomorrow”
“Quit singing you hear that, woman?”
“There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind”
Andrike moved forward. [S]I said stop lady, “[/S "I said stop, lady!" (Though this still seems like an overreaction for a supposedly logic cop. ]He was into her personal space, far from being affected that at least made her let go the strand of here and look up
“I like Marilyn Manson, he knows how to make music,You get” she said as casually someone could after attempting a vicious murder.
“You need to answer what I ask, Do you get that? I need you to speak.
“And I need you to get the fuck out of here and leave me alone. Do you get that? No? neither do I ” I can't tell if this is supposed to make no sense, because Scarlet is clearly unstable, or not. If it's supposed to make sense, it needs to be changed.
Andrike forced to stable himself. This woman.
“Say why did you kill Alexander Cullen?” He asked boldly.
“Because his fate had gone blank, he had no future. His time was ended and he could go no further. I just did the god a little favor”
Twisted, this woman was.
“So you don’t want us to go easy right?”
“easy? You guys are so weird. Do you need me to accept my crime? Hello, you know well that I am the assassin, why to ask for a reason huh?”
“That none of your business but lady, you better not anger me more or…”
“You are yourself unaware of what your business is and what is not, get over with me and don’t bother your head. You don’t seem to have the tolerance to question me for eternity.”
“Listen, I don’t raise a hand on women or I swear you would have regretted your choice of words”
“Regret? me? Don’t make assumptions officer. I don’t tend to regret. You need to know a person pretty well before you bluntly declare that. Unprofessional of you, I would say”
“You need to be in an asylum, not a prison.”
“If I decided where I was going be, the last thing I would want is to sit in a cell being expected to answer pathetic questions”
The conversation was all like that, several more exchanges of words and Andrike could not bear it anymore. It was not Andrike’s way to losing temper but he was helpless here. He walked out, slammed the metal bars’ gate shut leaving it for the guard to lock and stomped outside. He had been very different with this particular woman; he never took it on a personal level and acted like this. He had learned to be patient, to deal with a cool head but maybe he was failing to understand the psychology this time.
The woman, Scarlet Kenneth’s house had been investigated well, there wasn’t much there, the books of old literature and a broken violin but nothing else that could tell anything about her. She had a computer which had only been used for college work and she had no online presence. Everything else was normal.
She wasn’t very old, about twenty-four I think the police would know her real age if he was a attending a college. and had a fine appearance but whatever till now, Adrike had heard about her, he was puzzled. There were several hypotheses he had made and the more he thought of it, it felt like he was on the wrong track, there were ought to be logic behind what she did and he couldn’t get anything out of her like that…maybe…. but he he couldn't get anything out of her that way then, maybe...
The day ended without any more progress At this point, there hasn;t really been any progress in the case, so I would remove 'more' here. and Andrike went home unable to get the awkward conversation he had with the murderess. There were ought to [S]be logics[/Shave been logic behind her actions]. There were wasn't but then logic itself was in thatsaid that unusual behavior or emotions were a result of unusual happenings. He didn’t know if he was supposed to do anything like that but he believed his technique would work.
As the night pastpassed, Adrike, at his workplace, told the senior officer, the You're referring to this man specifically, use 'a' sophisticated, sincere man, what he thought would help them. He had left his words there, as someone hardly any experienced I'm not sure what you mean here , he didn’t know if the senior would agree to him but it turned out he had noticed something similar Andrike had and so he decided he was letting the newcomer have a chance to prove himself capable.
Andrike went to the cell and made sure no one was around. Scarlet, like before, was sitting in the corner hugging her knees, the same tone on her mouth. She snorted as she saw Andrike approaching and rolled her eyes. The guard was sent off and very casually Andrike sat next to her.
“You won’t answer me right?” He asked never meeting her eyes; he sat in the same position as hers and stared into nothing.
“I will if you first answer me,prospective,” She said innocently. The innocence of a killer….
“Fine then, I will.”
“Isn’t it enough that I am the killer? Why do you want to know about whys?”
“I don’t, It doesn’t matter really since you have been proved guilty, I find no particular reason to disturb you further.”
“Then why do you?”
“Take it as wrong but we aren’t sincere with criminals.” He smiled.
“Will you stop bothering me after I tell you?”
“We can have the deal” I'd change this to, "We can make a deal"
“Fine then. I killed Alex because I was starting to need him” And there she started again, speaking senseless stuff which had earlier tested Andrike’s patience.
“You loved him right? Why wouldn’t you want to need him?”
“No, I didn’t love him, I was starting to. He didn’t understand me, not the least, but I felt like making him understand which I shouldn’t have”
“Why not?”
“Mom said that the need of another must not be there. We should be alone, always” she told. “I don’t know my father but mom said that it was the need of him that caused her so much trouble. She wouldn’t even let me look at a guy you know. She was crazy. Not as much me but crazy”
“Oh...so…is that all?”
“Yeah”
“And that doll…”
“She is a friend of mine, mom bought it for me when I said that I felt alone, I like her, the doll, she is all I have after all”
“Why do you stab it then?”
“It argues with me sometimes, she is actually me, and I am the world”
“She is you?”
“Yeah, I don’t let perspective Unsure of you're meaning here because I am the world. Aren’t things like that? you need to be how the world wants you too. She also served me as an inspiration. I liked how she was indifferent after getting so badly hurt. I wish I could be like that, like a robot, emotionless…”
Like a robot, emotionless, it got Andrike, he looked up at her as if she had said something humanly impossible.
“You wish to be like that? Seriously?” Did he just take the pointless conversation personally…unprofessional, very unprofessional.
“Yeah I do, it is just too hard to care about others, to endure pain when they give it, to make stupid decisions in the flow of emotions, I hated it all. My mother, she was the one who trusted my father, she was the one who had fallen into the pit of absurdity, ‘love’”
“So did you make it… to robot-hood?” He asked quietly.
“I killed out of fear of wanting someone, I was angry at myself for having emotions so no, I miserably failed but at least I don’t have guilt, meh, not that, that is too much”Do you mean to say here that guilt is too much of an emothion? I think you could clarify.
“Do you think it is possible? To succeed?”
“Move forward”
Andike leaned to her.
“No” She whispered. “Don’t you ever try, don’t take it seriously, keep your rebellion alive or you will turn into something like me”
Andrike moved back, for a moment, horrified at the thought. She smiled.
“Don’t worry, you aren’t even capable of it. Us humans want to be better than others trying to follow the massive trail of logics but then, logics themselves collide with each other. A logic says that practicality over emotion decisions is wisdom but at the same time, it is human psychology to be trapped in their own emotions. You know what the funny part is?” 'Logics' is not a word.
“Hm?”
“I tried to oppose this logic over fear, the ‘emotion: fear’ and become oppressed by my helplessness, I didn’t get anything following one logic but did get into great trouble for not following another, am I wrong or right with a decision?”
“Scarlet….”
“I know I know, I am over thinking that is why I told you, not to take emotions vs logic war to seriously. Trust me don’t, forget me and forget my words. Let’s just continue with the murder”
“Yeah, Alex left you right, he is with Jennifer? Didn’t that mean you could have distance from him? Then why did you kill him?”
“Jennifer must have told you a lot about me and Alex, an innocent lady she is. She knows nothing, you don’t expect a boy to tell her girlfriend certain things. Alex thought of me as crazy when he got to know a few things and he expected me to change, be how he wanted, he was almost manipulating and I couldn't bear that and then I was perfectly fine, at least from my point of view, I was and I wanted him to see things how I did so I tried making him see with the doll’s eyes, I told you, she was me. But all that was wrong, that was need, a need that turned my mother turned into a madwoman, I can die than be a victim of that need. "I'd rather die than be a victim of that need. (Also, I would make a new paragraph here. You have a lot of dialogue, and Scarlet is moving into a new topic. I went to all girls’ school to prevent it and met some bullying bitches, horrible ones. They had problems with me not wanting to be with guys and because of that, everything about me was wrong to them, clothing, interests and what not? And back then I had no way to tell them that our prospective were different but then…I think I got used to the isolation, not being with people…being alone as mother wanted me to be, there were ways I could not think of them but, mom committed suicide, I was twelve then and I was sent to a hostel Why would an orphan be sent to s hostel. ….more judgmental people were there to cope with, I had this doll with me and mother’s violin to hold dear but they took from me…and broke it… so I began stabbing the doll and make sure she would never be affected, she did good there. I told it all told it all to Alex and reacted like I was exaggerating things”
“So you killed him?”
“He saw I was angry and left for New York but he had pushed the wrong button and he had face because of it” Are you trying to say, 'He had to face the consequences of it'?
“I think it is enough” Andrike got up
“It is? I liked it…really but guess you won’t be here and I won’t be around either.” She smiled.
She was going to be sent off and Adrike wasn’t sure he liked the thought. “Bye Scarlet…” he murmured.
“I think I will miss you, you seem to understand…. I wish I could meet you a little before death.”
Adrike smiled, guilt and humor altogether filled him. “Me too”
“You aren’t bad ok, I would have enjoyed you.” She winked. “Just to tell , you know, I don’t think I would like a life in prison, I might plan to die before that so yeah it is a goodbye.” This sentences is really jumbled.
Adrike sat back of the floor staring into her eyes from almost no distance at all, he had a smile coating terror and hatred for the circumstance but some part of him was happy. A mixed mess of emotions is always better than states of this woman. “You are crazy Scarlet.”
He kissed her lips. Bit random, but I think that was what you were going for?
Okay, so overall I really like this piece. It's got the creepiness factor down, but I have to acknowledge that it still needs work. Mostly you need to improve your phrasing, a lot of the writing doesn't really flow, and for the kind of story you seem to want to write flow is very important. You also have some spelling errors, but there are less of those.
Another thing you might want to add is paragraph spacing. Right now, everything seems to run together. In addition to paragraph spacing, I would add clearer scene breaks. Here, you have the same problem with everything running together.

Once again, when I just consider the story, it's really cool and interesting. It's the execution the needs work.
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