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Old 11-25-2016, 02:21 AM View Post #1 (Link) The Intruder
TheRaconteur (Offline)
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This is a story I wrote a few weeks ago that I think will be entertaining for those who read. This is a purposely cliche murder mansion mystery, BUT WITH ONE HUGE TWIST. Do you dare to read? (By the way, if you encounter any illogical instance in the story then please do not worry about it. It's most likely intended. You'll know what I mean). Now that I think about it, this isn't really as good as I thought it was. Oh well.

On one stormy night, distinguished guests of a formal ball partied in the host's mansion. As the weather grew worse outside, music, chatter, and laughter filled the ballroom. Though unbeknownst to all of them, a great evil would visit them. An hour into the party, the loud noise of glass breaking was heard by all. The curiosity of all peaked, and those closest to the direction of the noise decided to investigate. Among the group was Detective Herring, famous for his work. He lead the group of five through the hallways toward the noise.

When they turned on the next corner, their eyes encountered the sight of a broken window and an alien bunny that walked on its hind legs like a human. All gasped at the sight of it. "My God!" the host cried out. "Where are your formal clothes man!" He continued, oblivious of the fact that it was a bunny walking on two legs and that it broke through the window. "Sebastian! Get this man proper clothes. We can’t have one of our guest standing out negatively."

Everyone else murmured in agreement, oblivious too of its unnatural trait. The group headed back to the ballroom as the butler came to dress the alien bunny with a tuxedo the size of it that they apparently had for some random reason. The alien bunny joined everyone at the ballroom, somehow able to not attract attention. Despite the fluffy cuteness that it was, it had a secret, malicious, evil intent underneath its fur. A few minutes into the party one sole man developed the need to go to the bathroom. The alien bunny, still dressed in its tiny tuxedo, followed him stealthily, and by that it means it was just walking behind him since it was too small to easily detect. The man entered a bathroom with the bunny unknowingly carrying a knife behind him that it pocketed from earlier. Swiftly, the bunny lunged at the man and stabbed him behind the back, getting a spot of blood on its leg. Loudly, the man screamed in agony and quickly died from blood loss or something.

With the speed of a distressed bunny it ran out of the bathroom and into a room next to the ballroom. A group of people, including the detective, walked by to investigate the scream. Nonchalantly the bunny snuck into the ballroom. A few minutes later, the doors burst open with the group carefully carrying the body. The detective with a loud and authoritative voice shouted, "Everyone line up! One of you is the killer, and its time to question you all."

All of the people and the bunny lined up, and the detective began examining them one by one. He then came to the bunny, and noticed the red stain on its leg. His eyebrows became raised, and he said, "Well well well, looks like someone messed up."

The bunny stared into his eyes emotionless and speechlessly like the bunny that it was. "Listen here, I am quite disappointed. You have shamed people like you... If you're going to drink red wine, then do it carefully. Even those who are not wine connoisseurs know to be careful."

The alien bunny nodded as if it understood him. The detective continued on to the rest of the guests until he came upon one with a red stain on his shirt. "Aha! What is this here? Blood?!" Herring shouted.

"No, you've got it all wrong!" The guest pleaded nervously. "This is just red wine!"

"So original! I've seen plenty of blood in my line of work, and this looks just like a spot of some."

"But it is red wine!"

"And if this were to be tested positive?"

"There's no way."

"Fine. I'll get to testing right away."

The party was allowed to commence once more as the detective took the suspected guest to another room. While he was gone, the alien bunny killed another who strayed from the ballroom. Everyone gathered once more with the fear of them dominating them. The detective came back with a look of confusion. "This doesn't add up." He spoke.

Some guests wanted to leave immediately, but the storm ravaged to dangerously to allow them. Only one man left, but the rest were discouraged. Over the next hour, the bunny killed more and more, leaving the detective baffled. More time passed, and eventually only he and the bunny were left. Thoughts ran through Herring's mind as quickly headed to the roof. The bunny followed him, but he was too fast due to adrenaline. By the time it arrived at the door to the roof, the detective had already gone through. It followed him into the roof, and saw that he was standing on the low brick wall with his back turned to it. The storm had subsided slightly, but raindrops continued to fall from the sky. "I should have known." Detective Herring spoke as he faced the vast back lawn. "I had a feeling, but I didn't understand."

The bunny walked closer to him with a knife ready in its paws. Despite the easy target that the he made out of himself, the bunny did not strike. "All of this time..." He continued as he turned to face it now. "The killer was-"

The door to the balcony opened in a loud bang. Police in their blue suits appeared, their guns raised. "Me." Detective Herring finished.

"Detective Herring, step away from the wall with your hands raised! You there, get away from him!" One of the policemen shouted.

Herring raised his hands, but laughed softly and briefly. "I must pay the price for all my sins, for killing those people I swore to protect." He said.

"I said step away from the wall! You'll be paying for your crimes in prison you sicko."

Suddenly, the detective leaned backwards and fell from the edge. The policemen hurried to the wall, but they had no chance of saving him. A loud thud became audible, and the police began to walk away. "Another one huh." One young police man spoke. "You there, good job for taking the knife away from him. Please evacuate the building now."

And so the tale of an alien bunny that everyone somehow did not think was one ends here. It got away from all its murders with ease and no words, not that it could. It still roams the world, looking to satisfy it insatiable thirst for blood while fooling all it meets.

The End
						Last edited by TheRaconteur; 11-25-2016 at 02:23 AM.
					 Reason: Problems with copy and pasting
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Old 12-21-2016, 09:34 PM View Post #2 (Link)
JazzyRae (Offline)
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This is a very interesting story. And, it was entertaining to read. One thing confused me, though. Why did the detective say it was him when it was the bunny. You stated in the story it was, did the bunny fool the detective into thinking he was responsible? Anyway, I think it was funny when the detective was first accusing people and commented on the red wine. In the beginning of the story (this is really nit-picky) The beginning words "by all" was a little excessive. Other than that, this was a very funny and entertaining story to read! Great job on it!

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Old 12-22-2016, 03:33 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
TheRaconteur (Offline)
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Thank you for critiquing. It makes me happy to know that someone enjoyed it. As for the detective thing, it was to go along with the whole theme of "the bunny is innocent and is not a bunny for some reason". I will admit that I have a problem with repetition. I have been told so multiple times. Anyways, thank you.
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Old 02-20-2018, 10:39 AM View Post #4 (Link) Education
Isabelleedger (Offline)
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Most of the information has been conveyed with the help of the followers. The use of the image and best essays reviews has been done for the approval of all issues and topics for the use of the writers' capacity in this ambit.
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Old 03-08-2018, 08:00 PM View Post #5 (Link)
nameless (Offline)
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It was an interesting read, however, here are some suggestions I thought of as I read through. The first had to do with the plot of the story. I know that the detective is trying to figure out who was killing the guests, but perhaps looking at the story from the perspective of the character himself was not the best decision if you were trying to go for suspense. I mean you told us who is actually doing the killing (the alien bunny), so as far as your audience goes, we know who is at fault, and instead of trying to figure it out along with the detective, we are just waiting for HIM to figure it out in your story. So i'd say don't reveal too much too early, especially as something is crucial to the story like who is the actual murderer. Secondly, I was confused towards the end with the whole bunny and detective roles. At the end was it the bunny that was discovered to be doing the killing or the detective? I mean in the story you clearly stated that it was the bunny doing the killing, but then it somehow turned out to be the detective. Some extra info on why this is the case would be helpful. Aside from that, good story, it has a lot of potential. The whole alien bunny thing going on was... different, I mean that in a good way of course. I saw very little grammatical errors and if there are some, perhaps I just must have missed them. Good work!
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