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Old 10-21-2015, 08:11 PM View Post #1 (Link) A place in this world - Chapter 1
Hannah Barron (Offline)
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Chapter 1
I stared out of the taxi window, wondering which school I was going to, mum had said it was a surprise and that it was popular. I was hoping it was the one my friends Phillipa and Sam were going to, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to be, well 10 minutes later, we arrived, I had my hopes up, I closed my eyes as we pulled into the drive, then opened them, Yes!, I was going to Boyes School, where all my other friends were going. I admit i'm nearly 17 and i nearly jumped for joy, just to let you know I only had to join another school because my old one burned down, well me and mum got out of the taxi, she payed the driver and we walked into the building, it was so nice, blue and red. We both walked into the reception area and sat down, just as we sat down a boy about my age and, im guessing, his mum walked in, the boy sat down and smiled at me, i smiled back, then i pulled out my phone and turned it on, I don't know if you have ever had it but do you know the feeling you get when someone is staring at you? Well I got it, I looked up and the boy was staring at me

"What?" I mouthed at him, he shook is head and carried on staring. I was starting to get annoyed now, yes he was good looking but he needn't stare at me

"Gemma Carter" The receptionist called, me and mum looked up and went into a separate room, where a young kind woman was waiting, she asked me a few questions and then gave me my uniform, me and mum both headed outside, mums phone started vibrating, she gave me an apologetic smile and walked away, then the boy came out, he dug his hands in his pockets and walked over

"Hi" he smiled, I looked up from what I was doing and smiled

"Hi" I replied

"I'm Ollie" he said

"I'm Gemma" I said smiling again, he was really good looking, his blonde hair was gelled back and his blue eyes sparkled.

"I heard" he said, he looked down and i realized he was staring at my feet, I was confused, why was he looking at my feet

"Gemma!" mum shouted 

"Gotta go," I smiled at him and made my way to mum, i looked back and Ollie was still sat i the same position smiling at me "Bye" I shouted

He waved and walked away, I got in the car and me and mum drove home

"Mum can you drop me off at the coffee bar please?" I asked

"Yes sure" she replied



This is my first attempt at a romance story, hope you like it
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Old 10-22-2015, 12:12 PM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
Bernard_Riceler (Offline)
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-Your second sentence was very long and it needed to be broken up a bit more, it continued to drag on.
-I like how you built a sense of awkwardness through the description of the body language and the short, truncated dialouge.
-"I don't know if you have ever had it but do you know the feeling you get when someone is staring at you? Well I got it", I feel this doesn't fit very well, it just seems a bit odd to read, but maybe that is just me.
-I think you should build a stronger connection when the protagonist meets the boy. It should really grip the reader and make them question more about the 'romance' and be intrigued, the boy almost feels as if he is only an aquaintance.
-Try to 'show not tell'. So when you discover something (or the protagonist does), describe it and let the reader figure out for themselves rather then telling. e.g.
1) The day was hot, I was sweaty.
2) Rays of light shone down on my skin, forcing me to the shade. Large water droplets formed on my skin, like I had just jumped out of a shower.

-Really good try for a first time! I would like to see the story developed more with stronger passion and depth into the characters
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Old 10-22-2015, 02:31 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Hannah Barron (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Bernard_Riceler View Post
-Your second sentence was very long and it needed to be broken up a bit more, it continued to drag on.
-I like how you built a sense of awkwardness through the description of the body language and the short, truncated dialouge.
-"I don't know if you have ever had it but do you know the feeling you get when someone is staring at you? Well I got it", I feel this doesn't fit very well, it just seems a bit odd to read, but maybe that is just me.
-I think you should build a stronger connection when the protagonist meets the boy. It should really grip the reader and make them question more about the 'romance' and be intrigued, the boy almost feels as if he is only an aquaintance.
-Try to 'show not tell'. So when you discover something (or the protagonist does), describe it and let the reader figure out for themselves rather then telling. e.g.
1) The day was hot, I was sweaty.
2) Rays of light shone down on my skin, forcing me to the shade. Large water droplets formed on my skin, like I had just jumped out of a shower.

-Really good try for a first time! I would like to see the story developed more with stronger passion and depth into the characters
thanks
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Old 02-24-2016, 12:44 AM View Post #4 (Link)
therealsideoflife (Offline)
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I like it. But i believe the story to be told rather quickly. I think you should set the scene more, let the reader get to know Gemma a bit before you head into the main plot. Let them connect with her. And yes, your sentences are rather long!
But overall I think it is a good start.
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Old 07-02-2016, 02:26 PM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Hannah Barron (Offline)
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Im gonna post the newer version soon enough. Thanks for Critiquing my work though guys
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If you don't believe in magic, you can't write anything magical!
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Old 07-20-2016, 12:53 PM View Post #6 (Link) Feedback
ambitious.xx (Offline)
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Really good work for a first chapter! I really liked the short encounter between 'Ollie' and 'Gemma', it makes you curious about whether these two characters will form a good relationship.
However I feel that many of the sentences should have been shorter, just to keep the readers more engaged. Also, it would be great if you added more imagery of the characters surroundings and more details about the characters themselves so that readers will be more intrigued of the chapters to come.
Great work
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Old 04-02-2018, 05:23 PM View Post #7 (Link)
Ava (Offline)
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hi,

I'm new on this site so I might not be a great reference but I think it's a great start
Thanks a lot for sharing this! I'm sure the rest will be great to
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