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Old 03-24-2015, 03:41 AM View Post #1 (Link) Ballad of a Homeless Man
Jokes_on_you142 (Offline)
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NOTE: this song doesn't really have a chorus or bridge. It's also more of a blues song

I took it all to the city
Put on my tie and shined up my shoes
I can honestly say, when I left then, I had
Every intention to return to you

I felt so small when I got there
The world's big enough to swallow me whole
I guess I should count myself lucky, it just
Chewed up my cash spat me out on the road

Yeah, I guess I was a rich man
Until thirty-five minutes ago
Yeah, I guess I had a little more than I needed, now I got
Nothing to be, and no place to go

All my cards out where I left them
No more green in my hand no more tricks up my sleeve
And my friends, they were kind enough
To bring out my bags when they asked me to leave

All I wanted or desired
Was unfeeling and worthless and paper and green
The finest cuisine, the diamond's white sheen,
Oh, none of that is free~
The price is to high for a poor man, like me

Yeah, I guess I was a rich man
The years have rolled on but the street is the same
I may not remember what it feels like
To sleep in a bed, but the dream is the same

Yeah, I guess I was a rich man
'Till I shook off the dust of my faraway home
Now I know I don't deserve you, but
No man deserves to be all alone

Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change
Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change
Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change
Put some change in my hat, and I'll see you again
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Old 07-08-2015, 01:18 AM View Post #2 (Link) Nice
Do I Hear Music? (Offline)
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Nice, what was your inspiration?
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Old 08-07-2015, 09:26 PM View Post #3 (Link)
horselover913 (Offline)
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Faztastic! It sounds like 21st century country music . I loved it! It has a theme that is understandable and appropriate for young listeners. You've got an amazing talent!
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:39 AM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Jokes_on_you142 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by horselover913 View Post
Faztastic! It sounds like 21st century country music . I loved it! It has a theme that is understandable and appropriate for young listeners. You've got an amazing talent!
Haha thanks very much! And as a reply to the above poster about inspiration, there was really none this time. Inspiration is only needed when the mind is being too slow to work for itself, so of course, 98% of the time I do need some type of inspiration. Or you could say that all beings are inspired through the gift of God, which is ALWAYS the case, as without a mind or a body that God gave me, I would be inable to think at all. But, a long story short, there was nothing that I remember that made me go, "ah-ha! Of course! I shall now write a song about a man ruined by financial misfortune and unrealistic dreams!" But, sadly, there are always too many cases of that to be inspired of in real life. But I must point out that I am not a realist so I see no reason not to pursue those dreams as long as one does not try to gamble their way to success. Thanks for reading this long reply,
Jokes On You 142.
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Old 02-08-2016, 07:20 PM View Post #5 (Link)
rainbowroadkill (Offline)
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Really liking this - people will either relate or gain some understanding from it. I can imagine it having a good modern blues-type sound. I don't think this kind of thing would do immensely well in the mainstream scene (too much meaning, if I'm going to be honest) but I can imagine these lyrics being pretty successful otherwise. Great job! And I don't think the lack of structure takes anything away from it.
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Old 07-19-2016, 11:02 AM View Post #6 (Link)
Wasted Earthling (Offline)
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It's been a while since I visited or posted on here but the standard of crits judging by this thread seems to have taken a nose-dive. A lot of this is nice and generic platitudes but no real in-depth discussion of the work or suggestions for you to improve. The first thing to say is that the imagery in this is very powerful and builds up a nice story, I love a good old down and out tail and I sorted of sang this in a bastardised Bob Dylan style (he sings in third person so it was hard to adjust) mixed with a bit of Elvis in my head (to save the neighbours) as it had that sort of feel by the lyrics; looking at a desperate situation and trying to see the world through the people in it's eyes. There's an old West Ham FC footy song based on an American song called I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles which is about despair of watching a football match and I can see the chorus of that mirrored in this piece well (the bolded bit in particular). It really builds up a similar picture of success and failure as your piece did to me.

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air,
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.
Fortune's always hiding,
I've looked everywhere,

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air
Now for the more critical aspects of my crit. Some of the lyrics felt a bit clunky to me, or just a little off. I've tried to provide suggestions where I can for alternatives but at the end of the day you'll know what sounds right when you sing it to the rhythm you've set yourself. The one key thing I'll point out is your syllables are all over the place in the second half, which would make adding music to it a bit of a chore. I'm assuming green refers to money (namely American dollars) in this song rather than it's other common colloquial usage.

Originally Posted by Jokes_on_you142 View Post
NOTE: this song doesn't really have a chorus or bridge. It's also more of a blues song

I took it all to the city
Put on my tie and shined up my shoes
I can honestly say, when I left then, I had
Every intention to return to you

I can't tell if there's meant to be a momentary pause between I had and Every or if you've just parsed it like this so it looks nice.

I felt so small when I got there
The world's big enough to swallow me whole
I guess I should count myself lucky, it just
Chewed up my cash spat me out on the road

I'm not sure you need the 's on world here. The imagery can still be achieved with "the world big enough to swallow me whole" as you've just indicated feeling in the previous line - it could even make it slighter more accentuated.

Yeah, I guess I was a rich man
Until thirty-five minutes ago
Yeah, I guess I had a little more than I needed, now I got
Nothing to be, and no place to go

When I mentioned above about your syllables going wayward in the second half this verse stands out most. It's okay if your going to mix up the musical style a bit but i'll be harder to do if it's a reasonably consistent style song.

All my cards out where I left them
No more green in my hand no more tricks up my sleeve
And my friends, they were kind enough
To bring out my bags when they asked me to leave

This ones not really a criticism. Reads fine as it is, but I think you're going for a man whose been screwed over by those around him so it might better as leave out my bags rather than bring out my bags.

All I wanted or desired
Was unfeeling and worthless and paper and green
The finest cuisine, the diamond's white sheen,
Oh, none of that is free~
The price is to high for a poor man, like me

Again, I really like this verse. The whole rhythm issue comes back into play though as it's longer than the rest. The first free lines of this verse are very imaginative and build up a cracking imagery. I can literally see the down and out fella staring at a jewelers shop window and looking through the window of an upmarket restaurant as he sings.

Yeah, I guess I was a rich man
The years have rolled on but the street is the same
I may not remember what it feels like
To sleep in a bed, but the dream is the same

Yeah, I guess I was a rich man
'Till I shook off the dust of my faraway home
Now I know I don't deserve you, but
No man deserves to be all alone

Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change
Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change
Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change
Put some change in my hat, and I'll see you again
All in all it's a lovely piece and it's great as it is. Beautiful imagery, singable but a few improvements could be made. You clearly have a very imaginative mind and a great deal of work ethic to produce something like this.
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Old 07-19-2016, 07:52 PM View Post #7 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Jokes_on_you142 (Offline)
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Wow! I really appreciate that and I wish you could hear how it sounds with a melody~
Yes, the song does have fluctuations in rhythm, but that's only because it doesn't really have a structure like most songs you hear today. The only way to really show you just how it would sound would be to either transcribe it onto paper, or to send you an audio clip of my voice. The latter part would be a little strange for me to send to someone I don't even know. But, I could try to transcribe it via noteflight.com or something.


Originally Posted by Wasted Earthling View Post
It's been a while since I visited or posted on here but the standard of crits judging by this thread seems to have taken a nose-dive. A lot of this is nice and generic platitudes but no real in-depth discussion of the work or suggestions for you to improve. The first thing to say is that the imagery in this is very powerful and builds up a nice story, I love a good old down and out tail and I sorted of sang this in a bastardised Bob Dylan style (he sings in third person so it was hard to adjust) mixed with a bit of Elvis in my head (to save the neighbours) as it had that sort of feel by the lyrics; looking at a desperate situation and trying to see the world through the people in it's eyes. There's an old West Ham FC footy song based on an American song called I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles which is about despair of watching a football match and I can see the chorus of that mirrored in this piece well (the bolded bit in particular). It really builds up a similar picture of success and failure as your piece did to me.



Now for the more critical aspects of my crit. Some of the lyrics felt a bit clunky to me, or just a little off. I've tried to provide suggestions where I can for alternatives but at the end of the day you'll know what sounds right when you sing it to the rhythm you've set yourself. The one key thing I'll point out is your syllables are all over the place in the second half, which would make adding music to it a bit of a chore. I'm assuming green refers to money (namely American dollars) in this song rather than it's other common colloquial usage.



All in all it's a lovely piece and it's great as it is. Beautiful imagery, singable but a few improvements could be made. You clearly have a very imaginative mind and a great deal of work ethic to produce something like this.
  
						Last edited by Jokes_on_you142; 07-19-2016 at 07:53 PM.
					
					 Reason: grammar ;P
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