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Old 05-03-2016, 11:33 AM View Post #1 (Link) Chase.
Leggy (Offline)
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Prologue

Darkness swallowed his heavily muscled body. His pursuer was hot on his heels and Jay knew he was not far back. The rain just worsened the current situation-- it made the ground slippery and made it more possible for Jay to slip and get caught.

Panting heavily, Jay started to slow down and although he stumbled quite a few times, he forced himself to get back on his feet. He couldn’t die. He knew how important he was to the fate of the world. Unless…

Unless his son could take over him.

Jay’s heart ached at the thought of his dear son facing danger and sacrificing his childhood because of his irresponsible father. Jay wanted his son to have a happy, carefree childhood, but he knew that his only other choice was to let his son take over. His chances of escaping this alive was slim, almost none. I’m sorry, my son. I’m so sorry for getting you into so much trouble, I’m sorry that I will take away your childhood, I’m sorry…

“Aha! There you are! You” A chilly voice rang out behind. Jay shuddered, but this time he did not resist. Closing his eyes, he waited for the bullet to come.
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Old 05-10-2016, 12:50 PM View Post #2 (Link) Comments
Rhiannon (Offline)
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First off, I love the idea of prologue. I really think it gives a story true depth and explains what happened before the real excitement. Second, You have a great way with words and really fill your stories with suspense and mystery. I really like that. And finally, I thought you had great adjectives throughout the story which really helped me picture the scene.

PS: I think that this scene would have been even more great if you described the setting in a little more detail.
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Old 05-28-2016, 04:23 AM View Post #3 (Link) Great!
DestinedToWrite (Offline)
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Hi Leggy, your prologue is very good! It isn't too suspenseful so the reader is disappointed, but it keeps the reader reading! I love how you described the son and how the father didn't want the son to suffer because of his actions.

First thing, it would be great if you described the "chilly voice" more in detail, like this, "A chilly, dark voice rang out behind him, scaring him to his toes. "

Second, I like how you used multiple emotions at once, like regret, fear, and worry. However, if you described them in more detail, they would be more effective, like this, "the rain did nothing but worsen the whole situation, puddles of water and mud could slow him down, or even worse, let the pursuer catch up."

All in all, the prologue is great, but a little tweaking and writing could make it BRILLIANT!
  
						Last edited by DestinedToWrite; 05-28-2016 at 04:31 AM.
					
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Old 05-28-2016, 12:18 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Leggy (Offline)
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Thanks everyone. You all are great help. =)
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Old 05-29-2016, 08:18 AM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Leggy (Offline)
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I look forward to more critiques.
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:15 AM View Post #6 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Leggy (Offline)
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Oh yes... I stopped writing this story, so yeah.
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~Leggy


I'm one with the thunder, I'm one with the storm.




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