Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply  Find Chapters
 
Thread Tools
Old 02-19-2016, 03:38 AM View Post #1 (Link) To Love the Other Half: Chapter One, Collin's POV
Blue_Beauty (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Blue_Beauty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 17
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 2
I couldn't stop the soft groan from escaping my lips, as I closed my eyes to further indulge myself with the desirable scent lingering in the air. It filled my nasal passages and burned down my throat, making my chest tighten from the urge to control my thirst. My instincts were to instantly attack, bite, feed.



I was crouched on a tree branch, observing the helpless little deer that had become my target. My mouth began to water at the smell of its delicious warm blood, and my instincts took over. I pounced with stealth, pinning the deer to the ground before it could realize its predicament. My lips made contact, and my teeth sunk in, as I drained the deer of its life. Its warm blood travelled through my body, reaching my core. I released the creature, wiping my mouth clean, as I looked down at its now lifeless form. The word 'killer' settled in my brain, feasting from the inside out. I pretended as if the word didn't exist, allowing the beast within to engulf me once more.



Three deer later, I emerged from the woods. My entire being now felt replenished. Feasting on the blood of animals was my source of survival. It came naturally. It's what I was built for, and yet each time I let my instincts take control I felt guilty. I'd think about my family, and of my father, and then my mother. My eyes went up to the thin canopy of leaves forming slightly overhead from both sides.



The thought of my mother was overwhelming at times. I barely had a coherent memory of her, and yet I knew all to well what I had done. I was born a monster, brought into this world a killer, a murderer. All I knew was the innate desire to feed, a thoughtless action beyond my control. I wasn't given a choice, but my father was. Selfishly, he had chosen wrong. I wanted to hate him for that. I wanted to hate him for so many reasons.



I took a deep breath, becoming aware of the fact that my jaw had tightened and my hands were clenched into fists. There was a heat rising from my center, anger boiling within me. I closed my eyes, trying to force the burdensome thoughts from my mind. They never seemed to go away, not completely.



My eyes snapped open, the sound of a vehicle filling my ears. Although I figured it was still a few miles down the way, I stepped off of the road. Taking this route home often, I would only see a few cars pass by. I didn't live in a particularly busy area. The road was only so big, divided by a double solid yellow line. My family wasn't one to call much attention onto themselves, which is why we lived in the rural area right outside of Lochton.



As the sound of the vehicle became less distant, I could see a U-HAUL coming up the road. They were likely settling within the town.



There was an older looking woman in the driver's seat of the U-HAUL. She had to be no older than 40. I knew that I was now in her range of vision because her eyes drifted my way. They settled on me until she passed.



A white Volkswagen Beetle was following not far behind. The two had to be headed for the same destination, just by the amount of stuff piled inside the car. The girl in the driver's seat also looked undeniably like the woman in the U-HAUL, but younger.



As the car went past me, I watched it from the corner of my eye. My ears suddenly filled with the sputtering of it's engine, and I turned to see it slowing to a stop. The blue-eyed girl hopped from the driver's seat, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, her lips parted as her eyes settled on the Beatle and then me. They darted away embarrassedly, and she turned the other direction, pulling her phone from her pocket.



"My uncle is a mechanic," I heard the words escape from my lips.



"What?" She looked over her shoulder at me.



"My uncle is a mechanic," I repeated.



She stared at me masked in confusion. I was trying to figure out why I said anything at all. The longer I stood there, the more I could smell of her. I knew I wouldn't harm her though. I was used to the smell of human blood.



"I gotta call my mom," She responded hesitantly.



Her eyes travelled my body, and again she looked away when she caught my eye. I wondered, as I did so many times before, why such a monster was created. A beast free of imperfection, flawless to the human eye, irresistible. Too easy to lure the prey in, too easy to kill. I refused to take advantage of who I am. She hung up the phone and slid it back in her pocket.



"So your uncle?" She asked, seeming unsure.



"I need your phone to call him." I closed the distance between us, her body tensing.



"You don't have a phone?" One eyebrow raising as if to challenge me.



"I'll let you figure that out." I turned and walked off in my original direction. She either needed help or she didn't. It wasn't my job to convince her of either.



"Wait! What are you doing?" I could hear her scurrying after me.



"Leaving," I answered simply.



I couldn't hear her footsteps any longer, so I figured she decided to stop following me. I felt a little guilty for walking off. I'd just tell Uncle Felton where to find her.



It was me, my Uncle Felton, Aunt Clara, cousin Zac, and his mate Natalie. They were my only family, all of them vampires. I am part human.


Hi! Thanks for giving my chapter a read. I would really appreciate if you could:

1) give me some feedback on my development of the characters, more specifically Collin (for now). Are the emotions visible and clear? Do they have substance?

2) give feedback on the dialogue (what little bit there is lol). Is it boring? Does it seem forced? Do you think there should be a bit more there?

3) give feedback on the ending. does it end too abruptly? Do you think I should add a bit more?

4) provide any other comments that you may have on the chapter. The more criticism the better, but it would also be helpful to know what you like about the chapter as well.

Again thank you
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-10-2016, 06:23 PM View Post #2 (Link) Re: To Love the Other Half: Chapter One, Collin's POV.
urielyr (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 3
Points: 16.65
Times Thanked: 0
I think you could really get a feel for what the characters were thinking and feeling. A feeling of anger and reluctance to talk on Collin's part and a sense of urgency on the lady's.

As for the dialogue, I think it flowed just like a real conversation would. The ending did not feel rushed like you thought it would. I felt sorry for Collin because he's a monster he doesn't want to be. And also because his parents are dead.
  Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2016, 07:33 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Andromeda (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 2
Points: 15
Times Thanked: 0
1) The development of Collin is very good. The reader gets an understanding of his personality, can relate to him, and will sympathize with him. My only suggestion would be to give a better description of him. For example, when the girl's eyes travel down his body, you could describe what she is seeing: his hair color, eye color, hair, unusual markings, etc.

2) If the girl will remain in the story then I would add some more dialogue. You could have her ramble nervously about moving, where she came from, why she is moving, etc. This will help in understanding this new character. For example, if the girl is from a big city and sounds bitter about moving then the reader will know that she likes big towns, she is probably social or enjoys being around people, she may have a hard time adjusting to a small town, etc.

3) Instead of saying, "It was me, my Uncle Felton....", you might try something like "I lived with my Uncle Felton, Aunt Clara, cousin Zac, and his mate Natalie in a small, remote cabin deep in the forest of Lochton". Basically, describe where they live and what their house is like. This will also give a sense of wealth and values. As a reader, I want to be able to picture everything that is happening, so as he heads home, I want to visualize what home is.

4) Is Lochton in the US, Europe, another country, or a new world that you created? If it is clear exactly where the town is located then I think it would give readers a better understanding of Lochton.

There were a couple of redundancies that you might consider omitting or editing. The first was "My mouth began to water at the smell of its delicious warm blood..." I don't think you need "delicious" in there because mouth watering insinuates that it is appealing. The second was "They were likely settling within the town". I think you can omit that because I'm the preceding sentence you mention that he sees a U-Haul, which alludes to someone moving.

You might reconsider the wording on the following sentence: "There was an older looking woman in the driver's seat of the U-Haul. She had to be no older than 40." Depending on your target market, using the word "older looking" when describing a woman under 40 might come off as offensive.

One last suggestion, if the female characters in this scene are going to remain in the story, you could describe what is in the car rather than saying "stuff piled inside the car". This will give the reader a better understanding of the personality and values of the other characters.

Overall, this is a very good start. I look forward to reading more of your story.
  Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2016, 10:48 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Storyteller (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Storyteller's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: In the depths of my imagination, look for the phoenixes
Posts: 5
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
This is my first critique so if it seems a little weird, that's why. All my suggestions and comments are in bold

Originally Posted by Blue_Beauty View Post
I couldn't stop the soft groan from escaping my lipsNo comma as I closed my eyes to further indulge myself with the desirable scent lingering Maybe on not in the air. It filled my nasal passages and burned down my throat, making my chest tighten With might read smoother than from the urge to control my thirst. My instincts were to instantly attack, bite, feed.



I was crouched on a tree branch, observing the helpless little deer that had become my target. My mouth began to water at the smell of its delicious warm blood, and my instincts took over. I pounced With stealth feels weird here, stealth is something you use before you pounce, pinning the deer to the ground before it could realize its predicament. Possible rewrite of this sentence: I bent over it and sank my teeth in, draining the deer of its life. (Lips making contact puts me in mind of kissing)My lips made contact, and my teeth sunk in, as I drained the deer of its life. Its warm blood travelled through my body, reaching my core. I released the creature, wiping my mouth clean no comma as I looked down at its now lifeless form. The word 'killer' settled in my brain, feasting from the inside out This phrase doesn't seem to quite fit. I pretended as if the word didn't exist, allowing the beast within to engulf me once more.



Three deer later, I emerged from the woods. My entire being now felt replenished. Feasting on the blood of animals was my source of survival. It came naturally. It's what I was built for, and yet each time I let my instincts take control I felt guilty. I'd think about my family, and of my father, and then my mother. As I thought of my mother,My eyes went up to the thin canopy of leaves above me



The thought of my mother was overwhelming at times. I barely had a coherent memory of her, and yet I knew all to well what I had done. I was born a monster, brought into this world a killer, a murderer. All I knew was the innate desire to feed, a thoughtless action beyond my control. I wasn't given a choice, but my father was. Selfishly, he had chosen wrong. I wanted to hate him for that. I wanted to hate him for so many reasons. If Collin wants to hate his father so badly, why doesn't he?



I took a deep breath, becoming aware of the fact that my jaw had tightened and my hands were clenched into fists. There was a heat rising from my center, anger boiling within me. I closed my eyes, trying to force the burdensome thoughts from my mind. They never seemed to go away, not completely.



My eyes snapped open When did they close?, the sound of a vehicle filling my ears. Although I figured it was still a few miles down the way, I stepped off of the road. Taking this route home often, I would only see a few cars pass by. I didn't live in a particularly busy area. The road was only so big, divided by a double solid yellow line. My family wasn't one to call much attention onto themselves, which is why we lived in the rural area right outside of Lochton. This seems like an info dump



As the sound of the vehicle became less distant, I could see a U-HAUL coming up the road. They were likely settling within the town. Why does Collin come to this assumption? Is there a house for sale in the town? Many houses for sale? It seems like a small town, would this be pretty big news?



There was an older looking woman in the driver's seat of the U-HAUL. She had to be no older than 40. These two sentences are contradictory, choose one or the other I knew that I was now in her range of vision because her eyes drifted my way. Is this important? They settled on me until she passed.



A white Volkswagen Beetle was following not far behind. The two had to be headed for the same destination, judging by the amount of stuff I could seepiled inside the car. The girl in the driver's seat also looked undeniably like the woman in the U-HAUL, but younger. This sentence seems kind of awkward



As the car went past me, I watched it from the corner of my eye. My ears suddenly filled with the sputtering of it's engine, and I turned to see it slowing to a stop. The blue-eyed girl It might be just me but repeated use of the word girl puts me in mind of a young childhopped from the driver's seat, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, her lips parted as her eyes settled on the Beatle and then me. If she's worried about her car why would she be looking at him?They darted away embarrassedly, and she turned the other direction, pulling her phone from her pocket.



"My uncle is a mechanic," I heard the words escape from my lips.



"What?" She looked over her shoulder at me.



"My uncle is a mechanic," I repeated.



She stared at me masked in confusion. I was trying to figure out why I hadsaid anything at all. The longer I stood there, the more I could smell of her. I knew I wouldn't harm her though. I was used to the smell of human blood.



"I gotta call my mom," She responded hesitantly.



Her eyes travelled my body, and again she looked away when she caught my eye. I wondered, as I did so many times before, why such a monster was created. A beast free of imperfection, flawless to the human eye, irresistible. Maybe make it clearer the monster is Collin, it takes a bit of thought to come to that conclusionToo easy to lure the prey in, too easy to kill. I refused to take advantage of who I am. She hung up the phone and slid it back in her pocket. Did she call her Mom or not?



"So your uncle?" She asked, seeming unsure.



"I need your phone to call him." I closed the distance between us, her body tensing.



"You don't have a phone?" One eyebrow raising as if to challenge me.



"I'll let you figure that out." I turned and walked off in my original direction. She either needed help or she didn't. It wasn't my job to convince her of either. Why can't he just say yes or no?



"Wait! What are you doing?" I could hear her scurrying after me.



"Leaving," I answered simply.



I couldn't hear her footsteps any longer, so I figured she had decided to stop following me. I felt a little guilty for walking off. I'd just tell Uncle Felton where to find her.



It was me, my Uncle Felton, Aunt Clara, cousin Zac, and his mate Natalie. They were my only family, all of them vampires. I am part human. This sentence seems like it was just tacked to the end as an afterthought


Hi! Thanks for giving my chapter a read. I would really appreciate if you could:

1) give me some feedback on my development of the characters, more specifically Collin (for now). Are the emotions visible and clear? Do they have substance?
It came across clearly that Collin thinks himself a monster. I felt more attached to him in the beginning when it was just him, his personality seems to change from the sensitive slayer to an indifferent one

2) give feedback on the dialogue (what little bit there is lol). Is it boring? Does it seem forced? Do you think there should be a bit more there?
The dialogue is smooth, it doesn't seem forced at all

3) give feedback on the ending. does it end too abruptly? Do you think I should add a bit more?
Besides the part explaining his family, I think it ends in the right place.

4) provide any other comments that you may have on the chapter. The more criticism the better, but it would also be helpful to know what you like about the chapter as well.
I like Collin as a character, his inner conflict was really interesting. (In fact playing it up a little bit by adding little things like maybe he says sorry to all his kills or something could add a little more character depth) His backstory is really interesting as well, will there be more of that eventually? I'm not normally a fan of vampire books but this looks really interesting!

Again thank you
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:40 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.