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Old 02-24-2016, 01:50 AM View Post #1 (Link) Harsh Realities.
therealsideoflife (Offline)
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Please comment your thoughts. This is just the opening of the story. I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd give it a shot. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE****




I’ve lost my friends. All great novels seem to start with a capturing opening line, and i’m sorry to disappoint but this is not one of those novels. Whenever a group of friends head out into town, someone will always end up on their own. Well, that’s me. I only went to the bathroom for five fucking minutes and they’re gone. So I’m standing here, alone, next to a creepy old man who smells like he lives in the dumpster behind my house, and what makes it worse is he keeps on staring at my arse. Maybe I should say something. I think I should say something, so I turn around and stare at him. I’m not sure what to say.

“Can I help you my love?” He asks me whilst leering. This just annoys me even more, I think the vein in my forehead might pop.

“Yes, in fact you may. Would you be so kind as to stop staring at my arse?” I demand. My hand is gripping my glass so tight I think it might smash. He scoffs. What a twat. 


“I’m sorry darling, can I buy you a drink?” He then leans in closer towards me. The vein in my forehead is most definitely going to pop.

“Look pal, if you don't back off I’m going to have to get you kicked out and I’m sure the bouncers have lots of better things to be doing” I growl at him. Why will he not leave me alone. I don’t know what it is about men in bars, they think they have some sort of power over all the woman there, as if they’re taking a trip to the petting zoo and the drinks are our food so they're allowed to touch. 


“Alright lass, I was only being kind. You should feel flattered, it’s not like you’re here with anyone else is it?” This struck a nerve. I could feel the anger building up inside of me and before I know it I’ve slammed my heel down onto his foot. He yelps. I can’t help but stifle a grin, and now he's glaring at me.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” He yells in my face. I can smell the beer on his breath, he’s so close I could bite the tip of his nose off. He's grabbed me by the shoulders. What a complete twat. By now I have no control over my bodily functions and I’m slapping him in the face. He spits at me. I am now mortified, this was not how I imagined my night to go. I glance a look behind me to see if anyone has noticed this little rendezvous and I see a small skinny bouncer who looks to be no more than 18 slowly wander towards us. I roll my eyes. Like this guy can help. He grabs the old man and pulls him away from me. I can finally wipe away that disgusting spit off my face.

“Whats going on?” The bouncer asks us. The man scoffs, again. 


“That bitch attacked me, I offered to by her a drink and she attacked me. She’s a psycho!” The man yells, you could hear the slur in his voice. Drunken idiot. I compose myself before I explain the situation.

“I don't quite think that’s what happened. He was staring at my arse, I asked him to stop, he didn’t so I stumped his foot. I believe it was quite a calm reaction really.” The bouncer looks me up and down, calculating whether I look like a girl that wants to cause trouble. I can see it in his face, he thinks I am that exact girl. He lets go of the man.

“Right well I think its time for you to leave miss” He says whilst motioning to the exit. I am in disbelief. Where the fuck are my fucking friends. I sigh, this is not a fight that I am going to win. Scrawny boy has obviously sided with the old man and I am left for the streets of Manchester, so I leave with any dignity that I have left. Which is not a lot.

I’m 23 years old and I’ve ended up in McDonalds on my own at 2:30am searching through my phone for anyone to come and collect me. No-one answers. This is just utter crap. I decide that I might as well just walk home as the night has come to a horrible but tasty ending. Gripping my double cheeseburger as though it were my old child, I walk down the side alleys towards the place I call my home. You can hear the yelling of all the drunken idiots who have still managed to stay with their friends, laughing and joking. I sigh and take a huge bite out of my burger in the hopes that it will fill the hole in my stomach. I don’t know what it is about going out clubbing and ending up with the greasiest and probably the most disgusting food ever known to this planet, but for some reason at that time you think God might as well have created this burger himself. It tastes so divine, you think that food can’t ever get any better than this. Well let me tell you, it can. When is that? When you’re sober.
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Old 03-11-2016, 03:58 AM View Post #2 (Link)
urielyr (Offline)
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First, a quick copyedit

Originally Posted by therealsideoflife View Post
I’ve lost my friends. All great novels seem to start with a capturing opening line, and i’m sorry to disappoint but this is not one of those novels. Whenever a group of friends head out into town, someone will always end up on their own. Well, that’s me. I only went to the bathroom for five fucking minutes and they’re gone. So I’m standing here, alone, next to a creepy old man who smells like he lives in the dumpster behind my house, and what makes it worse is he keeps on staring at my arse. Maybe I should say something. I think I should say something, so I turn around and stare at him. I’m not sure what to say.

“Can I help youcomma my love?” He asks me whilst leering. This just annoys me even more,period I think the vein in my forehead might pop.

“Yes, in fact you may. Would you be so kind as to stop staring at my arse?” I demand. My hand is gripping my glass so tight I think it might smash. He scoffs. What a twat. 


“I’m sorry darling, can I buy you a drink?” He then leans in closer towards me. The vein in my forehead is most definitely going to pop.

“Look pal, if you don't back off comma I’m going to have to get you kicked outcomma and I’m sure the bouncers have lots of better things to be doing” I growl at him. Why will he not leave me alone. I don’t know what it is about men in bars, they think they have some sort of power over all the woman women there, as if they’re taking a trip to the petting zoo and the drinks are our foodcomma so they're allowed to touch. 


“Alright lass, I was only being kind. You should feel flattered, it’s not like you’re here with anyone else is it?” This struck a nerve. I could feel the anger building up inside of me and before I know it I’ve slammed my heel down onto his foot. He yelps. I can’t help but stifle a grin, and now he's glaring at me.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” He yells in my face. I can smell the beer on his breath, he’s so close I could bite the tip of his nose off. He's He grabbed me by the shoulders. What a complete twat. By now I have no control over my bodily functions and I’m slapping him in the face. He spits at me. I am now mortified, this was not how I imagined my night to go. I glance a look behind me to see if anyone has noticed this little rendezvous and I see a small skinny bouncer who looks to be no more than 18 slowly wander towards us. I roll my eyes. Like this guy can help. He grabs the old man and pulls him away from me. I can finally wipe away that disgusting spit off my face.

“Whats going on?” The bouncer asks us. The man scoffs, again. 


“That bitch attacked me, I offered to by her a drink and she attacked me. She’s a psycho!” The man yells, you could hear the slur in his voice. Drunken idiot. I compose myself before I explain the situation.

“I don't quite think that’s what happened. He was staring at my arse, I asked him to stop, he didn’t so I stumped his foot. I believe it was quite a calm reaction really.” The bouncer looks me up and down, calculating whether I look like a girl that wants to cause trouble. I can see it in his face, he thinks I am that exact girl. He lets go of the man.

“Right well I think its time for you to leavecomma miss” He says whilst motioning to the exit. I am in disbelief. Where the fuck are my fucking friends. I sigh, this is not a fight that I am going to win. Scrawny boy has obviously sided with the old man and I am left for the streets of Manchester, so I leave with any dignity that I have left. Which is not a lot.

I’m 23 years old and I’ve ended up in McDonalds on my own at 2:30am searching through my phone for anyone to come and collect me. No-one answers. This is just utter crap. I decide that I might as well just walk homecomma as the night has come to a horrible but tasty ending. Gripping my double cheeseburger as though it were my old child, I walk down the side alleys towards the place I call my home. You can hear the yelling of all the drunken idiots who have still managed to stay with their friends, laughing and joking. I sigh and take a huge bite out of my burger in the hopes that it will fill the hole in my stomach. I don’t know what it is about going out clubbing and ending up with the greasiest and probably the most disgusting food ever known to this planet, but for some reason at that time you think God might as well have created this burger himself. It tastes so divine, you think that food can’t ever get any better than this. Well let me tell you, it can. When is that? When you’re sober.
Aside from that, I could really imagine the intense anger of the protagonist. Other than that i think a visual description could help
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Old 03-29-2016, 07:30 PM View Post #3 (Link)
ScottyMcGee (Offline)
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Originally Posted by therealsideoflife View Post
Please comment your thoughts. This is just the opening of the story. I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd give it a shot. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE****




I’ve lost my friends. All great novels seem to start with a capturing opening line, and i’m sorry to disappoint but this is not one of those novels. Whenever a group of friends head out into town, someone will always end up on their own. Well, that’s me. I only went to the bathroom for five fucking minutes and they’re gone. So I’m standing here, alone, next to a creepy old man who smells like he lives in the dumpster behind my house, and what makes it worse is he keeps on staring at my arse. Maybe I should say something. I think I should say something, so I turn around and stare at him. I’m not sure what to say.

In retrospect, it'd be nice to know how many friends she was with and their names, along with some insight as to why they would leave without her. Was it just an accident? Like everyone was too drunk to keep track of the group and they went off without her? Or did they ditch her out of malice for whatever reason?

“Can I help you my love?” He asks me whilst leering. This just annoys me even more, I think the vein in my forehead might pop.

“Yes, in fact you may. Would you be so kind as to stop staring at my arse?” I demand. My hand is gripping my glass so tight I think it might smash. He scoffs. What a twat. 


“I’m sorry darling, can I buy you a drink?” He then leans in closer towards me. The vein in my forehead is most definitely going to pop.

“Look pal, if you don't back off I’m going to have to get you kicked out and I’m sure the bouncers have lots of better things to be doing” I growl at him. Why will he not leave me alone? I don’t know what it is about men in bars, they think they have some sort of power over all the woman there, as if they’re taking a trip to the petting zoo and the drinks are our food so they're allowed to touch. I like this analogy but I feel like the "and the drinks are our food so they're allowed to touch" part ruins it. I think we get the idea already if you keep it simple with "as if they're taking a trip to the petting zoo."

“Alright lass, I was only being kind. You should feel flattered, it’s not like you’re here with anyone else is it?” This struck a nerve. I could feel the anger building up inside of me and before I know it Instead of her stating she feels anger building up, try to describe it. Does her heart race? Does her blood boil? Is she imagining violent thoughts? Try other ways to describe it other than "I feel it coming on"I’ve slammed my heel down onto his foot. He yelps. I can’t help but stifle a grin, and now he's glaring at me.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” He yells in my face. I can smell the beer on his breath, he’s so close I could bite the tip of his nose off. He's grabbed me by the shoulders. What a complete twat. By now I have no control over my bodily functions Ahahaha awkward choice of words here. "Bodily functions" refer to belching and farting, which I'm sure she's not letting rip right now. Try just "actions"and I’m slapping him in the face. He spits at me. I am now mortified, this was not how I imagined my night to go. I glance a look behind me to see if anyone has noticed this little rendezvous and I see a small skinny bouncer who looks to be no more than 18 slowly wander "Wander" implies he has no idea where he's going, but he's clearly approaching them. A bouncer would just head straight for the trouble in a bee linetowards us. I roll my eyes. Like this guy can help. He grabs the old man and pulls him away from me. I can finally wipe away that disgusting spit off my face.

“Whats going on?” The bouncer asks us. The man scoffs, again. 


“That bitch attacked me. I offered to by her a drink and she attacked me. She’s a psycho!” The man yells, you could hear the slur in his voice. Drunken idiot. I compose myself before I explain the situation.

“I don't quite think that’s what happened. He was staring at my arse, I asked him to stop, he didn’t so I stumped his foot. I believe it was quite a calm reaction really. The phrasing in this quote is awkward - bit too wordy. Shorten it. She's drunk and mad - and she doesn't sound like it very much. I know you don't want her raving mad but make her sound stern instead. Short declarative statements. That's not what happened. He kept staring at my arse. I was calm about it. Etc. ” The bouncer looks me up and down, calculating whether I look like a girl that wants to cause trouble. I can see it in his face, he thinks I am that exact girl. He lets go of the man.

“Right well I think its time for you to leave miss,he says whilst motioning to the exit. I am in disbelief. Where the fuck are my fucking friends? I sigh; this is not a fight that I am going to win. Scrawny boy has obviously sided with the old man and I am left for the streets of Manchester, so I leave with any dignity that I have left. Which is not a lot.

I’m 23 years old and I’ve ended up in McDonalds on my own at 2:30am searching through my phone for anyone to come and collect me. No one answers. This is just utter crap. I decide that I might as well just walk home as the night has come to a horrible but tasty ending. Gripping my double cheeseburger as though it were my old child, I walk down the side alleys towards the place I call my home. You can hear the yelling of all the drunken idiots who have still managed to stay with their friends, laughing and joking. I sigh and take a huge bite out of my burger in the hopes that it will fill the hole in my stomach. I don’t know what it is about going out clubbing and ending up with the greasiest and probably the most disgusting food ever known to this planet, but for some reason at that time you think God might as well have created this burger himself. It tastes so divine; you think that food can’t ever get any better than this. Well let me tell you, it can. When is that? When you’re sober.
I like the character. Hot-headed female leads are always fun. There's more you could flesh out though - especially having us know more about her friends. The two glaring prose errors I noticed was a few instances of comma splicing and picking the wrong word choice here and there, which I already corrected above.
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						Last edited by ScottyMcGee; 03-29-2016 at 07:32 PM.
					
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Old 04-20-2016, 01:52 AM View Post #4 (Link)
MYAnna_M (Offline)
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Originally Posted by therealsideoflife View Post
Please comment your thoughts. This is just the opening of the story. I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd give it a shot. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE****




I’ve lost my friends. Good, blunt opening line. It pulled me in though I thought she had done something like pick a fight or something or done something horrible to them at first. Maybe say "I lost all my friends at the club?[/COLOR] All great novels seem to start with a capturing opening line, and I’m sorry to disappoint but, this is not one of those novels. Whenever a group of friends head out into town, someone will always end up on their own. Well, that’s me. I only went to the bathroom for five fucking minutes and they’re gone. So, I’m standing here, alone, next to a creepy old man who smells like he lives in the dumpster behind my house, and what makes it worse is he keeps on staring at my arse. Maybe I should say something. I think I should say something, so I turn around and stare at him. I’m not sure what to say.

“Can I help you, my love?” He asks me, whilst leering. This just annoys me even more; I think the vein in my forehead might pop.

“Yes, in fact you may. Would you be so kind as to stop staring at my arse?” I demand. My hand is gripping my glass so tight I think it might smash. He scoffs. What a twat. 


“I’m sorry darling, can I buy you a drink?” He then leans in closer towards me. Maybe describe like his appearance like: "He had a mole on his nose and his teeth were rotten and yellow." Usually when someone leans into you, you're senses heighten and you usually study the person. If he was directly next to you, smell and sound are good to use. The vein in my forehea.d is most definitely going to pop.

“Look pal, if you don't back off I’m going to have to get you kicked out and I’m sure the bouncers have lots of better things to be doing” I growl at him. Why will he not leave me alone? I don’t know what it is about men in bars; they think they have some sort of power over all the women there, as if they’re taking a trip to the petting zoo and the drinks are our food so they're allowed to touch. 
I think it's okay to have this but it's okay without it

“Alright lass, I was only being kind. You should feel flattered, it’s not like you’re here with anyone else is it?” This struck a nerve. I could feel the anger building I would say describe how the anger was boiling here too up inside of me and before I know it I’ve slammed my heel down onto his foot. He yelps. I can’t help but stifle a grin, and now he's glaring at me.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” He yells in my face. I can smell the beer on his breath; he’s so close I could bite the tip of his nose off.This is good! He's grabbed me by the shoulders. What a complete twat. By now I have no control over my bodily functions I agree this is pretty awkward- sounds like she's farting or something here and I’m slapping him in the face. Describe some more He spits at me. Again, you're probably sick of this, but describe the spit, the feeling of it, the texture, or the smell, etc I am now mortified, this was not how I imagined my night to go. I glance a look behind me to see if anyone has noticed this little rendezvous and I see a small, skinny bouncer who looks to be no more than 18 slowly wander Wander does not sound right but I see your point of them not caring towards us. I roll my eyes. Like this guy can help. He grabs the old man and pulls him away from me. I can finally wipe away that disgusting spit off my face.

“Whats going on?” The bouncer asks us. The man scoffs, again. 


“That bitch attacked me, I offered to by her a drink and she attacked me. She’s a psycho!” The man yells, you could hear the slur in his voice. Drunken idiot. I compose myself before I explain the situation.

“I don't quite think that’s what happened. He was staring at my arse, I asked him to stop, he didn’t so I stumped his foot. I believe it was quite a calm reaction really.” The bouncer looks me up and down, calculating whether I look like a girl that wants to cause trouble. I can see it in his face, he thinks I am that exact girl. He lets go of the man.

“Right well I think its time for you to leave miss” He says whilst motioning to the exit. I am in disbelief. Where the fuck are my fucking friends. I sigh, this is not a fight that I am going to win. Scrawny boy has obviously sided with the old man and I am left for the streets of Manchester, so I leave with any dignity that I have left. Which is not a lot.

I’m 23 years old and I’ve ended up in McDonalds on my own at 2:30am searching through my phone for anyone to come and collect me. No-one answers. This is just utter crap. I decide that I might as well just walk home as the night has come to a horrible but tasty ending. Gripping my double cheeseburger as though it were my old child, I walk down the side alleys towards the place I call my home. You can hear the yelling of all the drunken idiots who have still managed to stay with their friends, laughing and joking. I sigh and take a huge bite out of my burger in the hopes that it will fill the hole in my stomach. I don’t know what it is about going out clubbing and ending up with the greasiest and probably the most disgusting food ever known to this planet, but for some reason at that time you think God might as well have created this burger himself. It tastes so divine, you think that food can’t ever get any better than this. Well let me tell you, it can. When is that? When you’re sober.

REALLY good! Dragged me in and didn't let go! Just remember: paint the picture in reader's mind.Describe!
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