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Old 07-23-2015, 11:48 PM View Post #1 (Link) Lost World (Re-re-written): Chapter one - Part one
Libra (Offline)
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I posted this story years back when I first joined this website. I always wanted to revisit this story once again and clean it all up from the start but never got around to it till now. Note that this isn't the whole chapter, but only a part of it. So don't tell me that this was a cliche way to end the chapter. Because I know this would be a rather cliche way to end the chapter. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you, The Lost World! (Oh and also keep in mind that the MC is supposed to be 12yo and I think I am struggling a bit to make him seem that way so any tips for that would be appreciated)

Chapter 1: The chase

My footsteps were echoing throughout the empty town. I was running as fast as I could but I had and have no idea why; I didn’t know if I was being chased or chasing someone else. Heck, I didn’t even know if it was a ‘someone’ or a ‘something’ else. All I did know was that I had to get as far north as possible before it was too late.
Too late for what?” a thought echoed deep in my head. I knew it was a question I couldn’t answer, but at the same time, I knew it was a question that would answer itself.
I don’t know how I was able to tell the time without looking at my wrist watch -that is, if I had a wrist watch at the time- but it was 9’o’clock and I was in an old English town with the road made up of bricks and rocks. Small two to three storied buildings lined up by the road, casting dark shadows which I ran past. And there was also a crystal clear river running past me. Running towards the opposite direction.
“Coward!” I yelled at it. Not even stopping to ponder why I called a river a coward, I ran faster. Faster through the streets which were being lit up with nothing but moonlight. Moon light, which radiated from a full blue moon floating high above the small buildings. Moon light, that seemed to splash the town with a taste of silver, enriching it with an ever-lasting magnificence.
Thinking back, I am surprised I didn’t stop to appreciate that beautiful little hamlet of a town. It’d been my one and only chance to. I went into a dark tunnel under a bridge, which seemed to mark the exit of that town. Going in there would have been my first mistake. The second?
I ran for half an hour until I stumbled and stopped; I had to: I felt like my thighs were going to pop like the tiny bubbles in a bubble wrap. All that running and I still couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. It seemed to go on forever. So I turned around to see if I could back out…
That beautiful little town -I couldn’t see it anymore. I fell to the floor and asked myself, “What am I doing?” No answer. Not like I was expecting any. But again, I was pretty young back then.
After a long period of panting like a lost and over worked puppy, I got back up and started running towards the opposite direction. “Maybe I can just go back home?” I thought to myself as I further worked my over worked legs. Five minutes in and I hit my head against a wall.
“Ugh!” I muttered as my nose slowly started to get stuffy. I got up on my knees and desperately searched for the other end of the tunnel as tears ran across my cheeks. “Where did it go??” I cried. I was scared, cold and tired. And on top of all that I had no idea why the entrance of the tunnel sealed itself into a dead end.
Open up, you stupid wall!” I wailed as I hit it with my tiny fists. After 15 minutes of crying and punching an inanimate object, I gave up hope. I lied down and rolled up into a ball.
“Ow!” I yelped with a broken voice when I stretched open my hands. I sniffed. “Stupid wall…”
My hands were bleeding from all the punching. My throat hurt from all the screaming. My legs hurt from all the running. And me? I was tired from it all. I slowly fall into slumber as the most deadly creature makes its way towards me.
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Old 08-11-2015, 08:19 AM View Post #2 (Link)
RockerBunny (Offline)
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Hey there, Libra! Here's the critique as promised.
Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Libra View Post
Chapter 1: The chase

My footsteps were echoing throughout the empty town (Passable intro line. It gives us a sense of what is happening. I still think you can reword it better though. Consider starting with My footsteps echoed. But, it's entirely your choice.). I was running as fast as I could but I had and (still) have no idea why (I don't know why you would need to use present tense here (the use of have), but unless it's absolutely necessary, I'd suggest removing it altogether); I didn’t know if I was being chased or chasing someone else (Something feels off about the sentence after the semi-colon. Maybe, try reordering the sentence (put chasing someone else before being chased?). That aside - wouldn't your MC be able to see whoever he is chasing in front of him, if he was chasing someone? Or if he was being chased, wouldn't he be able to look back and see the chaser? The latter, however, doesn't necessarily have to always be possible.). Heck, I didn’t even know if it was a ‘someone’ or a ‘something’ else. All I did know was that I had to get as far north as possible before it was too late.

Too late for what?” a thought echoed deep in my head. I knew it was a question I couldn’t answer, but at the same time, I knew it was a question that would answer itself.

This is interesting, slightly so. There's definitely a sense of mystery. There's a slight sense of action or, at least something seems to be happening, though that's not so clear. That's fine, for now. Let's see if you build on this.

I don’t know how I was able to tell the time without looking at my wrist watch -that is, if I had a wrist watch at the time- but it was 9’o’clock (This just seems weird to me, really. Why state the time? Is it necessary in the story? Why not just say it was dark or that it was night?) and I was in an old English town with the road made up of bricks and rocks (This seems like an awkward description of a road. Consider just describing it as a brick road?). Small two to three storied buildings lined up by the road, casting dark shadows which I ran past (What casts the shadows - the buildings (which I believe is the answer) or the road (which the sentence you have written seems to imply)? Fix this ambiguity in the sentence and I believe the sentence will read a lot better then.). And there was also a crystal clear river running past me. Running towards (in) the opposite direction.

“Coward!” I yelled at it (This is weird). Not even stopping to ponder why I called a river a coward (For some reason, I kinda like this line), I ran faster. Faster through the streets which were being lit up with nothing but moonlight. Moon light, which radiated from a full blue moon floating high above the small buildings. Moon light, that seemed to splash the town with a taste of silver, enriching it with an ever-lasting magnificence.

Thinking back, I am surprised I didn’t stop to appreciate that beautiful little hamlet of a town (I'm pretty sure, he believed he was being chased. Why, then, is he surprised at not having appreciated the beauty of the town?). It’d been my one and only chance to. I went into a dark tunnel under a bridge, which seemed to mark the exit of that town. Going in there would have been my first mistake (would have been? Was it his first mistake?). The second?

I ran for half an hour until I stumbled and stopped (OK, so is this the second mistake?); I had to: I felt like my thighs were going to pop like the tiny bubbles in a bubble wrap. All that running and I still couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. It seemed to go on forever. So I turned around to see if I could back out…
That beautiful little town -I couldn’t see it anymore. I fell to the floor and asked myself, “What am I doing?”(Should there be a period(.) here? I'm not really sure about this.) No answer. Not like I was expecting any. But again, I was pretty young back then. (What does this imply, exactly?)

After a long period of panting like a lost and over worked puppy, I got back up and started running towards (in) the opposite direction. “Maybe I can just go back home?” I thought to myself as I further worked my over worked legs. Five minutes in and I hit my head against a wall.

“Ugh!” I muttered as my nose slowly started to get stuffy (Doesn't it tend to hurt if your nose hits a wall? Does it really just get stuffy?). I got up on my knees and desperately searched for the other end of the tunnel as tears ran across my cheeks. “Where did it go??” I cried. I was scared, cold and tired. And on top of all that I had no idea why the entrance of the tunnel sealed itself into a dead end.

Open up, you stupid wall!” I wailed as I hit it with my tiny fists. After 15 minutes of crying and punching an inanimate object, I gave up hope. I lied down and rolled up into a ball.

“Ow!” I yelped with a broken voice when I stretched open my hands. I sniffed. “Stupid wall…” (Touching the wall hurt him?)

My hands were bleeding from all the punching (Oh ok, now that makes sense. Disregard my previous comment). My throat hurt from all the screaming. My legs hurt from all the running. And me? I was tired from it all. I slowly fall (<-Present Tense. Should be fell. Be careful about this) into (a) slumber as the most deadly creature makes (<-That's present tense, again. Why switch now?) its way towards me.


So, this was, as I said in the beginning, interesting but only slightly so. Part of me liked it and wants to read a little more, if only to find out what is going on. Part of me, however, got lost in the ambiguity of the story. Let's take this step by step.

First, let's look at your Character: Your MC seems to be this confused, weak little kid who is supposedly running for no apparent reason. Hopefully, this reason becomes clear later on, but that is something I will delve into later on, when these problems have been fixed and after I've read a bit more of your story. There isn't much else to your character yet. Not even a name. Is your MC a boy or a girl?

Your Backdrop/Setting: There are two here, at least as far as I could see - the town and the tunnel. First, the town. I know you used a paragraph to describe it, but, as I explained in the LBL, the entire description seemed a bit too ambiguous. The tunnel, however is dark and seemingly endless(?), with the entrance finally sealed off in the end of this first chapter. Well, at least, that's what I hope you implied. If so, then that's fine.

Lastly, let's look at your Situation: First question that comes into my mind after reading this chapter - What's going on? This can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it keeps the reader interested. However, in what you've written, not even your character seems to know what's going on. From this line in the first paragraph - I was running as fast as I could but I had and have no idea why - I understand that even when the MC is narrating the incident, which has happened in the past, he/she still has no idea why he/she is doing what he/she is doing. Yet, if we look at the last line in the chapter, the one describing how a monster creeps up to the MC, we see that the MC seems to have an idea of what happened, when he/she is narrating the story. This makes me feel that the story, so far, is a bit muddled. I hope you get what I mean.

These aren't issues that can't be easily fixed and I'm sure you can do it. Fix these issues and you should be able to come back with a more refined draft.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions, feel free to VM me about them.
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Old 11-06-2015, 09:00 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Ivey (Offline)
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This is great i could see the kid and i felt like it was me very nice details. It took me a while to catch and understand at the beginning but i would understand it was very interesting i would love to see the rest!
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Old 01-29-2016, 01:37 PM View Post #4 (Link)
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Dishwasher with a violent read more about the way languages have a class from the spider he killed was the regulator of many of its environment. big homegrown to inform you please read it is very important to the situation in the timings and tell them that I can come up to save the date and time October, ready to eat. big homegrown to inform you please read it is very important to the situation in the timings and tell them that I can come up to save the date and time October, ready to eat. big homegrown to inform you please read it is very important to the situation in the timings and tell them that I can come up to save the date and time October, ready to eat. big homegrown to inform you please read it is very important to the situation in the timings and tell them that I can come up to save the date and time October, ready to eat. big homegrown to inform you please read it is very important to the situation in the timings and tell them that I can come up to save the date and time October, ready to eat. The buzzing sound of a violent crime, immune to eat. The
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