Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-14-2014, 08:32 PM View Post #1 (Link) Night Hunter
Rango Rinzen JM (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Sapporo, Japan
Posts: 3
Points: 4.86
Times Thanked: 1
I couldn't figure out how to delete this so I just erased the text and had to leave this message it it's place.
  
						Last edited by Rango Rinzen JM; 10-26-2015 at 05:23 AM.
					
					 Reason: Couldn't figure out how to delete it so i just took out all the text and left it blank.
					Reply With Quote
Old 07-16-2014, 01:54 AM View Post #2 (Link)
myjaspercat (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
myjaspercat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Rio Rancho
Posts: 51
Points: 18
Times Thanked: 7
Originally Posted by Rango Rinzen JM View Post
This song was inspired by and kind of adapted from Adam Lambert's 'Sleepwalker'. My first song ever, I don't usually write lyrics, so let me know how I did. First song, that's great that you are dabbling in other categories of writing. IMPORTANT: I compared your song to the song that you said you adapted it from and a lot of verses are pretty much just changed around from the original song. You added words here and there and all but it looks a lot like the original. You have to be careful when you do this because it could be mistaken for plagiarism, anyways on with the critique.



I used to be free
In a time that's long past
Nothin' to worry about
And nothin' to stress me out
The two words that I bolded rhyme which I think you did intentionally, however it doesn't seem to flow right. As I read this I tried to come up a tune and I found that your lyrics seemed to work with a slower tempo through the verses and slightly faster through the chorus but these two words never really fit together. A simple solution would be to just

It took me away
From my everything

I won't cry, I won't cry
The These tears will stop

Outside there's rain, but that's okay
There's not a drop that I hate

Howl at the moon, but I'm not alone If your not alone then you should give an example. Also I think that it would read better if you use the word 'I'll' in front of Howl. But that is just my opinion.

It's like I can't escape from the trap I'm caught in

I can't sleep, I can't wake behind the walls around me
You use the word can't three times in a row, it makes your writing sound choppy.

Chorus:
I won't be tamed
I'll keep poundin' the walls until they break down

I said I just want to be free, with the wind in my face because I want to

I'm a night hunter, hunter, hunter (2x)

Let me outta this cage
Chorus End

Every way I turn all I see is whiteness
And the places I used to go they're always callin' me

I walk around and I feel so trapped and angry

I had everything that I wanted, but it all got taken

Chorus:
I won't be tamed
I'll keep poundin' the walls until they break down

I said I just want to be free, with the wind in my face because I want to

I'm a night hunter, hunter, hunter (2x)

Let me outta this cage
Cage
Let me outta this cage
Think that you should use another single Cage here.

And then there's a big long space for the instrumental piece. And then it goes to the chorus again but slightly different.

Chorus:
I won't be tamed
I'll keep poundin' the walls until they break down

I said I just want to be free, with the wind in my face because I want to

I'm a night hunter, hunter, hunter (4x)

Let me outta this cage

End
Overall I thought that your song was pretty good. It flowed right and I was able to find a beat. There are a few words I sliced out of the chorus mostly and I only did that because it just sounds better. Great Job for your first song! Good Luck and keep writing.
__________________
"There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book." -Marcel Proust

"Life is the art of Drawing... without an eraser."

"So come with me where Dreamers are born and Time is never planned, Just think of happy things, And your heart will fly on wings, in Never Never Land."-Peter Pan

"Someday I will fly high above the tree tops, covered in a painted cloak and I will look down on the world below and know that I have found my purpose."
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2015, 08:14 PM View Post #3 (Link) Good
Hannah Barron (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Hannah Barron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 19
Points: 18.91
Times Thanked: 2
It's a good song but like the above member said (sorry couldn't remember the name) it looks as if you have copied it, though it is good that you are trying different types of writing.
Good luck in the future
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:03 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.