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Old 05-18-2015, 03:01 PM View Post #1 (Link) Snippet (IDK what to call it)
SaraLaRandom (Offline)
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You love like the moon
I love like a tree
You move me like nothing else
That amazes me
I am like an anchored ship
While you're the rolling sea
Anyone can travel you
That's what bothers me
If you could see, we could call it quits and call it like it is
We're too selfish, the both of us
To see that this should end
That you don't mind me roaming
Makes me think that we should end.
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Old 05-21-2015, 06:19 AM View Post #2 (Link)
futureworld (Offline)
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Originally Posted by SaraLaRandom View Post
You love like the moon
I love like a tree remove love to become I like a tree
You move me like nothing else
That amazes mereplace that with you
I am like an anchored ship try it without the like
While you're the rolling seaSee if taking out while works for you
Anyone can travel you
That's what bothers me last two lines are beautiful and tie it together
If you could see, we could call it quits and call it like it is The line If you could see makes it a little bit long and removes the best part
We're too selfish, the both of us Maybe the both could be moved to make the line read We're both too selfish
To see that this should end
That you don't mind me roaming remove the that
Makes me think that we should end.
Beautiful, but needs a little bit of work too see the clear gold.
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Old 06-05-2015, 10:39 AM View Post #3 (Link)
sofiathewriter (Offline)
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Originally Posted by SaraLaRandom View Post
You love like the moon
I love like a tree
You move me like nothing else
That amazes me The fact that the 'you' in the poem is moving the narrator amazes him or her?For clarification reasons I would put 'you' instead of 'that' and change 'amazes' to 'amaze'.
I am like an anchored ship
While you're the rolling sea Change 'while' to 'and'; it would flow better
Anyone can travel you
That's what bothers me
If you could see, we could call it quits and call it like it is So, this is like a breakup poem, I guess?
We're too selfish, the both of us The 'we're' in this line already implies that both the narrator and 'you' are selfish. Remove 'the both of us'.
To see that this should end
That you don't mind me roaming Unless this line is referring or has something to do with the previous line, remove the 'that'.
Makes me think that we this should end.
Overall, I like it a lot, but it needs work before you can call it perfection. No worries! Of course, nobody is perfect.
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Old 06-07-2015, 08:57 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Pineappleinshades (Offline)
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You love like the moon
I love like a tree

While I like the first line, for some reason I don't connect with the second as much. I'm not sure why, as they follow the same basic idea, but I just couldn't help thinking, yeah, but how do you love like a tree? I think if you expanded it a bit more, maybe talking about how you love like a tree, it would work better.

You move me like nothing else
That amazes me

These two lines feel a bit bland to me. I know someone said you should make the line 'that amazes me' to 'you amaze me'. I personally don't agree with this, because then too many lines start with 'you' and it feels repetative and also kind of childish. But, I agree that as it is it doesn't flow very well. So, my suggestion would be to simply add an 'and' before it. This brings me to another point. All your lines start with capital letters. I know this doesn't actually matter if it is to be heard as a song and not read, but it just stood out as a bit strange to me.

I am like an anchored ship
While you're the rolling sea
Anyone can travel you
That's what bothers me

These lines are interesting, but I don't feel like you have explored the ideas here enough. You move onto something else straight away, so it feels like it has been cut short just where it was getting interesting. To begin with, it felt like the singer is being held back while the person they're talking about is free. That is what 'anchored ship' and 'rolling sea' say to me. But then we start to see something else. Evidence that this person (a lover?) is cheating on or being disloyal to the singer? This idea changes the whole song, and disrupts the innocence I saw up until now. Is that how you wanted it to be?

If you could see, we could call it quits and call it like it is

This line, as has been said already, is too long and wordy and extremely confusing. The 'call it quits' and 'call it like it is' bits feel childish, and repetative. You might want to play around with it, maybe even split it over two lines. Actually, if I were you, I would just cut it - it doesn't add anything to the song.

We're too selfish, the both of us
To see that this should end
That you don't mind me roaming
Makes me think that we should end.

The 'that you don't mind me roaming' line changes things again, because it sounds like they are in a very open relationship, and both are seeing other people. Is that what you want? Also, people have suggested removing the 'that', but I don't think they are seeing this section as a whole. Without the 'that', the last line doesn't make sense. However, obviously it is confusing, and therefor I think it needs to be changed.

The repetition of 'should end' doesn't work, in my opinion. If you're going to rhyme, be adventurous. I don't think this ending is very strong, and needs work. With editing though, this could be an interesting piece.

To be honest, I just wanted you to expand and develop your images and ideas. The more you explore, the more emotion you can get across, and the more impact it will have on people. Some parts worked well (like the anchored ship and rolling sea lines) and in those parts your rhyme was casual and seemed natural, but the images needed developing.

I think there were also times when you needed a lot more imagery, like the first two lines. I thought the first was okay, but it still felt a bit empty and not particularly inspiring. Also, after the sea metaphor, I thought you needed more work. It's difficult for a listener to imagine the singer being selfish, or calling it quits or whatever, and they would prefer to see something, so they can be drawn into the song. I don't know if you know what I mean. If you do have any questions or thoughts or want to chat or anything, VM/PM me.
  
						Last edited by Pineappleinshades; 06-07-2015 at 09:05 PM.
					
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Old 06-07-2015, 09:05 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Pineappleinshades (Offline)
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You love like the moon
I love like a tree

While I like the first line, for some reason I don't connect with the second as much. I'm not sure why, as they follow the same basic idea, but I just couldn't help thinking, yeah, but how does one love like a tree? I think if you expanded it a bit more, maybe talkibg about how you love like a tree, it would work better.

You move me like nothing else
That amazes me

These two lines feel a bit bland to me. I know someone said you should make the line 'that amazes me' to 'you amaze me'. I personally don't agree with this, because then too many lines start with 'you' and it feels repetative and also kind of childish. But, I agree that as it is it doesn't flow very well. So, my suggestion would be to simply add an 'and' before it. This brings me to another point. All your lines start with capital letters. I know this doesn't actually matter if it is to be heard as a song and not read, but it just stood out as a bit strange to me.

I am like an anchored ship
While you're the rolling sea
Anyone can travel you
That's what bothers me

These lines are interesting, but I don't feel like you have explored the ideas here enough. You move onto something else straight away, so it feels like it has been cut short just where it was getting interesting. To begin with, it felt like the singer is being held back while the person they're talking about is free. That is what 'anchored ship' and 'rolling sea' say to me. But then we start to see something else. Evidence that this person (a lover?) is cheating on or being disloyal to the singer? This idea changes the whole song, and disrupts the innocence I saw up until now. Is that how you wanted it to be?

If you could see, we could call it quits and call it like it is

This line, as has been said already, is too long and wordy and extremely confusing. The 'call it quits' and 'call it like it is' bits feel childish, and repetative. You might want to play around with it, maybe even split it over two lines.

We're too selfish, the both of us
To see that this should end
That you don't mind me roaming
Makes me think that we should end.

The 'that you don't mind me roaming' line changes things again, because it sounds like they are in a very open relationship, and both are seeing other people. Is that what you want? Also, people have suggested removing the 'that', but I don't think they are seeing this section as a whole. Without the 'that', the last line doesn't make sense. However, obviously it is confusing, and therefor I think it needs to be changed.

The repetition of 'should end' doesn't work, in my opinion. If you're going to rhyme, be adventurous. I don't think this ending is very strong, and needs work. With editing though, this could be an interesting piece.

To be honest, I just wanted you to expand and develop your images and ideas. The more you explore, the more emotion you can get across, and the more impact it will have on people. Some parts worked well (like the anchored ship and rolling sea lines) and your rhyme was casual and seemed natural, but the images needed developing.

I think there were also times when you needed a lot more imagery, like the first two lines. I thought the first was okay, but it still felt a bit empty and not particularly inspiring. Also, after the sea metaphor, I thought you needed more work. It's difficult for a listener to imagine the singer being selfish, or calling it quits or whatever, and they would prefer to seesomething, so they can be drawn into the song. I don't know if you know what I mean. If you do have any questions or thoughts or want to chat or anything, VM/PM me.
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Old 07-22-2015, 08:57 PM View Post #6 (Link) Nice Poem
SueMe (Offline)
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by SaraLaRandom View Post
You love like the moon
I love like a tree
You move me like nothing else
That amazes me
I am like an anchored ship
While you're the rolling sea
Anyone can travel you
That's what bothers me
If you could see, we could call it quits and call it like it is
We're too selfish, the both of us
To see that this should end
That you don't mind me roaming
Makes me think that we should end.
I like it, but I would have liked to see a smoother flow of the lines. For example, instead of "I am like and anchored ship; While you're the rolling sea", I think "I'm an anchored ship; And you a rolling sea" just to make the flow a bit smoother. But nice poem and clear message
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Old 07-22-2015, 08:58 PM View Post #7 (Link) Re: Review
SueMe (Offline)
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by SueMe View Post
I like it, but I would have liked to see a smoother flow of the lines. For example, instead of "I am like and anchored ship; While you're the rolling sea", I think "I'm an anchored ship; And you a rolling sea" just to make the flow a bit smoother. But nice poem and clear message
I also forgot to mention that it's a beautiful poem!
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