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Old 10-11-2014, 07:09 PM View Post #1 (Link) The different one
Jr.genius (Offline)
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He was the lowest of the low, he was the highest of the high. He was the biggest and the smallest. He was the best and the worst. And in all he was alone. . .
So thought Walter, the different one.
Walter was evil. Oh, I am evil, thought Walter sadly as he squinted into the mirror. What kind of child am I? The other children do not hurt others feelings. They do not finish everything fastest. Walter moved up a slender, pale hand, and began to rub furiously at his brilliant gray eyes. I cannot cry, he thought angrily. But he couldn't make the feeling stop. Why won't it stop he thought. Why? He felt the moistness, and knowing it as a warning sign, he brought down his hands. His large eyes, such strange brilliant eyes, began to flood with tears.
He wanted to throw at tantrum, to scream and shout, and to let the tears fall on down, until he was soaked in a salty blanket of sadness. But he couldn't. He shouldn't of. He shouldn't of gotten it right. The others all got it wrong. Wrong.
I hurt their feelings. I hurt their feelings. Oh, I do not want to be evil. I wish I was like them. . .He brought down his pale white face, resting it upon his bony arms. He pushed back a string of black hair away from his eyes. He then surveyed himself. The sharp nose, the large eyes, the full lips, the chubby six year old face. . .He kneeled their, the cold floor bruising his slender knees under the large gray jumpsuit.
History is next, he reminded himself. You can't stand out in that. You have to not hurt feelings, you have to not be better. But even his thoughts seemed to have a quiver of uncertainty. He could almost imagine them, hanging in front of him, brittle, like ice in the cool air.
He squinted around the large brown metal hallway. After history we'll have space ship practice. He reminded himself. It'll be fun. He stared toward the next mirror, looking at the boy who stood their. The boy looked up, his sandy blond curls brushed back. His blue eyes were guarded, hostile. The shone sharply in the cold air. Walter faltered. He had been about to smile. Why didn't this boy like him? Of course, thought Walter, feeling an ache deeper than any pain, an ache that seemed to come from his soul. Of course. For I am evil. He really wanted to sob then. He wanted his entire heart to be sobbed out, he wanted to curl up on the ground and cry. All I want to be, is to at least be good, he thought.
But I can't be that. I can't. For I am too good. He felt something cold in him. I am too good at everything. I am perfect, and I wish to be imperfect. For imperfection is perfection. Ah, good. Thought Walter, his thoughts for a moment diverted. Philosophy. So am I imperfect or perfect? But somehow even his deepest heart couldn't find the answer to that. Fine, thought Walter, biting his lip furiously with a pure white tooth, fine. I will do whatever you say. I will be whatever you say. If you say I am evil, then by dang I will be.
But somehow Walter wasn't sure how one goes about being evil, how one does evil. Did one simply do everything that he could? Did one simply do his best? Did one. . .Kill? But after all, if he killed he would simply provide supplies for the people. Finger nails, bones. If he killed, he would simply be letting people use those supplies early, instead of when one turned seventy. That would be a good thing for society, wouldn't it? And so as Walter stood there, he was unsure, he was unsure of right, he was unsure of wrong, and in everything he was unsure of himself. . .
" Walter!" Walter turned away from his revery at the sink, to stare at the tall instructor in front of him." Yes, ma'am?" He said, with a slight tremble in his young voice. " Come with me dear" said the instructor, in an almost caring fashion. But everyone knew she didn't really care at all. She looked behind her shoulder hastily. " Come on, Walter. Hurry." Her voice was raw and broken. It had traveled to a frantic level. Walter quickly stood up, biting one lip as hard as he could manage. His eyes were red around the corners.
He blinked frantically. He quickly ran behind the woman. The corridors flashed by them as they went, going as fast as they could. The children watched them out of the corners of their eyes, but no one said anything. They might hurt that mean little boy's feelings.
The instructor opened a pair of huge green double doors with an effort, her muscles straining as they opened. The doors closed behind Walter with a sickening bang. The instructor looked at Walter kindly, but behind her eyes their was an air of alarm. " Walter" she said, her voice fragile, " Go inside that box." Walter slowly turned around. Behind him there stood a large gray box. Walter slowly moved toward the box. Nervously reached one hand up to open the door, and then screamed as the box sucked him in!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
( Excerpt from phone call)
" I'm sorry sir, I couldn't risk it. . .Yes sir. . .I know we were supposed to test him. . .He gave me the heebie jeebies. . .You were right sir. . .Now his organs can be used for society. . .After all, we can't risk a too high intelligence. . .Because in our paradise, it is wrong to be different. . ."
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Old 10-23-2014, 02:50 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Patche (Offline)
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This story appealed to me greatly, and it's obvious that you're a great author. That said, there's a few things you need to improve on mechanically and grammatically.

First of all, separate your paragraphs either through indents or through blank lines inbetween them. If you do not do this, it is very difficult to read and will put people off of your story. Additionally, your story is full of excellent diction, however do not allow it to get in the way of the plot; while the characters are narrated extremely well, some sentences could be improved (in terms of flow) by the removal of said adjectives.

Finally, while it is evident that this story uses some kind of hybrid between stream-of-consciousness and normal narrative storytelling, you may wish to ensure that- while the story is told from a properly vague perspective- the reader has a concrete grasp on what the meaning/symbolism of the story is, if it has any.

All-in-all, I like it a lot. Keep writing, I'll be following you!
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Old 10-26-2014, 03:28 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Madam Kroft (Offline)
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First of all, I really appreciate your style of integrating the conscious mind into the text! It was what kept me reading to the very end. I can tell you spent a lot of time on this work-- and it shows. Great going!

Although I understood the character's name and that character's consciousness, I couldn't figure out the setting. The setting is a very important key to understanding the character's conscious. A reasonable way to explain this is the example of a setting in the future, where more people could be likely to have open minds or new technology may be present. This new technology and open-mind may cause the character to think differently. So, if this story is occurring in the future, a different planet, or a totally new way of thinking-- a few hints are needed to start with. We have to have something to go off of. I picked up on when you mentioned 'space ship' in the text. Later in the text it seemed to be a class? I think more explaining about how the surroundings might have affected Walter's mind would help! Maybe something hanging on the walls or something on the floor.

The description of the location is kind of vague. I feel as if I don't understand where Walter is. I picked up on hallway, doors, and mirrors. However, I assumed 'mirror' with a bathroom mirror and that was where Walter was thinking to himself. I could be wrong, but I think it's because I'm a little lost in the text. Perhaps try to create paragraphs to help differentiate events, thoughts, or actions?

I'm sorry if any of this critique was hurtful. This is your work and you can choose what you wish to change about it, so don't feel pressured by any reason! I hope my critique helped you!
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Old 01-12-2015, 11:28 AM View Post #4 (Link)
samurai J (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Jr.genius View Post
He was the lowest of the low, he was the highest of the high. He was the biggest and the smallest. He was the best and the worst. And in all he was alone. . .
So thought Walter, the different one.
Walter was evil. Oh, I am evil, thought Walter sadly as he squinted into the mirror. What kind of child am I? The other children do not hurt each other's feelings. They do not finish everything fast. Walter moved up a slender, pale hand, and began to rub furiously at his brilliant gray eyes. I cannot cry, he thought angrily. But he couldn't make the feeling stop. Why won't it stop he thought. Why? He felt the moistness, and knowing it as a warning sign, he brought down his hands. His large eyes, such strange brilliant eyes, began to flood with tears.
He wanted to throw at tantrum, to scream and shout, and to let the tears fall on down, until he was soaked in a salty blanket of sadness. But he couldn't. He shouldn't of. He shouldn't of gotten it right. The others all got it wrong. Wrong.
I hurt their feelings. I hurt their feelings. Oh, I do not want to be evil. I wish I was like them. . .He brought down his pale white face, resting it upon his bony arms. He pushed back a string of black hair away from his eyes. He then surveyed himself. The sharp nose, the large eyes, the full lips, the chubby six year old face. . .He knelt there, the cold floor bruising his slender knees under the large gray jumpsuit.
History is next, he reminded himself. You can't stand out in that. You have to not hurt feelings, you have to not be better. But even his thoughts seemed to have a quiver of uncertainty. He could almost imagine them, hanging in front of him, brittle, like ice in the cool air.
He squinted around the large brown metal hallway. After history we'll have space ship practice. He reminded himself. It'll be fun. He stared toward the next mirror, looking at the boy who stood their. The boy looked up, his sandy blond curls brushed back. His blue eyes were guarded, hostile. The shone sharply in the cold air. Walter faltered. He had been about to smile. Why didn't this boy like him? Of course, thought Walter, feeling an ache deeper than any pain, an ache that seemed to come from his soul. Of course. For I am evil. He really wanted to sob then. He wanted his entire heart to be sobbed out, he wanted to curl up on the ground and cry. All I want to be, is to at least be good, he thought.
But I can't be that. I can't. For I am too good. He felt something cold in him. I am too good at everything. I am perfect, and I wish to be imperfect. For imperfection is perfection. Ah, good. Thought Walter, his thoughts for a moment diverted. Philosophy. So am I imperfect or perfect? But somehow even his deepest heart couldn't find the answer to that. Fine, thought Walter, biting his lip furiously with a pure white tooth, fine. I will do whatever you say. I will be whatever you say. If you say I am evil, then by dang I will be.
But somehow Walter wasn't sure how one goes about being evil, how one does evil. Did one simply do everything that he could? Did one simply do his best? Did one. . .Kill? But after all, if he killed he would simply provide supplies for the people. Finger nails, bones. If he killed, he would simply be letting people use those supplies early, instead of when one turned seventy. That would be a good thing for society, wouldn't it? And so as Walter stood there, he was unsure, he was unsure of right, he was unsure of wrong, and in everything he was unsure of himself. . .
" Walter!" Walter turned away from his revery at the sink, to stare at the tall instructor in front of him." Yes, ma'am?" He said, with a slight tremble in his young voice. " Come with me dear" said the instructor, in an almost caring fashion. But everyone knew she didn't really care at all. She looked behind her shoulder hastily. " Come on, Walter. Hurry." Her voice was raw and broken. It had traveled to a frantic level. Walter quickly stood up, biting one lip as hard as he could manage. His eyes were red around the corners.
He blinked frantically. He quickly ran behind the woman. The corridors flashed by them as they went, going as fast as they could. The children watched them out of the corners of their eyes, but no one said anything. They might hurt that mean little boy's feelings.
The instructor opened a pair of huge green double doors with an effort, her muscles straining as they opened. The doors closed behind Walter with a sickening bang. The instructor looked at Walter kindly, but behind her eyes their was an air of alarm. " Walter" she said, her voice fragile, " Go inside that box." Walter slowly turned around. Behind him there stood a large gray box. Walter slowly moved toward the box. Nervously reached one hand up to open the door, and then screamed as the box sucked him in!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
( Excerpt from phone call)
" I'm sorry sir, I couldn't risk it. . .Yes sir. . .I know we were supposed to test him. . .He gave me the heebie jeebies. . .You were right sir. . .Now his organs can be used for society. . .After all, we can't risk a too high intelligence. . .Because in our paradise, it is wrong to be different. . ."
You may have misspelt a few words,and too much use of full stops,where unneccessary.Other than that,the tittle suit perfectly to the story.Great use of vivid description.
  
						Last edited by samurai J; 01-12-2015 at 11:31 AM.
					
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:37 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Write_Live_Read (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Jr.genius View Post

He was the lowest of the low, he was the highest of the high. He was the biggest and the smallest. He was the best and the worst. And in all he was alone. . . I like this beginning a lot, I think that it really draws your readers in.

So thought Walter, the different one. I don't really get the point in this sentence, are you saying the that Walter was the man being talked about above and that he was talking about himself. If so, then I don't think it fits since it's coming from his mind and most people don't think about them selves in the third person (if you know what I mean).

Walter was evil. Oh, I am evil, thought Walter sadly as he squinted into the mirror. What kind of child am I? The other children do not hurt each others feelings. They do not finish everything fastest faster. Walter moved up a slender, pale hand, and began to rub furiously at his brilliant gray eyes. I cannot cry, he thought angrily. But he couldn't make the feeling(s) stop. Why won't it stop he thought. this almost seems redundant and somewhat unnecessary. Why? He felt the moistness, and knowing it as a warning sign, he brought down his hands. His large eyes, such strange brilliant eyes, began to flood with tears. I don't know if it is just me but this seems really repetitive and again unnecessary.

He wanted to throw at tantrum, to scream and shout, and to let the tears fall on down, until he was soaked in a salty blanket of sadness. But he couldn't. He shouldn't of. He shouldn't of gotten it right. The others all got it wrong. Wrong.

I hurt their feelings. I hurt their feelings. Oh, I do not want to be evil, I wish I was like them. . .He brought down his pale white face, resting it upon his bony arms. He pushed back a string of black hair away from his eyes. He then surveyed himself. The sharp nose, the large eyes, the full lips, the chubby six year old face. . .He kneeled knelt their, the cold floor bruising his slender knees under the large gray jumpsuit.

I like the description here about the kid and how he looks like but I feel like you could make it flow better. As well, I think that you use the ellipses way to often and in places where it is not necessary. One last thing, I cut out things that repeat because it just clunks up your writing to much and it doesn't really seam to do anything for your writing. As well like I said before, it is repetitive.

History is next, he reminded himself. You can't stand out in that. You have to not hurt feelings, you have to not be better. try wording these sentences like this, 'you cannot stand put, hurt feelings and above all you cannot be better.' this just sounds better as I read it, and I think it would help the story overall flow better. But even his thoughts seemed to have a quiver of uncertainty. He could almost imagine them, hanging in front of him, brittle, like ice in the cool air. I like this description.

He squinted around the large brown metal hallway. After history we'll have space ship practice. He reminded himself. It'll be fun. He stared toward the next mirror, looking at the boy who stood their. The boy looked up, his sandy blond curls brushed back. His blue eyes were guarded, hostile. They shone sharply in the cold air. I don't understand this sentence, are you talking about the boys eyes? Walter faltered. I bet you know by know but this rhymes and yeah it works but it also seems weird He had been about to smile. Why didn't this boy like him? Of course, thought Walter, feeling an ache deeper than any pain, an ache that seemed to come from his soul. try not to use the same word twice in one sentence Of course. For I am evil. He really wanted to sob then. I thought he was already crying. He wanted his entire heart to be sobbed find a different word out, he wanted to curl up on the ground and cry. you are being repetitive here All I want to be, is to at least be good, he thought.

But I can't be that. I can't. For I am too good. He felt something cold in him. I am too good at everything. I am perfect, and I wish to be imperfect. For imperfection is perfection. Ah, good. Thought Walter, his thoughts for a moment diverted. Philosophy. So am I imperfect or perfect? But somehow even his deepest heart couldn't find the answer to that. Fine, thought Walter, biting his lip furiously with a pure white tooth, fine. I will do whatever you say. I will be whatever you say. If you say I am evil, then by dang I will be. I like this paragraph a lot however I think that this kind of thinking is to grown up/ mature for a six year old (don't you think) or is this what you were aiming for.

But somehow Walter wasn't sure how one goes about being evil, how one does evil. Did one simply do everything that he could? Did one simply do his best? Did one. . .Kill? But after all, if he killed he would simply provide supplies for the people. Finger nails, bones. If he killed, he would simply be letting people use those supplies early, instead of when one turned seventy. That would be a good thing for society, wouldn't it? And so as Walter stood there, he was unsure, he was unsure of right, he was unsure of wrong, and in everything he was unsure of himself. . . Again, I like this paragraph I think that it adds a lot to the story.

" Walter!" Walter turned away from his revery (reverie) maybe, I think that is what you are trying to say. Anyways just know it is spelled wrong. at the sink, to stare at the tall instructor in front of him." Yes, ma'am?" He said, with a slight tremble in his young voice. " Come with me dear" said the instructor, in an almost caring fashion. But everyone knew she didn't really care at all. She looked behind her shoulder hastily. " Come on, Walter. Hurry." Her voice was raw and broken. It had traveled to a frantic level. Walter quickly stood up, biting one lip as hard as he could manage. His eyes were red around the corners. I Think it would be nice if you could describe this instructor, you say that her voice is raw and broken but it would add a lot if you could show the reader what she physically looks like. By describing what she looks like as well as her voice it would help your reader better able to imagine the instructor.

He blinked frantically. He quickly ran behind the woman. The corridors flashed by them as they went, going as fast as they could. The children watched them out of the corners of their eyes, but no one said anything. They might hurt that mean little boy's feelings. I get that Walter is following the instructor but I feel like it needs more of a transition.

The instructor opened a pair of huge green double doors with an effort, her muscles straining as they opened. this first sentence reads weird to me. The doors closed behind Walter with a sickening bang. The instructor looked at Walter kindly, but behind her eyes their was an air of alarm. " Walter" she said, her voice fragile, " Go inside that box." Walter slowly turned around. Behind him there stood a large gray box. Walter slowly moved toward the box. Nervously reached one hand up to open the door, and then screamed as the box sucked him in!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

( Excerpt from phone call)

" I'm sorry sir, I couldn't risk it. . .Yes sir. . .I know we were supposed to test him. . .He gave me the heebie jeebies. . .You were right sir. . .Now his organs can be used for society. . .After all, we can't risk a too high intelligence. . .Because in our paradise, it is wrong to be different. . ."

Overall I liked this story and I think that it has great potential to become a novel (if that is what you want). Just a few things that I want to touch up on...

1.) Over extended use of the words 'he' and 'his'; I get it you are talking about a Walter and that he is a boy but you use the word 'he' to much, I would combine sentences that are shorter together to cut out the word in places were it is repetitive. ( you use the word 'he' 43 times and the word 'his' 16 times) yes I counted and if you don't believe me I highlighted them in orange.

2.) Sentence structure; your sentences are ok, but they are to short. Try and combine those shorter sentences to make it better. Such as... "He reminded himself. It'll be fun"
'He reminded himself, it'll be fun." See two small sentences combined to make one.

I believe that is all, good luck and continue writing.
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Old 01-18-2015, 06:40 PM View Post #6 (Link) Interesting!
Walrus776 (Offline)
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This short story was very... different. Very we'll described and the melancholy flow throughout was obviously thought out well. I'm not sure about the ending, though. It seemed like something just added on at the last second to make it more like a fantasy than something from real life. Aside from this, an excellent story, and I applaud you for that.
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